Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Case of the Soggy Bottom Scratcher

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we are here today to discuss the case against one, Jackie "kitteh buddy" Waffles. He is being charged with reckless scratching, scattering water all over the carpets, and ruining a Calgon moment. After hearing her testimony I'm sure you will agree with the plantiff, Prunella Jones, that Jackie is guilty on all counts.

Now tell us, Prunella, what happened on the night in question.

PRU: Well, it was very cold and I'd had a long day. I decided to take a nice hot bath and relax. It was great. I poured in this flowery-scented bubble stuff that someone gave me from an expensive boutique, put on a moisturizing facial mask, made a cup of tea and settled in for a long soak. Then, of course, who pokes his head in the door but Old Doofus.

He padded into the bathroom and looked at me, and I was like, "get lost you little freak", but he wouldn't take the hint and jumped up on the side of the bathtub.

Exhibit #1:

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The scene of the incident.

Q: And then what happened?

PRU: He got very interested in the bubbles and started smacking them with his paw. I flicked water at him, hoping he would go away but it didn't work. He doesn't mind water like most cats do. He often uses his paw as a cup to drink out of his water bowl, for instance. He's also been known to poke his head in the toilet. In my house we call him The Turd Batter.

Q: What does that mean? Does he actually....uh....bat turds around?

PRU: Well, he loves to watch the turds circling around and around the toilet bowl after you flush. It takes them a while to go down because my plumbing is so terrible. He has been known to try and grab a turd on it's way down. That's why I never kiss his paws. God knows where they've been.

Q: O-kaaay, getting back to the incident --

PRU: Yes, sorry to gross you out. Anyway, as I said he was perched on the side of the tub smacking at the bubbles when he lost his footing and fell into the water with a big splash. I was super pissed because I just knew it was going to happen and it did. Plus he scratched the crap out of my leg.

Q: I see. Did it hurt?

PRU: Hell yes it hurt! The bitch has got some serious claws! Then he was trying to jump out but couldn't because he was so bottom heavy. I had to get up and put my bathrobe on so I could haul him out without getting scratched again. And then he took off like a shot before I could towel dry his fur and scattered water everywhere.

Exhibit #2:

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The injury.

Next Witness, Sarah Jones.

SARAH: I remember that night well. I was sitting on my bed watching Dancing With the Stars and doing the crossword puzzle in an old issue of People magazine when Jackie slunk into the room. By the way, what is a three letter word for a rapper Dr. ___?

Q: Dre?

SARAH: No, it needs to start with a J.

Q: Nevermind. Tell us what happened with Jackie.

SARAH: Well, like I said, he came slinking in and jumped on my bed. I screamed because he was totally wet and dripping all over my clean sheets. I said, "Scat, you nasty boy!" I didn't know he'd been in the bathtub. I asummed he'd fallen in the toilet since he's always looking in there, and I didn't want toilet water on my linen.

Q: And you were upset?

SARAH: Yes, he ran under the bed so no one could reach him and left a big wet spot on my carpet.

The plantiff rests, your Honor.


DEFENSE: Meow. Meow. Meeeeow. Meow. Meeow. Me......zzzzzzzzzzzzz

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The defendant fell asleep during his testimony.

JUDGE: I see. I hereby find the defendant, Jackie Waffles, guilty on all counts and sentence him to a regular claw trimming. I also strongly urge the owner to keep her toilet lids closed. That is just disgusting.

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The punishment.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Saturday, November 22, 2008

A Word About The Twilight Movie

I'm a big fan of vampires. They've been creeping me out since childhood. And, being a girl, I also enjoy glittery sparkling things. However....


WTF? What kind of Sesame Street crap is this? Vampires are supposed to be scary and sexy and tragic. They do not glitter like My Little Pony dolls. Geez! Talk about two great tastes that taste so WRONG together.

You know, I flipped through the Twilight book when it became so huge just to see what the deal was. And I couldn't believe it. Vegetarian vampires that sparkle like diamonds in the sunlight??? Really? Puh-lease.

My inner goth girl was filled with disdain so I never read the series.

That said, I am getting ready to go see this shitfest in a few minutes. Yeah, my inner goth girl is sneering and kicking me with her pointy black boots but she'll just have to suffer. The group I'm going with are all dying to see this tale of twinkling fiends, so Twilight it is!

I'm looking forward to it actually. Movie popcorn always tastes so much better than the microwave stuff.

Monday, November 17, 2008

My Busy Week

Wow, I can't believe it's Monday again already. Where does the time go? It's crazy how much I've been posting lately. Very unlike me. Some might think it's because I'm super duper broke and have nothing else to do besides sit home surfing the internet. Don't you believe it, friends. Ha ha, nothing could be further from the truth. My life is all about non-stop famous people and sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I'm just posting a lot in order to share my experiences with those more glamour deprived than myself. I'm all about sharing, you see?


Recently I ran into the Kardashian sisters at the Victoria's Secret fashion show. Too bad I was cut out of the photo (damn paps!) or you could have seen that I was wearing the exact same dress as they, only mine was deep purple with orange and puse stiching and cutouts over the nipples. The fashion show was a big bore so we took turns flinging spit balls at the models and putting gum in Paris's hair extensions. Afterwards we went out for $18 cocktails at The Ivy where we chatted and gossiped for hours until it was time for Kim's butthole bleaching appointment. Well, I was having so much fun that I decided to tag along and get one of my own and wowza! - it hardly stung at all and now it looks all nice and snowy white back there!


For some reason John Mayer didn't seem all that thrilled to see me the other day. That may be because I spray painted his car with the word "Douchebag" after he didn't call me when he said he would. How dare he! I mean, we spent three magical hours getting busy in the pool and another thirty minutes humping in a jacuzzi, so when he said he'd call I believed him. Let me tell you, no one makes a fool of Prunella Jones and gets away with it!

Note to self: Buy some more black spray paint and consult urbandictionary.com for more creative ways to call someone an asswipe.


This week I also aquired my very own stalker which is actually kind of cool. (In Hollywood you are nobody without one.) Jessica Alba just won't leave me alone. She's been jealous of me for years, you know. And then we got drunk and had crazy sex that one time and she just went bonkers! Told me I was the love of her life and that she couldn't live without me. Well, I was touched of course, but gently explained that I preferred to be wild and free like a butterfly, etc. and yadda yadda. Then I got her some Prozac and introduced her to that guy she married. Everything seemed fine and I assumed they were happy together with their little baby, but I guess not. Yesterday there was a note in my mailbox - written in either blood or Chanel's Vamp Red nail polish, it's hard to tell them apart - warning that she was going to kill me if I didn't come back to her. I sort of laughed it off until I saw her sitting outside of my house this morning with an ax! Damn! I had to sneak out the back and was nearly late for my tanning bed session. She must be off the meds or something!


Oh Justin Timberlake! Isn't he so cute? He's letting the world know that we slept together five - count 'em - five times. Actually, it would have been six but he got miffed when I put on that Britney wig and started singing "Hit Me Baby One More Time." Who would have thought he would still be so sensitive about that after all these years?


Kirsten Dunst and I only slept together four times. I'm a busy woman, you know. Although...hmmmmm...looks like I'm free tonight. Kirsten, call me!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Grinder's Switch, Sweet Table Wine ($10) "Pearl": A Review

Attention wine lovers. Are you looking for a fine wine to serve your guests this Thanksgiving holiday? Or perhaps a wine that will pair nicely with a supermarket pizza and Saturday Night Live? Me too. I like wine a lot. I don't drink it very often but when I do I look for good quality in a bottle. Or box. Whatevs.

Of course being poor I don't usually spend more than $15. There are plenty of brands to choose from at that price. Some are tastier than others but honestly, I've never tried a wine that I thought was completely undrinkable.

Until recently that is.

The other day I went to pour myself a glass of wine only to discover there wasn't any left. I was really bummed as it was late and in Tennessee you can only buy wine in liquor stores. The closest one was ten miles away and probably closed. I cussed very loudly.

"Why don't you open one of those nice bottles of wine I bought you from Minnie Pearl's house?" my mom suggested.

My mom loves to take those YMCA senior citizen bus tours of the Grand Old Opry stars houses and she'd thoughtfully brought me back two bottles from the winery at Minnie Pearl's estate. I'd been pretty jazzed about it till I noticed the label read Sweet Table Wine. Now I'm not a wine snob but the word "sweet" seems to be code for "tastes like sugary cough syrup."

"Did you taste this before you bought it, Mom?"

"No," she'd said. "You know I don't care for wine. But the saleslady said it was very good."

Oh boy! I stashed the bottles in the back of the pantry and promptly forgot about them till she reminded me.

Well, lushes can't be choosers. When faced with the possibility of no wine with dinner I decided to open one. How bad could it be?

Grinder's Switch Sweet Table Wine pairs well with a loaf of Publix brand white bread and a shot of insulin.

The answer is: It was the worst tasting shit ever! And I've had Boones Hill Farm and grape-flavored Cisco.

The first sip made my cavities vibrate. The second sip nearly caused them to explode. If I'd dared a third sip, I might have been on the ground in a diabetic coma. I'm unsure what grapes were used to make "Pearl." The label doesn't say. Probably not Chardonney or Sauvignon Blanc as there were no buttery notes or underlying flavors of oak to be found. It was sort of like drinking warm corn syrup with maybe a hint of blue raspberry Kool-Aid. I had to spit it in the sink before my teeth disintegrated.

If you are looking for a way to convince that alcoholic loved one to go to rehab then you might consider giving them a bottle of Grinder's Switch. It just might spur them into treatment. Otherwise save your money.

To summarize, this stuff is bad. Very, very bad. Hee hee he haw haw blecccch!

So bloggers, tell me. Do you have any recommendations for a good cheap wine? What is your favorite?