Thursday, June 07, 2007

Mary Kate!

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I was at a party recently and two very drunk people told me I looked like Mary Kate Olsen. At first I was insulted. I resemble an anorexic, midget, kinkachu monkey? But the more I thought about it the more I saw the similarities. Really it's amazing! We are like one person. Check it out:

We both have long, scraggly hair, always in need of brushing.

We love to wear hooker heels.

We are quite small boned and thin, or at least I would be if it weren't for my ginormous implants and layers of flab.

We are chainsmokers- she likes Marlboro Reds, I prefer the stuff I grow myself.

We are both fashionistas who set trends wherever we go.

We like drugs. She (allegedly) loves the cocaine, while I enjoy snorting my Zoloft. We are both addicted to Starbucks.

We enjoy lining our eyes with kohl and pushing our full lips out in a simian pout. We never, ever show our teeth when we smile because we are cool like that.

We were born to entertain. She is an actress, and I shake it three nights a week at The Bikini Room.

She is a multi-millionaire, while I --- okay, I guess that's where the likeness skids to a halt. Plus I don't have a twin sister, and I've never been to rehab (although I'd love to go, it's so trendy right now) and I wasn't a child star. And at 5' 9 and 1/2, I am about a foot taller than Mary Kate. Otherwise we are dead ringers!


M-M-M-Mishy said...

People can make a lot of dough as celebrity impersonators, Pru! So do you look like Mary Kate only, or could you pass as Ashley if you needed to? said...

That's not a simian pout. That's duck lips!

Diane said...

I suggest putting a wig on Shirley and starting to promote yourselves as the Olsen twin look alikes at this summer's county fairs

Prunella Jones said...

Mish- Ashley is the fat twin! Of course I couldn't pass as her!

Brenda- how about a platypus pucker? The important thing is to push the lips out as far as they can go. It makes the face look thinner and you appear to be thinking very deep thoughts. My friends tell me it actually makes me look like a retarded goldfish but they are just jealous bitches.

Prunella Jones said...

Diane- as soon as I teach Shirley to do the pout we are so there! Beagles are very smart dogs, you know. Altho I can't seem to get her to stop constantly sniffing other dogs butts. That's not very Olsen like behavior. She would be much better off as a Paris impersonator. She totally has the nose for it.

Scottsdale Girl said...


Puffy lip.

Random drive by comment

T-girl said...

Don't feel bad, someone told me I looked like Cameron Diaz recently... I think I shower more often but hey whatever!

BTW- Have you seen these two smile? No wonder they never do, I am sure you look MUCH better when you crack a grin!

LA said...

I'm thinking the Olsen twins were actually triplets, and Pru was separated at birth.

morbid misanthrope said...

You'd make more chimpanzee and orangutan friends if you showed your teeth while smiling.

Prunella Jones said...

SG- always happy to have you drive by.

T- it has been scientifically proven that you burn more calories by maintaining a deadpan expression. Smiling is too easy.

LA- that's probably true. I bet they only needed twins to star in Full House so I was packed off to live with relatives in Riverside. Ashley and MK got to grow up as millionaires and I was raised to be a gauche redneck. Unfair! I'm so going to sell my story to The Weekly World News. I like their hard hitting journalism and I totally want a Bat Boy tee shirt.

Morbid- It's better to intimidate them and have them fear you. Someday I plan to teach them sign language and have them worship me as their Pope.

GetFlix said...

Hey, you could always claim to be the third triplet as part of your Bikini Room act. It could lead to more dollar tips. I am thinking Candy Ray Olsen as your stage name.

If a patron asks why you're so much taller, just tell them you ate your vegetables.

ffleur said...

Pru you are hilarious and I'm sure much cuter than MK. Besides, I don't think MK can pack away the m&ms like you do *shifty eyes* oh, sorry, that was me....

Is that Brit in your scroll?

Captain Smack said...

So you look like Mary Kate, do you? That's cool, I always thought she was pretty hawt, though she could stand to lose a few pounds. I can't get turned on unless I can actually see the organs through the skin.

Prunella Jones said...

GF- Candy Ray Olsen is an excellent stage name! Much better than the one I've been using - Betty Big Ones. Unfortunately there is already a Candy Lou working at the club. The good news is that she is pregnant and The Bikini Room has a strict policy that bans girls from dancing after their eighth month. Two more weeks and that name will be mine, ha ha!

Ffleur- thank you, my lovely friend. It's true about the M&M's. I eat the peanut ones everyday to get all the nutrients not covered by Diet Coke.

Captain- well I don't like to brag but I am so thin that the veins in my arms pop up bigger and more ropey than Angelina Jolie's. I will be Miss July in the Phlebotomists Monthly magazine Visible Veins. Check me out!