Monday, January 03, 2011

Things I Learned in 2010

1. If your mom has a vintage manger scene of which she is inordinately fond, sets it up at Xmastime, and proudly crows to anyone who will listen about how collectible the figurines are and how she only paid $10 for it, DO NOT, I repeat, NOT juggle the Baby Jesus with a couple of oranges. Because you will almost certainly fail to catch the Baby Jesus, and his head WILL pop off, and your superglue repair job WILL be spotted eventually by your mom. And she will never let you forget it.

2. If your cat likes to leave gruesome presents on your front stoop of the lil critters he's caught and tortured for hours and hours until they finally died, remember to wait until dark before throwing the corpses on your bitch-faced neighbors lawn.

3. Lemons! If you enjoy guzzling red wine and ingesting large quantities of recreational pharmaceuticals like I do, then remember lemon juice is your friend. Squeezing and drinking a couple every night before you go to bed (I suggest throwing the juice down the hatch like a shot of tequilla) will scrub your liver fresh and clean for the next day's debauchery. But, be sure to brush your teeth afterwords.

4. Oh yeah, that reminds me. If an old filling breaks off of your tooth, DO NOT ignore it for months and months because you WILL end up having to pay over $1200 for a root canal and a tooth cap that will feel like a big ol Chiclet in your mouth for ages till you get used to it.

5. And this one is a biggie. Listen well and heed these words! If your new guy has a bipolar ex with a meth problem, and she sends a manic stream of threatening texts detailing all the reasons you suck and deserve to die, DO NOT laugh it off! And you should especially NOT finally break one day and fire back a snarky text that ends with "take your meds please, you wackjob." Because that will make her really mad and she WILL take out her demented anger on your car, and you WILL have to fill out police reports. And then you WILL get so paranoid looking over your shoulder, expecting a psychopathic bitch wearing adult diapers and carrying duct tape and pepper spray to show up at your door at any moment, that you have to spend a couple of days hiding out at your best friend's house, where her adorable children WILL discover the novelty talking vibrator - that you bought as a joke and then forgot about - in your backpack, and that WILL lead them to ask some very uncomfortable questions that will embarrass you greatly.

There you have it blogger friends, a little bit of the very hard won knowledge that I, Prunella Jones, acquired in 2010. Actually most of it is from the past few months because who can remember all the way back to last January?

My journals aren't much help in that department either. I flipped through them, but apparently I didn't write very much this past year. There's barely anything in them aside from doodles of Coneheads, evil trees, and people with shark teeth, grocery lists, to-do lists (without very many items checked off) occasional scrawls like, "what if we can't find Atlantis because it was actually located on Mars?" and a few measly paragraphs of a story I started writing about hologram twin hotties from the future and their pet severed hand that crawls.

This makes me sad so I'm going to try very hard to post something everyday here so I don't forget stuff, and my mom can't throw it out like she does with my notebooks or "messy looking papers."

That woman is a total clean freak. I just don't get that. To each his own and all that, but dayum, you won't catch me spending my golden years organizing the contents of my pantry in alphabetical order that's for sure. I plan to drink a lot and drive my enormous Cadillac into various mailboxes while on my way to the bingo parlor, like any proud senior should.

So, tell me, what did you learn in 2010?

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Jackie W Is So Over This Christmas Stuff

Jackie is So Over This Xmas Crap

Not me though. Well, not yet anyway. I still have plenty of alcohol and space cakes.

Hope everyone is having a great holiday. Merry Christmas to you all!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Random Lists

5 Billboards I Noticed While Driving Through Kentucky and My Rebuttals To Them

1. Jesus IS Lord


2. Hell IS Real!!!

Yes, it it. Most people know it as Kentucky though.


Make me, fucker.

4. If You Died Today, Where Would You Spend Eternity?

Sailing through various universes and dimensions. Duh.

5. Jesus Died For Our Sins!

So, give him a medal already. Geez!

3 Nicknames I Call My Mother Daily

1. Sassy Boots
2. Lady Nag Nag
3. Madam Mother

5 Nicknames I Call My Cat

1. Lard Lad
2. Big Fun
3. Johnny Fatboy
4. Fat Boy on a Diet, Don't Try It, Attack Yo Ass Like a Looter in a Riot
5. Toilet Paw Jones

The Top 5 Worst States I've Spent Time In, In Order of Shittiness

1. Georgia
2. Georgia
3. Kensucky
4. Florida (except for the beaches)
5. Arizona

12 Things I Enjoy In No Particular Order

1. conspiracy theories
2. UFOs
3. books
4. cashmere sweaters
5. eccentric people
6. trashy gossip
7. monkeys
8. contemplating parallel universes
9. cartoony art
10. ventriloquism
11. lucid dreams
12. thunderstorms

My Top 3 Favorite Legal Drugs

1. caffeine
2. Adderall
3. sugar

3 Books I Am Currently Reading and What I Think of Them So Far

1. Seth Speaks
by Jane Roberts

Trippy channeled information about death, past lives, lost civilizations, etc., written in the early 70's. I love this kind of stuff.

2. Drinking, Smoking, and Screwing: Great Writer's on Good Times
Edited by Sara Nickles

My kind of stories!

3. The Secret Architecture of Our Nation's Capital: The Mason's and the Building of Washington D.C.
by David Ovason

Just started this one, but it's already blowing my mind. Looks like astrology was a pretty big deal to our forefathers. That certainly explains why Nancy Reagan relied on that astrologer so much during the Regan era.

10 Reasons Why I Have a Sneaking Suspicion That We Are Actually Living On a Prison Planet That Is Run By an Evil Overlord Who Gets Off on Torturing Us

1. the stomach flu and every other nasty illnesses (how come there aren't any viruses that make us feel good? Wouldn't it be in their best interests to make the host happy and well? Seems like there should be at least one just according to natural selection?)

2. mosquitoes and other bitey insects
3. constant rules, regulations, and paperwork required for everything
4. cellulite
5. the fact that so many turds (example: Glen Beck) are millionaires
6. pimples
7. allergies
8. war
9. politics
10. the fact that we only live about 80 years and our teeth only last for about half that time without costly attention.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I'm a Mean Woman Sometimes...

Not very often, of course. Most of the time I am a fairly happy and wildly optimistic person. I like to think of myself as a playful little sea otter spirit inhabiting a human body. I smile a lot and am full of jokes and good cheer. In short, I am a constant joy and a wonderful to be around**. One chick I used to dance with even nicknamed me Mary Sunshine.

Although usually she'd say it like, "shut the fuck up, Mary Sunshine. No one gives a rat's ass!"

Yeah, I wasn't too popular at The Boobie Barn. I like to talk a lot, and dancers - at least most of the ones I've met - don't like to discuss the kind of topics that get me all excited and blathering. Like, for instance, the nature of consciousness, conspiracy theories, or how on December 21, 2012, I expect us all to turn into butterfly people. For some reason stuff that fascinates me bores and irritates most of these ladies.

Once, when I tried to share my theory that the TV show "The Facts of Life" was a great allegory for our world with Mrs. Garret representing God and Blair, Jo, Tootie, and Natalie as the four archetypes of humanity, someone squirted FDS spray in my face.


It's so hard being a Tootie in a world full of Jo's.

Anyway, as I was saying, I rarely get really pissed off or even cranky. But some days...well... let's just say they are the reason that I don't own a gun.

It seems like these moods always tend to coincide with getting my period. But that's probably just a coincidence, right?

I had one of those types of days recently and was told that it wasn't pretty. I don't remember what happened exactly because intense rage kinda makes me black out. (The Vicodin I took for the cramps may have - ahem - contributed to that as well). Luckily my best friend Paula Abdul was hanging out with me and she snapped a few pictures with her new camera. She just emailed them to me. Let's check them out together, shall we? Hopefully they aren't too embarrassing.


Oh yeah, I remember this. It was early in the morning and I was leaving Big Earl's after a hard night of ass shakin'. I had to hoof it as I had just smashed the windshields of every car in the parking lot with a baseball bat, including my own. (What can I say, once you get started it's hard to stop.)

That guy in the picture is my weed dealer. He told me he was out of everything except shitty dirt weed and that was still going to cost me $50, so I popped him in the face. Guess I'll have to apologize if I ever want to get the good stuff again.


Hmmm, this is from later in the afternoon when I took my car in to get fixed. I had hoped a nap and some Starbucks would sweeten my mood, but they had little effect. The bill was outrageous! Plus, that damn mechanic had a really smarmy attitude, and was probably trying to gouge me because I'm a girl and know nothing about cars, so I grabbed him by the hair and banged his head against the wall until he agreed to throw in a free oil change and tire rotation.

Meh, I don't feel too guilty about that one.


Ugh, this happened while I was driving my grandma to the laser clinic to have her tattoos removed. I should have known better. She was REALLY getting on my nerves, talking about how wonderful Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are, and how she was going to sell her house to send them the money so they could restore America's honor or some sort of griftery bullshit. She had just gotten to the part about how she planned to move in with my mom and me, when I spotted a bag boy from the Kroger I frequent, loping happily along on his skateboard. Suddenly, I remembered the time he had put a carton of eggs and loaf of bread in the same bag as some canned goods and my rage exploded!

So, I pulled over real quick and kicked him in the face. Grandma was a little confused as to why I was beating up such a nice-looking boy who was probably single, and I wasn't getting any younger and my eggs were going to be dried up soon, etc, blah, blah, blah. In order to shut her up, I hollered out that he was a socialist who supported Obamacare.

Well, that worked really well. Too well, actually. Grandma called him a no-good, red commanist and smacked him in the nuts with her purse. Since her purse is always loaded down with about 20 prescription drug bottles full of pills (no fun ones unfortunately), several books, several more books on tape (Grandma is suspicious of CDs), a few yard sale tchotkes, and at least three shelves worth of Walgreen's pharmacy items - it probably hurt a lot. I remember he made this kind of half groan/half screaming gurgle and dropped to the ground clutching himself.

Dammit, he IS pretty cute. Hopefully he'll forgive me and is still able to have children. Thank goodness Paula was there to stop Grandma from smacking him again.

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What the...?

Oh yeah, Paula must have taken that one while we were at the bar, waiting for Grandma's laser session to be over. It took a while. She has a lot of shitty tattoos.


Wow, I have no memory of this one at all and neither does Paula. Maybe Grandma took it? Where is Grandma anyway? I don't think I've seen her since then.

Oh well, no matter. See how much happier I look? My eyebrow furrows are completely gone. That just goes to show you that a little ass-kicking and a whole lot of alcohol are the very best cure for cramps.

**Exceptions include the times when I'm hungover, suicidal, feeling fat, itchy, bored, am out of drugs, or can't stand one more minute of my mother's nagging.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

An Update on the Blogger Known as Prunella Jones By Her Good Friend Velveeta

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Oh hello there, good people of blogland! My name is Velveeta and I am a vedy good friend of Prunella's. She asked me to let you all know that she ees fine, just vedy busy right now working on her autobiography/cautionary tale "Prunella J: Portrait of An Adderall-Gobbling Jello-Wrestler", and installing new wood floors in her house so that she won't have to die on piss-stained carpeting when the moon crashes into the Earth in 2012.

She also got a iPhone and is now positively obsessed with playing Words With Friends and Angry Birds. In fact, that's all she ever do. Play those games hour after hour, chuckling to herself dementedly and screaming out, "BOOYAH, PEGGY HILL" whenever she score big points.

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Uh oh. Guess I shouldn't have said that last bit. Now Pru is mad at me. I can tell because she just spit out her gum at me and hit me in the eye. OUCH! That was vedy uncalled for!

What do you mean, don't tell them that? Why not? Eet is true!

I am vedy worried about you, Prunella. You know eet is not healthy to never put down the phone ever. Why, eet is practically attached to your body! You are vedy nearly one with eet, like a cyborg or something. Eet is dangerous! Everyone knows the iPhone's are the mark of the beast! You are on the road to Hell, my frieeend.

And, you know you are lying to your blogger frieeends about working on your book. You haven't done anything creative in months! You don't write your poems. You don't draw your pictures. You don't astrally project yourself into other dimensions any more - not that I approved, of course - but at least it was something, s'okay?

No, now you just sit and play those silly games over and over, and make cultural references that no one who has not watched every episode of "King of the Hill" would possibly be able to understand!

Not to mention your new found addiction to Nicotine gum and lozenges, which is preety pathetic considering you have never even smoke cigarettes! Why would you do that? Eet's not normal!

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Nicotine protects your brain from the fluoride that's in the water? I never heard of that. Did you get that from one of those crazy conspiracy websites that you are always reading? You should delete those bookmarks, s'okay, eet's making you vedy strange. What would your frieeends say if I tell them you had made a helmet out of a rubber swim cap, tin foil and Gortex to keep the aliens from listening to your thoughts, eh? They'd think you were nuts! Probably because you are!

No, I will not shut up, s'okay? I have a right to criticize you since I'm the one who got up at 3 A.M. to bail your ass out of jail after you got caught sucking the nitrous out of 24 cans of whipped cream at Kroger and then putting them back on the shelf.

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Don't you dare give me the middle finger, Missy! It's your own fault your life is such a mess! No wonder your man left you for that fat lady with five kids whom he met while playing World of Warcraft. He no doubt got vedy tired of hearing your endless theories about how the Illuminati are secretly manipulating the weather and inserting subliminal messages into movies and pop music. Really Pru, how could you expect the poor guy to stick around after you set his Jay-Z CD's on fire? He loves Jigga!

And, I'm sorry, but saying Walt Disney's frozen head is running the world from a secret vault under Disneyland and he commanded you to do eet is not a vedy good excuse! Eet makes you sound completely insane. I'm serious, I think you need help, s'okay?

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Oh, so you were just kidding about that, were you? Well, your sense of humor is vedy strange. I haven't forgotten about the time the figure of Jesus suddenly appeared in the oil stains under my car, and I prayed to eet for weeks before finding out that you and Paula Abdul made eet as a practical joke!

No, that WAS NOT funny! I vedy nearly donated my house to the church so the driveway could become a holy shrine! Golden still leaves messages on my phone! Stop laughing, you crazy beetch, or I am going to tell your new boss at Big Earl's that you are the one who carved "Phillip likes to sniff his own farts" into the wood of the bar. You'll be fired for sure, even though eet ees true, I've seen him do it too.

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(gasp) How dare you insult my weave! No I did not get it from the Britney Spears collection for WalMart! FYI, it was vedy expensive! You are just jealous because that haircut you got makes you look like a soccer mom!

Oh jes, I went there, s'allright! What are you going to do about eet, huh? Huh, Mees Soccer-Mom-haircut?

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(Sigh) You are soo predictable.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Caught! Exclusive Pictures of Jackie Waffles Gettin' His Freak On

Sometimes in the Spring, a young cat's thoughts turn from snoozing and making sure he gets fed 23 times a day, to other, more primitive desires...


Thus didst this happen to our young Jackie one bright day in April, when he suddenly noticed that the goofy mermaid head he liked to nap on was really quite attractive, with nice, biteable hair.

"Snore, snarfle...huh? Hmmmm."

"Hey baby, how you doin'?"

"Looks like we're all alone here, honey. Just the two of us.

(whisper) Wanna get it on?"


(frenzied flinging)


LICK... "Oh girl"...LICK, LICK..."you so fine!"

"Did you like that, baby? Don't worry, the fun is just beginning."

Cue the porno music...

Bam Chicka wOw

Blam Chicka Meeow

Bam Chicka Woo Woo

Damn Chicka and How!

"YES, YES, YES! Oh Bab-"

"What the hell? Get that camera out of here, Pru!!!