Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Home Alone: The Prunella Jones Story

Yes, it's time once again for another installment of The Prunella Jones Story starring Britney Spears as Pru. Today our plucky young heroine finds herself all alone, much like McCauley Culkin in that kiddie movie where he slapped both hands on his face and screamed adorably.

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Guess what, y'all? I just dropped my mom off at the airport. She's gone to visit my brother in San Diego for a month or three. Do you know what that means? It means I have the house all to myself for the first time in ages.

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It's so cool! Freedom! Now I won't have to hide in the closet to smoke pot! Woot!

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She's been living with me for so long now I'd almost forgotten what it's like to be alone. I'm so used to having her around nattering on and on and on - she loves to chatter - that the place seems unnaturally quiet now. Not that I ever listened to her, mind you. It was more like a soothing background noise. Sort of like the teacher talking to Charlie Brown in those holiday specials, "Womp womp a wompa womp." All I'd have to do was throw in a "yes ma'am," or "uh huh" once in a while and we were good. Strange, but I'm kinda missing that.

Although now I can wander around the house in nothing but a fake fur coat, eating Doritos dipped in cottage cheese and flash the neighbors without having to hear a lecture on good nutrition or the necessity of bras. Seems like a pretty good trade off.

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In fact, now I'll be able to crank up the music as loud as I want when I'm singing and dancing along with Toxic and pretending to be a contestant on America's Next Top Model. It's hard to practice smiling with your eyes and pouting in the mirror when someone is complaining that she can't hear Oprah.

I'm gonna shake my moneymaker! Shake, shake, shake!

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OMG y'all, I just realized that I won't have to slut around town anymore. I can get my freak on right here in my own home like any normal, grown up slut who doesn't have a 62 year old, Martha Stewart-obsessed roommate. I can totally turn this place into a sex dungeon if I want to. Hmmmmm. Where did I leave that whip? Oh yeah, it's over at John Mayer's house. Duh!

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You know, I love the woman to death. I really do, but she kinda......cramps my style if you know what I mean. (wink, wink)

I'm really going to enjoy having this dump to myself. Maybe Mom will stay in San Diego till Spring. Heh heh, party at Pru's house tonight!

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Well, I'm off to take a shower now and....wait a minute, the shower is looking a bit mildewy. Ewwwww. And it looks like there aren't any clean towels. Hey MOOOOOOOOM? Oh crap.....she's not here. It looks like I'm going to have to do all the housework by myself. That sucks! Me no like cleaning! What day does she get home again?

Will Prunella turn the house into a sex dungeon? A really filthy one since she hates to clean? Will her mother return to find the house littered with random kinksters handcuffed to the wall and a whole lot of dust? And which would upset her more?

The answers to these questions and more will probably not be found in the next episode of The Prunella Jones Story. But y'all come on back anyway, okay?


Warped Mind of Ron said...

Give me the address and I'll bring my own handcuffs!! LOL

WendyB said...

Why didn't the big alligator thingy have a role in this?

me said...

Oh Pru, You're what the French call Les Incompetents...

Get that mom back ASAP. ASAP.

Also, why do you always have to pull your shirt up, dogg??

Clearly, the shirt is meant to be down, covering your stomach. If it was meant to be exposed, perhaps the shirt would have been cut off that high up and you wouldn't have to wrap your shirt like that? hmmmm??

Did Mayer put up to this??? Damn him all over again!!!

Sweet Cheeks said...

Well as it's an emergency I think you need to be rash and GO OUT to get your groove on. Sounds like you've been couped up too long! Go to someone else's place and take a long hot shower (make sure you throw the towels on the floor when your done), order pizza with their credit card, drink all the booze in the house (Vodka, Gin, Jack - whatever they have), have the most insane sex of the century - complete with screaming, pee in their potted plants and finally - throw up on the front lawn. You'll feel a lot better afterwards. You don't have to worry about a thing...except getting back to your own hole in the wall and not letting mom find out of course....

Balou said...

she needs a scrubernizer, hoovernizer, laundranizer, and a belt.

Prunella Jones said...

Ron- don't forget the butterscotch pudding.

Wendy- Land Gator? His head is getting too big lately. Seems to think he should get top billing around here or his own blog or something. I told him I'd get back to him on that and then lost promptly lost his number. The nerve!

Me- my gorgeous spray on abs should be admired by one and all. I'm doing my darnedest to bring half shirts back again. C'mon y'all, wasn't 1999 a good year for fashion?

Sweet- yeah, that sounds like a typical Friday night out for me. I'm ready for something new. Like doing all that stuff at home.

Balou- and a Frappachino. And meds.

CarmenSinCity said...

I just had the house to myself for ten days and it was awesome!!!! My roommate actually comes home tonight. I Hope you enjoy your time in the house alone!

Krissyface said...

I miss your mama.

Did she leave you her afro pick, at least???

Lulu LaBonne said...

I'm guessing mom would don a gimp mask and join in the fun

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Well, you COULD just stay home and behave...but...NAAAAAAH...

fashion herald said...

I'm a little worried about jackie, can he survive all the debauchery?

honkeie2 said...

Who will shave her beaver now? Mommy always kept that up for her!