Monday, August 06, 2007

THE PRUNELLA JONES STORY starring Mary Kate Olsen

The Prunella Jones Story is the true modern day Cinderella tale of Prunella Jones, the smokin hot freelance writer who overcame both OCD and a deprived childhood in the Inland Empire, by using her incredible body to become a Hollywood IT girl. Mary KAte Olsen stars in this uplifting story of a plucky gal who refused to give up, even after she developed a serious drug/alcohol problem, gambled away her fortune, got dumped by both Johnny Depp and Jake Gyllenhaal, AND lost her alien baby, Ozzie Danzig, to the Scientologists. (see the May 15th episode for clarification)

In today's episode, Pru has just been released from the psychiatric hospital.

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"What are you looking at? You never saw a crazy lady before?"

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"Damn, everything sucks. I have no money and nothing but the clothes on my back and a few ciggies. What am I going to do? I'm not going back to Riverside, hell no! I'll have to find some sort of job."

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Pru: "Well at least I'm skinnier than I've ever been in my life. Oh and look, there's half of an ecstacy tablet left in my purse. Sweet! Just what I needed. Now I feel like dancing!"

Random Guy: "Hey there honey, you look good. How much for a date?"

Pru: "Fuck off, freak!"

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"Oh God, just when I think my life can't get any worse, now I'm being mistaken for a prostitute? Why would he think that? Just because I'm walking the streets in high heels and lingerie? This nightgown cost $500 at La Perla!

(sigh) What am I going to do? It's hopeless! I should just go throw myself off of a bridge!"

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"Hey, Prunella. Don't talk like that, baby."

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"Wow, Joey Ramone? I love you! I'm glad to see you went to heaven, Joey. But what's up with the Dr. Martens boots? Who wears those past high school?

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"Yeah, I know. I prefer Converse myself, but what are ya gonna do? They were issued to me with the robe. Anyhow, I don't wanna hear anymore talk about offin yerself, all right? You just need a job. Promise me you'll take the first job that comes along, okay?"

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"I sure will. Thanks Joey, you rock! Well, how about that? Things are looking up."

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"Excuse me, did I hear you say you were looking for a job? What a coincidence! I happen to have an opening for a personal assistant. What a lucky day for you."

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"Um.....Joey? This wasn't exactly what I had in mind.....Joey?"

Should Pru take the job as Naomi Campbell's personal assistant? Can she avoid getting beaned by Naomi's diamond studded cell phone? Will she be able to maintain a size 00? Find out in the next episode of The Prunella Jones Story


honkeie2 said...

I am in shock that those legs can hold the extra weight of that pack of smokes.

Prunella Jones said...

Honk- well I'm strength training. I put a few lipglosses in my pockets for extra resistance and I added half a teaspoon of skim milk to my coffee today.

Mister Underhill said...

Doc Martins? I'm not sure that's heaven, Joey.

High heels and lingirie should be standard issue garb for all semi attractive women.

BTW, I still think of the 'air harpsichord' comment and get a good laugh from time to time. Tink-a-link-a-link! What could be manlier?

Scottsdale Girl said...

You must learn a different dance than "Put your hands in the air and shake your ass". Because that is soooooo white.

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- high heels and lingerie used to be my uniform during the day but the paramedics asked me to stop. I was causing too many old men to have heart attacks everytime I walked into the grocery store. So, in the interest of keeping my karma clean, I just wear jeans and tee shirts with some poppin lipgloss.

Have you checked out the Air Harpsichord World Championship Contest? I believe it is held anually in Finland. Or maybe I heard about it from a Tom of Finland cartoon? No matter, if Tom drew something about it you know it has to be manly.

SG- I was trying to do The Macarena, but then the X kicked in and I started hallucinating about dead rock stars. You know how it goes.

Mister Underhill said...

Oh boy. Googling tom of finland from work was probably not the best idea. Hyper masculine, indeed!

You'll have to post more pictures of your heartstopping, uh, tattoos.

D.O.M. Dan said...

Good camera angle. A little more to the left and we wouldn't have been able to see you behind the parking meter.

GetFlix said...

Is she going to take the job? What a silly question.

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- sorry about that. I guess Tom of Finland is a bit too manly for work.

I don't think I've ever posted a picture of my tattoo. Not yet anyway.

Dan- are you saying I look fat? You are, aren't you! I know that's what your thinking. Why did I just have that stick of gum? I'm going to go purge now.

GF- while I know the idea of being Naomi Campbell's personal slave makes you tingle, it's not exactly a dream job for the rest of us.

Catherinette Singleton said...

I think there's an Oscar in Mary Kate's future. There has to be!

Scottsdale Girl said...

You did NOT just say Macarena.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Ffleur obviously hasn't seen the peener post on Mr U.

SHe'd drop ded.

Helen said...

Cigarettes and mono are THE best weight watching routine, I don't know why the FDA insists they're both bad for you...

Diane said...

There is no doubt that Joey was the smartest Ramone - best follow his advice

Prunella Jones said...

Catherinette- I hope so. It's hard to believe her work in New York Minute wasn't nominated. What was the academy thinking?

SG- yes, I did say macarena. And I said it with a Spanish accent.

Ffleur is an innocent young girl. Those pics of Mister U's peen might make her spontaneously combust!

Helen- according to a health book I have that was written in 1936, cigarettes are very helpful for relaxation. It recommends a cigarette after dinner to aid with digestion. What could possibly have changed in 71 years?

Diane- not to mention he was the sexiest.

ffleur said...

Peener post by Mister Underhill? where?! where?!

Um, a person can be put back together after spontaneously combusting right?

Good story Pru. Like the mention of Riverside. We have a mental hospital called Riverside in my province too. Is that a standard name now?

morbid misanthrope said...

An entrepreneur would have taken her first steps to financial success by selling that ecstacy half-tab, but we can’t all be such cunning businesspeople. Instead of exposing yourself to abuse from annoying celebrities with unnecessarily bejeweled cell phones, why not just start shanking every random guy who mistakes you for a prostitute? You’d be able to take whatever cash and credit cards they have on them. If you get really lucky, the media will give you a menacing nickname, and when the authorities finally catch you, you’ll get a book deal. Maybe that would even lead to a female-empowering movie on one of those lady channels where all the movies are about women triumphing over rape by having a bunch of abortions.

Mister Underhill said...

it's very true - they are attention whores of the highest caliber.

Hopefully the dropping dead will be figurative *and* in a good way. It's at the bottom of my feb 2006 posts.

anandamide said...

Prue: Take the job, if for no other reason than to let us watch Mary Kate Olson get savagely telephone whipped by Naomi Campbell.

BTW: what made you choose Mary Kate over Ashley? I always liked Ashley better...

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Pru: Take the job. You're obviously a little target, so you'd have less of a chance of Naomi actually getting you with her latest jewel-encrusted communication device. But if she invites Russell Crowe over for dinner watch out. He has better telephone aim.

Mister Underhill said...

Oh, and it just struck me how much mary kate looks like patsy from absolutely fabulous. Actually, I can't tear my eyes off those pictures. Isn't she like 19?

Prunella Jones said...

Ffleur- alas, being put back together after spontaneously combusting is very difficult. There is a well documented case from the 70's of a woman who's hair burst into flames after viewing Burt Reynolds nude Cosmo pictures. Luckily she was able to extinguish the fire by plunging her head into nearby sink full of dish water, but her hair never grew back and she's been forced to wear Zsa Zsa Gabor wigs ever since. How do I know this? That woman is my mom!

It made me laugh to hear that you have a mental hospital named Riverside in Canada. That's very fitting. The Riverside I was referring to is the desert city in So Cal where I spent many a year, and coincidently, it is full of insane people. Bagging on the Inland Empire is sort of hobby for most Californians. But I do it with love!

Morbid- if only I had your ninja skills I might consider this plan. I can see the benefits of becoming the new Aileen Wournos. Interviews, books, and movies about my life would be enjoyable. But I am a pacifist who nearly faints at the sight of blood. Plus I've heard the sheets in prison are very rough and I have delicate skin.

This plan would make a great subject for a manga type comic book BTW. I can just see the big eyed heroine shanking creeps while dressed in her tiny little lingerie.

Mister U- thanks for directing Ffleur to your peen pics. I couldn't remember where they were. But I did start humming I Am the Walrus. Koo koo ka choo!

Anandamide- I just ran across these pictures of MK and liked them. They suggested a story. I like the twins a lot because they are dwarfy billionaires who always look absolutely miserable.

Prunella Jones said...

Mishy- Naomi better watch out! I am wily and vengeful. If she clocks me with a cell phone I will take my revenge upon her weave. Oh yes!

And Russell Crowe doesn't scare me. I could outrun that doughboy anyday.

Mister U- I'm seeing the Patsy a bit. And those legs kill me. She manages to look like a kid playing dress up in mommy's heels and a little old lady at the same time.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Aye Carumba.

I'm waiting for Ffleur...

ffleur said...


very nice Mister U. I'd give it a lick & maybe a kiss.

Mister Underhill said...

I never thought showing my penis off would make me more popular to be honest. Maybe that is how I need to find women - go into a bar and drop my pance and hope I don't get arrested.


This had better not be a joke- where are the free willy pics?
Great post Pru..You look fab for 250! What moisturizer do you use?

The Duchess said...

I can't wait to see what happens!!!
I think she should take the job...

Prunella Jones said...

SG- I too was curious to hear what Ffleur would say.

Ffleur- why you little slut!

Mister U- does this mean you are going to start wearing raincoats without pants?

Ubermouth- go to February 2006 at Mister U's site and scroll down to the end to see his wang. Or else wait for his eventual Playgirl centerfold.

Thank you for the compliment. I take care of my skin. I used to bathe in the blood of virgins but they are really hard to find nowadays, so I just botox like everyone else.

Duchess- NAomi can't be any worse of a boss than Big Earl, can she?

ffleur said...

Excuse me - I prefer the term trollop!

Betty Boob Hug said...

Haha, this was awesome. You clever girl.

Prunella Jones said...

Ffleur- I like harlot, because it sounds so biblical. And my mom preferred the term tramp, as in: that outfit makes you look like a tramp!How about we compromise and just call you a scarlet woman?

Betty Boob Hug - I am intrigued by your name. Are you by any chance an exotic dancer? There is a girl at work who calls herself Betty Big Ones, and let me tell you she is not lying.

Captain Smack said...

I love it that the Google Ad above your story reads "Get rid of lice instantly".

Prunella Jones said...

What else would you expect to see advertised on such a classy blog?