Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Spirits Are Telling Me They Are Bored

I can see dead people.

Well okay, not really, but I'd like to. I'd like to see them, and speak to them, and have them answer me back. Who wouldn't? It would be so cool to be a medium. I have a million questions about the afterlife.

My mom and I used to watch that "Crossing Over" show where the psychic guy, John Edwards, would go over to an audience member and say something like, "I see a lady behind you with gray hair and a nice smile. She loves you very much."

And of course the person would gasp, "Grandma!" or "Mom" and start crying tears of joy. Then the psychic would deliver some sort of bland message from Grandma like, "She wants you to know she's not suffering anymore, she's happy," and the audience would break into wild applause as if something amazing had just happened instead of bullshit.

That show would piss me off to no end - tho it didn't prevent me from watching it, of course - because well, imagine being dead and finding yourself actually able to communicate with your loved ones. Would you really only want to just reassure them that you are fine and not suffering? How boring! Personally, I'd want to have a bit of fun with my relatives.

"Oh my goodness," John would say, "I see a willowy blond woman behind you and it looks like she's screaming....screaming in agony. And she's sounds like...Help me! I'm burning. BURNING!"

Rest assured, if one day a psychic ever says that to you, then it's most likely me fucking around from the spirit world after having been killed by a psychotic Twilight fan. Well, geez, I'll need to find some way to amuse myself while floating around on a cloud. What the heck else am I going to do all day, sing Kumbaya? Ugh!

Anyway, I only bring this up because I've been thinking about my dad lately. He died right around this time four years ago from heart failure. We had him cremated (as he requested) and then were kinda unsure what to do with him after that. I wanted to sprinkle him somewhere, but my mom balked, and my brother had no opinion, so dad's been sitting in an urn upstairs on top of my mom's television.

It's a pretty good resting place for him, I think. He really loved TV.

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Meet my dad. His urn doesn't really sparkle like this. It should though, IMO.

My dad and I never really got along in life, but now that he's dead I enjoy having conversations with him. Like every once in awhile, usually during a commercial break, I'll glance over at the urn and say, "Hey dad, do you know that we have a black president now? And his middle name is - get this - Hussain!"

Then I cackle a bit and picture dad's ashes whirling around in a frenzy inside of his jar.

"And guess what?" I'll continue. "Our black Muslim president is planning on making a death panel to kill off all the mouthy old people so we don't have to pay them social security."

This makes dad spin so fast the urn practically levitates.

"Since there will be no room for crips in our new communist state, Mom will probably be joining you as soon as she breaks a hip. Won't that be nice?"

At that point, I'll start to worry that the top to his container might explode and blow his ashes all over the room, so I quit taunting him. Besides, the House rerun I'm watching is usually back on by then anyway.

This morning, upon reading that Ted Kennedy died, I thought, - Oh good, now dad will have someone new to argue with. He'll love that."

Ted probably won't enjoy it, but maybe he'll luck out and there's alcohol in the great beyond. Do you think there is? This is one of the things I'd really like to hear about. Why doesn't John Edwards ask these types of questions?

Oh, that's right. He's a fraud. Duh!

You know, not too long ago a New Age-minded friend gave me a really pretty, rose quartz pendulum. I'd forgotten all about it. Ever heard of them? Basically, they are a tool that is supposed to help to help you contact the deceased. What you do is hold the pendulum above your open palm and ask it yes or no questions. If it swings back and forth that means yes. If it goes around in a circle, that means no.

Or maybe it's the opposite way? (Note to self, check on that.)

If there's nothing good on TV tonight, maybe I'll get out the pendulum and try to get in touch with my dad, or Ted Kennedy, or some other dead person. If I do make contact, is there anything you like to ask the spirits? Leave your questions in the comments and I promise I will do my best to answer them.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Restless Hearts: A Soap Opera

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It had been a long, hawt day for the residents of Casa de Prunella. But even as the sun sank into the sky, the heat index was rising higher and higher...thanks to the restless hearts inside...

(Cue the cheesy music)

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In vain have I struggled. This will not do. Stripeyhead, you must allow me to tell you how much I admire and love you.

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What? Jackie...what are you saying?

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I'm saying, I want you. I must have you! Oh, I know it's wrong, but I can't resist. You are like my own personal brand of catnip!

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But...are you sure? No, we can't...this is madness!

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Look into my eyes and tell me you don't want me.

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Oh God, I do! Lord help me, but I do!

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Well, why don't you come over here and show me, honey?

Door opens.

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Wha...what the hell is going on in here? Jackie? What are you doing with this tramp?

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Oh shit!

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Excuse me? Who are you calling a tramp?

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I'm calling you a tramp. Whore!

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Jackie! Are you just going to sit there and let your slut insult me like that?

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Baby please, baby, don't be like that. I can expla--


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Groan... Damn, that woman can hit hard!

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That's it! I've had it with you, you cad! You've humiliated me for the last time, Jackie. We're through!

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Hey guys, guess what! I can lick my nose! I interrupting something?

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Why yes, Shirley, you are. You see, I was just getting ready to call this ass an ass and smack the shit out of him.

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Naw Girl, listen up. You are the one I--


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I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! Never talk to me again!

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Wow. Guess what, Jackie? I think Stripey is mad at you. And so is Mae Mae. And my butt itches and I have fleas and some of them just jumped on you.

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Oh, woe is me! My heart is broken. And so is my schnozzle! The pain...the humiliation...the can I go on? How can I...zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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Dang these fleas!

Uh, Jackie? Do you see that weird light in the sky? It looks like...

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Oh my god! Aliens!!!


Can Jackie's heart ever mend? What about his schnozzle? Did aliens just attack? And will Shirley ever be able to get rid of her fleas???

Find out on the next episode of Restless Hearts!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Why Do I Drink?

To get drunk, of course.

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If you need me I'll be in the bar.

Monday, August 17, 2009

S'okay? S'alright!

I've been thinking about my career options lately. They aren't so great.

Sure I can make scads of money right now just by shaking my naked ass and twirling around on a pole, but that won't last forever. In these uncertain economic times, a person needs job security. That's why I've decided it would be a good idea to branch out a bit a bit and learn a skill that will always be in demand.

I've decided to become a ventriloquist.

Now, I know it won't be easy and will require lots of time and effort but I think I can do this. My mom found an old book of ventriloquist tips for me at the thrift store, and I've been practicing throwing my voice for the past few weeks. It's not really all that hard, actually. The hardest part was finding an affordable dummy. They can be quite expensive, but luckily I came across a whole boxful of puppet parts at a garage sale and was able to cobble a few together and so far so good. I think I'm a natural.

Here, let me show you a bit of my act and you guys tell me what you think, okay?

mrs. danvers

PRU: Hi everyone, I'm The Amazing Prunella and this is my friend Mrs. Danvers. Say hello to the folks, Mrs. Danvers.

MRS. D: Sinners! The day of judgment is at hand. Ye shall be judged, oh yes! Hahahahaha!

PRU: Now, now Mrs. D, what makes you say that?

MRS. D: It was written...America shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God. And they shall fall by the sword, the filthy heathens, one by one: their infants shall be dashed into pieces, their women stoned with bricks, their men castrated, their tongues ripped out, and their eyeballs gouged squishily. And no one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut shall enter the assembly of the Lord. For my god is a jealous god and those that curse his name shall have their heads chopped off and thrown into the river of blood and heads. BLOOD AND HEADS!

PRU: Whoa. That's a little bit...well, nevermind. Wanna hear a joke? Knock knock -

MRS. D: It is you who are the joke, young Jezebel! The BIBLE has much to say of you and your carnal sisters. I quote:

"Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions."

PRU: Wait....stallions?

MRS. D: Lo, shall he punish the WHORES, sending an angel with a mighty sword. And he shall stabith thee in thy guts, and ripith out thy still beating whore heart, which shall be fed to demons and lizards. Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.

PRU: Um....

MRS. D: Blood must be spilled! Yes, BLOOD - thick enough to swim in - for only then shall the TRUE believers be lifted from the kingdom of dragons --

PRU: OKAY! Thanks Mrs. Danvers, but now let's hear from some other friends, shall we? Everyone, I'd like you to meet my pal, Pete in the Box. How's it going, Pete?

paranoid pat

PETE: Are you alone?

PRU: Yes, well I mean, it's just me and a few people from the internet.

PETE: The internet? Are you crazy? Don't even go there, I'm warning you. I wrote a letter to President Bush and told him about the super computer being built in Belgium in order to warn him, but instead he took that knowledge and used it to build a giant hurricane machine. You don't really believe Hurricane Katrina was a natural disaster, do you? Cause I can assure you, it wasn't.

PRU: Whatever, okay Pete. Why don't you sing a song while I drink this glass of water?

PETE: Take a Vitamin C while you're at it and wash your hands. The government is getting ready to release the really deadly Swine flu virus this month. That stuff in the Spring was just a test. They are already building FEMA camps to lock up all the people who refuse to get vaccinated. Don't take the shot, though! It's contaminated with AIDS. And leprosy. This is all part of Obama's plan to get everyone sickly enough so he can implement his death panel of doom.

PRU: Sigh.

Okay then, moving on. Let's talk to Johnny! Hi Johnny.

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JOHNNY: Hel-lo.

PRU: How are you feeling today, Johnny?

JOHNNY: Vedy good. S'okay.

PRU: S'okay?

JOHNNY: S'okay. S'alright.

MRS. DANVERS: (interrupting) FOOLS! Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it...Malachi 2:3.

JOHNNY: Oh, oh! S'notokay! S'notalright!

PRU: Please Mrs. Danver --

MRS. DANVERS: Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, wig for a WIG!

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Ba-dah-dah! The End.

Well, that's it so far. Do you love it?

These dummies are a trip. It's almost like they have a mind of their own, or something. But I think with a few tweaks, we'll be ready to debut the act at my nephew's fourth birthday party this weekend. Kids love talking puppets so I'm sure we'll be a big hit.

Friday, August 14, 2009



I may have just accidentally swallowed a bug that landed in my tea.

I think it was just a gnat, but what if it wasn't?

What if it was something far worse?

What if it was some kind of flying, parasitic, mosquito-like thingee?

What if its laying it's filthy, squirming eggs in my esophagus right now?!

It probably is!

Parasitic, flying mosquito worm eggs that will hatch within days and make their way up my throat, and through my nasal passages into my cerebellum and burrow deep into my frontal brainial cavity!

And then the worms will settle in, feasting on what few smarticles I have left, growing fatter and fatter on my diminishing thoughts, until they are poking out of my ears like linguine and I am left a drooling idiot.

Then I'll spend my days twiddling my thumbs and nodding my head along to Jonas Brothers songs until I am hauled before Obama's newly reformed government health care's dreaded "Death Panel."

Fox News said that the Death Panel will be staffed by Dr. Hannibal Lecter, Dr. Kevorlian, and Dick Cheney. What if that's true?

They'll kill me for sure!

After harvesting my salvageable organs, of course, to sell to the highest bidder.

And then they'll grind up whatever is left of me and add it to cow feed for the extra protein.

And then...OMG!

When the cows are slaughtered and ground into meat patties and sold to grocery stores around the country, some of you will eat them.

Hamburgers containing me and my brainial cavity worm eggs.

Which will hatch in your intestines and start to multiply...

Even if you are a vegetarian you'll still get them because the wormy cow shit will be used as fertilizer to grow your soybeans and veggies, and also seep into the ground water.

OMG, I've just killed us all!!! Humanity is doomed! DOOMED! We will all be dead by 2012 because of me!

I'm so sorry.

Does anyone have a Valium? I need to go lie down for a while.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Sweet Zombie Jeebus but my mom is driving me crazy today! She's tearing up the house in a cleaning and organizing frenzy and it's really harshing my mellow. So in order to get her to shut her yap and leave me in peace, I agreed to go through a few boxes of stuff in the closet. It was mostly junk but I did find a few pictures to share with you guys.

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Here's one of me as a precious newborn with Grandpa. My mom said I cried constantly throughout the first few months of my life, and looking at this picture I can see why. I didn't want HUGS! Geez.


Hard as it may be to believe, I wasn't always supermodel gorgeous. Like many kids, I definitely went through an awkward stage. Oh well, at least my jazz hands were always fierce!


Ah memories. This one's from high school when I won the Miss Inland Empire Poultry Princess pageant. Check out the bitch in pink, you can tell she's choking with jealousy over losing to me. The very next day she tried to steal my boyfriend, but I fixed her good. I started a rumor that she was born with balls and a teeny peen and soon everyone was calling her Tammy the Tranny. Ha ha ha! After that, she got knocked up by this crazy homeless vet named Gimpy who lived behind the roller rink, and then she dropped out of school. I wonder what she's up to now?

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That's Grandmaw Jones at Christmas. She's so easy to buy presents for.

uncle frank

Here I am as a rebellious young teen hanging out with my Uncle Frank at his trailer in Hemet. God, just look at that picture! It's so crazy! I mean, can you believe I actually used to drink Bud Light? Eww!


Oh yeah, this one's from my wedding. Did I tell you I got married once? Probably not, it's a really sad story. You see, immediately after we exchanged vows, my new husband was abducted by a UFO. It was incredibly traumatic, as the aliens beamed up all the champagne along with him. And it was the spendy stuff too, not cheap swill! We got a discount because his cousin owned a liquor store. I was utterly heartbroken and still am.

Damn you, aliens, for taking away the only man I'll ever love!!! Oh Sam, I'll never forget you,... ur...shit, I mean Stan. That's right, Stan. The best 45 minutes of my life was the time I spent as Mrs. think it started with a B. I'll ask my mom, she'll know.


Hmmmm, I think this pic is from the 2008 Gathering of the Juggalos festival. Or maybe 2007...anyway, good times. Woo woo, Riverside 'Lo's representin', y'all!


Hey, this one is pretty recent too. LOL, I don't even know who these people are. I was just shopping for rugs one day after visiting the wig store, and noticed this group of hipsters getting photographed, so of course I jumped in.


My shades are definitely the hawtest, don't you agree?