So I took a quick trip to Los Angeles this weekend with my lover, world famous tattoo artist Sascha Von Blaubart. You may know him better as El Hombre. We were just leaving LAX when we ran into one of my all time favorite celebrities, Kevin Federline.
"Yo Kevin, what is up?" I greeted him, thrilled, and asked him to autograph my boob. He seemed a bit down, and shook his head when I asked him if it was true that he and Britney were getting back together, but perked up immediately when I introduced him to El Hombre. Guys always start babbling about their dream tattoo whenever they meet El Hombre and Kevin was no exception. I gathered he was interested in inking Britney's bald-headed, umbrella rampage on his back with the word "certifiable" written in Old English style lettering. Hombre just nodded and yawned and tried to sneak away. When Kevin invited us back to his place for beers, I quickly accepted and glared at Hombre when he muttered something about my "bullshit, fake-celebrity obsession."
"Come on, it's for the blog," I hissed. "Just give it ten minutes?" I was dying to go check out Kevin's crib. Hombre knew I would be livid if he said no, so he grudgingly acquiesced. The man is a saint.
I was impressed by how huge Kevin's house was, but not so impressed by the decor, which consisted of wall to wall purple shag carpeting and black velvet paintings of marijuana leaves. While Kevin and Hombre discussed tattoos, I wandered around, pretending to admire Kevin's beer can collection, but mostly snooping. .I noticed KFed's young sons with Britney were visiting, and all of a sudden it hit me. No one had gotten a clear shot of baby J.J. yet. And I had my camera/phone with me. Ka-ching!
I glanced around for a nanny or bodyguard or someone who might stop me, but I didn't see anyone so I snapped away. A few minutes later, when little Sean P. nearly drove over his brother in his mini Cadillac, I grew concerned. Who was looking after the kids?
Sean Preston right before he ran over my toe. Ouch!
The nanny, where I finally found her.
Kevin, after I told him about the nanny.
As soon as we got out of there, I made a phone call to Star MAgazine. "I've got the first clear pictures Jaden James Federline for you," I crowed. "I know how valuable these are but I'm willing to settle for something in the high six figures."
The photo editor let out a wheezy laugh. "Sorry, hon, but you've been scooped," she said. "Britney just sold a picture of J.J. this weekend. It's all over the place. Your pictures aren't worth anything." Then sounding very much like Nelson from "The Simpsons" she said "Ha, ha!" and hung up. I raced over to the nearest magazine stand and found out it was true.
Can you believe my luck? After waiting all this time, Britney decides to show off Jaden James mere hours before I could have made some serious bank! Damn!
Well even though I won't be getting any money for it, I figure that you, my dear readers would be interested in seeing the picture. So here it is, my friends, my photo of the youngest Federline kid at his home.
Cute huh? I think he favors his mother in this picture.
How was your weekend?
15 comments:
Well at least they had the sense to give J.J. a bottle of beer. Beer drank from aluminum cans by infants is known to contribute to memory loss. Or is it blindness? I can’t remember.
I love the certifiable tattoo . . .
my friend's nephew, who is Irish and Mexican, (or a green bean as we call 'em here in so cal) got a tattoo across his shoulders in Olde English lettering that says "white irish", but it's hard to read, so it looks like "white trash"
Country Home Magazine would have been a more suitable place to shop the photos. They are after all, the All American Family.
Dan- Kevin is such a proud father. He told me that JJ has been able to open a bottle with his front teeth ever since they grew in last month. I believe you are right about aluminum cans not being healthy for infants. But it sure is cute when they crush them on their itty bitty foreheads.
Diane- I tend to steer clear of wordy tattoos. As you gain and lose weight and age, even the clearest message starts to look like drippy spray painted graffiti.
GF- true, I didn't think about that. MAybe I could take them to Trailer Park Monthly.
My weekend... I drank like a Federline, but that was about it.
I also drove before, during, and after like drinking like a Federline, but it was only a golf cart. I could have still hurt one of the Federline/Spears kids if they were sitting in the cart path. With parents like Kfed and Britney, the probably let their kids wander without supervision, so there would have been a great chance that I would have taken them out.
I, too, was out of town. Perhaps we crossed paths at LAX? I flew in and out of Reno and saw the horrific Tahoe fire from above it.
Anyhoo, I think you can still get some cash out of Better Trailer Parks and Weed Patch.
Oh my god, Pru, that was you??? Maybe you didn't see me on the oversized divan behind the ficus tree doing bumps of coke off Lindsay Lohan's stomache?? Well I understand if you didn't want to bother us, but it wasn't what it looked like if it seemed well, unseemly.
So, I was trying to keep this under wraps, but here's my little piece of news. Kevin and I are dating! Yeah, it's kinda new, we don't want to rush into anything, so that's why he's promised to wait at least three weeks before knockin' me up. He says that's how he shows "he be respectin' a woman, yo".
But, Pru! I need to know... did he say anything about me when you were talking to him? Did he mention anything about writing a song about me? His follow up to Popozao is supposed to be all about yours truly.
I;m sorry...but does anyone else think that baby probably needs a helmet?
I hate to talk junk about babies, but....well....no, I'm not going there.
Since your boyfriend is a famous tattoo artist, perhaps you can get me an appointment with him. I've been meaning to get this cool tattoo of a robot Frankenstein’s monster killing a midget Dracula, but every time I try to do it myself, it looks like an Xbox sitting on a potato. I guess when you're using a magic marker taped to a machete to tattoo, you lose something in the detail department.
Ryan- yikes! Have you been hanging out with John Stamos again? Stay away from the golf carts while drinking! Also avoid bikes, skateboards, and unicycles. Basically anything with wheels. I'd hate to see you end up in the slammer for 23 days. I hear it's quite horrifying. Like being locked in a cage and not allowed to do what you want.
LA- I do hope we can meet up someday. You must give me your number so we can hang out the next time I'm in Cali. We can drink mohitos and watch the coverage of natural disasters together. Seems like some part of California is always burning down or earthquaking. Remember the Rodney King riots? Those were fun. Nothing much ever happens in Tenn.
Helen- Helen!!! Why didn't you invite me to join you? You know I'm always up for doing a few coke bumps off of a freckled belly! Now that you mention it I do remember thinking I saw Firecrotch, but I assumed the jetlag was making me hallucinate.
Mishy- Oh you little minx, you! So your the Mish he kept referring to? You lucky girl! As a matter of fact he did throw a few lines of his new rap at me. It went something like this:
She name is Mishy
and she sexy
and she sexy
and she totally, otally, sexy, yow!
I suggested he check out this thing called a thesaurus, but I was just being bitchy. His poetry makes me burn. You are a seriously lucky girl. Can I be the baby's godmother?
SG- (raises hand) I do!
Brenda- those very far apart eyes are indicitive of something. I wouldn't be surprised to find out he has several extra toes.
Morbid- I see where you are going wrong. Machetes are for the more advanced artists. You should start out taping the magic marker to a rusty nail. Those are easier to handle. It's how Hombre learned. Okay I'll get you an appointment but I must warn you that midget Draculas are so yesterday. Midget Harry Potter's being killed by robot Clay Aikin's are more 21st century.
Pru: Well, Kevin and I plan to have several kids. He says he likes his women to be "constantly knocked up". I tried to correct him by saying, "Baby, you mean you like your womAn that way, right?" but he just shrugged it off and started texting someone.
That's a hawt song! My mom obviously doesn't know what she's talking about when she says Kevin won't be able to "support" me and the kids. She just doesn't understand our love...
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