Monday, June 18, 2007
Werewolves and Vampires and Zombies! Oh, My!
Sometimes it occurs to me that I have watched way too many monster movies in my life. For example, a few nights ago I was driving home when I realized my gas tank was just about empty (it's usual state.) So I pulled into a gas station and got out of my car to pump the fuel. Now this particular station wasn't very busy and I didn't see anyone else around. The moon must have been behind some clouds or something because it was quite dark, aside from the glow of a few street lamps. I was all alone and wearing a tight outfit, heels, and a push up bra, to boot. A smart woman in this situation would have had a can of mace in her hand and been on the lookout for rapists, kidnappers and serial killers. But I never think this way. Instead I was staring at the cemetary across the street and pondering, "if zombies suddenly rose out of those graves, would it be better to get back in the car and run them over, or spray them with gas and try to set them on fire?"
I am clueless about real danger, and worries about crime don't usually alter my day to day routine, even though they probably should. In fact most people I know are that way. (Except for my mom who has an alarm system on her house more elaborate than the one at Fort Knox.) So that makes me wonder, if monsters really existed how much would it really change our lives? Assuming that no one had any Buffy-like slaying powers, if you knew that werewolves were running around your town would you lock yourself inside at night and never go anywhere? How much do you think it would affect what you do on a scale of one to ten? (one being not at all, and ten meaning you'd never leave the house without an uzi.) I'm thinking it would depend on the monster.
Vampires: Maybe it's because of all the goth kids who live in my neighborhood or maybe it's because Tom Cruise played one in a movie, but I don't find vampires very scary or sexy. They seem kind of goofy and sad and easy to fight off. I hate getting my blood drawn at the doctors office, and when I was a kid it used to take four people to hold me down to prick my finger. Any bitch who tried to take my blood would get a beat down! If vampires were real I'd probably start wearing a crucifix and make an effort to eat more garlic. Sort of the same precautions you would use to protect against date rape. I give them a 2.
Werewolves: You only have to worry about werewolves during a full moon so they would be fairly easy to avoid. But you'd still need to keep a gun with some silver bullets around just in case. I like guns but I'm a terrible shot. Whenever I go to the range I usually end up hitting other people's targets instead of my own. If werewolves were real I'd definitely invest in some shooting lessons. They get a 5.
Godzilla: Since Godzilla only attacks Japan, it wouldn't really affect my life at all. It would be cool to watch him rampaging on TV though. I bet they'd interrupt whatever show was on to bring you live coverage of the attack, like they do with police car chases in LA. Godzilla gets a 1.
Zombies: Ever since I saw the movie "Night of the Living DEad" as a small child, I've given quite a lot of thought to preparing for zombie attacks. If zombies were real, life as we know it would be totally over. You'd spend all of your time trying to avoid being eaten and whacking off the heads of the living dead. Although maybe it would pull the world together and we would quit fighting each other in stupid wars if we had to concentrate on zombie eradication. I give them a 10.
Frankenstein: Ha ha, yeah right. Frankenstein does exist. Have you ever seen a picture of Perez Hilton? Or John Mayer for that matter. He gets a 0.
Sesame Street Monsters: Awwwww. So cute. Except for Cookie Monster. If he grabbed my cookies while I was PMS I'd beat his fuzzy, blue ass into the ground. 0.
Dick Cheney: The scariest monster of all. Impossible to destroy. I wish I knew how to protect against Dick Cheney attacks. Any ideas?