This weekend started off pretty good. I was in a great mood because I had finally found someone to take Tucksworth off of my hands. You remember my alcoholic monkey, Tucksworth? Well anyway, my cousin Delmont thought Tucks would make a great pet for his faternity house, so he drove down to pick him up this weekend. Delmont had never been to Nashville before so I showed him a few of the sights, but then I had to trudge off to my horrible new job at The Boobie Barn. I gave Delmont a key to the house and told him to go out and have fun. Tucksworth was sullenly watching Animal Planet and gave me the finger as I left. He's been in a foul mood ever since the vet put him on Antabuse.
So anyway, I went to work and it was a nightmare. (I'll do a special post on it later.) I crawled home at 2 A.M. wanting nothing more than to take a quick swim in my pool and relax with a glass of wine.
But there would be no relaxation that night. I could hear crappy techno music blasting from the patio as soon as I drove up. My beagle, Shirley, was baying loudly, like she always does when she's distressed. I figured Delmont was doing a little entertaining in my pool, so I marched back there to let him know the party was over. I wasn't angry or anything, since I used to be a college kid myself, but I didn't want my snooty neighbors calling the cops on me again.
I went out to the pool and snapped off the music. "Hey guys, it's time to...." I began, but stopped mid-sentence because I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
Delmont and Britney Sue, skanking up my pool.
Do you remember Britney Sue, the brilliant "dancer" who made me lose my job as the star of Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits? There she was in MY pool, humping MY cousin, and wearing MY new Prada sunglasses!
Yes, Delmont is good looking. The Jones side of the family are all hot. Unfortunately most of them are dumb as cement.
"Hey, cuz," Delmont greeted me with his usual cluelessness. "Come on, join the party!"
Britney Sue glared at me. She was no happier to see me than I was to see her. From all the bubbles in the water that surrounded her, I could tell she was farting in my pool. I was furious!
"Bitch," I hissed. "You get your country ass out of that pool and give me back those sunglasses!"
"Excuse me," she said coolly, "But my name ain't bitch, it's Britinia. I jes' changed it since I'm a star and all now. And I ain't going nowhere. Delmont done tol me this is his house!"
I scowled at Delmont, who gave me a sheepish smile. "Sorry about that, Pru," he said, while climbing out of the pool. "Come on, Britinia, we've got to go."
"Where the hell is Tucksworth?" I asked. I couldn't believe he wasn't out there flinging poo at Britinia, as I had trained him specifically to do that. Then the unmistakable smell of pot smoke hit my nostrils.
They let Tucksworth smoke my entire bag of weed!
"Delmont, how could you?" I shrieked. "You know, he's in AA!"
"Well we had to give him somethin," Britinia smirked. "The vodka was makin him puke. You don't know much about takin care of animals, do you?"
Just then my neighbor poked his head of his bedroom window. "All of you shut the hell up or I'm calling the cops! And I'm reporting this to the neighborhood association, Jones. We want you out!"
Goddamn, I hate that neighborhood association! I'd had enough. "Get the hell out of my pool, Britinia!"
"Make me," she taunted.
You know how in stories people will say they "saw red" to describe getting angry? Well, that actually happened to me. At that moment I was so mad I literally saw everything washed in a red haze. I think a blood vessel popped in my eye.
I grabbed Britinia by the hair to haul her out of the pool. She didn't budge but I heard a ripping sound and the next thing I knew I was on my ass, holding her weave in my hands. She was totally bald! Holy shit!
"Bitch, I'ma kill you," she screamed. "I jes paid $30 dollars for that weave!" She jumped out of the pool and was on me in a flash. Now I am in decent shape and know jujitsu, but Britinia outweighs me by a good twenty pounds. She quickly knocked me to the ground and started banging my head on the patio tile. Delmont took his time rescuing me. He told me later it was because he was hoping we'd start ripping each others clothes off and kissing. Once he finally figured out that wasn't going to happen, he grabbed Britinia and hustled her out of there. As she was leaving she swore she'd make me pay for ruining her hair.
Her exact words were, "I'ma get you good!"
Now here I sit on Sunday morning. My monkey is stoned and I'm out of weed, my pool needs to be drained and fumigated, my neighbors are out to get me, and I think I have whiplash. My mom, who was out on a date with the nice man from church, missed the whole thing. From the smile on her face, it looked like she had a pretty good time. That's why I don't understand why I am being punished so terribly for the little bit of teasing I gave her.
But on the plus side, my blog got a very nice review from So Many Blogs, So Little Time>. I'm thrilled because these chicks have excellent taste, and they are really funny. Go here to check out what they said about me and to find out how to get your blog reviewed.
38 comments:
Oh my god, Pru, that story was fuckin' hilarious. That BIIIITTTCCCHHH! A pox on her and that back-stabbing blood relation (maybe it will be the same pox affecting the same region)
Pets and booze don't mix - I know from the one time Hanna got drunk on New Year's Eve
Helen- she's a nasty bitch all right. And I wouldn't doubt that Delmont already has several unpleasant diseases. Not only is the Jones side of the family beautiful and stupid, but they are notorious whores as well. It's a good thing I got a few brains from my mom's family to balance out my own hot sluttiness.
That pool will have to be thoroughly cleaned!
Diane- uh oh, Hanna got drunk? Did she run around with a lampshade on her head? Or are we talking doggie barf?
He's been in a foul mood ever since the vet put him on Antabuse.
Genius.
When Karma catches up with OJ, there won’t even be rind left.
Why would you let an alcoholic money live in a frat house? Is your cousin in a seminary? (Even they have wine).
You have Prada sunglasses? I was going to buy a pair for my wife as a cheering up gift, but I would have had to refinance our home and draw money out to pay for them.
Sorry to hear about Tucksworth smoking all your bud. I’d be seeing red too. That stuff is legal here in California, you know. Although I don’t think you’re supposed to let your pets smoke it.
pru - the only alcohol she seems to like is Apple Martinis, and one NYE she kept sneaking a lick out of everyone's glass . . . after a few tongue fulls, she shook her head, then went and laid down on her dog bed - kept her head low like she had the doggie spins . . .
LA- I can't blame him, really, for being pissed off. He can't even use mouthwash without getting sick.
Dan- okay, I'll confess. The sunglasses are actually knockoffs. They look pretty good though, huh? Your wife might like a pair of those. There's no shame in knockoffs. It just means you have the good sense not to pay through the nose for overrated crap.
And Delmont told me his fraternity was dedicated to sobriety after losing nearly half their members to a bizarre alcoholic, spanking accident during hazing. I should have known better than to believe him, however, because in addition to being hot, dumb, and slutty, the Jones side of the family are total liars.
Diane- poor Hanna. I like Apple Martinis too but they have the same effect on me.
heheheh!
Funny stuff Mz de ville. I can't believe (let me rephrase, I can believe) Brit is stupid enough to allow pictures. She's become a j-cloth: cheap, use it once and throw it away
Love the monkey, looks like it has blue eye shadow and black leather gloves. Add the gloves and Tuck becomes a stylin' young man about town.
Congrats on the great review. You are very courageous to put your blog out there. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to take the rejection.
"He told me later it was because he was hoping we'd start ripping each others clothes off and kissing."
Why does this never happen? I have been in Delmont's shoes SO MANY times, but it never ends as one would hope!
I suggest you buy Tucksworth a hydroponic growing kit.
Mr. Muggles has become much calmer since he started with his horticultural hobby. If you have proof it's your helper monkey who is growing the plants, it also goes down to a smaller charge if you're caught!
I hope your mom's vagina has been thoroughly satisfied. It does my heart good to see you care so much!
Ffleur- aren't that pictures nuts? Every time I think I am done with Britney, I come across more pics that begged to be used. What can you do?
As for the review, it is such a nice change of pace for me. I'm much more familiar with form rejection letters.
Mister U- sorry, dude, but two chicks fighting only leads to lesbianism in pornos. You guys just never quit hoping though, do you?
You know, I like the hydroponic suggestion. Weed does seem to mellow out Tucksworth. The only problem was that he ate all of my Ben and Jerry's ice cream and made me drive to Costco for a ten pound bag of Cheetos. Monkey munchies are so heinous!
Mr. Muggles drove the car to smith's and bought 21 turkeys on my credit card last year at thanksgiving time. Teach the little fuckers to drive so they can fetch smokes, and in no time they abuse your trust. They're worse than kids, I tell ya!
PS Congratumalations on the great blog review. This blog goes to eleven!!!
Was it James Joyce who papered his room with all his rejection letters?
Well, it was a famous writer anyway. And a very creative solution to a paper problem. So hang in there, it will come around.
Its small consolation but if Courtney Love and Janice Dickenson can have books published, so can you.
Mister U's muggle story reminded me of this news item:
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Woman crashes teaching dog to drive
Posted on Aug 29, 2006 2:31:34 PM
BEIJING (AP) — You can teach a dog new tricks — but driving isn't one of them. A woman in Hohhot, the capital of north China's Inner Mongolia region, crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson, the official Xinhua News Agency reported Monday. No injuries were reported although the vehicles involved were slightly damaged, Xinhua said. The woman, identified only by her surname, Li, said her dog "was fond of crouching on the steering wheel" and often watched her drive. "She thought she would let the dog 'have a try' while she operated the accelerator and brake," the report said. "They did not make it far before crashing into an oncoming car."
that there is some crazy shit !
heheh great post.
Mister U- goodness, 21 turkeys? That sure is one poultry lovin monkey!
PS Thank you, good sir.
Ffleur- oh well, mainstream fiction and poetry are the hardest things to get published. I'm probably overreaching myself. I should just stick to romance and confession and be happy.
The dog article did not surprise me. I see people driving around with their dogs on their laps all the time. You just know plenty of them decide to let the dog steer, thinking "what could happen?" Then BAM! Darwin wins.
Tucksworth would never want to drive. He expects me to chauffeur him everywhere while he lounges in the backseat.
Miss Smack- yes, it is, isn't it? And that's because in addition to being hot, dumb, slutty, and liars, the Jones side of the family are all completely insane.
You ROCK woman! I Love that your blog got such a great review. You totally deserve it.
Are you Yote??? Even if you are not I htink ouy are fabulous in a non lesbian way!
Ffleur - Don't know if Joyce papered a room with rejection letters, but his wife is famously quoted as saying, "why don't you write something people can read?"
She probably said that after Finnegan's Wake.
Why is it that everyone with "Brit" in their name is scaring the hell out of me lately?
LA: hehe. James Joyce's wife was a perceptive and wise woman. I've tried Ulysses and gotten thru a few pages. My conclusion: its vastly overrated.
What is a yote?
SG- thank you, my lovely. My aunt says hello.
Ubermouth- am I a wha???? Translation please?
So you don't think I'm fabulous in a lesbian way? Would it help if I posted a picture of my boobs?
LA- Joyce's wife was a wise woman. Finigin's Wake makes Moby Dick seem riveting. Of course, Joyce is now considered a genius and his works widely discussed. No one will be studying my Pennysaver articles in 50 years so what do I know.
Brenda- you are right to be scared. In numerology the name Brit adds up to 666. Muyhahahahahaha.
Ffleur- bless you for being able to get through a few pages. I've tried numerous times and failed to get through the first paragraph. I'd probably need a bucket of Adderall to read a whole chapter. Mmmmm Adderalllll, concentration goodness in one little pill. Got any?
I'm thinking yote is some British slang?
Girl...only you could "weave" those pieces together into such a bee-yoo-tee-ful tableau.
I'm glad you had a good review at So Many Blogs...you deserve it.
Yeah, I find it hard to believe anyone ever got through a page of Finnigan's Wake without thinking "What the fuck?"
Congratulations on the blog review, Pru!
Britania sounds nasty. I would just have that pool filled in. Even the best of scrubbin's wouldn't wash the stank out of it.
Sudie- thank you!
Can you send me that link about the time you and your mom had "the talk"?
Mister U- yes! I hate all those dream-conciousness type books with the puns and anagrams and whatnot. That is most likely because I am too dumb to understand them.
Mish- the pool company is cleaning it now. They are wearing their MOP level 4 gear. I got the super deluxe biohazard special.
I feel for you, Pru; I really do. There's nothing worse than trash defiling your home--human trash like Britney Sue or regular trash like the pile of half-eaten raccoons I have stinking up my living room. Anyway, one of my personalities, mossback misanthrope, knows all about throwing down redneck style, and would like to offer you some advice for your next encounter with Britney Sue.
Here’s what y’all wanna do next time that hussy shows up to yer residence. Now, I may jest be ol’ fashioned or sumpin’, but I always been quite partial to knifin’ my opponents with broken alkeehol bottles.
If you’re using a broken bottle, would it still be considered “knifing”?
Shityes, it would still be called knifin’, morb. Jeezis, don’t ya know nothin’?
Well, I just thought that the verb knifing indicated the use of a knife to …
That’s jest flawed logic, ya retard. What do ya think I ought to call it? Bottling?
As in, “I just bottled that bastard for talking shit”?
I hope now ya see how gotdamn silly that sounds.
Yeah. I do. Sorry. Knifing someone with a broken bottle makes perfect sense. What about the term “shanking,” though?
I could say shanking … if I wanted to sound like one of the negroes I was in prison with. And I don’t. Go read sumpin’ with small letters and no pitchures in it, ya nerd. Leave the fightin’ tips ta me. Anyway, as I was sayin’, you jest up and knife that bitch with a broken bottle a Jim Beam. That’ll fix her good. Or you could jest light her on fire with chemicals. That’s what the doctor in my town used ta kill his wife with. The flames was all green and it smelled like the meth lab that blew up a town over and caught the ol’ perfume factory on fire.
Good luck with your situation, Pru. Knifing may be a little barbaric for my tastes, but it will certainly take care of your problem; however, if I were you, I’d get a few scalpels and a bonesaw and take Britney Sue apart, piece by piece, for a few days. Revenge is all the better when it takes time.
Yer a sick fuck, ya know that, morb?
My methods are simply more thoughtful than yours, mossback. Don’t fault me for that.
You Hannibal Lector sumbitch. If you wan’t so dangerous, Id’a killed you by now.
The second I figure out how to butcher you as an entity separate from myself you’ll be hanging from a hook in my basement just like the landlady.
Congratulations on the great blog review, by the way.
Pru - You are hilarious! I couldn't stop cracking up reading your entries! Congrats to you on the great blog review! I'm posting you as a favorite on my blog! MJ
Mossback Misanthrope- thanks for the advice. You really gave me something to consider and you made one of my other personalities, Mrs. Danvers, giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl. Come back soon!
Oh and I always enjoy your comments, Morbid. They never fail to amuse me, although Mrs. Danvers thinks you are a weirdo and possibly the Anti-Christ. But then again, she thinks that about 99% of the population. I never should have let her read the Left Behind series.
MJ- thank you! I'm glad you commented. Come back often.
Poor Tucksworth. He must have had the mad munchies.
He is fond of his Cheetos.
Can't you make it Britney Jean so it'll stick, PLEEZE!
The "sues" of the world would thank you immensely.
Sudie- that's why I changed it to Britinia, just for you.
LOLOLOLOLOL!! Was she wearing any underwear?
Good God, I hope so!
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