Winking at Ally, I grabbed the venti Mochachino she'd just bought and emptied 30 quick dissolving laxatives into it. Lucky thing I always have laxatives with me. How else do you think I stay so thin?
"Here you go, hon," I said, passing the explosive drink to Britney.
She immediately sucked it down. "Oooo that was good," she said, with a loud burp. "Go get me another one, pronto! Oh and something is wrong with this here pair of shorts," she said, throwing the lovely plaid pair I'd coveted at me with one meaty arm. "They are, like defective or something, go get me another pair!" I held them up and saw that she'd busted the zipper AND ripped them up the back while trying them on. I burned with rage. Suddenly it occured to me that I had my RAZR with me. Honestly, sometimes I am so slow!
"Oh my God!" I yelled. "Is that Justin Timberlake over there?"
Brit yanked back the curtain of the dressing room wearing nothing but a bikini bottom, "Where? Where?" she pleaded, looking around wildly.
SNAP!
Once I got out of the store, I called up my new friend at STAR Magazine. "I've got a photo for you! It's a Britney Spears nip slip," I gloated. "And her boob looks like a deflated beach ball! That's gotta be worth some big bucks, right?"
"Oh brother," the editor snorted. "Don't you know that naked Britney pictures are a dime a dozen? Boobs, vagina, we've seen it all. Look, I'll buy them from you so you'll quit calling me, but they are only worth ten dollars."
"Ten dollars?" I asked stunned. "Is that really the best you can do?"
"Okay, okay," she sighed. "Ten dollars and a coupon for a dollar off at In-N-Out Burger."
"Sweet!" I said. I love In-N-Out Burger.
"Oh yeah," the editor said. "I just remembered that we haven't gotten a good shot of Brit's bunghole yet. If you bring me one of those, I'll pay you $25."
"No problem," I said, and hung up. But then I remembered the laxatives. Damn! I knew she was far more likely to spend the next few hours sitting down rather than bending over, but I decided to hang around anyway. I mean, with Britney you never know.
18 comments:
Pru: You are crafty! You get cash and coupons? Who needs full benefits like dental when you get perks like that? You should totally change careers and become one of the "Pavarotti" as my baby Kevin calls 'em.
Just don't take any unflattering photos of me when I become the next Mrs. Federline. Mishy Federline. Has such a classy ring to it, eh?
I know! I'm going to get myself a job at TMZ right now.
Since we are friends, I'll make sure to shoot your good side when you are out with your husband. But I must warn, Jessica Simpson totally has her eye on Kevin. She called him eight times in the hour while I was visiting. If you throw a beat down on her can you let me know so I can capture it on film?
Jessica Simpson can suck it! If she can't keep a fugly like John Mayer, there ain't a chance in hell she's getting her claws into my Kevin! Oh, it's on. I'm calling a throw-down. Jessica may be famous, but (and I hate to do this) in the words of Britney, "I'm country, ya'll!"
She's going down.
Excellent! I suggest you go for the weave first. It should be easy to rip out since everyone knows that lazy bitch Ken Paves uses glue instead of lacing.
size 0 plaid pleather hot pants . . . classic, pru!
I bet pictures of Britney's corpse would be worth quite a bit of money. Next time slip cyanide in her drink instead of laxatives. Bam! Instant corpse. Then just put the body in a hilarious, terrifying, or controversial pose and snap away. You'll be richer monetarily than the Dali Llama is spiritually, even if he is hanging out with his butt buddy Richard Gere.
You should try to get a picture of Britney reading War and Peace.
Better yet, take a picture of her reading. Anything.
I hope your camera doesn't have smell-o-vision. P-U!
I never thought it would happen, but I think the world has finally gotten enough of Britney Spears.
She managed to make that 15 minutes of hers last a long, long time though, gotta give her that.
Diane- they were, like, so hot.
Morbid- while your plan is very ingenious and would be quite lucrative, I don't think I'm the person to carry it out. Like Paris, I have a delicate constitution, and could never survive in jail as I also suffer from ADD and claustrophobia.
Captain- I believe Britney reading War and Peace is one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse? If not it should be.
GF- I thinkshe read the menu at Carl's Jr. Would that count?
LA- no doubt. Why does she always look like she smells like fried cheese?
Brenda- I'm still fond of her in a "I'd like to slap you bald-headed" kind of way. Someone recently pointed out to me that I only feature the trashiest celebs on my blog. But that's because they are the only one's who interest me. Why else do celebrities exist except to provide amusement with their idiocy?
Huzzah, that...is...why...they exist. It's no secret. That and to keep our alcohol & drug-addled minds from focusing on big brother's stripping of our natural rights (see, now I'm thinking about stripping...like a gnat, I tell you, like a gnat).
I wonder when she is going to that gang bang video? Id pay to see that lol
Helen- exactly. For some reason the idiocy of our president doesn't amuse me. It just makes me sad.
Honk- you won't have to pay for to watch her in a gang bang video. I predict one will be on the internet within the next two years.
Pru - if you are only into the trashiest celebrities, I will expect to see Pete Doherty and Kate Moss 3 times a week. Oh yeah, and don't forget the Amy Winehouse.
Okay, Brenda, I will work on it.
so, when did your eyes stop bleeding and your hearing return after witnessing such a frightening display?
PK- it's just now getting better. But whenever I think of it, "the horror....the ...horror."
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