A Night in Heaven, A Morning in Hell

What can I say about this past week? It was dull and quiet. I was unable to work since Britinia messed up my knee during her poolside attack. The bitch! I sent her my medical bills and a note suggesting that she pay them. Well actually, here is what the note said:

"Pay up, you bald headed bitch, or I'll let Earl's wife know exactly how you got that job!"


She sent me back this picture.



God, I hate her!

Anyway, like I was saying, it was a dull week. I gimped around on my crutches and watched daytime TV with Tucksworth. Tucks has become very mellow ever since he turned into a pothead. I think watching the Dr. Phil show has helped him as well. He's much more tolerant about letting me play my Grateful Dead CDs, and even lets me listen to Radiohead without breaking dishes or flinging poo. We are getting along so well now, I'm really glad that Delmont didn't take him.

It's nice to laze around sometimes, but by Saturday nite I was thoroughly bored. So when my friends Tequila and Venus invited me to go to a country and western bar with them, I said yes immediately, even though I mostly hate country music. But what are you going to do, I live in Nashville for pete's sake.

So we made ourselves beautiful and headed out to the club. It was packed with the usual mix of true fans and ironic hipsters. The opening band was very Hee-Hawish. I spent most of their set knocking back Mojitos and chatting with the bartender. I was beginning to wish I hadn't bothered coming when it happened: HE sauntered on to the stage and I fell in lust.




One fine piece of man meat. Doesn't he look like a zombified Elvis? As you may know, I spend a lot of time thinking about zombies.


The emcee introduced him as "Unknown Hinson, the King of Country and Western Troubadors" and from the top of his chart toppin' hair to the bottom of his suede shoes, he was very majestic indeed. I felt myself flush all over when he looked me right in the eye and started playing a song called, "Satan in a Thong." By the time he started on the next one, "Fish Camp Woman," I knew I had to have him.

You see, I kinda have this thing for musicians. The thing being that they make me want to get naked. Although I usually prefer the kind that look like Chris Cornell, have no money, and unrealistic musical aspirations. Still, Unknown's talent (not to mention those sideburns and Dracula fangs) drove me wild.




Here's a picture of my friend Tequila with Unknown. She was really pissed off when he went home with me instead of her.



I had a great time with him. We drank some party liquor and he told me about his youth as a sword swallower in traveling carnival. I told him about juggling fire in my pole dancing act, and the next thing I knew he was removing my dress with his tongue.

Oh what a night! I woke up before sunrise, dehydrated but happy, and started writing the delicious details in my diary. Here is what I wrote:

Dear Diary,

I think I finally know what it means to be a woman now. Nothing, not even the magical ten minutes I spent with Glen Danzig in the back of his tour bus, can top this experience. Unknown was a testosterone-crazed beast! I loved the way he....."


But just then I heard a crashing noise very close by. It sounded like it was coming from my driveway. Alarmed, I ran to window and peered out. I could not believe what I saw. Thank goodness I remembered to take pictures for evidence.




Britinia, pounding the crap out of my car with an umbrella.


"What the hell are you doing, Britinia?" I screamed. "Are you insane? Have you gone completely out of your tiny mind?"




Crazy people are strong.




How would you like to see this in your driveway at 5 A.M.?


"That's what you get for ripping my hair off!" she hollared. "And I ain't paying no doctor bills for you. I'ma send you back to that doctor if'n you dare breathe a word to Earl's wife, do you hear me?"

Then my neighbor stuck his head out of the window and piped up, "Christ lady, you've got more mouth than a cows got teets! Shut up, already!"

Britinia turned her rage on him. "You shut your hole, MEATHOLE!" she screamed, and threw the umbrella she'd been using to beat my car at his window. It hit smack in the center and knocked his screen off. She finally left after I told her the cops were on their way.

So now my car is dented and scratched, my neighbors are pissed off, and I probably need to see about getting a restraining order. But at least Saturday night was fun. How was your weekend?





*And if you've never heard of Unknown Hinson (and not enough people have) please check out this video. The guy can tear it up!