Sunday, April 01, 2007

Bathing Suit Angst

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Why, oh why, is it so freaking hard to find a decent bathing suit?????

I just got back from the mall and I'm feeling very traumatized. I hate shopping. I wish I could just order something online, but swimsuits, like shoes, really need to be tried on. It was a hideous experience.

The mall really creeps me out, and here is why:

1. It's almost always crowded and crowds make me nervous.

2. I'm phobic of bi-level malls that have a second floor, because I can't stand the way you can look over the edge and see the people walking below. They usually just have a flimsy looking "fence" only about waist high to keep the public from falling. I can't walk comfortably around the second floor because I'm terrified that I will fling myself over the ledge. Seriously. I know it's stupid, but I can totally picture myself doing that, and vividly imagine what it would be like. I can absolutely feel myself grabbing at the air in terror as I realize my mistake, and the sickening splat as my skull hits the hard floor and shatters into a million pieces. Can you imagine how traumitizing the sight of my brains and guts splattered all over the first floor of the mall would be to all the little kids who would accidentally witness this? I can't be responsible for that. Plus I don't want to die, so you see why I avoid the second floor.

3. I don't like escalators because I'm scared that my shoelaces or pants will get caught inside them and my leg will be ground up and have to be amputated. This is not an unrealistic fear. It has been known to happen. I also hate elevators if other people are inside them because of, you know, germs. I'd really prefer stairs but they aren't usually an option in malls.

4. Ladies swimwear is usually located on the second floor for some unknown but really annoying reason. Thus I was forced to deal with my phobia and the heart pounding terror that comes with it.

Once I finally made it to the swimwear section I was really bummed to find hundreds of bikinis for sale, but hardly any decent one pieces. Who's buying all these bikinis? I don't want to worry about sucking in my gut while trying to swim and I could care less about tanning my stomach. But the one pieces all looked like something my grandma would wear. I hate those gigantic cups where your bosoms are supposed to go. Ugh.

I picked out a couple that weren't completely horrible and headed to the dressing room. Trying on bathing suits after a winter of sitting on my ass in front of the computer was a completely depressing experience. I am presently suffering from "mush butt" and the swimsuits all seemed to be cut to allow for maximum exposure of my low hanging ass cheeks. Holy crap! I was reminded of those mud flaps that hang over the back wheels of a truck. My butt looks like Paris Hilton's! I've gotta start jogging. My boobs looked pretty good jutting out of the tops, but I'm not real comfortable showing the girls off like that. Honestly, I don't want to worry about one popping out while I splash around oblivious. This happened to me one time when I was a teenager. I had an entire conversation with a snickering, band geek whom I had a crush on before a friend clued me in.

After hitting a couple of stores I finally found one tank style suit that was semi-acceptable but I didn't buy it. It was black and plain and looked just like the one I already have.

I'm now torn between starving myself Nicole Richie style, or eating a carton of Ben and Jerry's Peanut Butter Crunch and going to bed.


D. Prince said...

Boy do I know what you are talking about. It's beyond frustrating and I loathe the Mall as well.

Prunella Jones said...

This is one of the reasons I prefer Viking times. No butt flap revealing bathing suits! Just war, plagues, and dying in childbirth.

honkeie2 said...

After you mentioned it all the womens swim wear is on the top floors.....
But I love the malls so I dont share your fears but I was hoping for a little show from the 'girls' hahaha said...

The bathing suits are on the top floors so women can delude themselves that they look good in the bikini. After all, they just worked out! (a.k.a. "climbing a flight of stairs")

Diane said...

Seriously, try a sports store, like Sports Chalet or Sportmart. They will have a better selection of "sporty" (meaning suits you could actually walk or swim in w/o revealing all) swimsuits.

Diane said...

p.s. and they usually are stand alone, so no mall

T-girl said...

Don't get me started on swimsuits... the fact is should I choose to wear one most would leave the beach for fear of a tidal wave when I hit the water. I am fairly certian PETA would be called to save the beached whale that is for sure! LMAO

Frannie Farmer said...

Urgh. We share similar phobia's .. I hate those bi-level malls and escalators! Serious.
Bathing suits - no way. I would rather order 25 pf them on line and attempt to return them all and maybe - or maybe not - get partial refunds .. than actually trying one on in a store because I am CERTAIN that someone will accidentally walk in a die of a heart attack after seeing my pasty white blubber!
Yep, you hit a nerve Pru!

ffleur said...

#3 is the main reason why my favorite mall is one level. If God had meant us to walk on skinny hallways around a huge deep opening, we'd all live on the edge of the Grand Canyon.

I also don't like driving over bridges (afraid I'll go crazy and drive over the edge)or take glass elevators. I've come to the conclusion its perfectly sane to fear these things. They ARE scary.

GetFlix said...

Pru, you should avoid malls altogether. I hate them and haven't been in one in years.

Shop online. I recommend you visit the suit specialists at

morbid misanthrope said...

Swimming is overrated anyway. Ocean, lake, or pool: chances are, you're swimming in someone or something's waste. As for tanning, I've always believed it's more fun to get cancer from smoking.

Evil Pru said...

Honk- it's not Hot Naked Thursday. It's Keep it Covered Tuesday.

Bren- some nefarious person designed malls. He should be killed!

Di- Pru doesn't want to be Sporty Spice this year, she wants to be Sassy Spice.

T- some nefarious person designed bathing suits. He should be killed!

Fran- phobias are so annoying aren't they?

Evil Pru said...

Ffleur- have you seen that new glass walkway over the Grand Canyon? Can't wait to not visit that ever!

GF- I checked out wickedweasel. You are a cheeky monkey!

Morbid- I really like your way of looking at the world. Can I bum a cig?

M-M-M-Mishy said...

The worst part of bathing suit shopping? The lighting. For the love of god, the shop owners should know better. SOFT LIGHTING, people. Fluorescents flatter no one!

Evil Pru said...

Truely! You'd think if they were serious about trying to sell this crap they'd use those soft, hazy Barbara Walters type glow lights in the dressing room and coat the mirrors with Vaseline so everyone could think they look hot..