Monday, June 18, 2007

Werewolves and Vampires and Zombies! Oh, My!

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Sometimes it occurs to me that I have watched way too many monster movies in my life. For example, a few nights ago I was driving home when I realized my gas tank was just about empty (it's usual state.) So I pulled into a gas station and got out of my car to pump the fuel. Now this particular station wasn't very busy and I didn't see anyone else around. The moon must have been behind some clouds or something because it was quite dark, aside from the glow of a few street lamps. I was all alone and wearing a tight outfit, heels, and a push up bra, to boot. A smart woman in this situation would have had a can of mace in her hand and been on the lookout for rapists, kidnappers and serial killers. But I never think this way. Instead I was staring at the cemetary across the street and pondering, "if zombies suddenly rose out of those graves, would it be better to get back in the car and run them over, or spray them with gas and try to set them on fire?"

I am clueless about real danger, and worries about crime don't usually alter my day to day routine, even though they probably should. In fact most people I know are that way. (Except for my mom who has an alarm system on her house more elaborate than the one at Fort Knox.) So that makes me wonder, if monsters really existed how much would it really change our lives? Assuming that no one had any Buffy-like slaying powers, if you knew that werewolves were running around your town would you lock yourself inside at night and never go anywhere? How much do you think it would affect what you do on a scale of one to ten? (one being not at all, and ten meaning you'd never leave the house without an uzi.) I'm thinking it would depend on the monster.

Vampires: Maybe it's because of all the goth kids who live in my neighborhood or maybe it's because Tom Cruise played one in a movie, but I don't find vampires very scary or sexy. They seem kind of goofy and sad and easy to fight off. I hate getting my blood drawn at the doctors office, and when I was a kid it used to take four people to hold me down to prick my finger. Any bitch who tried to take my blood would get a beat down! If vampires were real I'd probably start wearing a crucifix and make an effort to eat more garlic. Sort of the same precautions you would use to protect against date rape. I give them a 2.

Werewolves: You only have to worry about werewolves during a full moon so they would be fairly easy to avoid. But you'd still need to keep a gun with some silver bullets around just in case. I like guns but I'm a terrible shot. Whenever I go to the range I usually end up hitting other people's targets instead of my own. If werewolves were real I'd definitely invest in some shooting lessons. They get a 5.

Godzilla: Since Godzilla only attacks Japan, it wouldn't really affect my life at all. It would be cool to watch him rampaging on TV though. I bet they'd interrupt whatever show was on to bring you live coverage of the attack, like they do with police car chases in LA. Godzilla gets a 1.

Zombies: Ever since I saw the movie "Night of the Living DEad" as a small child, I've given quite a lot of thought to preparing for zombie attacks. If zombies were real, life as we know it would be totally over. You'd spend all of your time trying to avoid being eaten and whacking off the heads of the living dead. Although maybe it would pull the world together and we would quit fighting each other in stupid wars if we had to concentrate on zombie eradication. I give them a 10.

Frankenstein: Ha ha, yeah right. Frankenstein does exist. Have you ever seen a picture of Perez Hilton? Or John Mayer for that matter. He gets a 0.

Sesame Street Monsters: Awwwww. So cute. Except for Cookie Monster. If he grabbed my cookies while I was PMS I'd beat his fuzzy, blue ass into the ground. 0.

Dick Cheney: The scariest monster of all. Impossible to destroy. I wish I knew how to protect against Dick Cheney attacks. Any ideas?


GetFlix said...

I agree with you on zombies. They're pretty clumsy and slow, but they come at you in such numbers!! If there was just one or two, anyone could take them out.

Werewolves and vampires seem pretty European. So does Frankinstein.

Diane said...

This was David Sedaris plan for zombies . . . go to the second floor and destroy the staircase behind you - every knows zombies can't climb said...

LMAO over the Perez comment!

But....mummies, you forget the mummies! They're scary. said...

Except when they're making that gay "mwuhhhhuuhhhuuuhhh" sound.

D.O.M. Dan said...

To protect yourself from Dick Cheney - vote Democrat.

ffleur said...

For Dick Cheney: a can of Raid kills bugs dead! Yeah, thats the ticket.

My fears:
raccoons. They are sometimes in my front yard when I come home at night. In the dark, their eyes glow. They look like obese cats. Urban legend they carry rabies? I don't want to be the one to find out.

Squirrels: rodents with fluffy tails. Kinda scary.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Dick Cheney: Take his heart medication or reset one of his 17 pacemakers. Hell, I'm sure just jumping out from around the corner at him would probably give him a serious fright. If all that fails, you could try shooting him in the face...

I don't like the fast moving zombies (see: 28 Days Later) but even the slow moving ones would be a problem for me. I wear shoes that are not good for out running zombies. Plus, I'm terribly, terribly out of shape. I'd be the injured gazelle taken out first by the pack of hungry lions.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Paris and Blohan scare me more than Zombies. But zombies are very very scary.

Captain Smack said...

I used to live in New Orleans, and you get used to the vampires. They don't worry me too much. I'd give them a 1.

I love going out on a full moon, people always party a little harder, and I'm usually pretty f'd up, so carrying a gun would probably be a bad idea. So werewolves would be a problem for me. I'd probably give them an 8.

Fuck zombies. 10. I'm with you on that one.

Godzilla just accidentally steps on people as he destroys buildings, so I would classify him the same way I do hurricanes and tornados. 2.

Dick Cheney's no problem, as long as you have a microwave around. Also, he likes eating small puppies, so you can easily distract him by throwing one to him and then running away. That's what I do. I give him a 1.

Helen said...

Pru, you're drawing me out of lurksville.
Evil gunslinging midgets--watch Terror of Tiny Town (1938), yeah, you'll never look at a 3 foot tall triggerman quite the same way, 7

Mothra--I don't even like the little moths (a.k.a. millers in hillbilly), those flapping wings and fuzzy antennae would be all I need to see, 6

Swampthing--not too scary, but I've always had an aversion to grossly hideous monsters taking a liking to me, I mean you don't want to piss them off, but my god, no one wants to live in mosquito-ridden wet holes, 8

Prunella Jones said...

GF- I know! This is what has always disturbed me about zombies. They can surround you pretty fast. You'd have to be constantly vigilant. Altho chopping their heads off would make for a more satisfying day than sitting in an office pretending to work whenever the boss comes around. Not that I'd know anything about that.

Di- an excellent plan. They can't climb but I think they can still jump. You'd need something to whack them with.

Brenda- how could I have forgotten Mummies? You're right about that noise. Do you think it's because their tongues are all dried out and crumbly?

Dan- well I tried that twice but it didn't work out so well. Here's hoping the third time will be the charm!

Ffleur- funny you should mention raccoons. I'm having a problem with one now. He creeps into my backyard everyday and sits staring at my very fat cat through the patio door. I think he has fallen in love with her as she slightly resembles a raccoon and he is patiently waiting for her to step outside so he can whisk her away to his tree kingdom.

Captain Smack said...

Oh yeah. Animated dolls, or puppets that come to life.

That shit COMPLETELY freaks me out.

Prunella Jones said...

Mish- I don't think he can be killed. In fact I'm somewhat convinced he is a zombie. Or at least a demon like Pinhead.

I know what you mean about outrunning zombies. I'm in terrible shape myself. Plus it's hard to run in heels.

SG- if you are ever attacked by Paris or Blohan just pull out a camera. They will stop chasing you and start posing.

Captain- I see your point about partying during a full moon. Guns + alcohol/drugs = bad idea. I had a friend in college who was accidentally shot in the shoulder by her gun-freak boyfriend while they were both on acid. It took them an hour to notice what had happened.

Helen- oh good! Come into the light, Helen, so we can get to know you. Nobody here bites (altho I have my suspicions about Captain Smack).

Any movie named "The Terror of Tiny Town" sounds like something I need to see!

Mothra- I can't remember, did she fight Godzilla or did she help him fight something else? And it was a she, right?

Swampthing- I hear you. Swampthing was very creepy with those big rubbery lips that are all slobbery looking. He pretty much resembles all my customers down at the strip club.

Prunella Jones said...

Captain- "what's that Baby Buttons? You say I should kill Captain Smack? With this giant carving knife? Oh no, no, Baby Buttons, don't make me! Please don't make me! Oh.....if I don't you'll kill my mommy? Okay then."

LA said...

I submit for consideration:

- The visiting out-of-town parent. Fright level 10/10. Mine arrived today. Let the Valium guzzling begin!

Prunella Jones said...

LA- hear, hear! I'm always up for some Valium guzzling.

honkeie2 said...

I have a zombie shelter....want to join me ;-)

Sudiegirl said...

for dick cheney - take him hunting.

Prunella Jones said...

Honk- you make it sound positively filthy. I'll be there in a minute.

Sudie- no way! Things don't work out too well for Dick's hunting companions.

morbid misanthrope said...

It occurs to me that Dick Cheney, as indestructible as is he, would be able to protect you from all the other monsters on your list. He has to protect you--he's the vice president: that's his job.

Prunella Jones said...

Morbid- you think so? Well so far he has only seemed interested in protecting me from the dangers of having too much disposable income.