It's hard to believe that it's been one whole year since I adopted my sweet little gingerbread man, Jackie Waffles. Look how he's grown.
July 2008 Hiya guys, I'm new!
July2009 Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage. Hoo, hoo.
Jackie has gotten a bit large, hmmm? He now weighs 17 pounds. Of course, it's not fat he's just big-boned.....well, okay he is fat. I don't mind though, there's just more of him to love. That's why his nickname is Big Fun.
Jackie's hobbies include:
Loafing,
Snoozing,
Tolerating Land Gator attacks,
Napping,
Flying through the air,
(BTW, don't those clouds look like asses? How cool is that?)
and chilling with the ladies while working his bling-bling.
Here's a couple of questions for you: Do you talk on your cell phone while going to the bathroom? Have you ever received a call from someone that you could tell was in the middle of taking a dump?
Tell the truth now, have you?
I would bet that at least one of you will say yes, as this is something that seems to be becoming more and more acceptable. Almost every time I pop into a public restroom lately I notice someone jabbering away on a phone while toilets flush noisily around them.
Just yesterday I walked into the bathroom at Target behind a lady who chattering away on her cell about the televised Michael Jackson memorial. I chose the stall next to her so I could continue to eavesdrop on her conversation while I peed. It went something like this:
"Oh, I know. Janet was looking good, wasn't she? My girl was fierce!"
splashy pee sounds that went on for at least a minute
"Mmmmhmmmm mmmmhmmmm. I know that's right."
small fart
"I know! Wasn't that sad? When Paris was crying for her daddy I burst into tears too."
(grunting noises)
"No, really? What did they say?"
This was said a little breathlessly. You could tell she was straining to get a turd out.
"Awww, that is so sweet. Bless her heart, bless her heart."
A big plop as the turd hit the water, followed by a satisfying splash.
At this point I lost it and started laughing. The woman did not miss a beat and kept going with her jabber, apparently dexterous enough to wipe her ass and pull up her pants with one hand while holding the phone with the other. Then she shamelessly flushed and banged out of the stall, while discussing whether or not Brooke Shields had a facelift.
It was really quite impressive.
You know, I don't think anyone has ever called me while taking a crap. Not to my knowledge anyway. If they did, they were pretty quiet about it because if I even suspected they were pooping, I'd say something like, "Hey! Are you pooping? Did you really want to talk to me so bad that you couldn't wait till you were finished grinding one out?"
If you think about it that way, it's strangely flattering. Maybe. Otherwise....eeeeew.
Once I overheard a chick in the bathroom at my gym arguing with someone - probably a guy - on the phone. (Assuming she wasn't talking to the voices in her head.) The place reeked and I certainly didn't add to the freshness as I'd just drunk a large coffee and had a case of the caffeine squirts. I doubt she noticed though, since it sounded like she was in the middle of a teary breakup.
"I know you love me," she hissed from inside her stall. "Yes, you do! Don't say that!"
I wondered what he said? Probably something like, "No, I don't love you, quit calling me", but I'd like to imagine it was,
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a shit!"
Bwahahahahahaha
Oh, how I wish I could release deafening farts at will! I'd have squeezed out a few firecracker-like booms right then for her friend to enjoy. Wouldn't that have really added so much to those poor star-crossed lover's heart to heart? Unfortunately I'm more the silent-but-deadly type. The loudest ones I can muster are barely audible pffts.
It's so disappointing. I just want to add my two cents to the conversation!
And in other news, I've just been handed a bowl of Schadenfreude Stew and doggone if it isn't yummy. Mmmm mmm!
As you probably know, I've never been a fan of the former vice presidential candidate. Sheesh, I wouldn't want her running the local animal shelter, much less the country since she's both completely malicious and an idiot which are the worst possible qualities for any person in a leadership position to have. So whew, good riddance and please stay out of office for good, biatch!
That said, I am a big, big fan of Sarah Palin as a public figure.
Why?
What can I say, I find train wrecks fascinating and hers just goes on and on and on providing laughs every step of the way.
I also love her because she's totally the kind of over-the-top character I'd make up for one of my ridiculous short stories. It's still kinda hard for me to believe that she's an actual real person. I mean, a fundamentalist Christian rube from Alaska who looks like a sexy version of Peggy Hill and happens to be batshit crazy? A Creationist who believes we are living in "end times" and that witchcraft is a very real threat? A working mom of five unwilling to support reproductive rights or equal pay for women? A rugged, conservative, Pull-Yourself-Up-By-the-Bootstraps kind of gal who does nothing but whine and cry about the mean ol' liberul media picking on her? Really? This person was actually elected to a public office?
(BTW, if I were writing her dialogue in the story she'd be saying stuff like, "Damn that pesky free speech! Why does God allow it? Dear Heavenly Father, please kill Katie Couric immediately! Oh and as well also, could ya put an icepick in David Letterman? In the guts, thanks.")
Oh yeah, and let's not forget about her family. I adore them! They are straight out of a white trash soap opera, or maybe a William Faulkner novel. We're talking Southern Gothic on ice, complete with a scheming secessionist husband, a knocked-up underage daughter, and a dim-witted bohunk of a grandbaby daddy whose mother is apparently the meth queen of Wasilla. All that's missing is a drunken albino but I bet you wouldn't have to shake too many branches to find one somewhere in that family tree. The National Enquirer should really look into it.
If this tantalizing cast of characters wasn't enough, you also get to add in the rabid base of churchy mouth-breather's who absolutely worship the ground she walks on and dream excitedly of the day in 2012 when she'll win the presidency and turn America into the United States of Jesusland.
Forget about pit bulls, Sarah Palin is a week's worth of Jerry Springer episodes in lipstick.
Wow, truth really is stranger than fiction, isn't it? She outdoes even my overheated imagination. I am freaking impressed.
So now you've got to wonder - at least I do - why in the world would such a power hungry drama queen willingly resign her post at this point in the saga? Because, sorry but there is no way it's to protect her kids from the mean ol' lie spreadin' bloggers. She loves media attention and thrives on playing the victim.
Ah, the plot thickens...
Is she on meth here or speaking in tongues?
I've watched this a couple of times and I'm still not clear why she resigned, are you? Because the voices told her to would be my logical guess, but again if I were writing this as a potboiler I'd make it into something far, far juicier. It really needs to be, don't you think? After all, Dick Cheney shot someone in the face and never even considered quitting for a moment. So what did Sarah do, hmmmmm?
Possible Theories:
1. Sarah's going to rehab for meth and botox addiction.
2. Preparing for the Rapture.
3. Pregnant with triplets by that hawt stud Governor Mark Sanford.
4. Flying off on a magic broomstick to Oz to gather an army of flying monkeys in order to destroy her enemies.
5. Todd was caught having a gay sex weekend with some hairy leather daddies.
6. A psychic told her she'd be president in 2012 so why bother doin' this boring ol' yucky job till then?
Sometimes it seems like I'm the only person in Nashville who hasn't recorded an album of songs.
Seriously, from bagboys at the Kroger to the guy at H&R Block who did my taxes, everyone around here has their own CD which is destined to hit number one on the music charts just as soon as the right producer hears it.
That's what they tell you anyway when asking if you know anybody in the business. No? Give it a spin anyway. Here take a couple, they make great gifts!
No surprise, since this is Music City USA and all. Still, I'm jealous. I want my own CD to badger friends and acquaintances with too!
Although, to be honest I'm not particularly musical. I can't really play any instruments or write songs and I'm a horrible singer but so what? Did that stop Britney Spears? Madonna? Miley "Gigantic Gums" Cyrus? Hell no! Why should it stop me? I'll just let the audio guys work their studio magic on my voice like they do while I concentrate on looking hawt and designing my album cover. I have loads of ideas.
Like, ever since I spotted this on one of those Top Ten Worst Album Covers lists, I've been slightly obsessed with Joyce.
I mean, are they crazy? Why was this one included in "worst" list? It's fantastic! I only wish I owned it and could listen to it daily. It doesn't say what type of music Joyce is singing but I'd like to think it's a little bit country, a little bit religious, and a whole lotta rock-n-roll. You know its got to rock. Sometimes when bored, I imagine the type of song titles that would be listed on the back cover (which IMO should feature both a rainbow and a unicorn wearing a wig). Can't you picture her singing something along these lines?
Crazy Cat Lady Blues
My Jesus Box Tingles (whenever I think of Him)
Dear God, Please Make the Voices Stop
Sausages!
and of course the dance/rap mix My Name is Joyce, bitches!
Gawd, Joyce is so hawt. I'm totally ripping her off for my own album cover design. Here are a couple with the titles. Tell me what you think.
Would it be Restraining Order Free or Restraining Order-free? I'm so bad at grammar and spelling. Maybe "Grammatically Challenged" would be a better title?
That should read "Accidental Porn Star From Outer Space." Stupid Blingee sign getting in the way!
Don't you love the way the moon really brings out the 50 cent sticker in the corner.
Yarr!
I'll stop at four for now, but lemme tell ya I can (and often do) waste hours and hours every day designing the perfect cover. Writing the actual songs is not quite as much fun but I do have a few so far:
1. Blond in the Brains
2. Escape to Poodle Mountain (this one is a ballad)
3. High on Life and Computer Duster
4. I Have a Knife In My Purse (an electronic dance mix where I just repeat the words "I have a knife in my purse and I'll cut you up!" over and over above the funky beat. Sweet, huh?)
5. My Pee Smells Like Asparagus
6. Shootin' Rats At The Landfill With Pop (a totally syrupy country tearjerker)
7. I Know There's No Such Thing As A Sausage Tree (but oh how I wish there was!)
That last one is pretty self explanatory, I think.
So there you go, as soon as I raise the recording fee and write a few more songs my CD will be as good as done. Look for it at a blog near you. Make sure to get several, it's bound to race up the charts as soon as the right producer gets an earful.
I just read an article all about how yesterday's deaths of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson is some sort of big defining moment for Generation X.
“These people were on our lunchboxes,” said Gary Giovannetti, 38, a manager at HBO who grew up on Long Island awash in Farrah and MJ iconography. “This,” he said, “is the moment when Generation X realizes they’re grown up.”
As a member of that particular generation, all I can say to this is "huh" - in my most cynical voice while rolling my eyes, of course.
Celebrity deaths don't really upset me, I guess. Sure, these people have been famous for as long as I've been alive but so what? I mostly think of Farrah Fawcett as the chick with great hair who starred in Lifetimesque TV movies and went whacko on David Letterman a few years ago. She seemed nice and all, but honestly I'd be more bummed out if Kimmy Gibbler from the show Full House died.
And yeah, I'm old enough to remember when Michael Jackson was black and hung out with Bubbles the Chimp and Thriller was always on MTV - and MTV played actual videos instead of boring reality shows for that matter - I just was never much of a fan, preferring Duran Duran and The Pretenders. To be fair, lots of kid's in my class did love him tho.
This one particular kid, I think his name was Eugene, wore a different sequined glove to school everyday and spent recess practicing his moonwalk. He got really upset when this little ditty started going around the playground.
"I pledge allegiance to the flag Michael Jackson is a fag Pepsi Cola burned him up Now he drinks the 7-up."
The mean bully boys would get right in his face and chant it over and over while the hapless kid cried and tried unsuccessfully to hit them. For some reason I always think of that scene whenever I hear the Pearl Jam song "Jeremy".
Poor old Eugene, I hope he's not having a nervous breakdown today. Those sequined gloves of his could probably fetch some bucks on Ebay.
Speaking of bucks, I once bought a 12 pack of Michael Jackson candy bars at The Dollar Store that I found out later are pretty rare. Does anyone remember these?
Glitter added by me. I like things fancy.
Bet those candy bars would sell well today. Too bad I got hungry and ate them. They were very tasty as I recall.
So to summarize, that article was dumb, Kimmy Gibbler rocks, and I really like chocolate.
1. I wish life were like an episode of that old show Three's Company. That way my only problems would be paying rent and avoiding the homophobic landlord, and jiggling would make pretty much everything better. I'm great at jiggling so this would have worked out nicely for me.
Also - and this is a highly embarrassing confession - I really wouldn't mind it if reality came with a laugh track. Because whenever I make a smartalecky quip or zinger, I do sorta halfway expect to hear the studio audience kick in with high pitched giggles and applause.
2. Does anyone else think that Spencer Pratt from The Hills looks like someone grafted a toddler's head onto an adult's body? Is it just me?
3. To my great shame, I'm starting to find the goofy guy from those annoying Free Credit Report.com commercials sexy. Somebody slap me.
4. Sometimes while trying to will myself out of bed in the morning, I hear Richard Dawson's voice in my head saying something like this:
One hundred people surveyed, top five answers are on the board, here's the question. How will Prunella Jones spend her day?
Buzz Buzz!
Um....checking off everything on her to do list in a timely and productive manner?
Let's see....show me to do list!
BRRRRAAANK, wrong answer.
How about bleaching the three inches of dark roots back to blonde? That's what she needs to do anyway.
BRRRRAAANK. Nope, not on the board.
Oh, I know! Screw around on the internet and waste time like the true slacker she is!
Now that my demonic possession is over (thanx Father Damien), I've been obsessively following the Iranian revolution. I'm really loving watching this large group of people standing up and demanding something of their government....in realtime on the internet! Go protesters! I just can't get enough updates on this situation. It's got me on the edge of my seat. I wish I could fast forward to tomorrow and find out what happens after the call to prayer. It seems like this is going to be the make or break moment.
Here is a good link if your interested in seeing videos and pics of the protests Iran After the Election. Check it out.
I also stumbled across this quiz a minute ago and it seemed timely.
Your result for The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test...
The Expatriate
Achtung! You are 23% brainwashworthy, 14% antitolerant, and 5% blindly patriotic
Congratulations! You are not susceptible to brainwashing, your values and cares extend beyond the borders of your own country, and your Blind Patriotism does not reach unhealthy levels. If you had been German in the 30s, you would've left the country.
One bad scenario -- as I hypothetically project you back in time -- is that you just wouldn't have cared one way or the other about Nazism. Maybe politics don't interest you enough. But the fact that you took this test means they probably do. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt.
Did you know that many of the smartest Germans departed prior to the beginning of World War II, because they knew some evil shit was brewing? Brain Drain. Many of them were scientists. It is very possible you could have been one of them.
Conclusion: born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would not have been a Nazi.
I'd prefer to believe that I would have been a member of the resistance but...yeah, most likely I'd have skeedaddled. Probably to Switzerland cause I like chocolate and yodeling. How about you?
