I Need Prescription Drugs and Lots of Them

Sometimes it seems like my life is rushing past me way, way too fast.

- What? You mean I'm this old and I've never been to Brazil? Or Hawaii? How can that be?

Other times it feels like life is very, very ssslllooooowwww and much too long.

- What? You mean I'm going to have to endure another forty of fifty years of this shit?


Just lately I've been experiencing the latter feeling. Probably because it's wintertime and I'm not getting enough sun or something. Tennessee is a beautiful state and December here is lovely in it's own way, but I really don't care much for cold weather.

Of course, for me cold weather is anything under 65 degrees.

That's the main thing I miss about living in southern California. Year round warmth and sunshine.

Well, that and taco trucks. And In-N-Out Burger.

My mom is so lucky to be kicking back enjoying the mild breezes in San Diego right now while I'm freezing my butt off here in Icicleland.

Speaking of my mom, I saw her doppelganger again the other day. There is a lady here in the neighborhood who looks a lot like her. It's really uncanny how much they look alike. I've actually mistaken her for my mother once.

You may recall (or most likely not) a blog post I wrote this summer about the time I spotted this lady while she was taking a stroll down the street and - assuming it was my mom - drove up behind her and yelled, "You'd better shake that ass a little faster, old woman!"

Gah, I'll never forget her shocked look and the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realized she was not who I thought she was. Oy vey! I didn't say anything else, just gunned the car out of there because I was worried she'd call the cops and accuse me of sexual harassment or something.

Since then I've seen this lady twice more, both times while in the middle of embarrassing circumstances. Like, a couple of months ago I was pulling a lamp out of a neighbor's trash can - hey! It was still good and had some pretty details! - I looked up and saw her staring at me as she walked her dog. She immediately turned in the other direction, yanking the dog away from some juicy piece of poop he was sniffing so fast that he yelped and I slunk away with burning cheeks. D'oh!

Then one day not long after that, I was barreling down the street with my windows rolled down and the CD player cranked up, singing along at the top of my lungs with a punk song whose lyrics go like this:

I'm not crazy - in an institution
You're the one who's crazy - in an institution
You're driving me crazy - in an institution

I was really belting it out and banging my head along enjoyably when I noticed her dog - a hard to miss beautiful white Afghan Hound - and sure enough, d'oh, there she was holding the leash and gaping at me with horror.

Anyway, I'm only mentioning this because I saw her yet again today at the grocery store while I was taking pictures of some oranges.

Geez! I cannot catch a break with this broad!

While we eyeballed each other across the fruit isle I considered going up to her, introducing myself and explaining about how she resembles my mother and that was the reason I yelled that stuff about moving her ass, and how I'm not really a weirdo lunatic, I'm just photographing the oranges so that I can add glitter graphics to them and use them in a Sparkletown story for my blog and yadda yadda etc.

I pictured us laughing about it and getting to be great friends and how the next time I saw her out walking I'd holler out, "Ooo girl, shake that money maker!" just to tease her.

That would have been nice, eh? Too bad she raced off before I could get over there.

I sort of felt like chasing after her screaming, "I'm not crazy, really!" but at this point I don't think she'll believe me, do you?

Fuck, when is Spring going to get here?!


Oh, and I decided to delete Saturday's post with the pet ecard. Every time I clicked over those damn cats would start yowling Jingle Bells and it really got on my nerves. It's still a cute thing to email though. Go here if you want to make a Christmas greeting with your pet's (or yours) picture. However, I don't suggest posting it on your blog. Too noisy.