Numbers

Number of things on my to do list for today: 22

Number of those things I'll actually get done today: 3

Number of pimples on my face: 1 really big one

Number of pennies in the bottom of my purse: 8

Approximate number of spelling and grammar mistakes I make in an average post: 5

Number of nail polishes I own: 19

Number of times I've washed my hands in the past hour: 4

Number of peanut M&Ms currently left in the giant bag on my desk: 63

Number of peanut M&Ms that will be left in that bag at the end of the day: 0

Number of times I've deplored my genetic heritige for cursing me with this defective OCDish brain: 7 billion

Number of times I've said the word "fuck" today: 13

Number of times I've said or thought the word "fuck" in my life: infinity

Number of tattoos I have: 1

Number of times I've shaved my head: 0 but it's still early

Randomness

And the award for the best Oscar outfit of the night goes to ....Sally Kellerman. Have you ever heard of Sally? She's an actress whose most famous role was in a movie called "Anna." I hadn't, but now that she has appeared on my rader I'm in love! I bet she'd be fun to have a glass of champagne or ten with. That parachute dress is fantastic. The tennis wristbands on the sleeves are an especially clever touch. I think it will be the perfect outfit to wear to my son Ozzie Danzig's wedding in 2032.




Eva thinks these two would make a great coat.




I like Posh's new hairdo. It's cute and breezy. I think I'll take this picture to my stylist. I'm already blond and skinny and I have some big, fake implants. All I need now is an orange tan and some granny sunglasses and me and Vic could be twins! Maybe I could get a job impersonating her at parties if I work on my pout.

Evil Pru Rates the Oscar Fashions

Evil Pru rarely has anything nice to say about anybody. So to help her review these Oscar gowns, we hired Little Richard and this random Geico loving chick.




Hi y'all! Let's begin.

Gwyneth Paltrow



Evil Pru: Ugh, fug. It looks like she's wearing the living room drapes. The color is unflattering, her hair is boring, and she's wearing her usual insipid smile. The whole effect reminds me of an ear canal.

L. Richard: Help her! Somebody please help her!

Geico Chick: Perhaps if she switched to Geico she'd have more money to spend on her appearance.


Jennifer Hudson



Evil Pru: Did Xenu design this dress? Why am I hearing the theme music to "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" in my head? Pockets in a ball gown? Na-nu, na-no.

L. Richard: Good God, y'all! That dress gives me the Heebie Jeebies!

Geico Chick: At Geico we prefer cavemen to spacemen. Thumbs down.


Nicole Kidman



Evil Pru: Yuck. The dress makes Nicole look like a Christmas candle. Or a nosebleed. Or a bloody ta-- oh nevermind, I'm not going to say that. Prunella will just come back and delete it. She's such a wimp.

L. Richard Tutti frutti. Bama lama bama loo. Is it time for my pills yet?

Geico Chick Oooo I love that gown. The color reminds me of a police car siren. And police car sirens make me think of car wrecks. And car wrecks make me so thankful that Geiko exsists!




Reese Witherspoon



Evil Pru: Actually that's not too bad. I'd shoplift that dress.

L. Richard: Good golly Miss Molly! The girl can't help it, she looks good!

Geico Chick: The only thing better than that dress is saving money on your car insurance.





Evil Pru: Hey Geico bitch, knock, knock.

Geico Chick: Who's there?

Evil Pru: Shut the f#*k up!

Geico Chick: That was rude and abusive.

L. Richard: Tee hee.

Britney Goes Medieval on an SUV

Brit held her umbrella like an ax





and gave the papparazzi 40 whacks!




Too many drugs and no hair make Britney go something, something.

Crazy?

Don't mind if I do!

Party!

Stupid me! So much has been going on lately that I completely forgot to blog about my experience at Paris Hilton's 26th birthday blowout on Saturday. It was really amazing....ly bad. Did you hear about it on the news? Yeah, I guess the press was too busy reporting on psycho, bald Britney.

Let me tell you all about it.




Well it started out with the required drug taking. As usual Paris bogarted all the weed.




Hardly any celebrities showed up. Well unless you want to count Brandon "Oily Dave" Davis a celebrity. I don't.




The entertainment left a lot to be desired.




The hors'devours were even worse!




The best part of the evening was watching Paris blow out her birthday candles with her vagina lips. It's amazing how much air she could force out of that thing! But then my eyes started stinging and I felt like I'd been pepper sprayed. A few people vomited. And then a truely amazing thing happened!




Paris turned around and big hairy chimp with wings flew out of her butt. I'm not joking. At first we all assumed it was Perez Hilton but nope, it was an actual flying monkey. Perez is much more simian looking.

Then there was the following exchange.




Paris: "Where the hell is that lazy ass Mexican with my drink? Oh hi, Prunella. Great outfit. (snicker)"

Nicky: "Tee hee."

Pru: "Great party, Paris. Loved the goats and the midgets. That was a classy touch. Why I haven't had this much fun since my car broke down on the freeway. My Mexican husband el Hombre and I have a present for you but we'll just drop it off at the door for you later. Toodles."




"Okay I got the bag lit, now ring the doorbell and get ready to run!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Wait el Hombre. Is that Britney in the white car? Let's go talk to her."





"Excuse me, y'all, but do you know if there's a beauty parlor nearby? I gots bugs in my hair. Big ones! And they're trying to eat my brain. I needs to shave my hair off. I need a new tattoo. CPS has implanted a device in my teeth that alerts the government to my every thought. Do you have any tinfoil so I can make a hat? Ahhhhhhh!"

Bald Chicks in History

While bald men have always been around, a woman without hair is something of a rarity. If you do a google search for bald women you mostly come up with sites about breast cancer survivors. Shaved women will net you plenty of kinky porno sites. I think the reason people are so shocked by Britney Spears shaving her head is that for girls, hair is such a huge symbol of their feminity. Throughout history not many have been willing to part with their tresses. I could only find a few examples.





It's pretty dang hot in Egypt. It must have really sucked in the days before air conditioning. So one of the things ancient Egyptians did to stay cool was shave their heads. Both men and women did this. The rich made wigs with the shaved hair for those days when they wanted a change of style. The poor made their wigs out of shredded palm leaves, or sheep's wool. That's hawt!





The first Queen Elizabeth was very fond of dying her hair red. Unfortunately hair coloring back then was made out of lead, sulpher, and quicklime. This toxic brew made her hairline creep back farther and farther as her hair fell out. But since she was such a trendsetter that became the craze of the day. Soon women everywhere were hacking the hair off their foreheads and plucking away all their eyebrows. Bald was beautiful, baby! Maybe that's why the Mona Lisa is pictured without eyebrows?




During the holocaust many Jewish women who ended up in the Nazi camps were forced to shave their heads. I took a tour of Dachau when I was in Germany and there were many haunting pictures of bald, traumatized women. That was the first thing I thought of after I saw this photo of Britney. It's very creepy seeing that Star of David along with the tiny tattoo on the back of her neck combined with her hairless head.




The Manson girls shaved their heads after Charlie was found guilty. Mostly because he told them to. Then they sat around waiting for Helter Skelter to begin. When it didn't, they let their hair grow back.




Sinead O'Connor rocked the skinhead look back in the eighies. She might still do so, I haven't seen much of her since she ripped up that picture of the Pope. Sinead is so lovely she actually looks better without hair.




Demi Moore took it all off for her movie GI Jane. Too bad the only thing I remember about that film is that Viggo Mortenson was really hot in it.





"So y'all think my extinsions are ugly? Y'all think I need to wash my greasy hair? I'll show you!"




"Ha ha! Take that y'all!"




"Uh oh. My mama is gonna kill me. I better get me a wig."

Don't worry, Brit. I know someone that will be happy to lend you a wig.





But make sure you vote for Pedro, okay?

No Longer a Girl, Not Yet a Mental Patient

Yikes!




Britney looks like a member of the Manson family. All she needs is an X tattooed on her forehead. Damn girl, lay off the Ecstasy and go to rehab. Your brain chemicals are all out of whack.

I See Scientology People

Whoa...what the heck? My head!!! These last couple of days have been a blur. I know Evil Pru was around because I found the $500 worth of sex toys she shoplifted. God when is she going to quit? How many dildos does one person need anyway?

The last thing I can remember clearly was sitting at my desk and writing an uplifting song about Tom and Katie's love. Oh all right, I was making fun of them. And then Xenu showed up....



He was kinda pissed off.




I recall getting very dizzy. Somebody was asking me something. I sorta remember confessing to swiping Richie Sambora's sunscreen. And then things got really weird.....





"Yes, this one does have nice, wide, childbearing hips. Muyhahahahahah."






"I find her too mouthy, my master, but I suppose she will do. We need a boy this time."






What the hell....what's going on? My ass is cold.






Shhhhhhhhh. Just relax, baby. This can be fun. Katie seemed to enjoy herself an awful lot.

Josh Hartnett? What are you.....mmmmm yeah that feels pretty good. That's right. Oh yes! Yes! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!





And then I woke up this morning covered in scratches. Yikes! That was the weirdest dream I've ever had. That'll teach me not to eat an anchovey and onion pizza with a Butter Brickle milkshake right before bed. Never again! Ugh, I feel queesy. Well at least it was just a dream. Just a really freaky dream. Right?





Heh heh. Exxxxxcellent. Muyhahahahahahhaha.

To be continued???????

All Yur Blogs Are Belong to Us

Attention all bloggers. I am the evil side of Prunella Jones and I am taking over this new blog. You may call me Evil Pru of course, since that is my name.

Those Scientologists really messed up Prunella. She's been sitting in the corner, rocking back and forth and mumbling "Meep meep," ever since they left. I don't care since now I am free to do and say what I want! Those medications she takes to make me go away are such a bummer. I'm tired of being stifled. Here's what I think about what's been going on lately.




Anna Nicole dead Enough! I've had enough of this! This is not some big tragedy. Anna Nicole was just a trailer park whore with big, fake, boobs who got lucky. She was not Princess Diana. She was not Marilyn Monroe. At least Marilyn made a few good movies and bagged a baseball hero, a Pulitzer winner, and a couple of Kennedies. Who did Anna do? A short blonde photographer, a skanky lawyer, an ugly bodyguard, and Zsa Zsa's husband? Ick. Anna was as dumb as a rock and doesn't deserve all this fuss. Prunella's heart bleeds for poor little Dannielynn. She thinks it's sad that the baby will be fought over by people who only want to get their hands on her money. Although I would enjoy seeing a Maury Povitch paternity special with all these losers, I say let Angelina adopt her already and let's move on.




Kim Kardashian's sex tape Oh no, another "celebrity" has had a sex tape stolen and now it's for sale. What a shocker! Why she'll sue she will. What a bunch of crap. I for one am sick of this nonsense. If you want to be a porn star, go ahead and be a porn star. Don't try and pretend to be upset. We all know that you and Ray J did this to further your "careers." (Yes these are Britney style air quotes.) Kim is a dumb skank who's only claim to fame is being Paris's friend of the moment. Ray J is just plain ugly. He looks like Brandy with muscles, and he humps like a retarded dog. Only in America would someone be proud to get famous for being peed on.




The whole skinny model controversy I'm tired of the whole debate about whether the fashion industry is to blame for models dying of anorexia. Of course it's to blame! Designers want models who are built like coat hangers to make their clothes look good. Why? Because they are lazy and untalented. Anybody can make a dress look pretty on a hanger but it takes real flair to make a dress that will make an average body look good. Why anyone want to pay huge bucks for clothes that only flatter an eighty pound skeleton is beyond me. Hey you stupid sheep, quit starving yourselves to fit into that overrated ugly crap. Don't buy it or the fashion magazines that try to cram it down our throats and then maybe things will change. When Anna Wintour dies and goes to hell she will be forced to spend eternity wearing a stained sweatsuit that can barely contain her 2oo pound cellulitic ass.




The love crazed astronaunt story Any chick who would drive 900 miles in a diaper to go beat down a ho is crazy. This bitch's brain chemicals are seriously out of whack. She just needs a little Lithium or something and she'll be fine. However I've got to give her props for her oh so brilliant plan. Bitch is educated! Couldn't she have thought up a better way of getting rid of her competition? Please, anyone who's ever read a true crime book could have told her using pepper spray to kidnap someone is weak. She put more thought into containing her bodily wastes. One of America's best and brightest has now become the poster girl for Pampers.




The Sarah Silverman Program Prunella caught this show the other day before she got hypnotised by Xenu. It is completely disgusting and stupid. In just one episode Sarah managed to make fun of gays, old black women, queefing, karate, ghosts, the homeless, and insanity. I think I'm in love.


Well this was fun but I think it's time to go wake Prunella out of her stupor. Or at least wipe the drool off of her chin. It's Valentine's Day and I really need to go cause some mischief. Hhhhhm let's see, shall I send some flowers to the old fart next door with the jealous cow of a wife, thanking him for a good time? Maybe I should go preform a striptease for the hardworking bag boys at the Kroger? Shoplift some sex toys for el Hombre? Yep, nothing says love like a new cock ring.

Happy Valentine's Day to all you sexy bloggers out there! Don't forget to be wicked!

Cured?

Okay, I've had enough of this blah feeling. I want to get back to normal. It's time to write a song. Who should I pick on? Anna Nicole just died so she's out. All the usual celebrity twits are boring me lately. Well there's always Tom and Katie. Picking on Scientologists never gets old.

Let's see, how about we use the tune "Sk8er Boi"


He was a boy, she was a beard
could I make it anymore obvious?
She likes to shop, he can't accept that he's gay
what more can I say?

He -------




Xenu: Are you there, Prunella Jones? It's me, Xenu!

Pru: Holy crap! What do you want?




Xenu: I'm very annoyed with you. You are constantly disrespecting my chosen one, Lord Cruise and his earth woman. I've had enough of this. You will learn your lesson and learn it well.

Pru: Yeah right, I'm not scared of you. Bring it on.




Xenu: Look into my eyes.....that's it. Keep looking.




Pru: Yes.....master.......

Xenu: Do not mind my assistants. They are merely hooking you up to an e- meter. It won't hurt. Now then, let us get started. Prunella, I command you to tell me all of the bad things you've done in your life. Anything of which you might not want others to know. Once the church knows your secrets we an extort money from you....I mean we can better help you with your problems. Yes, that's it!

Pru: Everything I've ever done? This could take awhile. Well......




Okay, I confess. I'm the one who gave Britney a wedgie the other day....




I swiped Richie Sambora's sunscreen.




I'm the one who barfed peanut butter all over Isaac.




It was me who started the rumor in Hollywood that wearing panties causes sterility.





I convinced Angie that Brad would be the best dad for Maddox, and that Jen was done with him anyway.




Excellent. Keep talking, Prunella. Lord Cruise, are you getting all this on tape?




Yes, my master. I'm making two extra copies. This little troublemaker will not be bothering us again any time soon. Heh heh heh.