tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-386658372024-03-14T01:27:09.507-05:00prunella de villeIf you can't say anything nice come sit here by me.Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.comBlogger314125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-33099511546197201872011-01-03T18:35:00.007-06:002011-01-03T22:36:47.386-06:00Things I Learned in 20101. If your mom has a vintage manger scene of which she is inordinately fond, sets it up at Xmastime, and proudly crows to anyone who will listen about how collectible the figurines are and how she only paid $10 for it, DO NOT, I repeat, NOT juggle the Baby Jesus with a couple of oranges. Because you will almost certainly fail to catch the Baby Jesus, and his head WILL pop off, and your superglue repair job WILL be spotted eventually by your mom. And she will never let you forget it.<br /><br />2. If your cat likes to leave gruesome presents on your front stoop of the lil critters he's caught and tortured for hours and hours until they finally died, remember to wait until dark before throwing the corpses on your bitch-faced neighbors lawn. <br /><br />3. Lemons! If you enjoy guzzling red wine and ingesting large quantities of recreational pharmaceuticals like I do, then remember lemon juice is your friend. Squeezing and drinking a couple every night before you go to bed (I suggest throwing the juice down the hatch like a shot of tequilla) will scrub your liver fresh and clean for the next day's debauchery. But, be sure to brush your teeth afterwords.<br /><br />4. Oh yeah, that reminds me. If an old filling breaks off of your tooth, DO NOT ignore it for months and months because you WILL end up having to pay over $1200 for a root canal and a tooth cap that will feel like a big ol Chiclet in your mouth for ages till you get used to it.<br /><br />5. And this one is a biggie. Listen well and heed these words! If your new guy has a bipolar ex with a meth problem, and she sends a manic stream of threatening texts detailing all the reasons you suck and deserve to die, DO NOT laugh it off! And you should especially NOT finally break one day and fire back a snarky text that ends with "take your meds please, you wackjob." Because that will make her really mad and she WILL take out her demented anger on your car, and you WILL have to fill out police reports. And then you WILL get so paranoid looking over your shoulder, expecting a psychopathic bitch wearing adult diapers and carrying duct tape and pepper spray to show up at your door at any moment, that you have to spend a couple of days hiding out at your best friend's house, where her adorable children WILL discover the novelty talking vibrator - that you bought as a joke and then forgot about - in your backpack, and that WILL lead them to ask some very uncomfortable questions that will embarrass you greatly. <br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br />There you have it blogger friends, a little bit of the very hard won knowledge that I, Prunella Jones, acquired in 2010. Actually most of it is from the past few months because who can remember all the way back to last January? <br /><br />My journals aren't much help in that department either. I flipped through them, but apparently I didn't write very much this past year. There's barely anything in them aside from doodles of Coneheads, evil trees, and people with shark teeth, grocery lists, to-do lists (without very many items checked off) occasional scrawls like, "what if we can't find Atlantis because it was actually located on Mars?" and a few measly paragraphs of a story I started writing about hologram twin hotties from the future and their pet severed hand that crawls. <br /><br />This makes me sad so I'm going to try very hard to post something everyday here so I don't forget stuff, and my mom can't throw it out like she does with my notebooks or "messy looking papers." <br /><br />That woman is a total clean freak. I just don't get that. To each his own and all that, but dayum, you won't catch me spending my golden years organizing the contents of my pantry in alphabetical order that's for sure. I plan to drink a lot and drive my enormous Cadillac into various mailboxes while on my way to the bingo parlor, like any proud senior should.<br /><br />So, tell me, what did you learn in 2010?Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-32325582123790900762010-12-25T20:41:00.005-06:002010-12-25T21:01:28.172-06:00Jackie W Is So Over This Christmas Stuff<img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://c.gigcount.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyOTI4MDk3MDQzNzEmcHQ9MTI5MjgwOTcxOTcyMiZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWU5YjQyOTk5OTEwMDQ2/MTZhZWE3MWUxMTNmNzJjMjg4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/119656864-Jackie-is-So-Over-This-Xmas-Crap" target="_blank" title="Jackie is So Over This Xmas Crap"><img alt="Jackie is So Over This Xmas Crap" border="0" height="308" src="http://image.blingee.com/images18/content/output/000/000/000/721/681741941_869042.gif" title="Jackie is So Over This Xmas Crap" width="400" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Personalized Glitter Graphics"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /><br /><br />Not me though. Well, not yet anyway. I still have plenty of alcohol and space cakes.<br /><br />Hope everyone is having a great holiday. Merry Christmas to you all!Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-80710481091160614652010-10-12T12:58:00.004-05:002010-10-12T15:27:31.917-05:00Random Lists<b>5 Billboards I Noticed While Driving Through Kentucky and My Rebuttals To Them</b><br /><br />1. Jesus IS Lord<br /><br /><i>....and???</i><br /><br />2. Hell IS Real!!!<br /><br /><i>Yes, it it. Most people know it as Kentucky though.</i><br /><br /><br />3. REPENT!<br /><br /><i>Make me, fucker.</i><br /><br /><br />4. If You Died Today, Where Would You Spend Eternity?<br /><br /><i>Sailing through various universes and dimensions. Duh.</i><br /><br /><br />5. Jesus Died For Our Sins!<br /><br /><i>So, give him a medal already. Geez!</i><br /><br /><br /><b> 3 Nicknames I Call My Mother Daily</b><br /><br />1. Sassy Boots<br />2. Lady Nag Nag<br />3. Madam Mother<br /><br /><br /><br /><b>5 Nicknames I Call My Cat</b><br /><br />1. Lard Lad<br />2. Big Fun<br />3. Johnny Fatboy<br />4. Fat Boy on a Diet, Don't Try It, Attack Yo Ass Like a Looter in a Riot<br />5. Toilet Paw Jones<br /><br /><br /><br /><b>The Top 5 Worst States I've Spent Time In, In Order of Shittiness</b><br /><br />1. Georgia<br />2. Georgia<br />3. Kensucky<br />4. Florida (except for the beaches)<br />5. Arizona<br /><br /><br /><b>12 Things I Enjoy In No Particular Order</b><br /><br />1. conspiracy theories<br />2. UFOs<br />3. books<br />4. cashmere sweaters<br />5. eccentric people<br />6. trashy gossip<br />7. monkeys<br />8. contemplating parallel universes<br />9. cartoony art<br />10. ventriloquism<br />11. lucid dreams<br />12. thunderstorms<br /><br /><br /><br /><b>My Top 3 Favorite Legal Drugs</b><br /><br />1. caffeine<br />2. Adderall<br />3. sugar<br /><br /><br /><b>3 Books I Am Currently Reading and What I Think of Them So Far</b><br /><br />1. Seth Speaks<br /> by Jane Roberts<br /><br />Trippy channeled information about death, past lives, lost civilizations, etc., written in the early 70's. I love this kind of stuff.<br /><br />2. Drinking, Smoking, and Screwing: Great Writer's on Good Times<br /> Edited by Sara Nickles<br /><br />My kind of stories!<br /><br /><br />3. The Secret Architecture of Our Nation's Capital: The Mason's and the Building of Washington D.C.<br /> by David Ovason<br /><br />Just started this one, but it's already blowing my mind. Looks like astrology was a pretty big deal to our forefathers. That certainly explains why Nancy Reagan relied on that astrologer so much during the Regan era.<br /><br /><br /><b>10 Reasons Why I Have a Sneaking Suspicion That We Are Actually Living On a Prison Planet That Is Run By an Evil Overlord Who Gets Off on Torturing Us</b><br /><br />1. the stomach flu and every other nasty illnesses (how come there aren't any viruses that make us feel good? Wouldn't it be in their best interests to make the host happy and well? Seems like there should be at least one just according to natural selection?)<br /> <br />2. mosquitoes and other bitey insects<br />3. constant rules, regulations, and paperwork required for everything<br />4. cellulite<br />5. the fact that so many turds (example: Glen Beck) are millionaires<br />6. pimples<br />7. allergies<br />8. war<br />9. politics<br />10. the fact that we only live about 80 years and our teeth only last for about half that time without costly attention.Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-3858088926128248582010-09-14T14:22:00.009-05:002010-09-14T23:48:27.014-05:00I'm a Mean Woman Sometimes...Not very often, of course. Most of the time I am a fairly happy and wildly optimistic person. I like to think of myself as a playful little sea otter spirit inhabiting a human body. I smile a lot and am full of jokes and good cheer. In short, I am a constant joy and a wonderful to be around**. One chick I used to dance with even nicknamed me Mary Sunshine. <br /><br />Although usually she'd say it like, "shut the fuck up, Mary Sunshine. No one gives a rat's ass!" <br /><br />Yeah, I wasn't too popular at The Boobie Barn. I like to talk a lot, and dancers - at least most of the ones I've met - don't like to discuss the kind of topics that get me all excited and blathering. Like, for instance, the nature of consciousness, conspiracy theories, or how on December 21, 2012, I expect us all to turn into butterfly people. For some reason stuff that fascinates me bores and irritates most of these ladies. <br /><br />Once, when I tried to share my theory that the TV show "The Facts of Life" was a great allegory for our world with Mrs. Garret representing God and Blair, Jo, Tootie, and Natalie as the four archetypes of humanity, someone squirted FDS spray in my face. <br /><br />(Sigh) <br /><br />It's so hard being a Tootie in a world full of Jo's.<br /><br />Anyway, as I was saying, I rarely get really pissed off or even cranky. But some days...well... let's just say they are the reason that I don't own a gun. <br /><br />It seems like these moods always tend to coincide with getting my period. But that's probably just a coincidence, right?<br /><br />I had one of those types of days recently and was told that it wasn't pretty. I don't remember what happened exactly because intense rage kinda makes me black out. (The Vicodin I took for the cramps may have - ahem - contributed to that as well). Luckily my best friend Paula Abdul was hanging out with me and she snapped a few pictures with her new camera. She just emailed them to me. Let's check them out together, shall we? Hopefully they aren't too embarrassing.<br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyODQzNzYxMDM4MTEmcHQ9MTI4NDM3NjEwOTk3NiZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWU5YjQyOTk5OTEwMDQ2/MTZhZWE3MWUxMTNmNzJjMjg4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/116580982-smack" target="_blank" title="smack"><img alt="smack" border="0" height="365" src="http://image.blingee.com/images18/content/output/000/000/000/6f2/653448590_157720.gif" title="smack" width="400" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Add Glitter to Pictures"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /><br /><br />Oh yeah, I remember this. It was early in the morning and I was leaving Big Earl's after a hard night of ass shakin'. I had to hoof it as I had just smashed the windshields of every car in the parking lot with a baseball bat, including my own. (What can I say, once you get started it's hard to stop.)<br /><br />That guy in the picture is my weed dealer. He told me he was out of everything except shitty dirt weed and that was still going to cost me $50, so I popped him in the face. Guess I'll have to apologize if I ever want to get the good stuff again.<br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyODQ*ODIyMDg2NTgmcHQ9MTI4NDQ4MjIxMzU2OCZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWU5YjQyOTk5OTEwMDQ2/MTZhZWE3MWUxMTNmNzJjMjg4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/116618578-jerk" target="_blank" title="jerk"><img alt="jerk" border="0" height="335" src="http://image.blingee.com/images18/content/output/000/000/000/6f3/653792451_215290.gif" title="jerk" width="400" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Add Glitter to Pictures"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br />Hmmm, this is from later in the afternoon when I took my car in to get fixed. I had hoped a nap and some Starbucks would sweeten my mood, but they had little effect. The bill was outrageous! Plus, that damn mechanic had a really smarmy attitude, and was probably trying to gouge me because I'm a girl and know nothing about cars, so I grabbed him by the hair and banged his head against the wall until he agreed to throw in a free oil change and tire rotation. <br /><br />Meh, I don't feel too guilty about that one. <br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyODQzODI5NTgwODUmcHQ9MTI4NDM4Mjk2ODU2MSZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWU5YjQyOTk5OTEwMDQ2/MTZhZWE3MWUxMTNmNzJjMjg4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/116583312-kick" target="_blank" title="kick"><img alt="kick" border="0" height="320" src="http://image.blingee.com/images18/content/output/000/000/000/6f2/653471604_739075.gif" title="kick" width="400" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Myspace Glitter Graphics"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /> <br /><br />Ugh, this happened while I was driving my grandma to the laser clinic to have her tattoos removed. I should have known better. She was REALLY getting on my nerves, talking about how wonderful Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are, and how she was going to sell her house to send them the money so they could restore America's honor or some sort of griftery bullshit. She had just gotten to the part about how she planned to move in with my mom and me, when I spotted a bag boy from the Kroger I frequent, loping happily along on his skateboard. Suddenly, I remembered the time he had put a carton of eggs and loaf of bread in the same bag as some canned goods and my rage exploded! <br /><br />So, I pulled over real quick and kicked him in the face. Grandma was a little confused as to why I was beating up such a nice-looking boy who was probably single, and I wasn't getting any younger and my eggs were going to be dried up soon, etc, blah, blah, blah. In order to shut her up, I hollered out that he was a socialist who supported Obamacare. <br /><br />Well, that worked really well. Too well, actually. Grandma called him a no-good, red commanist and smacked him in the nuts with her purse. Since her purse is always loaded down with about 20 prescription drug bottles full of pills (no fun ones unfortunately), several books, several more books on tape (Grandma is suspicious of CDs), a few yard sale tchotkes, and at least three shelves worth of Walgreen's pharmacy items - it probably hurt a lot. I remember he made this kind of half groan/half screaming gurgle and dropped to the ground clutching himself.<br /><br />Dammit, he IS pretty cute. Hopefully he'll forgive me and is still able to have children. Thank goodness Paula was there to stop Grandma from smacking him again. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://es.tinypic.com?ref=sxeveh" target="_blank"><img src="http://i56.tinypic.com/sxeveh.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a> <br /><br />What the...? <br /><br />Oh yeah, Paula must have taken that one while we were at the bar, waiting for Grandma's laser session to be over. It took a while. She has a lot of shitty tattoos.<br /><br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyODQ*NzkzNTU4MTQmcHQ9MTI4NDQ3OTM2MTg3NyZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWU5YjQyOTk5OTEwMDQ2/MTZhZWE3MWUxMTNmNzJjMjg4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/116617116-kicky" target="_blank" title="kicky"><img alt="kicky" border="0" height="330" src="http://image.blingee.com/images18/content/output/000/000/000/6f3/653778972_157679.gif" title="kicky" width="400" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Glitter Graphics"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /> <br /><br />Wow, I have no memory of this one at all and neither does Paula. Maybe Grandma took it? Where is Grandma anyway? I don't think I've seen her since then. <br /><br />Oh well, no matter. See how much happier I look? My eyebrow furrows are completely gone. That just goes to show you that a little ass-kicking and a whole lot of alcohol are the very best cure for cramps.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />**Exceptions include the times when I'm hungover, suicidal, feeling fat, itchy, bored, am out of drugs, or can't stand one more minute of my mother's nagging.Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-42080745290014992382010-08-15T13:56:00.011-05:002010-08-15T19:54:13.680-05:00An Update on the Blogger Known as Prunella Jones By Her Good Friend Velveeta<a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.tinypic.com/qno6xl.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br /><i>Oh hello there, good people of blogland! My name is Velveeta and I am a vedy good friend of Prunella's. She asked me to let you all know that she ees fine, just vedy busy right now working on her autobiography/cautionary tale "Prunella J: Portrait of An Adderall-Gobbling Jello-Wrestler", and installing new wood floors in her house so that she won't have to die on piss-stained carpeting when the moon crashes into the Earth in 2012. <br /><br />She also got a iPhone and is now positively obsessed with playing Words With Friends and Angry Birds. In fact, that's all she ever do. Play those games hour after hour, chuckling to herself dementedly and screaming out, "BOOYAH, PEGGY HILL" whenever she score big points.</i><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i30.tinypic.com/25fhzky.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br /><i>Uh oh. Guess I shouldn't have said that last bit. Now Pru is mad at me. I can tell because she just spit out her gum at me and hit me in the eye. OUCH! That was vedy uncalled for!</i> <br /><br /><br /><i>What do you mean, don't tell them that? Why not? Eet is true! <br /><br />I am vedy worried about you, Prunella. You know eet is not healthy to never put down the phone ever. Why, eet is practically attached to your body! You are vedy nearly one with eet, like a cyborg or something. Eet is dangerous! Everyone knows the iPhone's are the mark of the beast! You are on the road to Hell, my frieeend.<br /><br />And, you know you are lying to your blogger frieeends about working on your book. You haven't done anything creative in months! You don't write your poems. You don't draw your pictures. You don't astrally project yourself into other dimensions any more - not that I approved, of course - but at least it was something, s'okay? <br /><br />No, now you just sit and play those silly games over and over, and make cultural references that no one who has not watched every episode of "King of the Hill" would possibly be able to understand!<br /><br />Not to mention your new found addiction to Nicotine gum and lozenges, which is preety pathetic considering you have never even smoke cigarettes! Why would you do that? Eet's not normal!</i><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.tinypic.com/qno6xl.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><i>What? <br /><br />Nicotine protects your brain from the fluoride that's in the water? I never heard of that. Did you get that from one of those crazy conspiracy websites that you are always reading? You should delete those bookmarks, s'okay, eet's making you vedy strange. What would your frieeends say if I tell them you had made a helmet out of a rubber swim cap, tin foil and Gortex to keep the aliens from listening to your thoughts, eh? They'd think you were nuts! Probably because you are!<br /><br />No, I will not shut up, s'okay? I have a right to criticize you since I'm the one who got up at 3 A.M. to bail your ass out of jail after you got caught sucking the nitrous out of 24 cans of whipped cream at Kroger and then putting them back on the shelf.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.tinypic.com/qno6xl.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br /><br />Don't you dare give me the middle finger, Missy! It's your own fault your life is such a mess! No wonder your man left you for that fat lady with five kids whom he met while playing World of Warcraft. He no doubt got vedy tired of hearing your endless theories about how the Illuminati are secretly manipulating the weather and inserting subliminal messages into movies and pop music. Really Pru, how could you expect the poor guy to stick around after you set his Jay-Z CD's on fire? He loves Jigga!<br /><br />And, I'm sorry, but saying Walt Disney's frozen head is running the world from a secret vault under Disneyland and he commanded you to do eet is not a vedy good excuse! Eet makes you sound completely insane. I'm serious, I think you need help, s'okay?</i><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.tinypic.com/qno6xl.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br /><br /><i>Oh, so you were just kidding about that, were you? Well, your sense of humor is vedy strange. I haven't forgotten about the time the figure of Jesus suddenly appeared in the oil stains under my car, and I prayed to eet for weeks before finding out that you and Paula Abdul made eet as a practical joke! <br /><br />No, that WAS NOT funny! I vedy nearly donated my house to the church so the driveway could become a holy shrine! Golden Palace.com still leaves messages on my phone! Stop laughing, you crazy beetch, or I am going to tell your new boss at Big Earl's that you are the one who carved "Phillip likes to sniff his own farts" into the wood of the bar. You'll be fired for sure, even though eet ees true, I've seen him do it too.</i> <br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i30.tinypic.com/25fhzky.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br /><br /><i> (gasp) How dare you insult my weave! No I did not get it from the Britney Spears collection for WalMart! FYI, it was vedy expensive! You are just jealous because that haircut you got makes you look like a soccer mom! <br /><br />Oh jes, I went there, s'allright! What are you going to do about eet, huh? Huh, Mees Soccer-Mom-haircut?</i><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i32.tinypic.com/zloi9u.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br /><br /><i>(Sigh) You are soo predictable.</i>Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-13770154282410211832010-04-08T08:57:00.011-05:002010-04-08T11:05:10.081-05:00Caught! Exclusive Pictures of Jackie Waffles Gettin' His Freak OnSometimes in the Spring, a young cat's thoughts turn from snoozing and making sure he gets fed 23 times a day, to other, more primitive desires...<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNzA3MzgzMDUzNjEmcHQ9MTI3MDczODMwNzg1MCZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWQ*NzllNDgyZDQ5ZDQz/MGNiMTVmYzIxMjU*ZTY*YTk4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/110030308-mmmm" target="_blank" title="Make custom Glitter Graphics"><img alt="mmmm" border="0" height="240" src="http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/68e/594255810_725717.gif" title="mmmm" width="320" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Make custom Glitter Graphics"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /> <br />Thus didst this happen to our young Jackie one bright day in April, when he suddenly noticed that the goofy mermaid head he liked to nap on was really quite attractive, with nice, biteable hair.<br /><br />"Snore, snarfle...huh? Hmmmm."<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uaKV_GCzI/AAAAAAAAATg/JJAwTvqdcl0/s1600/IMG_0129.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uaKV_GCzI/AAAAAAAAATg/JJAwTvqdcl0/s320/IMG_0129.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457124875980639026" /></a><br />"Hey baby, how you doin'?"<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uZBrQa7KI/AAAAAAAAATQ/CCb6yhK0MlE/s1600/IMG_0165.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uZBrQa7KI/AAAAAAAAATQ/CCb6yhK0MlE/s320/IMG_0165.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457123627560004770" /></a><br />"Looks like we're all alone here, honey. Just the two of us.<br /><br />(whisper) Wanna get it on?"<br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uYyTbqL0I/AAAAAAAAATI/smv22RlGtnA/s1600/IMG_0166.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uYyTbqL0I/AAAAAAAAATI/smv22RlGtnA/s320/IMG_0166.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457123363466653506" /></a><br />"NOM NOM NOM"<br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uYlEjW-4I/AAAAAAAAATA/q9-oUN3qO2I/s1600/IMG_0167.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uYlEjW-4I/AAAAAAAAATA/q9-oUN3qO2I/s320/IMG_0167.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457123136134118274" /></a><br />(frenzied flinging)<br /><br />"MMM HMMMM!"<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uYQINquEI/AAAAAAAAAS4/KcTh0TK6KAA/s1600/IMG_0170.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uYQINquEI/AAAAAAAAAS4/KcTh0TK6KAA/s320/IMG_0170.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457122776339626050" /></a><br />LICK... "Oh girl"...LICK, LICK..."you so fine!"<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uXpijUMSI/AAAAAAAAASw/cgUicg13aLU/s1600/IMG_0172.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uXpijUMSI/AAAAAAAAASw/cgUicg13aLU/s400/IMG_0172.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457122113394848034" /></a><br />"Did you like that, baby? Don't worry, the fun is just beginning."<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Cue the porno music...<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S730SZmM_dI/AAAAAAAAAUQ/2zY8ywreB1A/s1600/IMG_0143.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S730SZmM_dI/AAAAAAAAAUQ/2zY8ywreB1A/s320/IMG_0143.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457786920388853202" /></a><br /><br /><marquee>Bam Chicka wOw</marquee><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S73z6cvPLBI/AAAAAAAAAUA/YXbcb7v9j1I/s1600/IMG_0139.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S73z6cvPLBI/AAAAAAAAAUA/YXbcb7v9j1I/s320/IMG_0139.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457786508915190802" /></a><br /><br /><marquee>Blam Chicka Meeow</marquee><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S73z5uiu7FI/AAAAAAAAAT4/JCbtl5zYfRU/s1600/IMG_0133.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S73z5uiu7FI/AAAAAAAAAT4/JCbtl5zYfRU/s320/IMG_0133.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457786496514714706" /></a><br /><br /><marquee>Bam Chicka Woo Woo</marquee><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S73zP9KXPVI/AAAAAAAAATw/PnQGapWXHE8/s1600/IMG_0140.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S73zP9KXPVI/AAAAAAAAATw/PnQGapWXHE8/s320/IMG_0140.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457785778884525394" /></a><br /><br /><marquee>Damn Chicka and How!</marquee><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uXPYoR6BI/AAAAAAAAASo/5Kfv0KK8XR0/s1600/IMG_0175.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uXPYoR6BI/AAAAAAAAASo/5Kfv0KK8XR0/s400/IMG_0175.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457121664054716434" /></a><br /><br />"YES, YES, YES! Oh Bab-"<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uVoRnZzmI/AAAAAAAAASg/18riMaY-u4E/s1600/IMG_0135.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/S7uVoRnZzmI/AAAAAAAAASg/18riMaY-u4E/s320/IMG_0135.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457119892645465698" /></a><br />"What the hell? Get that camera out of here, Pru!!!Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-26445196630301363282010-04-04T11:49:00.000-05:002010-04-04T11:50:57.823-05:00And Now A Word From The Beaster Beagle...<img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNzAzOTk3NDA5NDMmcHQ9MTI3MDM5OTc*NzgyNSZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWQ*NzllNDgyZDQ5ZDQz/MGNiMTVmYzIxMjU*ZTY*YTk4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/109842068-beaster-bunny" target="_blank" title="Add Glitter to your Photos"><img alt="beaster bunny" border="0" height="300" src="http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/68c/592545934_928120.gif" title="beaster bunny" width="400" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Add Glitter to your Photos"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br />Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-45347448094085550342010-03-10T14:18:00.008-06:002010-03-10T14:43:27.349-06:00Time sure does fly......especially when you hang out in La La Land with this guy. He's hypnotic!<br /><br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/E6tBdovAgO0&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x402061&color2=0x9461ca"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/E6tBdovAgO0&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x402061&color2=0x9461ca" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />Is it really March already? And 2010 too?! Sheesh, that's the LAST time I will trip on Nutmeg-laced space cakes, I swear!Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-47033986535568439612009-09-23T13:42:00.003-05:002009-09-23T14:20:54.421-05:00Blast From The Past #3<i>Okay, looks like I should have just named this look back at old posts "Britney and Tucksworth Appreciation Week" since pretty much all my old favs star Britney Spears as my trashy rival and Tucksworth, my helper monkey with a substance abuse problem. In this post, you learn the real reason Britney went bald...</i><br /><br /><br /><b>Karma</b><br /><br />Why is it that whenever I try to have the least little bit of fun, karma has a way of making me pay for it immediately? All of you guys who warned me that there would be repercussions for teasing my mom were so right. I just wasn't expecting it to happen so soon. Why can't karma leave me alone for five minutes and go find OJ Simpson?<br /><br />This weekend started off pretty good. I was in a great mood because I had finally found someone to take Tucksworth off of my hands. You remember my alcoholic, ex-helper monkey, Tucksworth? Well anyway, my cousin Delmont thought Tucks would make a great mascot for his fraternity house, so he drove down to pick him up this weekend. Delmont had never visited Nashville before so I showed him a few of the sights, but then I had to trudge off to my horrible new job at <b><i>The Boobie Barn</i></b>. I gave Delmont a key to the house and told him to go out and have fun. Tucksworth was sitting on the sofa, sullenly watching Animal Planet and gave me the finger as I left. He's been in a foul mood ever since the vet put him on Antabuse.<br /><br />So anyway, I went to work and it was a nightmare. This new club sucks! The customers are allowed to purchase spray guns and shoot water at the girls as we dance. One sadistic little fucker kept aiming the stream at my face which caused my false eyelashes wash off. I badly wanted to kick him in the face but had to settle for spitting out my gum in his hair. Ugh, it was almost enough to make me reconsider quitting <i>Earl's</i>. <br /><br />I crawled home at 2 A.M. wanting nothing more than to take a quick swim in my pool and relax with a glass of wine. <br /><br />But there would be no relaxation that night. I could hear crappy pop music blasting from the patio as soon as I drove up. My beagle, Shirley, was baying loudly, like she always does when she's distressed. I figured Delmont was doing a little entertaining in my pool, so I marched back there to let him know the party was over. I wasn't angry or anything, since I used to be a college kid myself, but I didn't want my snooty neighbors calling the cops on me again. <br /><br />I went out to the pool and snapped off the music. "Hey guys, it's time to...." I began, but stopped mid-sentence because I couldn't believe what I was seeing.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/britpool2.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><i>Delmont and Britney Jean, skanking up my pool.</i><br /><br /><br />Do you remember Britney Jean, the brilliant "dancer" who made me lose my place as the star of <i>Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits</i>? There she was in MY pool, humping MY cousin, and wearing MY new Prada sunglasses!<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/britpool-1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><i>Yes, Delmont is good looking. The Jones side of the family are all smokin' hawt. Unfortunately most of them are dumb as cement.</i><br /><br /><br /><br />"Hey, cuz," Delmont greeted me with his usual cluelessness. "Come on, join the party!"<br /><br />Britney Jean glared at me. She was no happier to see me than I was to see her. From all the bubbles in the water that surrounded her, I could tell she was farting in my pool. I was furious! <br /><br />"Bitch," I hissed. "You get your country ass out of that pool and give me back those sunglasses!"<br /><br />"Excuse me," she said coolly, "But my name ain't bitch, it's Britinia. I jes' changed it since I'm a star and all now. And I ain't going nowheres. Delmont done tol me this is his house!"<br /><br />I scowled at Delmont, who gave me a sheepish smile. "Sorry about that, Pru," he said, while climbing out of the pool. "Come on, Britinia, we've got to go."<br /><br />"Where the hell is Tucksworth?" I asked. I couldn't believe he wasn't out there flinging poo at Britinia, as I had trained him specifically to do that. Then the unmistakable smell of pot smoke hit my nostrils. <br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/monkey_smoking.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><i>They let Tucksworth smoke up my entire bag of weed!</i><br /><br /><br /><br />"Delmont, how could you?" I shrieked. "You know, he has substance issues!"<br /><br />"Well we had to give him somethin," Britinia smirked. "The vodka was makin' him puke. You don't know much about takin' care of animals, do you?"<br /><br />Just then my grouchy neighbor poked his head of his bedroom window. "All of you shut the hell up or I'm calling the cops! And I'm reporting this to the neighborhood association, Jones. We want you out!"<br /><br />Goddamn, I hate that neighborhood association! I'd had enough. "Get the hell out of my pool, Britinia! Right now!"<br /><br />"Make me," she taunted.<br /><br />You know how in stories people will say they "saw red" to describe getting angry? Well, that actually happened to me. At that moment I was so mad I literally saw everything washed in a red haze. I think a blood vessel might have popped in my eye.<br /><br />I grabbed Britinia by the hair to haul her out of the pool. She didn't budge so I pulled with all my might. Then she shrieked and I heard a loud ripping sound, and the next thing I knew I was on my ass, holding her weave in my hands. She was totally bald! Holy shit!<br /><br />"Bitch, I'ma kill you," she screamed. "I jes paid $30 dollars for that weave!" <br /><br />She jumped out of the pool and was on top of me in a flash. Now I have strong legs and know a little ju-jitsu, but Britinia outweighs me by a good twenty pounds. She quickly knocked me to the ground and started banging my head on the patio tile. Delmont took his sweet time rescuing me. He told me later it was because he was hoping we'd start ripping each others clothes off and kissing. Once he finally figured out that wasn't going to happen, he grabbed Britinia and hustled her out of there. As she was leaving she swore she'd make me pay for ruining her hair. <br /><br />Her exact words were, "I'ma get you good!"<br /><br />Now here I sit on Sunday morning. My monkey is stoned and I'm out of weed (and Cheetos), my pool needs to be drained and fumigated, my neighbors are out to get me, and I think I might possibly have whiplash. My mom, who was out on a date with a nice man she met at church, missed the whole thing. From the smile on her face, it looked like she had a pretty good time. That's why I don't understand why I am being punished so terribly for the little bit of teasing I gave her. Karma sure is a bitch!Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-46761392606048422352009-09-22T23:14:00.002-05:002009-09-22T23:38:56.553-05:00Blast From The Past #2This was another post from 2007 starring Britney Spears. I was kind of obsessed with her during her trashy, rebellious period. I love the bad girls. The gossip blogs have gotten so boring now that she's been behaving herself for the past year. I live in hope for the day that she will break free from her handlers once more, shave her head again, maybe rob a bank and then shoot Kevin Federline in one of his fat sausage legs. You know she wants to.<br /><br /><br /><b>My Crappy Weekend</b><br /><br /><br />Oh my God, I am so hungover today. I drank way too much red wine last night and my head is throbbing. It feels like my brain is throwing itself around my skull, trying to escape. Ugh, this is all Big Earl's fault! The only reason I got drunk was to try and blot out the events of this weekend. And to get rid of the urge to kill Earl. It didn't work in either case.<br /><br />You see, ever since my helper monkey Tucksworth bit Earl's fingertip off, I have been his whipping girl. He's been punishing me by making Deelishus Diamond the Friday night headliner, while I have to work the unpopular Thursday afternoon shift. We all dread Thursdays because that's when the bus from the retirement home comes by. Those grouchy old men always complain about everything. You know, the food is bad, the drinks are too expensive, the girls were much sexier back in their day, blah, blah, blah. Plus it's not exactly lucrative. After three hours of dancing, all I had to show for it was ten dollars in quarters and nickles, which stretched my thong to my knees.<br /><br />Then Earl told me he'd found a replacement for Tucksworth. I wasn't real enthused since I don't want just anyone throwing knives at me. "Is she a professional?" I asked.<br /><br />"She's a great talent," he growled. "She's been dancing for years, but she's never worked the pole before. Get your ass in here early tomorrow and show her the ropes."<br /><br />Well, that wasn't very inspiring news. Pole dancing is an art, you can't learn it just one afternoon, but I figured it couldn't be too bad if she was already a good dancer.<br />Oh, how wrong I was!<br /><br />My heart sank the moment I saw her. <br /><br />"Hey, y'all! My name is Britney Jean," she said to me, while chomping gum, smoking, and guzzling a Red Bull at the same time. "That's sure a cute outfit you're wearing. Want to trade clothes?"<br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/britpole4.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><i>The new girl.</i><br /><br /><br />"Um...no," I said, taking a long, long look at her ripped up fishnets and grubby leather bustier. She smelled like she hadn't bathed in weeks. I glanced back at Earl, not believing he expected me to dance with this. He gave me an evil little smirk. <br /><br />"Work up a lezzie type act," he ordered. "Make it a sexy!"<br /><br />Britney Jean let out a loud belch. "No problemo," she said with a big smile, "I can do sexy in my sleep!"<br /><br />"Okay," I sighed. "Show me a few of your moves." I wanted to see what I had to work with. It turned out to be even worse than I expected. <br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/britpole3.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><i>First she ran around the pole in circles. WTF?</i><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/britpole2.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><i>Then she did sort of a funky chicken type move, complete with arm flapping.</i><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/britpole.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><i>And then she kind of just stood there and pretended to hump the pole.</i><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/britpole5.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><i>When she slid to the floor in a big finish, I distinctly heard her fart.</i><br /><br /><br />I was speechless! This was a great dancer? All of the other girls were snickering and Joe the bartender made a loud puking noise. I cut my eyes over to Earl, expecting him to be livid. Instead, he was gazing up at her with awe. "She's fantastic!" he whispered.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/bigearl-1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><i>Earl, watching Britney Jean's performance.</i><br /><br /><br />Earl was so impressed with Britney Jean that he decided she didn't need me. In fact, he demoted me to a waitress, so I quit. How dare he treat me this way! I marched right across the street to Earl's biggest competition, "The Boobie Barn" and got hired on the spot. It's okay, I made some decent tips but I don't know if I'll be able to stand my new boss. His name is Tom and he's even weirder than Big Earl if that's possible. You won't believe the kind of freaky stuff he's into. Here's a picture of him.<br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/nazitom.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><i>My new boss. He likes to be saluted.</i><br /><br />The Nazi stuff creeps me out! But the good news is that he's only about five feet tall and all the girls say he's gay so I won't have to worry about him pawing me. Still, I'm angry about the Britney Jean situation. And the very worst part is that she apparently sold out the house on Saturday night. That's right! "Fans" came from miles around just to watch her "dance" and lip sync to some awful 90's tunes. What is wrong with people?Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-90722659622460544632009-09-22T10:18:00.004-05:002009-09-22T10:53:05.956-05:00Blast From The Past #1Welcome to "Blast From the Past" week here at the Prunella de Ville headquarters. I decided to shake things up a bit by revisiting a few of my old favorite posts to see how things have changed since then. Did you buy that?<br /><br />Okay, okay, the real reason is because I'm too lazy to write anything new. Also, I'm having have bad menstrual cramps right now - the kind that make you want to tear your hair out and smash something - and that reminded me of the time, way back in 2007, when Britney Spears shaved her head and beat the crap out of some paparazzi's car. Oh, how I loved bald, rebellious Britney!<br /><br />This post was written during one of my periodic Shakespeare-obsessed episodes, when I like to reread a bunch of the bard's plays and then pattern mine parlance to evoke the vernacular of the great William Shakespeare. In other words, I babble like a loon while my friends roll their eyes and wait for it to pass. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><b>A MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT ARGUMENT</b><br /><br />A play in 2 acts by Prunella Jones<br /><br /><br /><br />Scene 1 THE PARKING GARAGE<br /><br />Enter Jessica Alba and her boyfriend Cash, dressed in black.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/alba2.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><b>Jessica</b> My Lord! Thy disposition is great and I hath felt in the past thy mind pure of unclean qualities. I had long admired thee, indeed for thy virtues, but no longer! Nay!<br /><br /><b>Cash</b> My good lady? What sayst thou? You doubt mine virtues and goodness? What nefarious villian has turned thou against me, pray tell? Who hast thus spake evil of me? I demand vindication! <br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/alba1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><b>Jessica</b> Good sir, I have heard many a brazen tale of your love for another. O how I have wept o'er thee! If thou dost love another, fairer maiden, thou must make thy desire heard. Indeed I demand satisfaction of this intelligence!<br /><br /><b>Cash</b> Madame, I am most sorrowful and grieved. Thou dost doubt mine love for thee which shines hot and bright with the power of a thousand suns.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/alba3.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><b>Jessica</b> Oh doth thou now protest? When you hath only recently bequethed admiration to a certain gentlewoman by the name of Britney? I have heard thy veneration for her "well shaped buttocks." Thou dost bring shame upon mine breast and the name of my family.<br /><br /><b>Cash</b> Now Mistress, I desire only thee. Be thou blest with unthankfulness? I am not such a sickly creature, heaven praise!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/alba4.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><b>Jessica</b> Hummmmmph!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/alba5.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><b>Jessica</b> Marry you I shall not. Against all cheques, rebukes, and manners thus I will retract the colours of my love and my goodwill. Unless thou tellst thy hartlot farewell. I'll be not thine friend but thine enemy!<br /><br />Exit<br /><br /><br />SCENE 2. AT NIGHT IN THE STREET<br /><br />Enter a very peeved Britney Spears.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/BSpearsRampage022107_1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><b>Britney</b> Nay, good sir! Nay, master! What foul confidence have you thus relayed to me? It is the rankest compound that ever offended a nostril! Love me you do not? How is this possible? Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I sleep? Why dost thou cuckold me? You have promised me marriage! Thy sperm didst bind us together.<br /><br /><b>Cash- speaking off stage</b> Nay, Britney. You mistook mine erection for love!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/BSpearsRampage022107_3.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><b>Britney</b> What sayst thou? What sayest thou? I'll have thy brains ta'en out and buttered and given to thy dog for a New Years gift! I abhor thee! Oh but you had been drowned like a fiend but the shore was shelvy and shallow. Devil! You shall not go unpunished. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame: if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me: I'll be horn mad!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/BSpearsRampage022107_5.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><b>Cash</b> No Britney, not the Escalade!<br /><br />EndPrunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-67347032672263169932009-09-17T17:52:00.005-05:002009-09-17T23:25:20.289-05:0010 Things You May Not Have Known About Jewelry Designer and Internet Blogging Sensation Wendy BrandesOccasionally when I'm not busy making my political views known or splashing pictures of my vagina across the internet, I like to write things about celebrities. Deep investigative journalism pieces, like when I <a href="http://prunella-de-ville.blogspot.com/2009/04/who-is-dr-zibbs-interview.html">interviewed Dr. Zibbs</a> and that time I went behind the scenes with <a href="http://prunella-de-ville.blogspot.com/2007/05/exclusive-interview-with-britneys.html">Carleen Sue Washington, hair weave specialist to the stars</a>. Exciting as these profiles were to do, they pale in comparison to this one I've just written. That's because I actually know Wendy B - we kind of grew up together - so I know all of her dirty little secrets. Heh, heh, heh.<br /><br /><br />You guys may think you know all about the internet's latest darling <a href="http://wendybrandes.com/blog/2009/09/coco-chanel-was-wrong/">Wendy B</a> but you'd be wrong. Oh so wrong!<br /><br />How wrong? Well, let's take a look.<br /><br /><br /><br />1. In college Wendy B was famous not only for her love of beer and drugs - she was insatiable! - but also because she managed to stay fresh, clean, and neat as a pin while getting shitfaced. It was a truly amazing thing to see.<br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.11NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNTMyMTMzNDExMTcmcHQ9MTI1MzIxMzM*OTYyMSZwPXd3dy5waWtpcGltcC5jb2*mZD*mZz*xJm89MzA*NGZhZTZhOGRlNGExOWE1NjI1MGNiYzdkZDdjMTMmb2Y9MA==.gif" /><a href="http://www.pikipimp.com/clicked/47383778" target="_top"><img src="http://hosted.pikipimp.com/pimped_photo/s/image/47/383/778/max-95-bday-june-09-768x1024-compiled.jpg" border="0" ismap="true" alt="my pimped pic!"/></a><br /><br />Here is a picture I snapped of her after an all night kegger. Note how cute and fresh she looks. Her clothes aren't wrinkled and her lipstick is not even smeared even though she'd just hurled after winning a hot dog eating contest. Bitch splashed barf all over my shoes while hers remained pristine. Then her snake ate my shoe when I kicked it off. It really bummed my trip, man.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />2. Wendy B is only three feet tall. It's true, technically she qualifies as a munchkin. She's just very, very good at making herself appear much taller through her clever use of clothing and accessories. See, you never would have guessed if I hadn't told you, huh?<br /><br /><br /><br />3. She taught me everything I know about pole dancing. And I know quite a bit!<br /><br /><br /><br />4. Wendy B is 249 years old. She was born in 1760 (which makes her 6 months older than me) and has had sex with every president up until the last couple as she swore off presidential humping when she got married. According to Wendy, Teddy Roosevelt was the best lay but her favorite was Lincoln because he had a nice long and thick package. The worst was Andrew Jackson because of his terrible tobacco breath.<br /><br />Having fucked every president myself - except for Obama, but I'll get you yet, Barry - I have to agree with Wendy about Teddy. He could go all night! <br /><br />The worst for me was Taft because he collapsed on top of me and I was nearly crushed under his bulk. Also I'll always hate Benjamin Franklin for fooling me into thinking he was president so I'd fuck him, even though he wasn't. Well, how was I to know? They didn't teach girls to read back then. But, I digress, know back to Wendy...<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />5. Wendy B stays so youthful-looking because she takes very good care of her skin, avoids too much sun, eats well, and because she is immortal.<br /><br /><br /><br />6. She's one tough broad! She was the 1991 Women's Kickboxing Champion, and she still enjoys getting out the gloves from time to time.<br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.11NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNTMxNjI5OTc4NDMmcHQ9MTI1MzE2MzAxODEwNyZwPXd3dy5waWtpcGltcC5jb2*mZD*mZz*xJm89ZDQ3OWU*ODJkNDlkNDMwY2IxNWZjMjEyNTRlNjRhOTgmb2Y9MA==.gif" /><a href="http://www.pikipimp.com/clicked/47370293" target="_top"><img src="http://hosted.pikipimp.com/pimped_photo/s/image/47/370/293/b-compiled.jpg" border="0" ismap="true" alt="my pimped pic!"/></a><br /><br /><i>Wendy B after a typical night of kicking the asses of those unlucky bitches who tried to outfashion her. FYI she got the black eye and bite marks from Anna Wintour.</i><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />7. She is a violin virtuoso. In fact, Wendy is so good that she once outplayed the devil himself. That's right. Apparently she was hanging out in Georgia one day playing her fiddle when the devil came along and bet a fiddle of gold against her soul. So they had a fiddle playing contest and, of course, Wendy beat him soundly. Then she smacked Satan over the head with the heavy instrument and went and had the gold melted down. Thus started her jewelry making empire.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i27.tinypic.com/9rrbbr.gif" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />8. Wendy B can shoot radioactive lasers from her eyes when she's angry. Believe me, you don't want to piss her off.<br /><br /><br />9. A few of these facts may be...ahem...slight exaggerations.<br /><br /><br />10. Except for number eight. That one is completely true, so watch out!Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-90207661171540898622009-09-16T19:18:00.006-05:002009-09-16T19:42:22.221-05:00Hope, Change, and HawtnessYou know, I joke a lot about running for president, but the more I think about it the more the idea appeals to me. I like Obama and all, but he is just a little too conservative for me. Plus, we really need a woman in the White House. Why not me?<br /><br />I am absolutely right for the job of running this country. There is not a doubt in my mind that I could balance the budget, end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, improve our relations with every country on Earth, reduce our reliance on oil, and make sure every American has health coverage. And I could do it all in four short years. My methods may be a bit...unconventional, but I know they'll work. Here are just a few of my ideas.<br /><br /><br />1. I will bust up every company deemed "too big to fail." If they are too big to fail then they are too big period.<br /><br />2. Wall Street executives will be required to pay reparations to the American people for their recent bit of jackassery.<br /><br />3. Any company that ships their jobs off to another country shall be required to pay a 90% "fuck you" tax on their profits. And for all the Republicans who will whine that those companies will leave America and take their jobs with them, well they already took their jobs away, dumbass! So they can go ahead and get the fuck out. Companies who hire Americans will get most excellent tax breaks.<br /><br />4. The CEO's of all banks and credit card companies found guilty of usury by charging outrageous interest rates shall have their knees and teeth busted out with baseball bats.<br /><br />5. Any so called "crime" that does not harm another person or their property shall be taken off the books. That includes drugs and prostitution. All drugs will be completely legal and available over the counter to anyone over the age of 18. They will be taxed like cigarettes, with the money going to pay for rehab for those who need it. Likewise prostitution will be taxed like cigarettes with the money going to job retraining for those prostitutes who want it, and to make sure young women (and men) are not forced into this job.<br /><br />6. Free birth control for all. Absolutely free and available to everyone at all times. And not paid for by your taxes either. No, instead I'd make all those pro-life groups pay for it. Since Randall Terry and his ilk are so interested in making sure no fetus is ever aborted, I'm sure he will be happy to urge his rabid followers to reach deep into their pockets and finance the country's condoms and BC pills. <br /><br /><br />7. We spend way too much money on the military. The DOD budget for 2009 was $515.4 billion dollars. This is insane when we already have enough weapons to blow up the world 10 times over. I would cut that budget down 90%. <br /><br />But Pru, you are probably thinking, that will leave us unprotected! T-t-terrorists will get us! And Russians! And other mean types that hate our freedoms!<br /><br />Don't worry, duckies. I got us covered. We'll still have an army. It just won't cost as much because it will be a monkey army and the monkeys will work for food.<br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i30.tinypic.com/xaxwu1.gif" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><i>What a monkey army may look like.</i><br /><br />You may think I'm kidding but nothing could be further from the truth. A monkey army would rock! They wouldn't even need any weapons. Can you imagine how terrifying it would be to have five thousand pissed off monkeys coming towards you with their teeth bared, ready to rip your face off? And monkeys are very quick and agile and wouldn't take kindly to being shot at. I'm betting the enemy would shit their pants and surrender immediately. This could very well end modern warfare as we know it.<br /><br />Also, if Putin rears his head and looks like he's even thinking of invading Alaska, I will invite him to The Boobie Barn, where my crack team of combat strippers will wrestle his ass into submission in the jello pit.<br /><br />These ideas are just the tip of the iceburg, guys. I have tons more. <br /><br /><br />And lemme tell ya, if some dumbass Joe Wilson-type called me a liar at one of my press conferences, I'd march down there and slap the shit out of him and also kick him in the penis for good measure. <br /><br />Don't let my little hippie act fool you. I'm plenty ruthless when I wanna be. Believe me, I'd run congress and the senate like Dorinda ran her stable of hoes in the movie "Truck Turner".<br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/3rvSpLYm3kQ&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x402061&color2=0x9461ca"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/3rvSpLYm3kQ&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x402061&color2=0x9461ca" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />Isn't she magnificent? If I were even half that hawt they'd call me President Colonel Sanders 'cause I'd be finger lickin' good! Oh yeah!!<br /><br />In your face, Sarah Palin! 2012 belongs to Prunella Jones.Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-70004919197282040602009-09-14T12:12:00.017-05:002009-09-14T15:56:55.601-05:00Picture Post, 'Cause I'm LazyOops, I should maybe mention this is probably Not Safe For Work, unless you work at Classy Earl's or The Boobie Barn. <br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.tinypic.com/m8fejd.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br />I did a double take when I saw this photo. This lady is a dead ringer for my mom! If my mom had black hair instead of blond and hung out with dudes in douchey shirts that is. She's too classy for that though. Besides, Mom usually puts Bud Lite in her beer bra.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i29.tinypic.com/28rh2kh.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br />Wouldn't "Mabel is Unstable" be a great name for a band?<br /><br />I've been there, Mabel, I know how it goes.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i32.tinypic.com/2u7y3o2.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Barry Manilow smoking a doob next to a lava lamp.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i25.tinypic.com/2lm9lya.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br />I made this then forgot about it. It still amuses me though, given my raging immaturity. Plus, that lady really looks like she let one go.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i31.tinypic.com/2is77yx.gif" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br />I made this one too, just out of pure meaness. Doesn't the lady with him look like she wishes he had a bigger "gun"?<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i30.tinypic.com/1z4wbcm.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br />Another social security collector against socialism! These people are making me think that a death panel might be a good idea.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i29.tinypic.com/2e66dld.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br />Not Mrs. Slocumb though. She was the hawtest old babe ever. I love her wigs! RIP Mollie Sugden. <br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i32.tinypic.com/ye260.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br />I want to write a book about the people in this picture. There is just so much weirdness going on. I imagine John Bult is Julie's older cousin whom her parents force her to marry. In my novel, Julie would stab John in the neck with a rusty ice pic and then hitch-hike her way to the big city to find happiness as a roller derby queen. Look for it soon at a book store near you.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/Sq6jVgIa3YI/AAAAAAAAAOE/lF_-NJ9gwCo/s1600-h/lunapic-125292812798951(4).gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 218px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/Sq6jVgIa3YI/AAAAAAAAAOE/lF_-NJ9gwCo/s320/lunapic-125292812798951(4).gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5381418194552151426" /></a><br />I have way too many pictures of myself naked and 'shopped to look like a cartoon.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/Sq6bwJSjXxI/AAAAAAAAAN0/42EG2IgqRJA/s1600-h/lunapic-125292812798951(2).gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 267px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/Sq6bwJSjXxI/AAAAAAAAAN0/42EG2IgqRJA/s320/lunapic-125292812798951(2).gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5381409856184082194" /></a><br />A scary cartoon. Even my pubic hair looks evil!<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/Sq562TrWBfI/AAAAAAAAANc/ShCFewjo9gA/s1600-h/lunapic-124487201459391(5).gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 285px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/Sq562TrWBfI/AAAAAAAAANc/ShCFewjo9gA/s320/lunapic-124487201459391(5).gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5381373678167918066" /></a><br />If I were blue and glittering naked clones from planet Shower Curtain, I'd (we'd) sing in high creepy voices like the Mothra twins while blasting you all with a cool ray gun that looked like a hair dryer.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.tinypic.com/1zv69u0.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br />Schnieder looks like he could handle the twins. Oh yeah, baby!<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i27.tinypic.com/2wq5ulx.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br />Chanel should use this hawt ass critter to sell lipstick. That is one fierce...whatever it is. Tyra who?<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/Sq6iY2OoByI/AAAAAAAAAN8/oJJ8u3e9528/s1600-h/soften2.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 294px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtS1UcXLvV0/Sq6iY2OoByI/AAAAAAAAAN8/oJJ8u3e9528/s320/soften2.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5381417152511739682" /></a><br />One more naked pic, because I never tire of them. This one is my fav. Expect to see a lot of it when I run for vice president in 2012. I'm thinking my slogan could be <i>"A Bush You Can Believe In!"</i> Sound good?<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.tinypic.com/2irafwh.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br />Derp!Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-13989822459846838842009-09-06T12:16:00.003-05:002009-09-06T13:22:10.476-05:00Why Paula? Why?I am livid right now! Absolutely livid!<br /><br />Why you ask? I'll tell you why.<br /><br />Apparently my former BFF Paula Abdul was spotted out partying the night away with...with...I can hardly bring myself to write her name...MileyCyrus! That's right! Remember her? The oafishly untalented hillbilly who tried to beat me for the 2009 Pole Dancing Championship? Yeah, that MileyCyrus.<br /><br />Oh, I've heard rumors that the two were hanging out together before this, but I always laughed them off. Paula knows how I feel about that little skank and she would never, ever do that to me, right?<br /><br />Wrong! Look at this picture. <br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNTIyNTczMzQ4NDEmcHQ9MTI1MjI1NzMzODA*MSZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWQ*NzllNDgyZDQ5ZDQzMGNiMTVmYzIxMjU*ZTY*YTk4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/98489584-paula-sob" target="_blank" title="Myspace Glitter Graphics"><img alt="paula sob" border="0" height="400" src="http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/5de/492409229_311168.gif" title="paula sob" width="312" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Myspace Glitter Graphics"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br />My former BFF Paula Abudul is dead to me! Dead I tell you!<br /><br />Here is the poem I just wrote to try and sort through this episode.<br /><br /><br />Paula Abdul why you dissin' me?<br />Mark my words, one these days<br />you'll be missin' me.<br /><br />Who held your hand <br />through Ryan's BS <br />and all of the media liars?<br />Who helped you scratch the word "Douche"<br />on Simon's car door<br />and slash all four of his tires?<br />Not MileyCyrus!<br /><br />Oh Paula!<br />How could you you betray me<br />how could you succumb,<br />to a jail bait, ass-shaker<br />with gigantic gums? <br /><br />I guess there's nothing left to say<br />at least in this little verse<br />if you're willing to throw our friendship away<br />just because I helped myself to a Vicodin or twelve from your purse.<br />I bet MileyCyrus will do much worse!Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-72286151933438866692009-09-04T13:32:00.004-05:002009-09-04T13:47:20.007-05:00Juliet Explains It All<i>"O happy dagger!<br />This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me die."<br /><br />Romeo and Juliet</i><br /><br /><br />Don't worry. This post has nothing to do with Shakespeare or anything. I just wanted to start off with one of my all time favorite lines. Because, whenever things are going kinda badly or boring or whatever, I like to quote Juliet while making loud gagging noises and mime stabbing myself in the guts with an imaginary knife.<br /><br />Why am I telling you this? <br /><br />Well, it's so that you'll understand what I mean when I describe my week for you as, "oh, it was a happy fucking dagger kind of week." <i>Stabbing motions...</i> GAAAAAAGGGG!<br /><br />Yep. That sums it up pretty well, I think.<br /><br /><br />P.S. I haven't forgotten your questions for the spirit world, it's just that contacting the dead with a pendulum is much trickier than anticipated. According to my New Ager friend, this requires lots and lots of quiet meditation beforehand, and sitting still while quietly concentrating is...well, not one of my strengths, that's for sure. I'm working on it, though. <br /><br />How was your week?Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-5191653362974436222009-08-26T13:58:00.004-05:002009-08-26T14:16:34.263-05:00The Spirits Are Telling Me They Are BoredI can see dead people.<br /><br />Well okay, not really, but I'd like to. I'd like to see them, and speak to them, and have them answer me back. Who wouldn't? It would be so cool to be a medium. I have a million questions about the afterlife.<br /><br />My mom and I used to watch that "Crossing Over" show where the psychic guy, John Edwards, would go over to an audience member and say something like, "I see a lady behind you with gray hair and a nice smile. She loves you very much." <br /><br />And of course the person would gasp, "Grandma!" or "Mom" and start crying tears of joy. Then the psychic would deliver some sort of bland message from Grandma like, "She wants you to know she's not suffering anymore, she's happy," and the audience would break into wild applause as if something amazing had just happened instead of bullshit.<br /><br />That show would piss me off to no end - tho it didn't prevent me from watching it, of course - because well, imagine being dead and finding yourself actually able to communicate with your loved ones. Would you really only want to just reassure them that you are fine and not suffering? How boring! Personally, I'd want to have a bit of fun with my relatives. <br /><br />"Oh my goodness," John would say, "I see a willowy blond woman behind you and it looks like she's screaming....screaming in agony. And she's saying...it sounds like...Help me! I'm burning. BURNING!"<br /><br />Rest assured, if one day a psychic ever says that to you, then it's most likely me fucking around from the spirit world after having been killed by a psychotic <i>Twilight</i> fan. Well, geez, I'll need to find some way to amuse myself while floating around on a cloud. What the heck else am I going to do all day, sing Kumbaya? Ugh!<br /><br />Anyway, I only bring this up because I've been thinking about my dad lately. He died right around this time four years ago from heart failure. We had him cremated (as he requested) and then were kinda unsure what to do with him after that. I wanted to sprinkle him somewhere, but my mom balked, and my brother had no opinion, so dad's been sitting in an urn upstairs on top of my mom's television.<br /><br />It's a pretty good resting place for him, I think. He really loved TV.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.tinypic.com/14142g8.gif" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><i>Meet my dad. His urn doesn't really sparkle like this. It should though, IMO.</i><br /><br /><br />My dad and I never really got along in life, but now that he's dead I enjoy having conversations with him. Like every once in awhile, usually during a commercial break, I'll glance over at the urn and say, "Hey dad, do you know that we have a black president now? And his middle name is - get this - Hussain!"<br /><br />Then I cackle a bit and picture dad's ashes whirling around in a frenzy inside of his jar.<br /><br />"And guess what?" I'll continue. "Our black Muslim president is planning on making a death panel to kill off all the mouthy old people so we don't have to pay them social security."<br /><br />This makes dad spin so fast the urn practically levitates. <br /><br />"Since there will be no room for crips in our new communist state, Mom will probably be joining you as soon as she breaks a hip. Won't that be nice?"<br /><br />At that point, I'll start to worry that the top to his container might explode and blow his ashes all over the room, so I quit taunting him. Besides, the House rerun I'm watching is usually back on by then anyway.<br /><br />This morning, upon reading that Ted Kennedy died, I thought, - Oh good, now dad will have someone new to argue with. He'll love that."<br /><br />Ted probably won't enjoy it, but maybe he'll luck out and there's alcohol in the great beyond. Do you think there is? This is one of the things I'd really like to hear about. Why doesn't John Edwards ask these types of questions?<br /><br />Oh, that's right. He's a fraud. Duh!<br /><br />You know, not too long ago a New Age-minded friend gave me a really pretty, rose quartz pendulum. I'd forgotten all about it. Ever heard of them? Basically, they are a tool that is supposed to help to help you contact the deceased. What you do is hold the pendulum above your open palm and ask it yes or no questions. If it swings back and forth that means yes. If it goes around in a circle, that means no.<br /><br />Or maybe it's the opposite way? (Note to self, check on that.)<br /><br />If there's nothing good on TV tonight, maybe I'll get out the pendulum and try to get in touch with my dad, or Ted Kennedy, or some other dead person. If I do make contact, is there anything you like to ask the spirits? Leave your questions in the comments and I promise I will do my best to answer them.Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-32851505923971777602009-08-22T12:20:00.020-05:002009-08-22T15:10:24.972-05:00Restless Hearts: A Soap Opera<a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i32.tinypic.com/2uxtzxz.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />It had been a long, hawt day for the residents of Casa de Prunella. But even as the sun sank into the sky, the heat index was rising higher and higher...thanks to the restless hearts inside...<br /><br />(Cue the cheesy music)<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i31.tinypic.com/2hwgpc7.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />In vain have I struggled. This will not do. Stripeyhead, you must allow me to tell you how much I admire and love you.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i25.tinypic.com/34oyqtl.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />What? Jackie...what are you saying?<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i25.tinypic.com/2efot8j.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />I'm saying, I want you. I must have you! Oh, I know it's wrong, but I can't resist. You are like my own personal brand of catnip!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i31.tinypic.com/1scnpu.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />But...are you sure? No, we can't...this is madness!<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i26.tinypic.com/22xbgh.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Look into my eyes and tell me you don't want me.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i31.tinypic.com/1scnpu.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Oh God, I do! Lord help me, but I do!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i26.tinypic.com/22xbgh.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Well, why don't you come over here and show me, honey?<br /><br /><br />Door opens.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i26.tinypic.com/2upzi53.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Wha...what the hell is going on in here? Jackie? What are you doing with this tramp?<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i25.tinypic.com/2efot8j.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Oh shit!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i32.tinypic.com/rj041y.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Excuse me? Who are you calling a tramp?<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.tinypic.com/bdtg6u.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />I'm calling you a tramp. Whore!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i32.tinypic.com/rj041y.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Bitch!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i27.tinypic.com/2n9cjea.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Jackie! Are you just going to sit there and let your slut insult me like that?<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i27.tinypic.com/2vnhxko.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Baby please, baby, don't be like that. I can expla--<br /><br />SLAP!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i27.tinypic.com/o0thxe.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Ooff!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i29.tinypic.com/25rlh89.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br /><i>Groan...</i> Damn, that woman can hit hard!<br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i27.tinypic.com/xp7hig.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />That's it! I've had it with you, you cad! You've humiliated me for the last time, Jackie. We're through!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.tinypic.com/34qwjyo.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Hey guys, guess what! I can lick my nose! <br /><br />Um...am I interrupting something?<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i32.tinypic.com/rj041y.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Why yes, Shirley, you are. You see, I was just getting ready to call this ass an ass and smack the shit out of him.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i27.tinypic.com/2vnhxko.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Naw Girl, listen up. You are the one I--<br /><br />SLAP! <br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i27.tinypic.com/o0thxe.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Ooof!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i32.tinypic.com/rj041y.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! Never talk to me again!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.tinypic.com/34qwjyo.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Wow. Guess what, Jackie? I think Stripey is mad at you. And so is Mae Mae. And my butt itches and I have fleas and some of them just jumped on you.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i29.tinypic.com/33ubwbq.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Oh, woe is me! My heart is broken. And so is my schnozzle! The pain...the humiliation...the fleas...how can I go on? How can I...zzzzzzzzzzzzz.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i32.tinypic.com/10ntke9.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Dang these fleas! <br /><br />Uh, Jackie? Do you see that weird light in the sky? It looks like...<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i30.tinypic.com/xf80sm.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Oh my god! Aliens!!!<br /><br />-----------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br /><br />Can Jackie's heart ever mend? What about his schnozzle? Did aliens just attack? And will Shirley ever be able to get rid of her fleas???<br /><br />Find out on the next episode of <i>Restless Hearts!</i>Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-79844504878646681752009-08-18T16:13:00.003-05:002009-08-18T16:18:25.737-05:00Why Do I Drink?To get drunk, of course.<br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i25.tinypic.com/eanp6w.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />If you need me I'll be in the bar.Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-67850483997560663742009-08-17T14:12:00.013-05:002009-08-17T18:27:18.712-05:00S'okay? S'alright!I've been thinking about my career options lately. They aren't so great. <br /><br />Sure I can make scads of money right now just by shaking my naked ass and twirling around on a pole, but that won't last forever. In these uncertain economic times, a person needs job security. That's why I've decided it would be a good idea to branch out a bit a bit and learn a skill that will always be in demand. <br /><br />I've decided to become a ventriloquist.<br /><br />Now, I know it won't be easy and will require lots of time and effort but I think I can do this. My mom found an old book of ventriloquist tips for me at the thrift store, and I've been practicing throwing my voice for the past few weeks. It's not really all that hard, actually. The hardest part was finding an affordable dummy. They can be quite expensive, but luckily I came across a whole boxful of puppet parts at a garage sale and was able to cobble a few together and so far so good. I think I'm a natural.<br /><br />Here, let me show you a bit of my act and you guys tell me what you think, okay?<br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNTA1MjY5MDc3NjAmcHQ9MTI1MDUyNjkwOTkxMyZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWQ*NzllNDgyZDQ5ZDQzMGNiMTVmYzIxMjU*ZTY*YTk4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/97257196-mrs-danvers" target="_blank" title="Myspace Glitter Graphics"><img alt="mrs. danvers" border="0" height="282" src="http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/5cc/482169627_373286.gif" title="mrs. danvers" width="237" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Myspace Glitter Graphics"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /><br /><br />PRU: Hi everyone, I'm The Amazing Prunella and this is my friend Mrs. Danvers. Say hello to the folks, Mrs. Danvers.<br /><br />MRS. D: Sinners! The day of judgment is at hand. Ye shall be judged, oh yes! Hahahahaha!<br /><br />PRU: Now, now Mrs. D, what makes you say that?<br /><br /><br />MRS. D: It was written...America shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God. And they shall fall by the sword, the filthy heathens, one by one: their infants shall be dashed into pieces, their women stoned with bricks, their men castrated, their tongues ripped out, and their eyeballs gouged squishily. And no one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut shall enter the assembly of the Lord. For my god is a jealous god and those that curse his name shall have their heads chopped off and thrown into the river of blood and heads. BLOOD AND HEADS!<br /><br /><br />PRU: Whoa. That's a little bit...well, nevermind. Wanna hear a joke? Knock knock -<br /><br />MRS. D: It is you who are the joke, young Jezebel! The BIBLE has much to say of you and your carnal sisters. I quote:<br /><br />"Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions."<br /><br />PRU: Wait....stallions?<br /><br />MRS. D: Lo, shall he punish the WHORES, sending an angel with a mighty sword. And he shall stabith thee in thy guts, and ripith out thy still beating whore heart, which shall be fed to demons and lizards. Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.<br /><br />PRU: Um....<br /><br />MRS. D: Blood must be spilled! Yes, BLOOD - thick enough to swim in - for only then shall the TRUE believers be lifted from the kingdom of dragons --<br /><br />PRU: OKAY! Thanks Mrs. Danvers, but now let's hear from some other friends, shall we? Everyone, I'd like you to meet my pal, Pete in the Box. How's it going, Pete?<br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNTA1MjQ*OTIzMjMmcHQ9MTI1MDUyNDUxNTcxMyZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWQ*NzllNDgyZDQ5ZDQzMGNiMTVmYzIxMjU*ZTY*YTk4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/97254815-paranoid-pat" target="_blank" title="Glitter Graphics"><img alt="paranoid pat" border="0" height="400" src="http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/5cb/482148853_336420.gif" title="paranoid pat" width="342" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Glitter Graphics"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /> <br /><br />PETE: Are you alone?<br /><br />PRU: Yes, well I mean, it's just me and a few people from the internet.<br /><br />PETE: The internet? Are you crazy? Don't even go there, I'm warning you. I wrote a letter to President Bush and told him about the super computer being built in Belgium in order to warn him, but instead he took that knowledge and used it to build a giant hurricane machine. You don't really believe Hurricane Katrina was a natural disaster, do you? Cause I can assure you, it wasn't. <br /><br />PRU: Whatever, okay Pete. Why don't you sing a song while I drink this glass of water?<br /><br />PETE: Take a Vitamin C while you're at it and wash your hands. The government is getting ready to release the really deadly Swine flu virus this month. That stuff in the Spring was just a test. They are already building FEMA camps to lock up all the people who refuse to get vaccinated. Don't take the shot, though! It's contaminated with AIDS. And leprosy. This is all part of Obama's plan to get everyone sickly enough so he can implement his death panel of doom.<br /><br />PRU: Sigh.<br /><br />Okay then, moving on. Let's talk to Johnny! Hi Johnny.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i26.tinypic.com/2znvlf7.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />JOHNNY: Hel-lo.<br /><br />PRU: How are you feeling today, Johnny?<br /><br />JOHNNY: Vedy good. S'okay.<br /><br />PRU: S'okay?<br /><br />JOHNNY: S'okay. S'alright.<br /><br />MRS. DANVERS: (interrupting) FOOLS! Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it...Malachi 2:3.<br /><br /><br />JOHNNY: Oh, oh! S'notokay! S'notalright!<br /><br />PRU: Please Mrs. Danver --<br /><br />MRS. DANVERS: Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, wig for a WIG!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i27.tinypic.com/xf7yo.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />JOHNNY: AHHHHHHH!! NOOOOOOOO!<br /><br /><br />Ba-dah-dah! The End.<br /><br /><br /><br />Well, that's it so far. Do you love it?<br /><br />These dummies are a trip. It's almost like they have a mind of their own, or something. But I think with a few tweaks, we'll be ready to debut the act at my nephew's fourth birthday party this weekend. Kids love talking puppets so I'm sure we'll be a big hit.Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-73386882183845893682009-08-14T12:34:00.004-05:002009-08-14T13:24:24.957-05:00OMG!OMG!<br /><br />I may have just accidentally swallowed a bug that landed in my tea.<br /><br />I think it was just a gnat, but what if it wasn't?<br /><br />What if it was something far worse?<br /><br />What if it was some kind of flying, parasitic, mosquito-like thingee?<br /><br />What if its laying it's filthy, squirming eggs in my esophagus right now?!<br /> <br />It probably is!<br /><br />Parasitic, flying mosquito worm eggs that will hatch within days and make their way up my throat, and through my nasal passages into my cerebellum and burrow deep into my frontal brainial cavity!<br /><br />And then the worms will settle in, feasting on what few smarticles I have left, growing fatter and fatter on my diminishing thoughts, until they are poking out of my ears like linguine and I am left a drooling idiot. <br /><br />Then I'll spend my days twiddling my thumbs and nodding my head along to Jonas Brothers songs until I am hauled before Obama's newly reformed government health care's dreaded "Death Panel."<br /><br />Fox News said that the Death Panel will be staffed by Dr. Hannibal Lecter, Dr. Kevorlian, and Dick Cheney. What if that's true?<br /><br />They'll kill me for sure!<br /><br />After harvesting my salvageable organs, of course, to sell to the highest bidder.<br /><br />And then they'll grind up whatever is left of me and add it to cow feed for the extra protein.<br /><br />And then...OMG! <br /><br />When the cows are slaughtered and ground into meat patties and sold to grocery stores around the country, some of you will eat them.<br /><br />Hamburgers containing me and my brainial cavity worm eggs.<br /><br />Which will hatch in your intestines and start to multiply...<br /><br />Even if you are a vegetarian you'll still get them because the wormy cow shit will be used as fertilizer to grow your soybeans and veggies, and also seep into the ground water. <br /><br />OMG, I've just killed us all!!! Humanity is doomed! DOOMED! We will all be dead by 2012 because of me!<br /><br />I'm so sorry.<br /><br /><br />Does anyone have a Valium? I need to go lie down for a while.Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-41725917012453986752009-08-12T09:44:00.011-05:002009-08-12T15:57:29.297-05:00SnapsSweet Zombie Jeebus but my mom is driving me crazy today! She's tearing up the house in a cleaning and organizing frenzy and it's really harshing my mellow. So in order to get her to shut her yap and leave me in peace, I agreed to go through a few boxes of stuff in the closet. It was mostly junk but I did find a few pictures to share with you guys.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i29.tinypic.com/zx4bxz.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Here's one of me as a precious newborn with Grandpa. My mom said I cried constantly throughout the first few months of my life, and looking at this picture I can see why. I didn't want HUGS! Geez.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNTAwOTA*MTUyMjYmcHQ9MTI1MDA5MDQxODEyMCZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWQ*NzllNDgyZDQ5ZDQzMGNiMTVmYzIxMjU*ZTY*YTk4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/96951994-awkward" target="_blank" title="Personalized Glitter Graphics"><img alt="awkward" border="0" height="400" src="http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/5c7/479596824_165082.gif" title="awkward" width="284" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Personalized Glitter Graphics"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /> <br /><br />Hard as it may be to believe, I wasn't always supermodel gorgeous. Like many kids, I definitely went through an awkward stage. Oh well, at least my jazz hands were always fierce!<br /><br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNTAwODgyNDYxODcmcHQ9MTI1MDA4ODI1MDk2NyZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWQ*NzllNDgyZDQ5ZDQzMGNiMTVmYzIxMjU*ZTY*YTk4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/96949743-chick" target="_blank" title="Add Glitter to your Photos"><img alt="chick" border="0" height="300" src="http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/5c7/479577895_439816.gif" title="chick" width="400" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Add Glitter to your Photos"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /> <br /><br />Ah memories. This one's from high school when I won the Miss Inland Empire Poultry Princess pageant. Check out the bitch in pink, you can tell she's choking with jealousy over losing to me. The very next day she tried to steal my boyfriend, but I fixed her good. I started a rumor that she was born with balls and a teeny peen and soon everyone was calling her Tammy the Tranny. Ha ha ha! After that, she got knocked up by this crazy homeless vet named Gimpy who lived behind the roller rink, and then she dropped out of school. I wonder what she's up to now?<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i26.tinypic.com/vovj37.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />That's Grandmaw Jones at Christmas. She's so easy to buy presents for.<br /><br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNTAwOTI1NDcxNjYmcHQ9MTI1MDA5MjU*OTU2OSZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWQ*NzllNDgyZDQ5ZDQzMGNiMTVmYzIxMjU*ZTY*YTk4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/96953964-uncle-frank" target="_blank" title="Make custom Glitter Graphics"><img alt="uncle frank" border="0" height="300" src="http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/5c7/479614039_499021.gif" title="uncle frank" width="400" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Make custom Glitter Graphics"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /> <br /><br />Here I am as a rebellious young teen hanging out with my Uncle Frank at his trailer in Hemet. God, just look at that picture! It's so crazy! I mean, can you believe I actually used to drink Bud Light? Eww!<br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNTAwOTk2ODg4NjYmcHQ9MTI1MDA5OTY5MTE*MyZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWQ*NzllNDgyZDQ5ZDQzMGNiMTVmYzIxMjU*ZTY*YTk4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/96960771-married" target="_blank" title="Create cool Profile Comments"><img alt="married" border="0" height="400" src="http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/5c7/479673469_364958.gif" title="married" width="297" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Create cool Profile Comments"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /> <br /><br />Oh yeah, this one's from my wedding. Did I tell you I got married once? Probably not, it's a really sad story. You see, immediately after we exchanged vows, my new husband was abducted by a UFO. It was incredibly traumatic, as the aliens beamed up all the champagne along with him. And it was the spendy stuff too, not cheap swill! We got a discount because his cousin owned a liquor store. I was utterly heartbroken and still am. <br /><br />Damn you, aliens, for taking away the only man I'll ever love!!! Oh Sam, I'll never forget you,... ur...shit, I mean Stan. That's right, Stan. The best 45 minutes of my life was the time I spent as Mrs. Stan....um...I think it started with a B. I'll ask my mom, she'll know.<br /><br /> <br /> <br /> <br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNTAwOTYzNzk2NDUmcHQ9MTI1MDA5NjM4MzQyMyZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWQ*NzllNDgyZDQ5ZDQzMGNiMTVmYzIxMjU*ZTY*YTk4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/96957929-jugglo" target="_blank" title="Glitter Graphics"><img alt="jugglo" border="0" height="322" src="http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/5c7/479649084_430250.gif" title="jugglo" width="400" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Glitter Graphics"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /><br /><br />Hmmmm, I think this pic is from the 2008 Gathering of the Juggalos festival. Or maybe 2007...anyway, good times. Woo woo, Riverside 'Lo's representin', y'all!<br /><br /><br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNTAxMDIxNjIyOTQmcHQ9MTI1MDEwMjE2NzY2MyZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWQ*NzllNDgyZDQ5ZDQzMGNiMTVmYzIxMjU*ZTY*YTk4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/96964258-shades" target="_blank" title="Myspace Glitter Graphics"><img alt="shades" border="0" height="210" src="http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/5c7/479703072_735278.gif" title="shades" width="280" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Myspace Glitter Graphics"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /> <br /><br />Hey, this one is pretty recent too. LOL, I don't even know who these people are. I was just shopping for rugs one day after visiting the wig store, and noticed this group of hipsters getting photographed, so of course I jumped in. <br /><br /> <br /><br /> <br /><br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyNTAxMDE1MTE3NDQmcHQ9MTI1MDEwMTUxNzkxMSZwPTYyNTEmZD1jb2RlYm94Jmc9MSZvPWQ*NzllNDgyZDQ5ZDQzMGNiMTVmYzIxMjU*ZTY*YTk4.gif" /> <a href="http://blingee.com/blingee/view/96963607-sun" target="_blank" title="Glitter Graphics"><img alt="sun" border="0" height="300" src="http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/5c7/479697291_623059.gif" title="sun" width="400" /></a><br /><a href="http://blingee.com" target="_blank" title="Glitter Graphics"><font size="2"></font></a><br /><br /> <br /><br />My shades are definitely the hawtest, don't you agree?Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-77582126566730838192009-08-10T15:45:00.008-05:002009-08-10T22:07:53.713-05:00There Can Be Only One!Let's get one thing straight. I, Prunella Jones, AM the star dancer and main attraction at <i>Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits</i>. Everybody knows this.<br /><br />It took me the last few months to claw my way back to primo headlining status after being forced to leave <i>The Boobie Barn</i> (in order to <a href="http://prunella-de-ville.blogspot.com/2009/05/mrs-edward-cullen-is-going-to-kick-my.html">avoid getting my ass kicked</a>), and I don't take kindly to impudent little jailbait upstarts trying to knock me off my pole. I am not going anywhere!<br /><br />Right now I am making top bank with my Sarah Palin impersonation. Have I told you guys about it? It's really sweet and so totally easy. All I have to do is pile my hair into a big bun (with a little help from Bump-It hair volumnizer, I just know she uses this product), slip into a slutty stewardess looking suit with some thigh-high stockings, and plop my purple schoolmarm glasses - seen in the pic below - on to my nose. <br /><br /><br /><a href="http://s102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/?action=view¤t=PB050406.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/pru2_01/PB050406.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><i>The better to see you naughty little mavericks with, oh yes!</i><br /><br /><br />Then when the DJ says, "Everybody make some noise for the sexy Saraaaaah!" I come out, winking and mugging, and slowly peal my clothes off to the song "Barracuda" by Heart while everyone goes wild. <br /><br />After I get naked, I just have to toss out a few, "you betchas" and "doncha knows" and "quit staring at my Trig-feeders, you dirty libs!" and the cash money flies towards me. I can't keep up with all the lap dance requests. Even the die-hard Republican's love it.<br /><br />This is as it should be, of course. I was put on this earth to be a superstar.<br /><br />That's why the new dancer at work better watch herself.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.tinypic.com/2mqspcm.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><i>Puh-leaze. Who wants to see her shake it? Besides Pedo-Bear I mean.</i><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i30.tinypic.com/2pq9soz.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a><br /><br />Just look at this boring little hillbilly. Who is she trying to kid? Get this, she calls herself, "MileyCyrus" - what kind of stripper name is that I ask you? And honey, the skanky, Lindsay Lohanesque, kinderwhore shorts wearing, grinding-on-an-ice cream-cart while lipsincing to "Sugarwalls" has been done to death. It's so 2002.<br /><br />Besides, it attracts all the pedophiles and everyone knows they are terrible tippers. Not to mention being really, really creepy.<br /><br />As opposed to the run-of-the-mill, only slightly creepy horndogs we usually attract, I mean.<br /><br />Look little girl, I'm thinking it's about time for you to pack up your zit cream and leave the ass shaking to the pros, mmkay. <i>Classy Earl's</i> may be a big place but I'm afraid it's not big enough for the both of us. Remember what happened to Britney Sue Spears when she tried to horn in on my popularity? <br /><br />Oh, that's right. You were probably still in diapers then.<br /><br />Well, let me let you in on a little secret, sweet 'ems. You know that douchenozzle she married and reproduced with, KFed? Who do you think introduced her to him? Hmmmm?<br /><br />That's right, it was me. I'm ruthless, honey. I'll do anything it takes to stay at the top of this business. If you continue trying to (finger quotes) "out-sexy" me on the stripper pole, then you may as well consider yourself served.<br /><br />It will be so on!Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-53286092204275577242009-08-08T12:31:00.006-05:002009-08-08T16:58:34.943-05:00Morons for Moronica! Hoo-ray!My fellow Americans, I have a dream.<br /><br />Yes I do, shall I tell you about it? It's for all those non-moneyed, conservative Americans out there too stupid to vote for their own interests.<br /><br />Not sure who I'm talking about? Let me clarify.<br /><br />I am talking about the teabaggers, the birthers, the Rush Limbaugh worshipers, the gun-loving, mouth-breathing, cousin-fucking, "Real Americans" who are storming Town Hall meetings across the land, threatening violence so that they can be allowed to have their healthcare rationed and denied by the CEOs of insurance companies, rather than have any sort of option from the horribly incompetent and evil gub'mint. 'Cos that's dirty, dirty socialism, doncha know?<br /><br />The people who say "OMG they're going to make the insurance companies actually compete with a low cost alternative partially paid for by people with too much money. ZOMG HITLER!!! Where's my gun, Cletus?!!<br /><br />The hearty, true patriot, Joe Sixpack/Fake Plumbers of the land, I have a dream for you.<br /><br />I have a dream for all of those who love unregulated markets, Glen Beck, and Jeebus. For those with IQs slightly lower than Sarah Palin but just above dishwater. For those who worry that their children will turn to witchcraft because they read a Harry Potter book. <br /><br />I have a dream, all right. <br /><br />My dream is that the people I've described will rise up and form their very own country. Possibly in Texas.<br /><br />Now Friends, if this describes you, I implore you to seriously consider this idea.<br /><br />Think about it. Why would you want to stay here with the rest of us secular humanists types and fancy mustard lovin' libs, paying taxes to a President (who wasn't even born here!) who wants to kill old people and steal your money so he can abort retarded babies and harvest their stem cells for a bunch of damn elitist scientists? I've also heard that he plans to make sex changes mandatory for all those who refuse to be vaccinated with the ghey. Bill O'Reilly told me so, so you know it's true.<br /><br />Secede, my friends! Secede and make your own country. This is the only way!<br /><br />Secede and do it now, before that Kenyan takes your guns away! You know he wants to. Hurry up, secede! Take Texas! Turn it into a country just for you and those who think like you do. A country that you can be proud of. It could be called <b>"Moronica"</b> or <b>"Real 'Merica"</b> and Sarah Palin can be your queen. <br /><br />Wouldn't she be a lovely queen? All the pansy libs would die from jealousy over her beauty and smartness. And anyone who made fun of her or questioned the things she said could be shot immediately.<br /><br />Just think of it. Close your eyes and imagine. Dream. Can't you see it? A place of your very own where no one has to pay taxes ever! A place completely independent! A place with good Christian family values.<br /><br />A place with no polysyllabic words.<br /><br />In short, I'm talking about a Republican utopia.<br /><br />In Moronica there will be no abortion EVER. Nope, not even if your wife is dying or your 12-year-old daughter gets raped. God has sayeth unto Fox News that a fetus is way more important then the uterus what holds it, therefore it must be so. You won't have to worry about that anyway 'cause these things won't happen as long as them womens keep their slut legs together anyhow.<br /><br />No homo-fairy-fag gheys allowed in your country. (Men with a wide stance are okay, though 'cause that's not ghey.) Ditto for them welfare-lovin' dark people and funny talkin' furiners. Everyone in Real 'Merica will be good ol' bootstrappin' rugged individualists and mavericks what speak English just like Jesus. <br /><br />Nobody, but nobody will get a free ride in your republican paradise, this I'll personally guarantee. Because there won't be any of that nightmarish Social Security crap for you. No, old people, the retarded, and disabled will strap on their boots and get to work everyday if they want to eat just the way the good lord intended, dadgubit. <br /><br />Luckily health care won't be a problem because everyone knows that prayer cures cancer and abstinence cures everything else. <br /><br />In Real 'Merica there will be a church on every corner and no schools to infect your children with librul ideas like evolution and putting g's on the end of words. No libraries neither. That's socialist. Anyway, readin's a waste of time and not very bootstrappy.<br /><br />And think how handy it will be when <i>The Rapture</i> begins. All of you good Christians will be right there in one place, making it that much easier for the angels to lift you up to Heaven.<br /><br />Nope, nothing in Real "Merica (or Moronica) except good ol' bootstrappin' rugged individualists and mavericks. Yep, yep. How wonderful it would be! What a dream! <br /><br />Except....hold on. I just realized something.<br /><br />Now that I think about it, Real 'Merica already exists as a nation. Duh! How have we not noticed this before? It's called Somalia.<br /><br />No need to form a whole new country when that one meets all your requirements. <br /><br />Check it out. Somalia is a teabagger's paradise. There is no police, no government officials meddling in business. No regulation of anything. No TAXES! No LAWS! No public health system. Nothing but pure boot-strappiness! HEE HAW!<br /><br />Of course, there are quite a few darkies, but hey you guys got plenty of guns. Run 'em off, send 'em to Kenya and the country is yours. Obama will be happy to give them Somalians some sort of handout once they get up there to his homeland. <br /><br />Just think of it! Real 'Merica right there in Africa. <br /><br />Once the rest of the continent gets a load of your fine democracy you know they'll be wantin' it for themselves for sure, and soon enough the land will be covered in WalMarts and McDonalds. Can't you see it? Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it? John Wayne and Ronald Reagan would be so damn proud.<br /><br />So what are you guys waiting for? Get to it! Off with you all of you to Somalia quickly! Have a good trip and don't forget to write. Oops! I forgot, there is no post office there either.<br /><br />Oh well, no loss. I certainly won't miss you at all, that's for sure. Buh-bye!Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38665837.post-80351601139543117242009-08-06T11:46:00.004-05:002009-08-06T11:56:58.127-05:00Curses! I Was Trying To Keep This A Secret!<a href="http://kenyanbirthcertificategenerator.com/7eb397413574c49e8a9c0ac6ff001165"><img src="http://kenyanbirthcertificategenerator.com/7eb397413574c49e8a9c0ac6ff001165.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Damn you Birthers, and your relentless digging for the truth! Happy now? You'll pay for this, oh yes, when I call upon my father to bring up the zombie army and have them feast upon your brilliant brains! Ha ha ha!Prunella Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05417020468879289426noreply@blogger.com14