Why is it that whenever I try to have the least little bit of fun, karma has a way of making me pay for it immediately? All of you guys who warned me that there would be repercussions for teasing my mom were so right. I just wasn't expecting it to happen so soon. Why can't karma leave me alone for five minutes and go find OJ Simpson?
This weekend started off pretty good. I was in a great mood because I had finally found someone to take Tucksworth off of my hands. You remember my alcoholic monkey, Tucksworth? Well anyway, my cousin Delmont thought Tucks would make a great pet for his faternity house, so he drove down to pick him up this weekend. Delmont had never been to Nashville before so I showed him a few of the sights, but then I had to trudge off to my horrible new job at The Boobie Barn. I gave Delmont a key to the house and told him to go out and have fun. Tucksworth was sullenly watching Animal Planet and gave me the finger as I left. He's been in a foul mood ever since the vet put him on Antabuse.
So anyway, I went to work and it was a nightmare. (I'll do a special post on it later.) I crawled home at 2 A.M. wanting nothing more than to take a quick swim in my pool and relax with a glass of wine.
But there would be no relaxation that night. I could hear crappy techno music blasting from the patio as soon as I drove up. My beagle, Shirley, was baying loudly, like she always does when she's distressed. I figured Delmont was doing a little entertaining in my pool, so I marched back there to let him know the party was over. I wasn't angry or anything, since I used to be a college kid myself, but I didn't want my snooty neighbors calling the cops on me again.
I went out to the pool and snapped off the music. "Hey guys, it's time to...." I began, but stopped mid-sentence because I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
Delmont and Britney Sue, skanking up my pool.
Do you remember Britney Sue, the brilliant "dancer" who made me lose my job as the star of Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits? There she was in MY pool, humping MY cousin, and wearing MY new Prada sunglasses!
Yes, Delmont is good looking. The Jones side of the family are all hot. Unfortunately most of them are dumb as cement.
"Hey, cuz," Delmont greeted me with his usual cluelessness. "Come on, join the party!"
Britney Sue glared at me. She was no happier to see me than I was to see her. From all the bubbles in the water that surrounded her, I could tell she was farting in my pool. I was furious!
"Bitch," I hissed. "You get your country ass out of that pool and give me back those sunglasses!"
"Excuse me," she said coolly, "But my name ain't bitch, it's Britinia. I jes' changed it since I'm a star and all now. And I ain't going nowhere. Delmont done tol me this is his house!"
I scowled at Delmont, who gave me a sheepish smile. "Sorry about that, Pru," he said, while climbing out of the pool. "Come on, Britinia, we've got to go."
"Where the hell is Tucksworth?" I asked. I couldn't believe he wasn't out there flinging poo at Britinia, as I had trained him specifically to do that. Then the unmistakable smell of pot smoke hit my nostrils.
They let Tucksworth smoke my entire bag of weed!
"Delmont, how could you?" I shrieked. "You know, he's in AA!"
"Well we had to give him somethin," Britinia smirked. "The vodka was makin him puke. You don't know much about takin care of animals, do you?"
Just then my neighbor poked his head of his bedroom window. "All of you shut the hell up or I'm calling the cops! And I'm reporting this to the neighborhood association, Jones. We want you out!"
Goddamn, I hate that neighborhood association! I'd had enough. "Get the hell out of my pool, Britinia!"
"Make me," she taunted.
You know how in stories people will say they "saw red" to describe getting angry? Well, that actually happened to me. At that moment I was so mad I literally saw everything washed in a red haze. I think a blood vessel popped in my eye.
I grabbed Britinia by the hair to haul her out of the pool. She didn't budge but I heard a ripping sound and the next thing I knew I was on my ass, holding her weave in my hands. She was totally bald! Holy shit!
"Bitch, I'ma kill you," she screamed. "I jes paid $30 dollars for that weave!" She jumped out of the pool and was on me in a flash. Now I am in decent shape and know jujitsu, but Britinia outweighs me by a good twenty pounds. She quickly knocked me to the ground and started banging my head on the patio tile. Delmont took his time rescuing me. He told me later it was because he was hoping we'd start ripping each others clothes off and kissing. Once he finally figured out that wasn't going to happen, he grabbed Britinia and hustled her out of there. As she was leaving she swore she'd make me pay for ruining her hair.
Her exact words were, "I'ma get you good!"
Now here I sit on Sunday morning. My monkey is stoned and I'm out of weed, my pool needs to be drained and fumigated, my neighbors are out to get me, and I think I have whiplash. My mom, who was out on a date with the nice man from church, missed the whole thing. From the smile on her face, it looked like she had a pretty good time. That's why I don't understand why I am being punished so terribly for the little bit of teasing I gave her.
But on the plus side, my blog got a very nice review from So Many Blogs, So Little Time>. I'm thrilled because these chicks have excellent taste, and they are really funny. Go here to check out what they said about me and to find out how to get your blog reviewed.