So my mom, who has been staying with me for the past couple of weeks, asked me an interesting question this morning. I was sitting at the kitchen table at 6 a.m. guzzling coffee and trying to wake up when she wandered in and handed me a book. It was called Nice Girls Do.
"Have you ever read this book?" she asked.
I gave it a hazy glance. "No."
"Well you should," she said. "It's very informative. For instance, have you ever ejaculated during during one of your orgasms?"
I spit coffee all over table.
"Because I never have, I never even heard of such a thing," she went on, after handing me a paper towel, "but this book says they are quite common. It's called a maxi orgasm, and it's when liquid squirts out of the vagina."
Here's the thing, I love my mom a lot and I enjoy her company, but we don't usually talk about sex. Ever. And I like it this way. But since my dad kicked the bucket a few years ago, my mom has been dating up a storm. I guess she's been screwing around a bit, which is cool. She married my dad when she was nineteen so she never got to experiment much. And I can't imagine that my dad ever gave it to her good. (Gahhhh, just typing these words is making the bile rise up in my throat.)
Anyway, I'm happy that she's having a good time, but like I said, I really don't want to discuss these things with her. I feel bad about it though. Since most of her friends are churchy types, she needs someone to give her some good advice.
So I sat her down at the computer and made her watch a few videos by my favorite sexual guru, Alexyss Tylor, the host of a public access show called "Vagina Power."
If you have never seen this video, I urge you to watch it. You won't be disappointed. Although it might not be safe for work as there is quite a bit of talk about the penis and vagina.
My favorite quote: "This man won't even buy you a plate of shrimp from Long John Silvers...and that's, what, $2.99?...but he can give you a mouth full of sperm and a rectum full of sperm."
I thought my mom would get a few laughs out of this, but it made her more curious than ever. Now she wants me to take her to a sex shop so she can examine the Jack Rabbits. And she asked me, "Do you think it's easier for black men to hit the vagina walls because they are said to have bigger penises?"
Well, I couldn't resist teasing her. "Those rumors are true, Mom. All black men are hung like elephants."
"Really?" she turned a bit pink. "How big would that be...in inches?"
"Oh at least 12 or 13 inches," I said, with my best straight face. "But some are even bigger."
"You know, there is a very handsome black man at my church," she mused. "He just lost his wife not too long ago..."
So I've been singing..... "she's got jungle fever! Ow!" to her all morning.
She keeps protesting, "Oh you hush, you are so silly. I do not."
She totally does. I can't wait to see what happens next.