Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I Need Prescription Drugs and Lots of Them

Sometimes it seems like my life is rushing past me way, way too fast.

- What? You mean I'm this old and I've never been to Brazil? Or Hawaii? How can that be?

Other times it feels like life is very, very ssslllooooowwww and much too long.

- What? You mean I'm going to have to endure another forty of fifty years of this shit?

Just lately I've been experiencing the latter feeling. Probably because it's wintertime and I'm not getting enough sun or something. Tennessee is a beautiful state and December here is lovely in it's own way, but I really don't care much for cold weather.

Of course, for me cold weather is anything under 65 degrees.

That's the main thing I miss about living in southern California. Year round warmth and sunshine.

Well, that and taco trucks. And In-N-Out Burger.

My mom is so lucky to be kicking back enjoying the mild breezes in San Diego right now while I'm freezing my butt off here in Icicleland.

Speaking of my mom, I saw her doppelganger again the other day. There is a lady here in the neighborhood who looks a lot like her. It's really uncanny how much they look alike. I've actually mistaken her for my mother once.

You may recall (or most likely not) a blog post I wrote this summer about the time I spotted this lady while she was taking a stroll down the street and - assuming it was my mom - drove up behind her and yelled, "You'd better shake that ass a little faster, old woman!"

Gah, I'll never forget her shocked look and the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realized she was not who I thought she was. Oy vey! I didn't say anything else, just gunned the car out of there because I was worried she'd call the cops and accuse me of sexual harassment or something.

Since then I've seen this lady twice more, both times while in the middle of embarrassing circumstances. Like, a couple of months ago I was pulling a lamp out of a neighbor's trash can - hey! It was still good and had some pretty details! - I looked up and saw her staring at me as she walked her dog. She immediately turned in the other direction, yanking the dog away from some juicy piece of poop he was sniffing so fast that he yelped and I slunk away with burning cheeks. D'oh!

Then one day not long after that, I was barreling down the street with my windows rolled down and the CD player cranked up, singing along at the top of my lungs with a punk song whose lyrics go like this:

I'm not crazy - in an institution
You're the one who's crazy - in an institution
You're driving me crazy - in an institution

I was really belting it out and banging my head along enjoyably when I noticed her dog - a hard to miss beautiful white Afghan Hound - and sure enough, d'oh, there she was holding the leash and gaping at me with horror.

Anyway, I'm only mentioning this because I saw her yet again today at the grocery store while I was taking pictures of some oranges.

Geez! I cannot catch a break with this broad!

While we eyeballed each other across the fruit isle I considered going up to her, introducing myself and explaining about how she resembles my mother and that was the reason I yelled that stuff about moving her ass, and how I'm not really a weirdo lunatic, I'm just photographing the oranges so that I can add glitter graphics to them and use them in a Sparkletown story for my blog and yadda yadda etc.

I pictured us laughing about it and getting to be great friends and how the next time I saw her out walking I'd holler out, "Ooo girl, shake that money maker!" just to tease her.

That would have been nice, eh? Too bad she raced off before I could get over there.

I sort of felt like chasing after her screaming, "I'm not crazy, really!" but at this point I don't think she'll believe me, do you?

Fuck, when is Spring going to get here?!

Oh, and I decided to delete Saturday's post with the pet ecard. Every time I clicked over those damn cats would start yowling Jingle Bells and it really got on my nerves. It's still a cute thing to email though. Go here if you want to make a Christmas greeting with your pet's (or yours) picture. However, I don't suggest posting it on your blog. Too noisy.


Krissyface said...

we have taco trucks in Astoria.
I never ate at one, they frighten me.

Sounds like you miss your mama, Pru-Pru. She coming home for Christmas?

PS I think you should start stalking that woman for fun. Nothing like a little stalking to chase away the winter blues.

Bill Stankus said...

Here's what you do - buy yourself a taco wagon, drive up to the doppelganger and offer her a couple of free tacos.

Then while she's eat and not running, explain to her you're working on a movie script and you've doing goofy stuff, ya know, getting into the main character. That always works for me.

xl said...

That's it! Bring the stalkee a #3 from In-N-Out Burger! She'll be your friend!

Balou said...

Too funny! Thanks for the laugh this morning! Doppleganger Mom probably needs a little crazy in her life.

Savvy Mode SG said...

you give me a good chuckle this morning. thks... go to hawaii, it's nice and warm this time of the year. : )

Lulu LaBonne said...

I have very bad Face Recognition Technology installed and I'm too vain to wear my glasses much which means I veer between cutting dead people I know and running up yelling at people I don't. Take Krissyface's advice roll with it and stalk her.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I think next time you see her you should approach her and tell her she looks like your mother. Then tell her you have a room with a nice lamp and pictures of oranges that you made up for her so she can stay in there and listen to you sing all day long. And the just stare at her without blinking for a long, long time.

Rebecca said...

Oh how I miss In N Out!!!

Prunella Jones said...

Kriss- heck yes I miss my mother! She's the ultimate housewife. When I'd come home the house would be clean, the laundry folded, and she'd be baking something that smelled deelicious. Now I have to do all that and I pretty much suck at housewifery.

I love your stalking suggestion. I've been looking for a new hobby. Thanks!

Bill - right! I was researching a role. An excellent excuse. I like that, I should use that for everything.

XL- wasn't that one of the gifts of the Magi? Frankincense, Myrrh, and a #3? If not it should have been.

Balou- I am full of curiosity about Doppelganger Mom. All I know about her is that she has Mrs. Brady hair, a beautiful dog, and apparently she's scared of me.

Savvy Mode- I would love to go to Hawaii and lie on the beach! Do you live there? If so can I stay with you?

Lulu- get a pair of sexy Sarah Palinesque librarian glasses. I have a purple pair and let me tell you, they drive the men wild!

Ron- geez, that sounds like my last boyfriend's seduction technique.

Rebecca- their milkshakes rule!

Diane said...

To make you feel better, it was 47 degrees when I left for work.

me said...

you crack me up!

i love evil twins... it's the BEST when you spot one!

and the fact that you keep seeing her... classic.

you may not need a full-blown rx... try some st johns wort or something. hell, i bet you've got some in your cabinet! go check it out :)