Monday, August 20, 2007

A Night in Heaven, A Morning in Hell

What can I say about this past week? It was dull and quiet. I was unable to work since Britinia messed up my knee during her poolside attack. The bitch! I sent her my medical bills and a note suggesting that she pay them. Well actually, here is what the note said:

"Pay up, you bald headed bitch, or I'll let Earl's wife know exactly how you got that job!"

She sent me back this picture.

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God, I hate her!

Anyway, like I was saying, it was a dull week. I gimped around on my crutches and watched daytime TV with Tucksworth. Tucks has become very mellow ever since he turned into a pothead. I think watching the Dr. Phil show has helped him as well. He's much more tolerant about letting me play my Grateful Dead CDs, and even lets me listen to Radiohead without breaking dishes or flinging poo. We are getting along so well now, I'm really glad that Delmont didn't take him.

It's nice to laze around sometimes, but by Saturday nite I was thoroughly bored. So when my friends Tequila and Venus invited me to go to a country and western bar with them, I said yes immediately, even though I mostly hate country music. But what are you going to do, I live in Nashville for pete's sake.

So we made ourselves beautiful and headed out to the club. It was packed with the usual mix of true fans and ironic hipsters. The opening band was very Hee-Hawish. I spent most of their set knocking back Mojitos and chatting with the bartender. I was beginning to wish I hadn't bothered coming when it happened: HE sauntered on to the stage and I fell in lust.

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One fine piece of man meat. Doesn't he look like a zombified Elvis? As you may know, I spend a lot of time thinking about zombies.

The emcee introduced him as "Unknown Hinson, the King of Country and Western Troubadors" and from the top of his chart toppin' hair to the bottom of his suede shoes, he was very majestic indeed. I felt myself flush all over when he looked me right in the eye and started playing a song called, "Satan in a Thong." By the time he started on the next one, "Fish Camp Woman," I knew I had to have him.

You see, I kinda have this thing for musicians. The thing being that they make me want to get naked. Although I usually prefer the kind that look like Chris Cornell, have no money, and unrealistic musical aspirations. Still, Unknown's talent (not to mention those sideburns and Dracula fangs) drove me wild.

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Here's a picture of my friend Tequila with Unknown. She was really pissed off when he went home with me instead of her.

I had a great time with him. We drank some party liquor and he told me about his youth as a sword swallower in traveling carnival. I told him about juggling fire in my pole dancing act, and the next thing I knew he was removing my dress with his tongue.

Oh what a night! I woke up before sunrise, dehydrated but happy, and started writing the delicious details in my diary. Here is what I wrote:

Dear Diary,

I think I finally know what it means to be a woman now. Nothing, not even the magical ten minutes I spent with Glen Danzig in the back of his tour bus, can top this experience. Unknown was a testosterone-crazed beast! I loved the way he....."

But just then I heard a crashing noise very close by. It sounded like it was coming from my driveway. Alarmed, I ran to window and peered out. I could not believe what I saw. Thank goodness I remembered to take pictures for evidence.

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Britinia, pounding the crap out of my car with an umbrella.

"What the hell are you doing, Britinia?" I screamed. "Are you insane? Have you gone completely out of your tiny mind?"

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Crazy people are strong.

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How would you like to see this in your driveway at 5 A.M.?

"That's what you get for ripping my hair off!" she hollared. "And I ain't paying no doctor bills for you. I'ma send you back to that doctor if'n you dare breathe a word to Earl's wife, do you hear me?"

Then my neighbor stuck his head out of the window and piped up, "Christ lady, you've got more mouth than a cows got teets! Shut up, already!"

Britinia turned her rage on him. "You shut your hole, MEATHOLE!" she screamed, and threw the umbrella she'd been using to beat my car at his window. It hit smack in the center and knocked his screen off. She finally left after I told her the cops were on their way.

So now my car is dented and scratched, my neighbors are pissed off, and I probably need to see about getting a restraining order. But at least Saturday night was fun. How was your weekend?

*And if you've never heard of Unknown Hinson (and not enough people have) please check out this video. The guy can tear it up!


anandamide said...

wait....Danzig ??!!?? That's incredible !!! Did his head twist around in the throes of passion?

Mister Underhill said...

I am so jellus. I knew I should have stuck with my dreams of stardom. That hippie guidance counselor who gave me a blowjob in highschool was right.

My sister looks exactly like tequila, btw. Well, she did before she gained like 200 pounds after getting married and having three kids, and then lost all the weight and has too much loose skin dangling around her ankles.

I am worried about Mr. Muggles. He has been using my prescription pad to do strange and evil things to himself.

10 minutes does not seem like a lot, but one danzig minute equals about 20 normal human minutes. I'm astounded you lasted so long.

Prunella Jones said...

anandamide- I seem to remember chicken blood being involved.

Mister U- I know what you mean. I'm annoyed that Hollywood celebrity was not given to me as an option back in high school. WTF? I could have gotten boob job and fake tan and been Pan Anderson. Why did I bother going to college?

Your sister and Mr. Muggles listen to some Unknown Hinson. His croonin' can fix whatever is wrong. Oh yeah!

Ten Danzig minutes nearly killed me, plus all that stooping down so he could kiss me was hard on my back.

Diane said...

Hinson plays a mean guitar

Beefcake Almighty said...

Unknown Hinson is actually my Uncle Freddy in drag.

Sudiegirl said...

My - i can honestly say that because of your taste in men, anyone I choose to date is real safe.

So how many boxes of Cap'n Crunch did this guy have to eat to have that lovely smile? hehehehehe

I'm glad ol' Tucksworth has found his mellow groove.

Prunella Jones said...

Diane- he shreds! And he's a total showman.

beefcake- your uncle is a 400 year old hillybilly vampire? Cool. I'd like to see one of your family reunions.

Sudie- I do have eclectic tastes in many things.

I'd say 2 boxes of Capn' Crunch would be enough to do it.

Tucks has started wearing tie dye.

Mister Underhill said...

You can turn your back on a monkey, but never turn your back on a drug.

I had not thought of the height difference between you and mister danzig. What is the deal with these freakishly muscled midgets I see walking around from time to time? The only thing that could be creepier would be freakishly muscled midget clowns. I'll know I'm finally having that psychotic episode that's been building up all these years when that happens.

At least it wasn't Henry Rollins: I'll take a satanist over a messianic freak any day of the week.

Helen said...

Great weekend, Pru, and I can see how Mr. U. Hinson got your garters off, damn, he knoooows his guitar... and that thump...

Jenster said...

He sure knows how to play the blues. I all of a sudden have a craving for catfish and hush puppies.

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- how about freakishly muscled mimes?

Henry Rollins is so intense he scares me.

Helen- who could resist that face?

Jenster- me too!

GetFlix said...

He is unknown no more!! Thanks for sharing. said...

Be careful with that Danzing fellow. He has a double album of "lost tracks" coming out. How the hell do you lose that many tracks?

Mister Underhill said...

It's easy when they all suck.

The intense gaze of Henry Rollins could boil water. I can't imagine what it would do to the bottom of a woman's vagina.

Prunella Jones said...

GF- your welcome.

Brenda- once you've had Danzig everything pales in comparison.

Mister U- dry it up like the Sahara?


You are the queen of comedy..........BITCH!

LA said...

Rollins is HOT SEX ON LEGS, ya hear?

Prunella Jones said...

Ubermouth- don't hate me for my humor.... hate me because I'm thin.

PS did you ever look up Shirley Manson? I think she is smokin hot.

LA- sorry, sorry.

Bent Fabric said...

OMG! I cannot stop laughing.

Memphis Steve said...

I don't know what part of TN you're in, but I clearly need to start hanging out with you. Beale Street brawls and drunken pickup-lines on the rooftop of the Peabody just can't comare to this.

morbid misanthrope said...

I think that Hinson guy does the voice for the main character on Adult Swim's The Squidbillies. Thankfully his musical abilities are much better than that show.

I used to be a musician myself, but I realized I wasn't cut out for it when I wanted to go to college, get a job, and buy a house instead of asking random people "Hey, dude, can I crash on your couch for, like, a month?”

Prunella Jones said...

Bent Fabric- sweet!

Memphis Steve- I went to Memphis once. yeah, I can see why you'd be looking for a new place to hang out. The bar-b-que was good though.

MOrbid- I've never seen the show myself, but you are right, he does do that voice.

You made a wise choice to eschew music in favor of home ownership. Hey, maybe Hinson and I can come stay with you sometime? Just until we raise enough money to get our stuff back from the pawn shop.