Thursday, August 02, 2007

I Know Who Killed Me: A Review

I have a confession to make. As much as I enjoy cracking on the Firecrotch, I've never actually seen a Lindsay Lohan film. Nope, not even Mean Girls. But I enjoy a good stripper movie, so I thought I'd check out Lindsay's new offering. It's supposed to be about a girl who gets kidnapped by a serial killer, and then thinks she's her own twin sister who might be a stripper. At least that's the impression I got from the trailer. I've been hearing that it is so awful, it's actually good in a "Showgirls" kind of way. I wouldn't waste my money going to the theater to see it though, it's really easy to find online. Here are my notes.

Minute 3:00 -- It starts with Lindsay sliding around a stripper pole in slow motion. She's not naked.

3:23 -- Lindsay is a high school student named Aubrey. She has the raspy, cigarette voice of a 50 year old truck stop waitress.

5:08 -- Her piano teacher looks a bit like Elton John. He's wearing a big blue ring.

6:07 --She has a hairless cat, just like Dr. Evil. What are those cats called?

6:31 -- I'm bored.

7:32 -- Pricks finger on a blue rose. Ooo scary music.

7:56 -- Annoying, raspy scream.

11:35 -- Some boring stuff happens at a school. Then there is shot of Lindsay getting out of a car in tight clothes making eyes at a gardner. He takes off his shirt and gives her a come-hither stare. She gives him the finger. Oh boy, I guess this is who they want us to think is the killer?

12:00 -- Now she's at a football game. For some reason, this scene is suddenly in black and white with touches of bright blue everywhere. WTF?

14:00 -- There is some dialog about a serial killer on the loose. I didn't really catch it all since I was busy returning emails.

15:00 -- Oh noes! Aubrey is missing! There is a blue rose in her car. What's up with all the blue?

16:00 -- She's tied up with a blue gag over her mouth. Blue latex gloves hold her face. Blue torture instruments on a table. This blue crap is really starting to get on my nerves.

18:00 -- God, now the cops are wearing bright blue latex gloves. Enough already with the blue!

20ish minutes -- A gross torture scene. Yuck. I'm not watching that. I go make myself some toast.

28:00 -- Aubrey has been found! She's in the hospital missing a hand and a leg. Oh and she thinks her name is Dakota Moss. And she's a tough little cookie who was raised by a crack addict mom. You can tell she's tough because she says "fuck" a lot. And she refers to policemen as "fuzz." Do the kids still say fuzz? I thought that was a term from the 70's, last heard on episodes of "Chico and the Man."

33:00 -- Julia Ormand is playing Lindsay's mom. What? She looks more like Lindsay's younger sister.

38:00 -- Dakota is having a flashback to her stripping days. Lot's of slow motion shots of her wiggling her ass around a pole. Apparently she is the only stripper in the club who is allowed to keep her clothes on.

45:00 -- Blah, blah, dialog. I read a few blogs. When I looked up, there was a picture of Lindsay on the screen with the word "delusional" scrawled across it. Finally, something in this movie makes sense.

52:00 -- A very unhot sex scene. Dakota is fucking Aubrey's boyfriend. She now has a robotic arm? How did I miss that? Oh yeah, because this movie is so dull I'm practically falling asleep.

1 hr. -- Finally something cool! Art Bell has a cameo. I used to love his radio show. He looks exactly as I pictured him, kind of like a weirder Stephen King.

There is a shot of wilting blue flowers and running water over dramatic music. This is like a poorly done Lifetime movie. Why is Lindsay considered a good actress? She's so boring to watch. Melissa Gilbert would've sold it.

1 hr 15ish minutes -- Lindsay confronts the killer. She kills him with something. I think it's her bionic fake arm. Then she starts digging a hole. Is it a grave? No, it's......wait, WHAT?

THE END flashes on the screen.

This is possibly the dumbest, most boring movie I've ever seen. "Ernest Goes to Camp" had a better plot, not to mention a sexier star. I may have lost brain cells from watching this and it's not like I have a lot to spare, you know? I'm not going to link this piece of crap. If you want an interesting movie to watch check out Loose Change a film which asks a lot of tough questions about what really happened on 9/11. You may not like the information that is presented, but it will definitely give you something to think about.


Mister Underhill said...

So there's no cumshot?

Man, I read through that whole review. Well, at least I don't have to watch it now.

Diane said...

Prunella doing God's work and saving the rest of the world from watching a piece o' crap.

On Loose Change - I read The Looming Towers, which is well researched and proves just how much information the CIA, FBI and NSA had in advance of 9/11

Scottsdale Girl said...

LOL @ Underhill.

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- no, but you do get to see Lindsay's O face. It sort of looks like she's having gas pains.

Diane- yes, I had a vision last night. A burning bush appeared and said that I could atone for my sinning ways by warning people off of this movie. It also told me to build an ark, but I don't know how to do that.

I'm obsessed with 9/11 right now. It's frightening to realize just how badly we have been lied to.

SG- he's cute, isn't he? But don't go getting any ideas. Mister U is my love slave. In fact, what are you doing online, Mister U? Put your black leather face mask back on and get back to painting my toenails!

Mister Underhill said...

I need to rest before I can shoot out anohter batch of, uh, 'toenail paint' ;)

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- I am soooo going to punish you!

M-M-M-Mishy said...

"Apparently she is the only stripper in the club who is allowed to keep her clothes on." Or, she's just too fucked up on redbull and vodka to figure out how to undo her bra...

Bottom line: what are the chances for LL's Oscar this year? said...

I'm not sorry to see Lindsay's career ending. I mean, it IS ending, right?

Prunella Jones said...

Mish- at this point I'm thinking Jessica Simpson has a better shot at an oscar. Her dad did say he'd buy her one, right?

Oh and BTW, Mish, how come you weren't at our lesbian gang meeting last night? You'd better have a good excuse! How are we supposed to pistol whip Bill O'Reilly without you there to help? I'm not pulling his pants down, you are going to have to do it.

Brenda- I don't know if it's ending. I think she will have great success starring in the next episode of "The Prunella Jones Story." And she's got at least one season of The Surreal Life ahead of her.

Helen said...

Haha, the Prunella Jones story, (shakes head laughing in a you-crazy-girl kind of way)
Now would that be a blockbuster or the ubiquitous made for TV movie?

I'm thinking the road trip scene would make for a lot of great candids for the trailers and marketing images.

The Duchess said...

Thanks for the summary- I was actually considering seeing that movie, despite Lindsay.
Is it really that short? Perhaps they should charge less in theatres...

LA said...

Pru - You deserve a purple heart or something for taking the bullet for the rest of us. Thanks to you, I'm still a Blohan film virgin and intend to stay that way.

Prunella Jones said...

Helen- "The Prunella Jones Story" is the only semi-regular feature on my blog. I believe the last episode was in May if you want to check it out in the archive. Lindsay did a great job starring as me.

Duchess- It was a bit less than 90 minutes, I believe. Please don't waste your money on this trash. Watch it online and let me know what you think.

LA- wasn't there some talk about LL starring as Stevie Nicks in a movie about the Mac? I swear I read that somewhere. What would you do then? Might I suggest that we get the Pink Pistols together and stomp her ass good with some cha cha heels?

anandamide said...

Thanks so much for suffering so we don't have to.

So in the end, it's not "funny-campy bad" just "bad-bad"?

GetFlix said...

It's no Showgirls. (Really funny post, Pru!!)

Prunella Jones said...

Anandamide- I'd say it was shitty-bad.

That's one smooth avi, baby.

Prunella Jones said...

Thanks, GF. You're very right that it is no Showgirls. But I was thinking that you could make a drinking game to IKWKM where you would have to drink everytime Lindsay says "fuck." You could get very hammered that way, which would probably make the movie more enjoyable.

Helen said...

Oh God, you're too fucking hilarious, I guess I only jumped on the Pru-Get-High-Be-Happy-Love-Hate-Spiders-and-Bunnies wagon since June.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Oh shit. The meeting was last night? I really have to stop drinking until I pass out... I miss all my appointments!

D.O.M. Dan said...

Thanks for the review. Far more entertaining than Mr. Movie Phone.

Also, thanks for the reminder -

"20ish minutes -- A gross torture scene. Yuck. I'm not watching that. I go make myself some toast." -

I love me some toast, and if I wasn't hard at work reading blogs, I'd make me some toast.

Mister Underhill said...

I can't wait til Lohan is forced into porn by a sagging career. the Rider of Hohan, a lord of the rings takeoff. I can see it now. Actually, I have a script and backing, all i gotta do is get her to spend the rest of her money on coke...which shouldn't be hard.

LA said...

I'm thinking Lindsay is going to say she's not really using drugs for herself, she's simply researching her role as Stevie Nicks.

Actually, it was Lilo who was spreading that rumor about playing Stevie, but Stevie put the kabosh on that crap. And yes, I'd go pink pistol on her ass to keep it from happening.

Prunella Jones said...

Helen- Maybe I will do another episode of The Prunella Jones Story soon. But as it chronicals the doomed love triangle between myself, Johnny Depp and Jake Gyllenhaal, they are a bit heartbreaking to write. (sob)

Mish- it's okay, Mish, but don't forget about Mondays meeting. We are voting on the new uniforms and I need you there to make sure that pink hotpants win.

DAn- here is my favorite recipe for toast, I call it "Heated Anti-Anorexia Bread"

Toast some bread
Slather with butter
Slather with peanut butter
Check thighs in the mirror

There you go. Don't forget that last step.

Mister U- I will keep an eye out for that DVD. It should be out by, what, Christmas?

LA- that was actually a brilliant idea on Lindsay's part. I bet that's why the assistant quit. LL was trying to get her to help re-enact the cocaine up the bum rumor.

Sudiegirl said...

OK Pru - where did you find IKWKM online? I looked on TV Links and didn't find it.

Give us a li'l bit of linky love, eh? I gotta see this crap for myself.

Prunella Jones said...

Try That's where I got the link.

morbid misanthrope said...
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morbid misanthrope said...
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morbid misanthrope said...

Of course that movie isn't as good as Ernest Goes to Camp--that's one of the best movies ever made in the history of film. Parachuting turtles that bite the bad guys: Lohan couldn't compete with that even if she had three cybernetic arms.

Loose Change is a bunch of bad--and provably false--information poorly compiled by a few retards with poor editing skills and too much time on their hands.

Prunella Jones said...

You're right about Ernest. That lovable Jim Varney never made a bad movie in his life, bless his heart.

I did check out the site you recommended. Like Bill O'Reilly, I am all about being fair and balanced.

ffleur said...


Don't you realize by not buying a ticket you are depriving the Lohan family (mom & 2 minors) of an income? Don't you know Lindsay supports her whole family?

Ok, I really don't care. Mom Lohan - get a job.

Very funny review and thanks for introducing the sexy & wicked Mister Underhill. I went and checked his profile. Tres good looking. I'm in lust.

Prunella Jones said...

Ffleur- don't worry, Daddy Lohan is out of jail now. He'll take care of them all. Well, maybe not.

And don't go getting any ideas, you naughty little wench. Mister U is mine! We met one night down at the club. He said, "Girl, whatcha gonna do with all that junk inside your trunk?" And I told him, "I'm gonna get you love drunk with my hump." Since then he's been spendin all his money on me. And spendin time on me.

Mister Underhill said...

So when are we having a threeway??

When you said 'lindsay lohan post' I was like...uh, aren't they all?

But in a good way!

Prunella Jones said...

Do you mean a three way discussion on the occult symbolism in the book Gravity's Rainbow? I don't do that with just anyone you know.

And my posts are not all about Lindsay. They are mostly about Britney. Hey, I try to ignore those silly girls but then they outdo each other trying to get me to notice them again.