I have a confession to make. As much as I enjoy cracking on the Firecrotch, I've never actually seen a Lindsay Lohan film. Nope, not even Mean Girls. But I enjoy a good stripper movie, so I thought I'd check out Lindsay's new offering. It's supposed to be about a girl who gets kidnapped by a serial killer, and then thinks she's her own twin sister who might be a stripper. At least that's the impression I got from the trailer. I've been hearing that it is so awful, it's actually good in a "Showgirls" kind of way. I wouldn't waste my money going to the theater to see it though, it's really easy to find online. Here are my notes.
Minute 3:00 -- It starts with Lindsay sliding around a stripper pole in slow motion. She's not naked.
3:23 -- Lindsay is a high school student named Aubrey. She has the raspy, cigarette voice of a 50 year old truck stop waitress.
5:08 -- Her piano teacher looks a bit like Elton John. He's wearing a big blue ring.
6:07 --She has a hairless cat, just like Dr. Evil. What are those cats called?
6:31 -- I'm bored.
7:32 -- Pricks finger on a blue rose. Ooo scary music.
7:56 -- Annoying, raspy scream.
11:35 -- Some boring stuff happens at a school. Then there is shot of Lindsay getting out of a car in tight clothes making eyes at a gardner. He takes off his shirt and gives her a come-hither stare. She gives him the finger. Oh boy, I guess this is who they want us to think is the killer?
12:00 -- Now she's at a football game. For some reason, this scene is suddenly in black and white with touches of bright blue everywhere. WTF?
14:00 -- There is some dialog about a serial killer on the loose. I didn't really catch it all since I was busy returning emails.
15:00 -- Oh noes! Aubrey is missing! There is a blue rose in her car. What's up with all the blue?
16:00 -- She's tied up with a blue gag over her mouth. Blue latex gloves hold her face. Blue torture instruments on a table. This blue crap is really starting to get on my nerves.
18:00 -- God, now the cops are wearing bright blue latex gloves. Enough already with the blue!
20ish minutes -- A gross torture scene. Yuck. I'm not watching that. I go make myself some toast.
28:00 -- Aubrey has been found! She's in the hospital missing a hand and a leg. Oh and she thinks her name is Dakota Moss. And she's a tough little cookie who was raised by a crack addict mom. You can tell she's tough because she says "fuck" a lot. And she refers to policemen as "fuzz." Do the kids still say fuzz? I thought that was a term from the 70's, last heard on episodes of "Chico and the Man."
33:00 -- Julia Ormand is playing Lindsay's mom. What? She looks more like Lindsay's younger sister.
38:00 -- Dakota is having a flashback to her stripping days. Lot's of slow motion shots of her wiggling her ass around a pole. Apparently she is the only stripper in the club who is allowed to keep her clothes on.
45:00 -- Blah, blah, dialog. I read a few blogs. When I looked up, there was a picture of Lindsay on the screen with the word "delusional" scrawled across it. Finally, something in this movie makes sense.
52:00 -- A very unhot sex scene. Dakota is fucking Aubrey's boyfriend. She now has a robotic arm? How did I miss that? Oh yeah, because this movie is so dull I'm practically falling asleep.
1 hr. -- Finally something cool! Art Bell has a cameo. I used to love his radio show. He looks exactly as I pictured him, kind of like a weirder Stephen King.
There is a shot of wilting blue flowers and running water over dramatic music. This is like a poorly done Lifetime movie. Why is Lindsay considered a good actress? She's so boring to watch. Melissa Gilbert would've sold it.
1 hr 15ish minutes -- Lindsay confronts the killer. She kills him with something. I think it's her bionic fake arm. Then she starts digging a hole. Is it a grave? No, it's......wait, WHAT?
THE END flashes on the screen.
This is possibly the dumbest, most boring movie I've ever seen. "Ernest Goes to Camp" had a better plot, not to mention a sexier star. I may have lost brain cells from watching this and it's not like I have a lot to spare, you know? I'm not going to link this piece of crap. If you want an interesting movie to watch check out Loose Change a film which asks a lot of tough questions about what really happened on 9/11. You may not like the information that is presented, but it will definitely give you something to think about.