Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Interview With a Blogger

Yay! A new meme!

This one comes from the Princess of the Universe. It's basically a five question interview. I signed up for it because it looked like fun. These are the questions she sent me:

1. So are you totally waiting by the mailbox everyday for the prize I owe you? How long before you devote an entire post to how much of a slacker I am??

Oh yeah! (I won a prize on her blog for describing my favorite sexual fantasy, which involved banging Johnny Depp on top of a pile of money.)

Where is my prize, dammit? I need that prize! All I ever get in the mail is bills and junk. That's why I hardly ever check it, except on Fridays when my mom's People Magazine is delivered. You'd better quit that slacking, Vi, or you'll turn out like me - a person whose idea of success is remembering where she put her car keys.

2. I haven't heard anything about the Boobie Barn lately- why don't you tell me what's been going on?

Ugh, The Boobie Barn. What a wretched place that is. Well, it's true I haven't mentioned it in a while. Mostly because it's just the same thing night after night. I get up there and dance my heart out and no one cares. They just yell stuff like, "Open your legs, sweetie!"

I'm an artist! I'm the reincarnation of Josephine Baker! I put a lot of thought into making my routines a glorious treat for the senses, but still make about the equivalent amount of money as any one of the uncoordinated bitches who bumble around to their same old tired Bon Jovi songs. The audience just doesn't care as long as there is nakedness involved.

Dancing has not been nearly as much fun since my helper monkey, Tucksworth, was banned from the club.

Speaking of my old friend Tucksworth, I just got a Christmas card from him and he's doing well. In fact, he got married. Here's the pic he sent:

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Aren't they a lovely couple?

3. Is Karl still hanging out in your bathroom?

Oh yes, Karl the Sleestack is still in my bathroom. He likes my linen closets, you can always hear him hissing and wandering around in there. I mostly ignore him. He doesn't bother me anymore. He did at first, of course. For a while I devoted most of my energies to figuring out a way to get rid of him. I consulted with my local Wiccan group and we cast a few spells to try and send him back to the great beyond. None of them worked obviously. I don't know why I bother with these Wiccans. They aren't very effective. This same group has been trying to cast spells for the past eight years to get rid of George Bush with no success.

And now I have a different problem. Actually, it's not so much a problem as a weird situation. Now I've got the ghost of Kurt Cobain living in my bedroom. I'm not sure how he got there – it may have been one of those conjuring spells gone wrong – but he doesn't seem too interested in leaving. He just hangs out slouched in the corner, wearing ripped jeans and a flannel shirt with his hair hanging in his face, mumbling and scribbling on the wall. He hates my taste in music and my occasional (once every full moon) cleaning rampages, but other than that we get on well.

4. How's the Jessica Alba stalking thing going?

I'm glad you asked that. I hadn't seen Jessica for a while so I figured she'd given up but then I looked out my window this morning and saw this:

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Dang, it was really chilly out there too and she was wearing nothing but her underwear and an old beat up pair of Ugg boots of mine that I'd thrown in the trash. I was all, "Jessica! Please go home! And put some clothes on before you freeze!"

From next door I heard my neighbor Roy scream, "Nooooo, don't!" I guess he was really enjoying the view.

She hollered back that she reckoned she was going to have to kill me. Mmmmhmmm. And then she showed me the Sling blade she was going to do it with. You know, most people calls it a Kaiser blade, but I call it a Sling blade. Whatever, I don't want it used on me.

Anyway, she's still out there wandering around muttering to herself and spitting water on my ferns. It really sucks because I was planning to go out to lunch. Now I guess I'll have to stay in and eat a peanut butter sandwich or something.

5. Has your mother taken any more classes lately? If not, can she write us a story? I know she quit the Creative Writing class and all, but please????

Well, my mom is in San Diego right now, but I'm sure she'll be happy to write another story when she gets back. Or maybe not. She's been busy with the new guy she's been seeing. She likes him because he takes her to Red Lobster every week. I think his name is Alan but I can't remember for sure. I call him Cowboy-Businessman.

My mom thinks that's rude and maybe it is, but may I point out that he:

1. Wears a cowboy hat and boots.

2. With a 3 piece suit.

3. Is, in fact, a businessman.

Anyway, I don't call him that to his face. I do have some manners! Just not that many.

Okay, that's it.

Shall we keep this meme going? Want me to interview you? (You know you do!) If so, tell me in the comments and make sure I have your email address. But remember, I get to ask the questions and I'm very, very nosy. Also, you are supposed to post the answers on your blog. Them's the rules!


All This Trouble... said...

1. I've been receiving correspondence from Jesus in the mail. would you like me to add your name to the list?

2.I once got a nice lap dance from a girl "named" Precious. She was wearing a little T-shirt with the Pepsi emblem on it, although it said Pussi. I thought that was precious.

3. Try this spell to get rid of Kurt. Shoot up with some real heroin while listening to Pete Townsend on repeat. While you're nodding, Kurt's ghost will be forced to leave in search of some ghostly Horse to ride off into the sunset.

4. Why don't you tell Jessica that Paula Abdul's stalker has resigned and there may be a new position waiting for her there?

5.But does he drive one of those cars with the horn and the steer horns on the front?

I'd rather you be nosy than bossy.


Okay,hit me.:)

Sweet Cheeks said...

I didn't realize Jessica had such a bad drinking problem...frowny face.
NOT! :)

xl said...

Personally pleased to see Tucks apparently overcoming the black mark on his resume. And, of course, best wishes to the bride and groom.

WendyB said...

That Jessica Alba apparition is more terrifying than the Kurt Cobain ghost but less scary than naked Marc Jacobs.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

You are too funny!!!! lol

me said...

Kurt Cobain! Ah... my first love :)

me said...

oh, you may interview me at

until then!

Princess of the Universe said...

That Jessica photo actually kind of freaks me out!

Lulu LaBonne said...

Whooaa - I'm with Sweet Cheeks and rincess on the creepy Jessica Alba. If you're being haunted by Mr Cobain who is the guy in our local bar?

I'd answer 5 of your questions