Resolution Rhymes With Pollution, Retribution, and Mental Institution

Well, 2008 is almost over.

Good. It wasn't such a great year anyway. Bring on 2009! Out with the old in with the new and all that jazz.

I'm not in a real big celebratory mood so I don't have any major plans to go out and get drunk or anything. Not like last year. Yikes, last year I rang in the new year with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan and it didn't end so well. I mean, it was fun and all, but I did a little too much coke and drank a few too many Mojitos and the next thing I knew it was dawn and I was sitting on the curb with no underwear on and only one shoe, watching Paris's Bentley peel away as she and Lindsay gave me the middle finger. Apparently I'd managed to barf not only all over the car but also in Lindsay's purse, on Paris's hair extensions, her three little Chihuahua puppies, Brandon Davis, Brody Jenner, and the baggie of coke. Ugh, it was so embarrassing!






A snapshot from New Years Eve 2007. Check out how wasted I am. As I recall Lindsay and I had just thrown our panties at some paps when this pic was taken. Although you can't see her, Britney Spears was passed out in the backseat after swallowing forty egg rolls in five minutes. Never dare that girl to do anything crazy 'cause she'll totally do it. I lost 50 bucks!




This year I think I'll just stay in and work on my New Years Resolutions. Have you made yours yet? Here is what I have so far:


1. Become the Poet Laureate of the United States- Fuck small realistic goals like saving money or eating better, I'm ready to dream big. I've been pondering this for a while and I truly think I deserve it. Yes, most of the former poets have been serious types who write about the beauty of nature and that sort of boring crap while I concentrate on limericks about pirates but so what? True, I have no poetic talent, but why should that hinder me in the slightest?

If there is one thing I've learned in 2008 it's that talent and qualifications for a job mean zip. I mean, look at all the CEOs who ran their companies into the ground and got rewarded with gobs of cash. And if George Bush had agonized over his lack of leadership ability he'd never have gotten to be president, now would he? And Sarah Palin certainly didn't let a little thing like competency stand in the way of running for vice president, nosireebob.

So screw it! I've got great legs, a winning smile, and I know how to wink saucily. Plus, I'm willing to fuck whomever I need to get it so the job is as good as mine.


2. Contact the Dead- Yeah, this one might be a little harder to make happen but I still think it's doable. Someone I loved a lot died this year and I really want to see if I can get in touch with her. If anyone could find a way to communicate from the great beyond it would be this lady. Of course, the last time I messed around with the Ouiji Board I accidentally summoned Kurt Cobain and he's been hanging around my bathroom ever since. It's cool though. He's really quiet and just hangs out in the corner scribbling stuff on my walls and occasionally mumbling sarcastic remarks about my taste in music. Most of the time I forget he's there.

You'd think having a ghost around would be enlightening but Kurt is not exactly a wellspring of information. Believe me, I've tried asking him questions about the afterlife but he just shrugs or snorts derisively. My friend was the chatty sort so if I can get ahold of her I know she'll tell all.


3. Quit Worrying About Things I Have No Control Over- Hey, if India and Pakistan want to nuke each other off the face of the Earth they will, regardless if I fret about it or not. I'm sick of anguishing over the world's problems. I know no one asked me to, it just seems to happen anyway whenever I watch the news.


4. Make a Terrarium- I'm bad with plants - in fact I kinda have a black thumb and kill them more often than not - but terrariums seem easy enough and they look so cool.


Well, that's all I've written down so far. How about you? Got any resolutions you want to share? You know I'd love to hear them.

HERE'S HOPING YOU ALL HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE!






Yar!



Oh, and thanks for asking about Jackie Waffles. He's doing great. He slept a lot after he got home but the next day he was right back to normal, spazzing around and stealing the other cats food. I don't think he's even noticed that his balls are missing. Here's his "After" picture. As you can see he looks exactly the same.




Uh oh