Thursday, August 09, 2007

My Mom has Jungle Fever

So my mom, who has been staying with me for the past couple of weeks, asked me an interesting question this morning. I was sitting at the kitchen table at 6 a.m. guzzling coffee and trying to wake up when she wandered in and handed me a book. It was called Nice Girls Do.

"Have you ever read this book?" she asked.

I gave it a hazy glance. "No."

"Well you should," she said. "It's very informative. For instance, have you ever ejaculated during during one of your orgasms?"

I spit coffee all over table.

"Because I never have, I never even heard of such a thing," she went on, after handing me a paper towel, "but this book says they are quite common. It's called a maxi orgasm, and it's when liquid squirts out of the vagina."

Here's the thing, I love my mom a lot and I enjoy her company, but we don't usually talk about sex. Ever. And I like it this way. But since my dad kicked the bucket a few years ago, my mom has been dating up a storm. I guess she's been screwing around a bit, which is cool. She married my dad when she was nineteen so she never got to experiment much. And I can't imagine that my dad ever gave it to her good. (Gahhhh, just typing these words is making the bile rise up in my throat.)

Anyway, I'm happy that she's having a good time, but like I said, I really don't want to discuss these things with her. I feel bad about it though. Since most of her friends are churchy types, she needs someone to give her some good advice.

So I sat her down at the computer and made her watch a few videos by my favorite sexual guru, Alexyss Tylor, the host of a public access show called "Vagina Power."

If you have never seen this video, I urge you to watch it. You won't be disappointed. Although it might not be safe for work as there is quite a bit of talk about the penis and vagina.

My favorite quote: "This man won't even buy you a plate of shrimp from Long John Silvers...and that's, what, $2.99?...but he can give you a mouth full of sperm and a rectum full of sperm."

I thought my mom would get a few laughs out of this, but it made her more curious than ever. Now she wants me to take her to a sex shop so she can examine the Jack Rabbits. And she asked me, "Do you think it's easier for black men to hit the vagina walls because they are said to have bigger penises?"

Well, I couldn't resist teasing her. "Those rumors are true, Mom. All black men are hung like elephants."

"Really?" she turned a bit pink. "How big would that inches?"

"Oh at least 12 or 13 inches," I said, with my best straight face. "But some are even bigger."

"You know, there is a very handsome black man at my church," she mused. "He just lost his wife not too long ago..."

So I've been singing..... "she's got jungle fever! Ow!" to her all morning.

She keeps protesting, "Oh you hush, you are so silly. I do not."

She totally does. I can't wait to see what happens next.


D. Prince said...

You're not the only one spitting coffee this morning. Thanks a lot!

Diane said...

Now I realize that the one blessing to having my dad die when I was 15 was that I was too young for my mother to discuss sex with! I can't wait to hear about how next Xmas goes with your mom, your black stepdad and Hombre's parents

D. Prince said...

Oh My God! There are so many great quotes in that first video!

My favourite: "That man is screwing her into submission, he's screwing her into slavery by using the penis as a weapon to break her ass down. And with the penis all up in her vagina, you ain't got no defenses".

Ok, I have to stop watching now.

Prunella Jones said...

D- sorry about the coffee. Isn't that a great video? Alexyss tells it like it is! I love the part where her mom says she going to keep "prayed up" so she doesn't become a victim of penis power.

Diane- it's so strange to see my mom for the horny woman she is. When I was growing up the only thing she had to say about sex was vague warnings like men won't buy the cow, if they can get the milk for free. Now she's running wild!

Anonymous said...

My brain is overloading. There are too many good things in this post to comment on. I like how you just let your mom believe every black man was hugely hung like that, setting her on a path of jungle fever with the nice black man from church. And the Vagina power...and. I don't know. It's all too much.

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- what can I say? I am a rotten child. Muyhahahahahaha.

Prunella Jones said...

But if that guy can hit her vagina walls and make her scream, then I will have done a good deed.

Sudiegirl said...

OH god, pru...I wrote an entry about the first time Mom and I had "the talk".

If you want, I'll send the link. Let me know in my comments.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

My goodness. I think I would cut off my own ears if either of my parents talked to me that way. Everyone in our family has an understanding that no one in our family has ever had sex.

Do let us know how the black man at her church... ahem, measures up.

Anonymous said...

It's sweet of you to care for her vagina so much.

Prunella Jones said...

Sudie- was it a Hallmark moment that will make me cry? Or more like a douche commercial?

Mishy- frankly I'm surprised the top of my head hasn't exploded.

Mister U- hey I'm just hoping she'll dump her current boyfriend. He's one of those smooth salesman types who shake your hand a little too long, and act like your best friend moments after you've met. He probably has buckets full of Viagra but I doubt he has much finesse.

D. Prince said...

Ok, I'm really losing it. I had to watch it again.

The Duchess said...

OMG! My Mom died when I was quite young- I MUST ask my brother if my Dad ever had those kinds of conversations with him!!!

LA said...

OMG, Pru! My mom has been so hot-to-trot since my dad died. Thank GOD she moved to an extremely small town where there are no available men, and I don't have to endure these types of conversations. Families and sex talks do NOT mix!

How old is your mom, if you don't mind me asking?

p.s. She totally has jungle fever. Planting the idea in her head was a stroke of genius!

Lexis Eldorado said...

You're the star of So Many Blogs So Little Time right this second.

We've reviewed your site!

Now I must go and lock my mom in the basement so we never have that thought.

Oh and leave the 14 inches alone!!

morbid misanthrope said...

I never talked to my folks about sex, either. Probably because I last saw them when I was only about five years old, my mother was too sloppy drunk to form sentences or move, and my father hated me.

I do seem to remember my father once telling me, after he punched my mother's teeth into the back of her head for looking at the repo man just a little longer than she should have, that "all womens is dirty, filthy sluts; and the only way to keep 'em from straying is to sear their lady parts together with a red-hot machete blade."

Shortly after that, the house burned down, and I found myself alone in the mountains. Thankfully, a mountain lion possessed by the restless spirit of Friedrich Nietzsche raised me until I was old enough to go to ninja college.

GetFlix said...

There is so much to love in that show, but the co-host rules. I love her steadfast countrygirl defination of a jack rabbit.

(Do you officegirls bring your jack rabbits to work, because I need a career change if you do!!)

ffleur said...

Jeez, your mom gets more action than I do!

And everyone should learn about sex from filthy books like I did.

I did overhear my parents doing it once. I was traumatized for years. Later I told them about it and we all had a great laugh because I made a funny story out of it. Humour is the best cure for trauma.

Prunella Jones said...

D- please go to youtube and check out all of the Vagina power vids. I especially like the dance remixes.

Duchess- it's probably different for guys. Of course, I wouldn't want to be having those type of conversations with my dad either.

LA- she is a very young looking 60. The men won't leave her alone.

Lexis- That rocks! I'm gonna pop open a bottle of champagne right now! Well it's actually a bottle of Boones Hill Farms wine, but it's strawberry, which everyone knows is the classiest flavor. Thank you!

Morbid- that is one of the saddest stories I've ever heard in my life. I'm strangely attracted to you now. Damn my heart of gold!

Prunella Jones said...

GF- the cohost is Alexyss' mom. And about the jack comment.

Ffleur- I agree, sex should be learned about only from books. I discovered it from reading Flowers in the Attic when I was a kid. It really made me wish I had a brother.

Pamalicious said...

Judy Blume's "forever" taught me all I needed to know and That book with Brooke Shields and the curly hairded dude on the Island.

Yep I might wanna read those again for old time sake.

Helen said...

Wow, that's all I can say. That was hilarious, but I'm trying to think what the Vagina Power salute should be...a triangle in front of the crotch perhaps. I don't know.

You know you will rot in hell for telling your mama lies like that. The black guy I dated was a stout 10 inches with a 5 inch girth, so that rumor that all black dudes are over 12 inches is SO NOT TRUE!!!!!

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Prunella: I read Flowers in the Attic in grade three, when I checked it out of my public school library. I was a very advanced reader.

Jody said...

Ok, I swear this will be my last comment on this post. I emailed my mom the video and this was her response:

OH MY God!

Wow, American Public TV!! After I finish work I'm going to YouTube and check out more Vagina Power.

D. Prince said...

Oops, that last comment was mine.

Ok, now this really is my last comment and yes I am crazy! said...

Hey, its now or never, she needs to get out there and finish her sexual education!

Miss Smack said...


I once saw a hickey hidden deep within a collar on my mums neck when I was about 18. I said 'ooo, get some, didja?' and she slapped my face so hard I've never asked anything since!

That is a fantastic story! Keep us posted, or better, take pics!

I love some of the one lines that woman comes out with on the vagina tape. Priceless!

ablondeblogger said...

This is one of the funniest blogs I have ever read! Oh my gosh, that video....HILARIOUS!

Totally bloglining you now!

Prunella Jones said...

Pamalicious- who could forget "Forever?" That's one great book!

Helen- you don't know just how right you turned out to be.

Mish- you read "Flowers in the Attic" in third grade? Somehow I'd figured you were a precocious little girl.

Jody/D- I'm glad you enjoy Vagina Power. I don't understand why Alexyss is not a star. I'd much rather listen to her views than Dr. Phil any day.

Brenda- she is turning into a big ol slut. Thank goodness she doesn't have to worry about getting pregnant.

Miss Smack- too bad Vagina Power wasn't around when we were teens. Sounds like your mom could have used it too.

Blondeblogger- thank you! I'm glad you found me. Come back often and leave comments so we can get to know you.

Sudiegirl said...

It was a very uncomfortable douche commercial...let me know if you want the link.

Sudiegirl said...

This is the link to the "Sudie's sex talk with Mom" post

Ryan said...

OMG i love this bitch. You should see the one where she talks about gay men. FUNNIEST SHIT ever.