Tagged

I've been tagged by everyone's favorite lollipop lover, Anandamide with the question "If you were left alone on a deserted island, which celebrity would you choose to spend time with?"

As you can see this is serious question which requires some thought and effort, which I am feeling much too lazy to do. Since my immediate answer, Johnny Depp, is a bit dull and unimaginative, I thought I'd ask a few email buddies for their suggestions and weigh the pros and cons of each. Here are their choices:



1) Stephen Colbert- comedian, star of The Colbert Report.



PROS: He is hilarious and cute as a button. I would so love to give him a lap dance and pull his glasses off. I bet he'd blush like crazy.

CONS: The George Bush jokes might get a little old after a while. Plus he looks kind of wimpy. Between the two of us we might have a hard time surviving a deserted island.




2) Pete Doherty - singer, druggie, ex of Kate Moss



PROS: He would be sure to have plenty of drugs with him, which could help pass the time while we waited for rescue. If we ran out of drugs I could probably get high for the next few years just from licking his skin.

CONS: Too numerous to list.





3) Sigmund Freud - the "father of psychoanalysis." Yes, he is dead but the meme didn't rule out historical celebs. This is what you get when you ask a college professor for her suggestion.



PROS: Stuck on an island, we would have plenty of time to work on my issues.

CONS: I don't want to work on my issues. I'd rather pop a pill like everyone else.





4) Bear Grylls - British mountaineer and host of the show Man vs. Wild



PROS: Oh yeah, now this was a great suggestion! Bear would build me a condo out palm fronds and volcanic rock and figure out how to make wine from coconuts. Plus.....YEOW, he's smokin hot. I'd never want to be rescued.

CONS: Is there a con here? I did see him drink his own urine once on an episode of his TV show, but that's not a real big deal.





5> Jay Leno - host of The Tonight Show, comic. This suggestion came from my mother BTW.



PROS: According to my mom, Leno is, "cute, sweet, so funny, and I bet he has a large package." (I told you the woman is sex obsessed).

CONS: Not really my cup of tea, though he does seem like a really nice person. I saw him once at a coffee shop in Burbank and he spent half an hour signing autographs and chatting with people, which was pretty cool of him.





6) Wilson - beach ball, star of the movie Cast Away


PROS: Good conversationalist

CONS: unfortunately too round. I'd need something a little more phallic shaped.





So after weighing the pros and cons of each of these celebrities I think I will pick......Johnny Depp! No, actually I'd like to be shipwrecked with all of them so that way they could worship me as their queen and I'd never get bored or sexually frustrated. Thanks to everyone who was nice enough to return my email.

Now comes the fun part. Who shall I tag with this assignment? Normally I never tag people since I'm all cool and laid back like that. I just say "Do it if you want to." But today I am feeling especially evil and bitchy since I've been trying to ween myself off of caffeine (or at least the massive quantities of caffeine that I usually injest). So....who shall it be? Let me think....okay here we go, I am going to tag LA, Diane, Mister Underhill, Memphis Steve, Scottsdale Girl, and Helen. And what's more, I am hereby tagging anyone who regularly visits this blog but never comments. You lurkers know who you are. Say something or suffer the wrath of (cue the sound effects) "The Great and Terrible Desert Island Meme". Muyhahahahahaha.

Whew!

Boy am I glad I was able to get out of jello wrestling The Champ on Saturday. She made mincemeat out of every girl in the club! Gary, the bouncer, told me he'd never seen so much violence. Here are a few pictures of the damage.



One of the Jessica's got popped in the eye. I think this is Jessica S. but I'm not sure. There are so many Jessica's working at The Boobie Barn that I can't keep them straight.




My friend Gypsy leaving the club after the champ got through with her.




I guess Gypsy's boyfriend tried to jump in the jello pit and save her, but Donna worked him over good too. Check out the side of his face!


This jello wrestling thing has got to go. No one appreciates getting beaten up, and the jello is ruining everybody's weaves. We all complained to Captain Peanut about it, but he wasn't very sympathetic. He just smirked and pulled out one of his signs.



Captain Peanut is such a jerk! I wish Donna would body slam him. Maybe she will one day. They are rumored to be dating.


I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss working at Big Earl's House of Class and Tits.

This

This is the gentlemen's club that my boss, the Mighty Midget, built.

It is also where I now work.





This is the guy who bought the gentlemen's club from the Mighty Midget. His name is Captain Peanut. He hates to talk and communicates mostly through large signs.







This is the new jello wrestling pit that Captain Peanut installed in the gentlemen's club. He says participation is mandatory.







This is the current Jello Wrestling Champion. I'm scheduled to fight her on Saturday night. Her name is Donna, and she told me she cannot wait to kick my ass.







This is my cool new phone. I'm going to use it to call in sick on Saturday. Unless you have a better suggestion????

A Night in Heaven, A Morning in Hell

What can I say about this past week? It was dull and quiet. I was unable to work since Britinia messed up my knee during her poolside attack. The bitch! I sent her my medical bills and a note suggesting that she pay them. Well actually, here is what the note said:

"Pay up, you bald headed bitch, or I'll let Earl's wife know exactly how you got that job!"


She sent me back this picture.



God, I hate her!

Anyway, like I was saying, it was a dull week. I gimped around on my crutches and watched daytime TV with Tucksworth. Tucks has become very mellow ever since he turned into a pothead. I think watching the Dr. Phil show has helped him as well. He's much more tolerant about letting me play my Grateful Dead CDs, and even lets me listen to Radiohead without breaking dishes or flinging poo. We are getting along so well now, I'm really glad that Delmont didn't take him.

It's nice to laze around sometimes, but by Saturday nite I was thoroughly bored. So when my friends Tequila and Venus invited me to go to a country and western bar with them, I said yes immediately, even though I mostly hate country music. But what are you going to do, I live in Nashville for pete's sake.

So we made ourselves beautiful and headed out to the club. It was packed with the usual mix of true fans and ironic hipsters. The opening band was very Hee-Hawish. I spent most of their set knocking back Mojitos and chatting with the bartender. I was beginning to wish I hadn't bothered coming when it happened: HE sauntered on to the stage and I fell in lust.




One fine piece of man meat. Doesn't he look like a zombified Elvis? As you may know, I spend a lot of time thinking about zombies.


The emcee introduced him as "Unknown Hinson, the King of Country and Western Troubadors" and from the top of his chart toppin' hair to the bottom of his suede shoes, he was very majestic indeed. I felt myself flush all over when he looked me right in the eye and started playing a song called, "Satan in a Thong." By the time he started on the next one, "Fish Camp Woman," I knew I had to have him.

You see, I kinda have this thing for musicians. The thing being that they make me want to get naked. Although I usually prefer the kind that look like Chris Cornell, have no money, and unrealistic musical aspirations. Still, Unknown's talent (not to mention those sideburns and Dracula fangs) drove me wild.




Here's a picture of my friend Tequila with Unknown. She was really pissed off when he went home with me instead of her.



I had a great time with him. We drank some party liquor and he told me about his youth as a sword swallower in traveling carnival. I told him about juggling fire in my pole dancing act, and the next thing I knew he was removing my dress with his tongue.

Oh what a night! I woke up before sunrise, dehydrated but happy, and started writing the delicious details in my diary. Here is what I wrote:

Dear Diary,

I think I finally know what it means to be a woman now. Nothing, not even the magical ten minutes I spent with Glen Danzig in the back of his tour bus, can top this experience. Unknown was a testosterone-crazed beast! I loved the way he....."


But just then I heard a crashing noise very close by. It sounded like it was coming from my driveway. Alarmed, I ran to window and peered out. I could not believe what I saw. Thank goodness I remembered to take pictures for evidence.




Britinia, pounding the crap out of my car with an umbrella.


"What the hell are you doing, Britinia?" I screamed. "Are you insane? Have you gone completely out of your tiny mind?"




Crazy people are strong.




How would you like to see this in your driveway at 5 A.M.?


"That's what you get for ripping my hair off!" she hollared. "And I ain't paying no doctor bills for you. I'ma send you back to that doctor if'n you dare breathe a word to Earl's wife, do you hear me?"

Then my neighbor stuck his head out of the window and piped up, "Christ lady, you've got more mouth than a cows got teets! Shut up, already!"

Britinia turned her rage on him. "You shut your hole, MEATHOLE!" she screamed, and threw the umbrella she'd been using to beat my car at his window. It hit smack in the center and knocked his screen off. She finally left after I told her the cops were on their way.

So now my car is dented and scratched, my neighbors are pissed off, and I probably need to see about getting a restraining order. But at least Saturday night was fun. How was your weekend?





*And if you've never heard of Unknown Hinson (and not enough people have) please check out this video. The guy can tear it up!

Catchy

You must watch this. I am trying to work up a pole dancing routine to the tune take anything you want! right this very minute.

How I Spent Tuesday, 8/14/07

By Prunella Jones



6 A.M.


Rise and shine! I am up with the sun. Mostly because that's when my animals start howling for their food. Except for Tucksworth, of course. He never gets up before noon. This is my new rat, Schnozo 2. He has a very delicate stomach so I must feed him with a sippy cup. Schnozo 1 wasn't this picky, which is probably the reason he is no longer with us. He chewed through the toaster's electrical cord which schmelted him to the counter. Does anyone know how to get the smell of fried rat out of a kitchen? I've tried everything.



10:30 A.M.


Well thanks to my little run in with Britinia the other day, my knee is completely messed up. I can't work, and have to hobble around on crutches for a week. It's really pissing me off! I think I'll pray about it. Dear Jesus, why did you let Britinia wreck my knee? It's not fair! Please make ten pounds of cellulite appear on her ass. And also, could you kill that asshole doctor who refused to write me a prescription for Oxycontin like I asked, but gave me Motrin instead? You can't get high from Motrin!! Oh and I'd really, really like it if you could please smite all those bastards at my insurance company as well. $500 deductable, my ass! Thank you, Lord, amen. PS - thank you for making me a hottie.



3:15 P.M.


I really hate it when my internet connection goes down. How much longer am I going to have to wait to get on-line? I've already called the cable company three times and I keep getting the same message that they are "working on it." Liars! What did I do with my time before I got that Geek Squad guy to slip me a free computer and started blogging? Oh yeah, I watched Jerry Springer. Where's the remote?



7:45 P.M.

That's a good girl, Shirley! Go do your poopy on the neighbor's lawn. Right by the front door so he can see it and possibly step in it first thing, when he leaves in the morning. That's right.....good girl! Mommy is going to cook you up some homemade dog biscuits right after I finish watching Josie and the Pussycats on TV Links.



10 P.M.


Time for bed. What a long, boring day, but at least I looked fabulous as always. Wow, I'm really loving this new Creme de la Mer firming night cream. It was expensive but worth it. It's really firming my skin right up!.....but....wait a minute, it's too firm. I can't move my face......not even to blink! Did Tucksworth put Superglue in my face cream again? I'm going to kill that monkey!!!!!

Karma

Why is it that whenever I try to have the least little bit of fun, karma has a way of making me pay for it immediately? All of you guys who warned me that there would be repercussions for teasing my mom were so right. I just wasn't expecting it to happen so soon. Why can't karma leave me alone for five minutes and go find OJ Simpson?

This weekend started off pretty good. I was in a great mood because I had finally found someone to take Tucksworth off of my hands. You remember my alcoholic monkey, Tucksworth? Well anyway, my cousin Delmont thought Tucks would make a great pet for his faternity house, so he drove down to pick him up this weekend. Delmont had never been to Nashville before so I showed him a few of the sights, but then I had to trudge off to my horrible new job at The Boobie Barn. I gave Delmont a key to the house and told him to go out and have fun. Tucksworth was sullenly watching Animal Planet and gave me the finger as I left. He's been in a foul mood ever since the vet put him on Antabuse.

So anyway, I went to work and it was a nightmare. (I'll do a special post on it later.) I crawled home at 2 A.M. wanting nothing more than to take a quick swim in my pool and relax with a glass of wine.

But there would be no relaxation that night. I could hear crappy techno music blasting from the patio as soon as I drove up. My beagle, Shirley, was baying loudly, like she always does when she's distressed. I figured Delmont was doing a little entertaining in my pool, so I marched back there to let him know the party was over. I wasn't angry or anything, since I used to be a college kid myself, but I didn't want my snooty neighbors calling the cops on me again.

I went out to the pool and snapped off the music. "Hey guys, it's time to...." I began, but stopped mid-sentence because I couldn't believe what I was seeing.




Delmont and Britney Sue, skanking up my pool.


Do you remember Britney Sue, the brilliant "dancer" who made me lose my job as the star of Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits? There she was in MY pool, humping MY cousin, and wearing MY new Prada sunglasses!




Yes, Delmont is good looking. The Jones side of the family are all hot. Unfortunately most of them are dumb as cement.



"Hey, cuz," Delmont greeted me with his usual cluelessness. "Come on, join the party!"

Britney Sue glared at me. She was no happier to see me than I was to see her. From all the bubbles in the water that surrounded her, I could tell she was farting in my pool. I was furious!

"Bitch," I hissed. "You get your country ass out of that pool and give me back those sunglasses!"

"Excuse me," she said coolly, "But my name ain't bitch, it's Britinia. I jes' changed it since I'm a star and all now. And I ain't going nowhere. Delmont done tol me this is his house!"

I scowled at Delmont, who gave me a sheepish smile. "Sorry about that, Pru," he said, while climbing out of the pool. "Come on, Britinia, we've got to go."

"Where the hell is Tucksworth?" I asked. I couldn't believe he wasn't out there flinging poo at Britinia, as I had trained him specifically to do that. Then the unmistakable smell of pot smoke hit my nostrils.



They let Tucksworth smoke my entire bag of weed!



"Delmont, how could you?" I shrieked. "You know, he's in AA!"

"Well we had to give him somethin," Britinia smirked. "The vodka was makin him puke. You don't know much about takin care of animals, do you?"

Just then my neighbor poked his head of his bedroom window. "All of you shut the hell up or I'm calling the cops! And I'm reporting this to the neighborhood association, Jones. We want you out!"

Goddamn, I hate that neighborhood association! I'd had enough. "Get the hell out of my pool, Britinia!"

"Make me," she taunted.

You know how in stories people will say they "saw red" to describe getting angry? Well, that actually happened to me. At that moment I was so mad I literally saw everything washed in a red haze. I think a blood vessel popped in my eye.

I grabbed Britinia by the hair to haul her out of the pool. She didn't budge but I heard a ripping sound and the next thing I knew I was on my ass, holding her weave in my hands. She was totally bald! Holy shit!

"Bitch, I'ma kill you," she screamed. "I jes paid $30 dollars for that weave!" She jumped out of the pool and was on me in a flash. Now I am in decent shape and know jujitsu, but Britinia outweighs me by a good twenty pounds. She quickly knocked me to the ground and started banging my head on the patio tile. Delmont took his time rescuing me. He told me later it was because he was hoping we'd start ripping each others clothes off and kissing. Once he finally figured out that wasn't going to happen, he grabbed Britinia and hustled her out of there. As she was leaving she swore she'd make me pay for ruining her hair.

Her exact words were, "I'ma get you good!"

Now here I sit on Sunday morning. My monkey is stoned and I'm out of weed, my pool needs to be drained and fumigated, my neighbors are out to get me, and I think I have whiplash. My mom, who was out on a date with the nice man from church, missed the whole thing. From the smile on her face, it looked like she had a pretty good time. That's why I don't understand why I am being punished so terribly for the little bit of teasing I gave her.

But on the plus side, my blog got a very nice review from So Many Blogs, So Little Time>. I'm thrilled because these chicks have excellent taste, and they are really funny. Go here to check out what they said about me and to find out how to get your blog reviewed.

My Mom has Jungle Fever

So my mom, who has been staying with me for the past couple of weeks, asked me an interesting question this morning. I was sitting at the kitchen table at 6 a.m. guzzling coffee and trying to wake up when she wandered in and handed me a book. It was called Nice Girls Do.

"Have you ever read this book?" she asked.

I gave it a hazy glance. "No."

"Well you should," she said. "It's very informative. For instance, have you ever ejaculated during during one of your orgasms?"

I spit coffee all over table.

"Because I never have, I never even heard of such a thing," she went on, after handing me a paper towel, "but this book says they are quite common. It's called a maxi orgasm, and it's when liquid squirts out of the vagina."

Here's the thing, I love my mom a lot and I enjoy her company, but we don't usually talk about sex. Ever. And I like it this way. But since my dad kicked the bucket a few years ago, my mom has been dating up a storm. I guess she's been screwing around a bit, which is cool. She married my dad when she was nineteen so she never got to experiment much. And I can't imagine that my dad ever gave it to her good. (Gahhhh, just typing these words is making the bile rise up in my throat.)

Anyway, I'm happy that she's having a good time, but like I said, I really don't want to discuss these things with her. I feel bad about it though. Since most of her friends are churchy types, she needs someone to give her some good advice.

So I sat her down at the computer and made her watch a few videos by my favorite sexual guru, Alexyss Tylor, the host of a public access show called "Vagina Power."



If you have never seen this video, I urge you to watch it. You won't be disappointed. Although it might not be safe for work as there is quite a bit of talk about the penis and vagina.

My favorite quote: "This man won't even buy you a plate of shrimp from Long John Silvers...and that's, what, $2.99?...but he can give you a mouth full of sperm and a rectum full of sperm."

I thought my mom would get a few laughs out of this, but it made her more curious than ever. Now she wants me to take her to a sex shop so she can examine the Jack Rabbits. And she asked me, "Do you think it's easier for black men to hit the vagina walls because they are said to have bigger penises?"

Well, I couldn't resist teasing her. "Those rumors are true, Mom. All black men are hung like elephants."

"Really?" she turned a bit pink. "How big would that be...in inches?"

"Oh at least 12 or 13 inches," I said, with my best straight face. "But some are even bigger."

"You know, there is a very handsome black man at my church," she mused. "He just lost his wife not too long ago..."

So I've been singing..... "she's got jungle fever! Ow!" to her all morning.



She keeps protesting, "Oh you hush, you are so silly. I do not."

She totally does. I can't wait to see what happens next.

THE PRUNELLA JONES STORY starring Mary Kate Olsen

The Prunella Jones Story is the true modern day Cinderella tale of Prunella Jones, the smokin hot freelance writer who overcame both OCD and a deprived childhood in the Inland Empire, by using her incredible body to become a Hollywood IT girl. Mary KAte Olsen stars in this uplifting story of a plucky gal who refused to give up, even after she developed a serious drug/alcohol problem, gambled away her fortune, got dumped by both Johnny Depp and Jake Gyllenhaal, AND lost her alien baby, Ozzie Danzig, to the Scientologists. (see the May 15th episode for clarification)

In today's episode, Pru has just been released from the psychiatric hospital.




"What are you looking at? You never saw a crazy lady before?"




"Damn, everything sucks. I have no money and nothing but the clothes on my back and a few ciggies. What am I going to do? I'm not going back to Riverside, hell no! I'll have to find some sort of job."




Pru: "Well at least I'm skinnier than I've ever been in my life. Oh and look, there's half of an ecstacy tablet left in my purse. Sweet! Just what I needed. Now I feel like dancing!"

Random Guy: "Hey there honey, you look good. How much for a date?"

Pru: "Fuck off, freak!"




"Oh God, just when I think my life can't get any worse, now I'm being mistaken for a prostitute? Why would he think that? Just because I'm walking the streets in high heels and lingerie? This nightgown cost $500 at La Perla!

(sigh) What am I going to do? It's hopeless! I should just go throw myself off of a bridge!"




"Hey, Prunella. Don't talk like that, baby."




"Wow, Joey Ramone? I love you! I'm glad to see you went to heaven, Joey. But what's up with the Dr. Martens boots? Who wears those past high school?




"Yeah, I know. I prefer Converse myself, but what are ya gonna do? They were issued to me with the robe. Anyhow, I don't wanna hear anymore talk about offin yerself, all right? You just need a job. Promise me you'll take the first job that comes along, okay?"




"I sure will. Thanks Joey, you rock! Well, how about that? Things are looking up."





"Excuse me, did I hear you say you were looking for a job? What a coincidence! I happen to have an opening for a personal assistant. What a lucky day for you."





"Um.....Joey? This wasn't exactly what I had in mind.....Joey?"



Should Pru take the job as Naomi Campbell's personal assistant? Can she avoid getting beaned by Naomi's diamond studded cell phone? Will she be able to maintain a size 00? Find out in the next episode of The Prunella Jones Story

I Know Who Killed Me: A Review

I have a confession to make. As much as I enjoy cracking on the Firecrotch, I've never actually seen a Lindsay Lohan film. Nope, not even Mean Girls. But I enjoy a good stripper movie, so I thought I'd check out Lindsay's new offering. It's supposed to be about a girl who gets kidnapped by a serial killer, and then thinks she's her own twin sister who might be a stripper. At least that's the impression I got from the trailer. I've been hearing that it is so awful, it's actually good in a "Showgirls" kind of way. I wouldn't waste my money going to the theater to see it though, it's really easy to find online. Here are my notes.



Minute 3:00 -- It starts with Lindsay sliding around a stripper pole in slow motion. She's not naked.

3:23 -- Lindsay is a high school student named Aubrey. She has the raspy, cigarette voice of a 50 year old truck stop waitress.

5:08 -- Her piano teacher looks a bit like Elton John. He's wearing a big blue ring.

6:07 --She has a hairless cat, just like Dr. Evil. What are those cats called?

6:31 -- I'm bored.

7:32 -- Pricks finger on a blue rose. Ooo scary music.

7:56 -- Annoying, raspy scream.

11:35 -- Some boring stuff happens at a school. Then there is shot of Lindsay getting out of a car in tight clothes making eyes at a gardner. He takes off his shirt and gives her a come-hither stare. She gives him the finger. Oh boy, I guess this is who they want us to think is the killer?

12:00 -- Now she's at a football game. For some reason, this scene is suddenly in black and white with touches of bright blue everywhere. WTF?

14:00 -- There is some dialog about a serial killer on the loose. I didn't really catch it all since I was busy returning emails.

15:00 -- Oh noes! Aubrey is missing! There is a blue rose in her car. What's up with all the blue?

16:00 -- She's tied up with a blue gag over her mouth. Blue latex gloves hold her face. Blue torture instruments on a table. This blue crap is really starting to get on my nerves.

18:00 -- God, now the cops are wearing bright blue latex gloves. Enough already with the blue!

20ish minutes -- A gross torture scene. Yuck. I'm not watching that. I go make myself some toast.

28:00 -- Aubrey has been found! She's in the hospital missing a hand and a leg. Oh and she thinks her name is Dakota Moss. And she's a tough little cookie who was raised by a crack addict mom. You can tell she's tough because she says "fuck" a lot. And she refers to policemen as "fuzz." Do the kids still say fuzz? I thought that was a term from the 70's, last heard on episodes of "Chico and the Man."

33:00 -- Julia Ormand is playing Lindsay's mom. What? She looks more like Lindsay's younger sister.

38:00 -- Dakota is having a flashback to her stripping days. Lot's of slow motion shots of her wiggling her ass around a pole. Apparently she is the only stripper in the club who is allowed to keep her clothes on.

45:00 -- Blah, blah, dialog. I read a few blogs. When I looked up, there was a picture of Lindsay on the screen with the word "delusional" scrawled across it. Finally, something in this movie makes sense.

52:00 -- A very unhot sex scene. Dakota is fucking Aubrey's boyfriend. She now has a robotic arm? How did I miss that? Oh yeah, because this movie is so dull I'm practically falling asleep.

1 hr. -- Finally something cool! Art Bell has a cameo. I used to love his radio show. He looks exactly as I pictured him, kind of like a weirder Stephen King.

There is a shot of wilting blue flowers and running water over dramatic music. This is like a poorly done Lifetime movie. Why is Lindsay considered a good actress? She's so boring to watch. Melissa Gilbert would've sold it.

1 hr 15ish minutes -- Lindsay confronts the killer. She kills him with something. I think it's her bionic fake arm. Then she starts digging a hole. Is it a grave? No, it's......wait, WHAT?


THE END flashes on the screen.

This is possibly the dumbest, most boring movie I've ever seen. "Ernest Goes to Camp" had a better plot, not to mention a sexier star. I may have lost brain cells from watching this and it's not like I have a lot to spare, you know? I'm not going to link this piece of crap. If you want an interesting movie to watch check out Loose Change a film which asks a lot of tough questions about what really happened on 9/11. You may not like the information that is presented, but it will definitely give you something to think about.