6 A.M.
Rise and shine! I am up with the sun. Mostly because that's when my animals start howling for their food. Except for Tucksworth, of course. He never gets up before noon. This is my new rat, Schnozo 2. He has a very delicate stomach so I must feed him with a sippy cup. Schnozo 1 wasn't this picky, which is probably the reason he is no longer with us. He chewed through the toaster's electrical cord which schmelted him to the counter. Does anyone know how to get the smell of fried rat out of a kitchen? I've tried everything.
10:30 A.M.
Well thanks to my little run in with Britinia the other day, my knee is completely messed up. I can't work, and have to hobble around on crutches for a week. It's really pissing me off! I think I'll pray about it. Dear Jesus, why did you let Britinia wreck my knee? It's not fair! Please make ten pounds of cellulite appear on her ass. And also, could you kill that asshole doctor who refused to write me a prescription for Oxycontin like I asked, but gave me Motrin instead? You can't get high from Motrin!! Oh and I'd really, really like it if you could please smite all those bastards at my insurance company as well. $500 deductable, my ass! Thank you, Lord, amen. PS - thank you for making me a hottie.
3:15 P.M.
I really hate it when my internet connection goes down. How much longer am I going to have to wait to get on-line? I've already called the cable company three times and I keep getting the same message that they are "working on it." Liars! What did I do with my time before I got that Geek Squad guy to slip me a free computer and started blogging? Oh yeah, I watched Jerry Springer. Where's the remote?
7:45 P.M.
That's a good girl, Shirley! Go do your poopy on the neighbor's lawn. Right by the front door so he can see it and possibly step in it first thing, when he leaves in the morning. That's right.....good girl! Mommy is going to cook you up some homemade dog biscuits right after I finish watching Josie and the Pussycats on TV Links.
10 P.M.
Time for bed. What a long, boring day, but at least I looked fabulous as always. Wow, I'm really loving this new Creme de la Mer firming night cream. It was expensive but worth it. It's really firming my skin right up!.....but....wait a minute, it's too firm. I can't move my face......not even to blink! Did Tucksworth put Superglue in my face cream again? I'm going to kill that monkey!!!!!
30 comments:
"PS - thank you for making me a hottie."
I will have to add this to all future prayers.
You have to love the completely lifeless expression on her face at all times. She's obviously a method actor who played a zombie a few films back and found out too late lobotomies are irreversable.
I'm becoming addicted to your blog now, I think! At least I shouldn't have to beat anyone up to read it though! :)
Mister U- I believe it's good to thank the Lord for his blessings every once in awhile so he'll be more likely to answer your prayers. Especially when you are asking him to smite people.
Maybe she had too much Botox?
MJ- and my blog doesn't rot your teeth! It may lower your IQ several points though.
'round here we consider fried rat a delicacy so i don't know why you'd want to remove the smell from your kitchen...
Rats are strictly a stew staple in any polite household, anadaman.
re: Fried rat smell - Try Goo Gone.
http://www.magicamerican.com/products_gg.aspx
I would think you would be more concerned with the smell of fishsticks.
You mean that isn't really you???
But it's exactly how I envisioned you!? :)
I had pet rats, too. Unfortunately, they always seemed to get these terrible tumors that would make them rip their faces off in the middle of the night. For the sake of full disclosure, I should probably mention at about the same time my rats were being mutilated, I was going through a sleepwalking phase. I don’t think there’s a connection there, but the doctors are leaning in that direction. They’re so negative, the bastards.
Anyway, there’s an old Chinese proverb about a kitchen that smells of fried rat: “If kitchen smell like fry rat, fry bigger rodent. Kitchen no longer smell like fry rat anymore.” I think deep frying a capybara in peanut oil (peanut oil has a high smoke point) should do the trick. Sometimes capybara are hard to find, but a nutria ought to make a decent substitution. I would suggest frying Britney Sue, but she would probably smell a lot worse than fried rat.
Mz Pru, you write divinely. I love the part about making Shirley poop on the neighbor's lawn. You could rent her out for when anyone wants to send a "stink-o-gram".
I look at these pics of Gwyn and I hear the song "church of the poison mind" in my head. I've tried to think of what her horrendous "look" reminds me of, and all I can come up with is some vague 60ish/70ish "Go Ask Alice" type movie. A tv-moive that comes on way too late at night about a moronic california teen with long blond hair who overdoses, but first records every horrible life experience in her diary. You get the idea?
I think this is Gwynnie's homage to Peggy Lipton in the Mod Squad.
Last winter I had a bit of a rodent problem that was resolved with the help of my Victronix Electric Rat Trap. With electrocuted rats, at least, the smell doesn't stay around that long
Anandamide- where exactly are you from?
Mister U- I've never stewed a rat before, but back home in Riverside I had a neighbor who stewed a possum. I'm not sure if he got it from hunting or scraped it off the side of the road, but while it was cooking the neighborhood smelled as if a septic tank exploded. I think one guy even called the city.
LA- sounds like it would do the trick.
GF- fishsticks? I'm a vegetarian. (sniff)
Duchess- well I hate to admit this but I do actually resemble Gwyn quite a bit. We are both tall, blonde hippie chicks. Of course I have teh boobies that Gywn could only dream of.
Morbid- wow, that sleepwalking thing sounds pretty bad but I can't see how it could be relate to your rats being mutilated. I bet the moon was just in Jupiter or something. According to my astrology book, that's when lots of unexplainable phenomenon tend to occur.
The Chinese are a wise people, and that sounds like a good idea but I've had bad experiences with trying to fry things. I once tried to deep fry a turkey after seeing watching Emeril do it on Food Network. I'm not sure what went wrong, but quicker than you can say "BAM" the entire neighborhood went up in flames. It's actually the reason I had to move to Tennessee. I'm hiding from the lawsuits.
Ffleur- Shirley is a good dog. She is always ready to poop on someone's lawn for me whenever I'm feeling vengeful.
You are so right about this "Go Ask Alice" fashion spread! Very cool. At last I know how to dress while feeding my head.
Diane- Oh I remember you blogging about that. How did that rat trap work? Like a bug zapper?
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Goddamned Emeril!
Morbid- yeah, really. Screw Essence! It's just MSG. I prefer Melange myself.
Dang, Pru, you is hawt! I also like that picture above your bed.
Pru is indeed very very hot. Smokin' hot, aren't you Contestant 8?
Rats are wonderful pets and the people who have them are not weirdos.
I lovedd you much better as an O.A.P gun toter. :)
Capt- why thankee kindly, good sir. I have a picture of Elvis on the other wall.
Miss Smack- that contest was loads of fun. Trying to figure out who was who made me giggle quite a bit. Thanks for doing it, you sexy thing!
Ubermouth- I'm a big animal lover so having a rat for a pet sounds good to me, and much preferable to a lizard or snake.
At heart I am a gun totin old lady. Is that you in your avi or Shirley Manson?
Saw your pics on Ms Smack's blog...you are indeed a hottie. Good blog too.
You had many outfit changes throughout your day. Your dry cleaning bill must be through the roof!
pru - you lure the little beasties into the trap (battery operated) with peanut butter and then it zaps them dead as a door nail . . .
Onehungman- of course I am! And thank you. Nice name BTW. It piqued my curiosity.
Mish- yes, the dry cleaning is spendy but one must look Vogue worthy at all times now mustn't one.
Diane- nifty. Guess they could use about 2 billion of those things in China now.
Gwyneth! Step away from the eyebrow pencil!
"PS - thank you for making me a hottie."
I'm with Mister....that line made me laugh the hardest. And it's hard to laugh the hardest when you're already laughing really hard. :)
Brenda- I'm thinking she used a magic marker.
ablondeblogger- once a customer made me laugh while I was giving him a lap dance, and I accidently spit my gum in his face. But since I am a hottie he didn't care. Plus I think he was drunk. Thanks again, Jesus.
That's me but now I am going to look up Shirley Manson- I may have to come back and kick your ass.:)
Did you look her up?
You're welcome.
Prunella, I'm shocked how much you've let your eyebrows go. You should really set an appointment with Anastascia, STAT!
Kookla- yeah I guess the Brooke Sheilds brows aren't working too well for me.
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