I'll Need to See Some I.D.

So according to this site my blog has been given an R rating.




This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

* sex (3x)
* dick (2x)
* skank (1x)

How disappointing! After all my talk of golden showers I thought I'd at least get an NC-17.

The same site has a few good quizzes. For instance, I learned that:

54%

Mingle²

Woo-hoo! Click here to play.

Still More Rotten Luck

All right, let me finish telling you what happened on my trip. After the disappointment of not selling the J.J. pictures, I decided to cheer myself up by doing a little shopping. Well no sooner did I walk into Forever 21, when along came Britney Spears with her faithful dogsbody, Cousin Ally. She swept through the store, pulling every size 0 off of the sale rack and ordering the staff to bring her a Red Bull, Frappachinos, and some Jolt cola. I was really aggravated as she totally snatched the green and purple plaid pleather hot pants I'd been eyeing. Plus I was still smarting about losing all that money. I decided to wreak my revenge.

Winking at Ally, I grabbed the venti Mochachino she'd just bought and emptied 30 quick dissolving laxatives into it. Lucky thing I always have laxatives with me. How else do you think I stay so thin?

"Here you go, hon," I said, passing the explosive drink to Britney.

She immediately sucked it down. "Oooo that was good," she said, with a loud burp. "Go get me another one, pronto! Oh and something is wrong with this here pair of shorts," she said, throwing the lovely plaid pair I'd coveted at me with one meaty arm. "They are, like defective or something, go get me another pair!" I held them up and saw that she'd busted the zipper AND ripped them up the back while trying them on. I burned with rage. Suddenly it occured to me that I had my RAZR with me. Honestly, sometimes I am so slow!

"Oh my God!" I yelled. "Is that Justin Timberlake over there?"

Brit yanked back the curtain of the dressing room wearing nothing but a bikini bottom, "Where? Where?" she pleaded, looking around wildly.

SNAP!





Once I got out of the store, I called up my new friend at STAR Magazine. "I've got a photo for you! It's a Britney Spears nip slip," I gloated. "And her boob looks like a deflated beach ball! That's gotta be worth some big bucks, right?"

"Oh brother," the editor snorted. "Don't you know that naked Britney pictures are a dime a dozen? Boobs, vagina, we've seen it all. Look, I'll buy them from you so you'll quit calling me, but they are only worth ten dollars."

"Ten dollars?" I asked stunned. "Is that really the best you can do?"

"Okay, okay," she sighed. "Ten dollars and a coupon for a dollar off at In-N-Out Burger."

"Sweet!" I said. I love In-N-Out Burger.

"Oh yeah," the editor said. "I just remembered that we haven't gotten a good shot of Brit's bunghole yet. If you bring me one of those, I'll pay you $25."

"No problem," I said, and hung up. But then I remembered the laxatives. Damn! I knew she was far more likely to spend the next few hours sitting down rather than bending over, but I decided to hang around anyway. I mean, with Britney you never know.

My Rotten Luck

So I took a quick trip to Los Angeles this weekend with my lover, world famous tattoo artist Sascha Von Blaubart. You may know him better as El Hombre. We were just leaving LAX when we ran into one of my all time favorite celebrities, Kevin Federline.

"Yo Kevin, what is up?" I greeted him, thrilled, and asked him to autograph my boob. He seemed a bit down, and shook his head when I asked him if it was true that he and Britney were getting back together, but perked up immediately when I introduced him to El Hombre. Guys always start babbling about their dream tattoo whenever they meet El Hombre and Kevin was no exception. I gathered he was interested in inking Britney's bald-headed, umbrella rampage on his back with the word "certifiable" written in Old English style lettering. Hombre just nodded and yawned and tried to sneak away. When Kevin invited us back to his place for beers, I quickly accepted and glared at Hombre when he muttered something about my "bullshit, fake-celebrity obsession."

"Come on, it's for the blog," I hissed. "Just give it ten minutes?" I was dying to go check out Kevin's crib. Hombre knew I would be livid if he said no, so he grudgingly acquiesced. The man is a saint.

I was impressed by how huge Kevin's house was, but not so impressed by the decor, which consisted of wall to wall purple shag carpeting and black velvet paintings of marijuana leaves. While Kevin and Hombre discussed tattoos, I wandered around, pretending to admire Kevin's beer can collection, but mostly snooping. .I noticed KFed's young sons with Britney were visiting, and all of a sudden it hit me. No one had gotten a clear shot of baby J.J. yet. And I had my camera/phone with me. Ka-ching!

I glanced around for a nanny or bodyguard or someone who might stop me, but I didn't see anyone so I snapped away. A few minutes later, when little Sean P. nearly drove over his brother in his mini Cadillac, I grew concerned. Who was looking after the kids?



Sean Preston right before he ran over my toe. Ouch!




The nanny, where I finally found her.




Kevin, after I told him about the nanny.

As soon as we got out of there, I made a phone call to Star MAgazine. "I've got the first clear pictures Jaden James Federline for you," I crowed. "I know how valuable these are but I'm willing to settle for something in the high six figures."

The photo editor let out a wheezy laugh. "Sorry, hon, but you've been scooped," she said. "Britney just sold a picture of J.J. this weekend. It's all over the place. Your pictures aren't worth anything." Then sounding very much like Nelson from "The Simpsons" she said "Ha, ha!" and hung up. I raced over to the nearest magazine stand and found out it was true.



Can you believe my luck? After waiting all this time, Britney decides to show off Jaden James mere hours before I could have made some serious bank! Damn!

Well even though I won't be getting any money for it, I figure that you, my dear readers would be interested in seeing the picture. So here it is, my friends, my photo of the youngest Federline kid at his home.




Cute huh? I think he favors his mother in this picture.

How was your weekend?

More Questions

Why am I constantly seeing pictures of Kim Kardashian everywhere? Why is she famous just because she made a raunchy sex tape featuring Brandy's little brother peeing on her? Are golden showers really considered sexy? Am I a prude for not wanting to experience one? Does she have butt implants? What would it feel like to sit down on them? Would it be like having a hemorrhoid pillow permanently attached to your ass? What if one of those suckers deflated? If you rub Kim's butt do you think a genie might appear and grant you three wishes? What would you wish for? Do you think I should quit drinking so much espresso?

So Many Questions

Like a moth to flame, I am irresistably drawn to pictures of Tom and KAtie Cruise. I find everything about them them facinating. I mean, why did Tom cut his hair to look like Moe from The Three Stooges? Did the same person give KAtie a new do? Why does she suddenly look like a 50 year old socialite from Boca Raton? Is Posh smuggling cantaloupes in her dress? How much carrot juice would a person have to swallow to achieve such orange skin? Where did they buy those sunglasses that make them resemble Whitley Strieber's "grey aliens?" Do they sell them at the Scientology Center? Should I buy a pair? Is there a dress code for attending soccer games that I don't know about? Is Katie really pregnant, and if so, who did she have sex with? Is it just me or does the lady in the front row resemble an older, non-dead, Princess Diana?

Enquiring minds want to know.

Werewolves and Vampires and Zombies! Oh, My!

Sometimes it occurs to me that I have watched way too many monster movies in my life. For example, a few nights ago I was driving home when I realized my gas tank was just about empty (it's usual state.) So I pulled into a gas station and got out of my car to pump the fuel. Now this particular station wasn't very busy and I didn't see anyone else around. The moon must have been behind some clouds or something because it was quite dark, aside from the glow of a few street lamps. I was all alone and wearing a tight outfit, heels, and a push up bra, to boot. A smart woman in this situation would have had a can of mace in her hand and been on the lookout for rapists, kidnappers and serial killers. But I never think this way. Instead I was staring at the cemetary across the street and pondering, "if zombies suddenly rose out of those graves, would it be better to get back in the car and run them over, or spray them with gas and try to set them on fire?"

I am clueless about real danger, and worries about crime don't usually alter my day to day routine, even though they probably should. In fact most people I know are that way. (Except for my mom who has an alarm system on her house more elaborate than the one at Fort Knox.) So that makes me wonder, if monsters really existed how much would it really change our lives? Assuming that no one had any Buffy-like slaying powers, if you knew that werewolves were running around your town would you lock yourself inside at night and never go anywhere? How much do you think it would affect what you do on a scale of one to ten? (one being not at all, and ten meaning you'd never leave the house without an uzi.) I'm thinking it would depend on the monster.

Vampires: Maybe it's because of all the goth kids who live in my neighborhood or maybe it's because Tom Cruise played one in a movie, but I don't find vampires very scary or sexy. They seem kind of goofy and sad and easy to fight off. I hate getting my blood drawn at the doctors office, and when I was a kid it used to take four people to hold me down to prick my finger. Any bitch who tried to take my blood would get a beat down! If vampires were real I'd probably start wearing a crucifix and make an effort to eat more garlic. Sort of the same precautions you would use to protect against date rape. I give them a 2.


Werewolves: You only have to worry about werewolves during a full moon so they would be fairly easy to avoid. But you'd still need to keep a gun with some silver bullets around just in case. I like guns but I'm a terrible shot. Whenever I go to the range I usually end up hitting other people's targets instead of my own. If werewolves were real I'd definitely invest in some shooting lessons. They get a 5.


Godzilla: Since Godzilla only attacks Japan, it wouldn't really affect my life at all. It would be cool to watch him rampaging on TV though. I bet they'd interrupt whatever show was on to bring you live coverage of the attack, like they do with police car chases in LA. Godzilla gets a 1.


Zombies: Ever since I saw the movie "Night of the Living DEad" as a small child, I've given quite a lot of thought to preparing for zombie attacks. If zombies were real, life as we know it would be totally over. You'd spend all of your time trying to avoid being eaten and whacking off the heads of the living dead. Although maybe it would pull the world together and we would quit fighting each other in stupid wars if we had to concentrate on zombie eradication. I give them a 10.


Frankenstein: Ha ha, yeah right. Frankenstein does exist. Have you ever seen a picture of Perez Hilton? Or John Mayer for that matter. He gets a 0.


Sesame Street Monsters: Awwwww. So cute. Except for Cookie Monster. If he grabbed my cookies while I was PMS I'd beat his fuzzy, blue ass into the ground. 0.


Dick Cheney: The scariest monster of all. Impossible to destroy. I wish I knew how to protect against Dick Cheney attacks. Any ideas?

Building a Mighty Vocabulary

Are you a high school graduate? If so, the American Heritage Dictionary has compiled a list of 100 words you should know. Check it out. Since I am a total nerd, I spent hours looking up every one I didn't know, or wasn't sure about. I have to say that I think a lot of this list is pure bullshit. For instance, take the word: HYPOTENUSE - the side of a right triangle opposite the right angle.

Why would I need to know that? What possible relevance could that have to my daily life now that I have graduated from high school? I'll never run across it, except possibly as an answer to a crossword puzzle clue, and that's the sort of thing that's easily looked up. And judging from my grades, I doubt I even knew what it meant while I was taking Geometry in tenth grade. But who cares? This word is not necessary.

Here are a few more from the list that I think are stupid:

ZIGGURAT: a temple of Sumerian origin in the form of a pyramidal tower blah, blah.... Please.

YEOMAN: 1. a petty officer in the navy. 2. a farmer who cultivates his own land. pfffft.

MOIETY: one of two units into which a tribe or a community is divided on the basis of unilineal descent. Okay.

This is the kind of stuff that makes me crazy. I'd love to know who chose these words. It was some snot-nosed academic idiot, I'm sure. No one needs to know any of these.

My list of words every high school graduate should know:

DEBT CONSOLADATION

McJOB

DELINQUENT: as in, "Your payment on your student loan account is more than 30 days delinquent."

DEFAULT: failure to meet financial obligations.

WiFi

TL;DR : too long; didn't read

HYDROGENATED/PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED

OBESOGENIC: likely to cause someone to become excessively fat. As in, "Don't eat that delicious hydrogenated peanut butter, it's very obesogenic."

KRUNK

NETIZEN: a person who spends excessive amounts of time on the internet.

MEANDERTHAL: a person who is slow as molasses. As in, "Get the fuck out of my way, you stupid meanderthal!" Commonly used (by me) while driving. A handy combination of meander and neanderthal.

PASSWORD FATIGUE: the mental exhaustion that comes with trying to remember all of your various passwords to different sites.

DETOX

REGODDAMDICULOUS

WELTSCHMERTZ

ADEQUITE: Lindsay Lohan's highest compliment.

What words would you add to this list?

Today in History

June 12, 1667 - the world's first successful blood transfusion is carried out.

June 12, 1812 - Napoleon Bonaparte invades Russia.

June 12, 1994- OJ Simpson killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.

June 12, 197? - Prunella Jones was born into the world feet first, causing her mother hours (and subsequent years) of agony.


Yep, it's my birthday. Woo hoo! Which makes me a Gemini. According to my horoscope Gemini's are creative, fun, and good liars, but they are also superficial, nosy, indecisive and fickle. I can't help but believe in astrology when it hits the nail on the head like that.

Here are some quotes by others who share my birthday:

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." George Bush Senior, ex-president

"YESSSSSS! I do like to dress in women's clothing and bite people." Marv Albert, sportscaster

"I think I am virgin. That means I never put it in the butt, yes?" Adriana Lima, supermodel

"Well, gollllly!" Jim Nabors, actor


As you can plainly see, those born on June 12th are incredibly deep thinkers.

It is also National Sausage Tasting Day in Holland.


When I did a google search for June 12th this image came up:



Finish this sentence: This year for her birthday, Pru should ______ a) get dressed up, hit the bars, and end the evening puking in the parking lot like she always does. b) get the raccoon picture tattooed on her back. c) adopt an orphan and shave her head, d) go down to the Scientology Center for her free birthday e-metering. e) get some Indian food, a bottle of wine, a new book, and behave herself. f) do some coke and make out with Brandon Davis in the men's toilet of Club Skank.


Here are Five Fascinating, Never Revealed Facts about Me:

1) English is actually my second language. Being from the Inland Empire, my native language is Hick. I also understand Redneck, Homeboy, and a few words of Klingon.

2) Since I haven't been able to decide on a new hairstyle, my hair has gotten very long. It nearly reaches my waist. I like to flip it off my shoulder and pretend I'm Marcia Brady.

3) I weighed eight pounds when I was born. I now weigh more than that.

4) I was fourth runner-up in the Miss Farmbureau pagent in high school. The girl who won was totally having sex with the judges!

5) There is a mosquito bite on my left big toe. It itches.




Look, Britney is sending me a birthday greeting. Aw thanks, Britster, I love you too.

This Just In....

Paris cries!


Breaking NewS



America feels her pain at the injustice.


This Just In!




Lindsay Lohan has no comment.


Breaking News




OJ says: "Man, celebrities just can't get no breaks from the legal system!"


This Just In



Do you think Al Sharpton will find this as funny as I did?




I nearly peed my pants at this one.

PARIS PWN3D!!!!

Schadenfreude at it's finest. That's hawt!

Mary Kate!

I was at a party recently and two very drunk people told me I looked like Mary Kate Olsen. At first I was insulted. I resemble an anorexic, midget, kinkachu monkey? But the more I thought about it the more I saw the similarities. Really it's amazing! We are like one person. Check it out:

We both have long, scraggly hair, always in need of brushing.

We love to wear hooker heels.

We are quite small boned and thin, or at least I would be if it weren't for my ginormous implants and layers of flab.

We are chainsmokers- she likes Marlboro Reds, I prefer the stuff I grow myself.

We are both fashionistas who set trends wherever we go.

We like drugs. She (allegedly) loves the cocaine, while I enjoy snorting my Zoloft. We are both addicted to Starbucks.

We enjoy lining our eyes with kohl and pushing our full lips out in a simian pout. We never, ever show our teeth when we smile because we are cool like that.

We were born to entertain. She is an actress, and I shake it three nights a week at The Bikini Room.

She is a multi-millionaire, while I --- okay, I guess that's where the likeness skids to a halt. Plus I don't have a twin sister, and I've never been to rehab (although I'd love to go, it's so trendy right now) and I wasn't a child star. And at 5' 9 and 1/2, I am about a foot taller than Mary Kate. Otherwise we are dead ringers!

Test Your IQ with Brandon Davis

Do you like, know stuff? Is your IQ bigger than your bank account? Brandon and his friends have heard it's hawt to be smart. Almost as good as having rich relatives. Well not really, but it's something. Are you smarter than the beautiful people? Just take this quiz and find out.



1. Who is Brandon Davis?

A. The grandson of the late billionaire oil tycoon Marvin Davis.

B. Paris Hilton's sycophant and occasional fuck buddy.

C. The person who gave Lindsay Lohan the nickname "firecrotch."

D. An oily bohunk.

E. All of the above.


2. If you told Brandon he was perspicacious, you would be saying that he is:

A. Smart

B. Sweaty

C. Stupid

D. Sexy


3. Brandon has more money than Lindsay Lohan. Paris has more money than Brandon. Therefore, Lindsay is the poorest.

A. True

B. False




4. Which word best completes the following series? Feculent, toilet, straining, ______

A. Burrito

B. Fart

C. Butt cheek

D. Fragrant

E. They're all good.


5. Assume these two statements are true: All oil heirs are greasy. Brandon is an oil heir. Therefore the statement, Brandon is an unctuous doofus is _____

A. True

B. False




6. If you rearrange the letters I R E C R O T F I C H you would have the name of:

A. An ocean

B. An animal

C. A disease

D. Promises newest resident





7. Quaff is to Bacchanalia as Valtrex is to Paris Hilton?

A. True

B. False

C. Huh?


8. Brandon and Paris are going to meet each other halfway between their homes for a party at midnight. They live twenty miles apart. Brandon will be leaving at 11:30 p.m. and driving his Porsche at 52 mph. Paris will be leaving at 11:40 p.m. and driving her Mercedes at 65 mph. Assuming they are equally drunk, who will be the first to get a DUI?

A. Paris

B. Brandon

C. Neither, Britney will get one next.


9. Brandon wants to get fucked up. He doesn't have much cash on him, therefore he needs to get the most intoxication from the money he has. His choices today are: a bottle of vodka for $38, 1/4 gram of meth for $25, a stinky bag of weed for $60, a tube of glue and a paper bag $5. Which did Brandon choose?

A. All of them.

B. A

C. Brandon only snorts the finest cocaine.




10. Complete this sentence: "Cause I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride, I'm ________"

A. wanted dead or alive.

B. about to fall on my ass.

C. a complete tool.

D. sick of this dumb quiz.


Answers: 1.E,2.A,3.A,4.B,5.A,6.D,7.C,8.A,9.B,10.D

Scoring: 8-10 correct = Hawt
4-8 correct = Whatever
0-4 correct = Like soo unhawt. You must be poor.

Bonus: Not every blog post I write is this moronic. Not every dumb thing I think is funny will make you laugh. Therefore, we can conclude that this post will not make you laugh.

A. True

B. Every post you write IS this moronic if not worse.

C. Shut up and go take your medication.