Sunday, May 24, 2009

To All My Friends

Why is every movie that I really love so damn hard to find on DVD? Why must they be so annoyingly obscure?

I have a hankering to open a bottle of wine and watch Barfly this weekend, but every online link I've found so far has been dead and none of the local video stores carry it.

See, this is why Blockbuster sucks. They have five hundred copies of The Hannah Montana Movie and every big action piece of crap that Tom Cruise ever starred in, but not a Mickey Rourke flick made in 1987? None of the clerks have even heard of it? Come on!

In desperation I turned to Amazon figuring I'd just buy the DVD but that was not to be either. It's out of print now and selling for $250.


If you are rich and enjoy unconventional movies, then I highly recommend that you snap up a copy right this minute. (And then send it to me after you've watched it, okay?) You won't regret it.

Barfly is one of my all time favorite films. This movie just has everything. A quirky plot where nothing much happens, a cheerfully obnoxious drunken lout for a hero, lots of sly, lunatic humor, Mickey Rourke when he was hawt, numerous funny and profound lines that I find myself quoting over and over, good poetry, a raggedly glamorous Faye Dunaway throwing a beat down on dainty little Alice Krige in a very Dynasty moment, and the best performance of Frank Stallone's career.

Of course, this is the only Frank Stallone performance I've ever seen, but he really does a good job. His mustache is particularly outstanding.

Barfly was written by the boozer poet Charles Bukowski, and is one of those movies you either love or can't stand. Someone once sniffly told me he hated it because it's an unrealistic portrayal of alcoholics and he thought it glorified the life of a Skid Row bum.

Okay, I can see that point of view. Personally though, I'm glad there isn't a preachy message of repentance at the end and the characters all remain adamant drunks. Geez, it's a movie! If I want realism I'll go watch an episode of Intervention.

Here is one of the fight scenes between Mickey and Frank Stallone's mustache, featuring Frank's great line, "I'd hate to be you if I were me!"

Check out the blonde chick at 3.39. Now that's acting!

Have you seen this movie? If so, what did you think of it?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Past, Present, And Future Avatars

My mom was complaining to me on the phone the other day about her wrinkles. She said she was considering getting some Botox, or maybe even a face lift.

"Why would you want to do that?" I asked her. "Don't you realize how lucky you are? Being an old lady is the ultimate disguise! You can get away with all kinds of stuff now. No one ever suspects the sweet old granny!"

She thought I was joking but nothing could be further from the truth. I really love old ladies and am really looking forward to becoming one myself. It seems like it will be very liberating, don't you think?

I mean, sheesh, there will be no messy periods to suffer through, no more worries about staying pretty and keeping my body firm and thin, and if you think I cuss a lot now, just wait until I no longer feel the need to conform to even the bare minimum of socially acceptable behavior. It will rock!

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Who's gonna to mess with me? You? Sheeeeiiit.

When I'm old I will eat want I want, drink as much as I want, get loud and mouthy while stating my opinions (no one ever tells Grandma to shut up!), and keep busy by heckling and pestering the politicians I find loathsome. I'd enjoy that much more than playing bingo.

If weed is still illegal in thirty years, I will perform civil disobedience by growing pot plants in my backyard to share with other seniors. IMO marijuana keeps you spry. I mean, look at Willie Nelson. The man is in his 70's and still plays a zillion concerts a year even though he smokes more weed than Cheech and Chong put together.

If it is legal, maybe I'll open up a hemp bar like they have in Amsterdam. Hell, I wish I could do that right now! How dare the government deny me my right to practice capitalism! Jeez, you'd think the Republicans would be all for that, but no, they prefer the boners they get from trying to legislate morality. Maybe I'll just take my cane to Washington and beat down a few senators. Might as well spend my last years having fun before it's time to meet Jesus.

Hopefully I'll be a cute old lady with big saucer eyes and rosy pink cheeks, the better to fool them all. That way when I end up working as a WalMart greeter no one will ever believe that I am ripping off everything in the store that's not nailed down and selling it for discount out of the back of my truck. And when I hand customers a cart and say, "Welcome to WalMart, Lardass!" with a sweet smile, they'll figure they must be imagining things. Surely that darling little granny didn't just insult them, did she?

If called on it, I'll just act confused, maybe even cry if necessary. Heh heh.

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Good Lord how I love Betty White. Isn't she the coolest chick ever? She was always my favorite of The Golden Girls. Look at her - all pretty and neatly coiffed and unafraid of splattering your brains all over her lovely camel coat.

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Fuck those Red Hat clubs! I'm getting me a gun!

I really need to take shooting lessons because there is nothing cooler than an old babe who can handle a firearm like a pro. Just look at these pictures and tell me these broads aren't badass.

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Where's my senior discount, bitch?

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When I say get off my lawn, I ain't playing.

You know, I've always wanted to get a gun and shoot out a television screen for no reason just like Elvis was rumored to do every so often. Blowing away an entire wall of TV's would be even better, wouldn't it? Every time I pass by a Sears I imagine how sweet it would be to pull a giant handgun out of my purse and take down every TV set in the electronic section.

Of course, I'd never dare do anything like that now, but in thirty years? Hell yeah! That's when I can blame it all on senility.

No wonder they call them the golden years.

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No my name ain't baby, it's Prunella. Miss Jones if you're nasty.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

If I Could Be Like Mike...

Did you know that former Arkansas Governor (and God's favorite little soldier) Mike Huckabee is an amazing poet? Well, it's true. Click here to see just how bad he is.

It gave me a chuckle anyway, and inspired me to write a few horrible poems of my own about this matter. Here they are.

Hey Ho, Let's Go!

so very mad at Pelosi.

Republicans WILL NOT abide
lying liars who just might have lied
and for once I'm on their side.

We really should investigate
this Nancy Pelosi chick,
right after the war crimes trials
of Rumsfeld, Condie, W. and Dick!

Limericks Are Sinful

There once was a big douchebag named Mike
whom only Chuck Norris could like
although torture is fine
Nancy should resign
Waa waa go cry some more, bible thumper.

Huckabee Douchbuggeree

There was an old dork named Michael Huckabee
stuffed full of fail and lots of suck-a-ree
tried to impress Rush Limbaugh with poetic fuck-a-ree
poor old dumbass Huckabee the wanna-be.

Too much fun, I could do this all day. Bring on the investigation, GOP! Let's see exactly how much and when Nancy knew about the Bush administration's ordering of torture. Wheeee! I could probably get a chapbook out of all the poems it would inspire.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

This one goes out to Gunner Sykes. Ha ha ha, the day of miracles (and hot smelly gas) has come! Halleujah!

Not This Story Again....

I don't know about you, but I am sick to death of hearing about and from Miss California, Carrie "the bible says gays are evil" Prejean.

"Oh noes! I didn't win a beauty pageant because the way I answered a question revealed my vapid ignorance and intolerant attitude. Therefore, my right to free speech was obviously violated. Waaa waaa."

Does anyone else find it ironic that she is whining (wrongly) about her First Amendment rights being denied because she said she is in favor of denying gays their right to marry?

And now she's on every news show and will probably end up getting a book deal out of the whole thing. Goddamn, I HATE the way this country rewards mediocrity.

Fuck you, Carrie Prejean! Perez Hilton was right, you ARE a stupid bitch, and I hate you for making me agree with Perez Hilton because he sucks too!

It figures that Sarah Palin would stick up for her. Sarah is another brainless former beauty pageant contestant with zero understanding of tolerance, respect and equality, who cries about being a victim of the mean old liberal media.

ATTENTION LIBERAL MEDIA: This bitch's 15 minutes of fame need to be over! Sarah Palin's have been over for ages. Can we please kick these two redneck, trailer trash idiots back to the obscurity they both so richly deserve? That's not too much to ask for, is it?

What and/or who are you sick of hearing about lately?

Friday, May 15, 2009

I Like To Move It: The Virtual Lapdance

Hooray, I'm feeling much better today! I'm so happy not be coughing all over the place. I feel like shaking my ass like a Polaroid picture.

Wanna see me wiggle it just a little bit? Here you go.

avatars myspace at

My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps! (Check it out)

Whoot! There it is!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Why I've Been MIA

I know what you've been thinking.

You've all been on the edge of your seats wondering, "Where in the world is Prunella Jones?" while humming that Carmen Sandiego song, right?

Okay, probably not. (Curse you!)

Where have I been, though? Was I out taking the virginity of all three of the Jonas Brothers?

Nah, I already did that back in January.

me and the jonas bros

Actual photo of me with the Jonas Brothers, hours before I made them into men. Well, that is, I made two of them into men. The prettiest one turned out to be strictly dickly, unfortunately.

Was I out partying?

my pimped pic!
This hat is much more comfortable than it looks.

Usually that's a safe bet, but nope, not this week.

Well then, obviously I must have been hanging out in a creepy old hotel in Colorado with my twin sister, Mary Kate, wearing fabu ball gowns and practicing bulimia, right?


Actually, we are not bulimic! Bulimia is sooo yesterday. We are anorexic. Duh!

Surprisingly the answer is no. I haven't been feeling well enough to do anything much -well, besides play around with Blingee - I have been sick as shit. I think I may have even had (cue the scary music) THE SWINE FLU!

I'm not sure if I did or not since I didn't go to a doctor. But, damn, was I ever sick! Holy shit! I could barely get out of bed most of the week.

It started on Friday. I was feeling a Not bad, but not so good as usual. My energy was really low.

On Saturday I woke up with a sore throat, but I figured I could power through, so I swallowed a ton of Vitamin C, loaded my pockets with zinc lozenges, and went on to Earl's.

Attention Classy Earl's customers: I'd like to apologize for coughing in your faces like that. Hopefully all the alcohol you guys were guzzling killed any flu germs that may have drifted your way.

Also, to the Asian gentleman with the Buddy Holly glasses: I was just joking when I said that my spitting a zinc lozenge on your lap cost extra. I did it accidentally while trying to suppress a cough and tried to play that off to cover my embarrassment. Thanks for the extra twenty though!

By Sunday morning I realized that I could be dying, so I took to my bed and stayed there. It really sucked.

I looked up the symptoms of Swine Flu on the CDC website. Basically, it's just the same as the regular flu, headache, fever, sore throat, lethargy, lack of appetite and coughing (lots and lots of coughing.) I also had a bit of runny nose and some nausea. It could have just been regular flu, I guess. If so, it was really hideous one. I hardly ever get sick usually, and when I do I'm able to shake it off after a day or two, but this - holy crap! This was horrible!

At one point I actually called a friend and asked her to get in touch with Dr. Kevorkian for me. He's out of jail now, right?

Anyway, I'm glad to be feeling better. Still not 100% but much, much better than yesterday. Hallelujah and praise almighty Xenu!

Bad as it was though, I gotta say I had some really amazing ideas while feverish. Super genius stuff! Like, it occurred to me that once we get this cloning stuff down pat, we should totally clone Jesus. Wouldn't that be cool? If we did that, we would - in essence - be becoming gods ourselves by bringing the messiah back to the world on our terms instead of waiting for God to get around to it. Can you imagine? The fundies would go apeshit! Especially when Jesus told them all to quit being such hypocritical cocks. Oh man, I would love that so much! I'd spend the end of days laughing my ass off.

"But Pru," you are probably thinking, "we'd need some of Jesus' DNA in order to clone him. We don't have any."

Yeah, I know. That bugged me too. Then it hit me. We could use The Shroud of Turin. If it's the real deal we should have no problem getting DNA from it. And if we can't, then that would prove once and for all it's a fake. Good idea, huh?

While in my feverish state, I also decided that we should clone Rasputin. Mostly because I was a history major and have always been intrigued by his hypnotic eyes and rags to riches to freaky death story.

Okay, that last part is a lie. I really want to clone Rasputin because he was rumored to have a twelve inch dick which he used to fuck the ladies of the Russian court all night long. Supposedly he could go for hours and hours. Therefore it is crucially important that we clone this guy. I need him to be my sex slave.

Not that I wouldn't welcome Jesus as a sex slave too. Of course, I'd love that! What girl wouldn't? But I figured he'd be too busy helping the sick and poor and casting the money changers from the temple and stuff. He probably wouldn't have enough time to get busy with me. :(

Anyway, one of them really needs to rise again, don't you agree? And by them, I mean either Jesus or Raputin's giant schlong.

I know what I'd vote for. Which would you pick?

So to summarize, the swine flu (or whatever it was) really, really sucked ass. I'm very glad I survived it. And, we need to ferry some of that stimulus money to a cloning program STAT!

How was your week?

Friday, May 08, 2009

Repressed Memories

Just out of curiosity, I decided to take Words suggestion and google the phrase "Buck up, little soldier" to see if it came from some place legitimate or if I'd made it up. Right away I found this poem:

Carry On

It’s easy to fight when everything’s right,
And you’re mad with the thrill and the glory;
It’s easy to cheer when victory’s near,
And wallow in fields that are gory.
It’s a different song when everything’s wrong,
When you’re feeling infernally mortal;
When it’s ten against one, and hope there is none,
Buck up, little soldier, and chortle:

Carry on! Carry on!
There isn’t much punch in your blow.
You’re glaring and staring and hitting out blind;
You’re muddy and bloody, but never you mind.
Carry on! Carry on!
You haven’t the ghost of a show.
It’s looking like death, but while you’ve a breath,
Carry on, my son! Carry on!

And so in the strife of the battle of life
It’s easy to fight when you’re winning;
It’s easy to slave, and starve and be brave,
When the dawn of success is beginning.
But the man who can meet despair and defeat
With a cheer, there’s the man of God’s choosing;
The man who can fight to Heaven’s own height
Is the man who can fight when he’s losing.

Carry on! Carry on!
Things never were looming so black.
But show that you haven’t a cowardly streak,
And though you’re unlucky you never are week.

Carry on! Carry on!
Brace up for another attack.
It’s looking like hell, but -- you never can tell:
Carry on, old man! Carry on!

There are some who drift out in the deserts of doubt,
And some who in brutishness wallow;
There are others, I know, who in piety go
Because of a Heaven to follow.
But to labour with zest, and to give of your best,
For the sweetness and joy of the giving;
To help folks along with a hand and a song;
Why, there’s the real sunshine of living.

Carry on! Carry on!
Fight the good fight and true;
Believe in your mission, greet life with a cheer;
There’s big work to do, and that’s why you are here.
Carry on! Carry on!
Let the world be the better for you;
And at last when you die, let this be your cry:

Robert W Serviceman

As soon as I read the first line, bells went off in my brain and I remembered that my dad had a framed copy of this poem hanging in the bathroom when I was a kid. Duh!

I don't know why I'd forgotten about it. My brother and I used to say that to each other all the time in our daily verbal abuse.

"Hey, guess what? Jesus hates your guts."

"That's okay, I'm still gonna greet life with a cheer. Jesus can just kiss my rear."

"That's right, buck up little soldier. Even though you're so stupid you make Jesus, and every other guy who sees you want to puke. Carry on anyway. Carry on, I say!"

"Yeah, I labor with zest and give of my best and you should too. Even though you are a balding dwarf elf who will die a virgin. Carry on! Carry on! "

"I may be unlucky, but I am never weak. I will carry on, though my sister is a freak. With a face that makes the angels shriek. Carry on!"

"Very good little soldier, fight the good fight and true. Though you look like a turtle and smell like a zoo. Damn, Jesus really must hate the heck out of you. Carry on!"

"Okay, who said the D word?!" my dad would shout. "I heard it! Both of you go to your rooms right now!"

How could I have forgotten that poem? It's probably had at least as big an influence on my own poetry as Dr. Seuss. I also liked the one that went "This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one's mine..."

Jeez. No wonder I'm so bucked up.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Q and A and TMI

Bill Stankus from Just A Moment Of Miscellany tagged me with this long questionnaire.

1. What are your current obsessions?

Lately I enjoy finding old pictures at the the thrift store and "improving" them by painting or gluing inappropriate stuff into the pic. Sort of like a 3D version of Blingee, I guess.

Like, I found this old photo of an angel watching over some kids on a bridge.

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It's sweet, huh? But it would be much cooler if the angel was chasing the kids instead, don't you think? As soon as I can find a clear pic of one, I'm going to put a chainsaw in her hands and then alter her expression slightly to make her look insane and the kids more freaked out.

I'm also digging this gif of Christopher Walken. (Hats off to whoever made it.)

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Whoa, psychedelic. Hopefully this isn't giving you a seizure.

It would be fun to make something similar. Perhaps one of me naked, holding a chainsaw and floating through space?

I like to do these "art projects" even though they are completely dumb. Hey, it keeps me off the streets!

2. Which items from your wardrobe do you wear most often?

Jeans, tee shirts, and my Jesus sandles are what I wear for hanging out at home. If I'm going out then it's nicer jeans, nicer tees and hawt shoes.

3. What's for dinner?

I don't know, what do you feel like cooking?

4. Last thing you bought?

Some L-lysine for my canker sore. It's much better today BTW.

5. What are you listening to?

A Ghost Is Born by Wilco. Love that band so much! Can't wait for their new album.

6. If you were a god/goddess who would you be?

Probably Eris, the Greek goddess of chaos and mischief. Heh heh.

7. Favorite holiday spots?

Anyplace I've never been to before.

8. Reading right now?

The Portable Obituary: How the Famous, Rich, and Powerful Really Died by Michael Largo. I'm a sucker for trivia books and anything morbid.

9. Four words to describe yourself.

Just four? That's hard. I'm really fascinating! Let's see....Dreamer, Slacker, Philosopher, and Dork.

10. Guilty pleasure?

Tons, but does it count if I don't really feel guilty about them?

11. Who or what makes or made you laugh until you’re weak?

Well, I love the show It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. The episode "Charlie Gets Molested" nearly made me pee my pants. I like outlandish, absurd type humor.

12. Who or what makes you so angry you could scream?

Joe the Plumber and Sarah Palin represent everything I hate about America. I would happily throw feces at them if I ever got the chance.

13. Planning to travel to next?

My mom is making go to my aunt's wedding anniversary party this summer. Since they live in Atlanta I'll be forced to drive through Georgia again - shudder - other than that no plans, but I'm open to anything. You never know.

14.Best thing you ate or drank lately?

It wasn't all that lately, but the best thing I ever ate was a deep fried Mars Bar. Damn, that was good! Also, if I were super rich, I swear I'd be fatter than Oprah from going to fabulous four star restaurants every single night, and being able to throw back the finest vodka and caviar whenever I felt like it (which would be often.)

15.When did you last get tipsy?

Probably last weekend.

16. Favorite ever film?

Rubin and Ed. I don't know why this movie is so obscure. I haven't been able to find a DVD of it, which sucks because it's so great. It's about an eccentric, unsociable, young man who is forced by his mother to make some friends before she'll return his stereo to him. He is joined on a trip through a desert by a pyramid-scheme salesman, as they search for a location to bury a frozen cat. Who wouldn't love that? Plus Crispin Glover, my all time fav actor, is in it.

17. Care to share some wisdom?

Sure. Unfortunately, I don't have any. Sorry. :(

18. If you could change one thing in your life what would it be?

I'd love to be stinking rich. (Sorry for stealing your answer, Bill.)

19. What are your blog turn-ons and turn-offs?

I enjoy clever posts and people who seem like they'd be a lot of fun to hang out with. Also, anyone who challenges me to look at the world a little differently. I'm forever getting crushes on various bloggers.

Turn-offs include people who use their blogs in place of therapists. Come on! I understand and all but it gets really dull. I get tired of saying "buck up, little soldier" constantly.

20. Favorite website? I go there several times a day, every day.

The End

Okay, I now hereby tag everyone who has not already done this one. You know who you are.

The rules are as follows: you've got to answer all the questions, change one and then add one.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009


I have a giant canker sore in my mouth that hurts like hell. It's been brewing up for the last few days on the top right hand corner inside my upper lip. I took some Vitamin C last night hoping to quell the ulcer before it got explosive, but it must have been too late. This morning I woke up feeling like a nuclear bomb had gone off inside my mouth. My upper lip is so swollen it resembles Lisa Rhinna's hemorrhoidal trout pout. Gah! What can I do to get rid of this thing?

I googled home remedies for canker sores and here are the ones I've tried so far:

1. Put salt on it. It may burn a little, but that means its working.

Cool, I thought. I've got salt right here in the cabinet. Let me just rub a little on......Yeow! Who the hell suggested this one, Dick Cheney? It burned like a motherfucking fire from the depths of almighty hell. I had to rinse it off immediately, but even so it still throbbed for an hour afterward. Not recommended.

2. I've had an old family remedy of baking soda mixed with a little water to make a paste. Just dab a bit on and although it might sting for a minute, it shrinks and gets rid of the sore within 2 days.

This one didn't sting too bad, but it doesn't seem to have helped. Plus the baking soda paste keeps dissolving and oozing down my throat. Yucky.

3. Just dab some honey on your sore and boomb, it'll reduce the pain almost immediately and will heal the canker in as short as a day.

Nope. It is tasty however.

4. Gargle with Peroxide!

I don't have any. My mom has some Lysterine which would probably be about the same thing. I'd rather not try it though, because I suspect that will burn even worse than the salt.

5. Avoid eating potato chips!

Well, duh!

6. Apply a wet black teabag to the ulcer. The tannins relieve the pain.

I only have green tea, but I tried this and it does work a little bit.

7. Just take a little earwax from your ear and apply it to the canker sore. It's said to be a sure cure. It may have some antiseptic value, and it may protect the sore.

Ewwww. No.

8. Avoid stress.

Well, it's a bit late for that now. Besides, it's kindd of hard not to be stressed when a crazed and hulking Twilight fan wants to break your arm.

9. Swish some Milk of Magnesia around in your mouth several times a day. It coats the ulcer and relieves the pain.

I don't have any. I may go to the store for it in awhile though.

10. L-lysine. 3 tablets a day until the canker is gone. Works great!

Hmmmm...I did a little research on this one and it appears that it might be helpful. I'll look for it when I go to the grocery store.

It's been ages since I've had a canker sore and I've forgotten how much they truly suck. This is why morphine needs to be sold over the counter, dammit! Friggin busybody "just-say-no" "drugs are bad, mmkay" asshole politicians and their archaic drug laws! If I'm over 21 and can pay for it, it should be no one's business what I put into my body!

Okay, end of rant. Sorry, pain makes me pissy.

Since I can't get any morphine, do you have any suggestions to heal this sucker up quick and take away this mouth misery? What works for you?

Monday, May 04, 2009

Bye Bye Boobie Barn, Hello Classy Earl's

Which do you want to hear first, the good news or bad news?

The Good News: I'm alive and well and haven't had my ass kicked.

The Bad News: Actually there isn't any bad news. I just like to be dramatic.

So, here is what happened. On Friday I actually went over to Hot Topic and contemplated the Twilight merchandise, looking for some cheap trinkets that might appease the Bella's, when I got a call from a friend telling me not to come in to work. Apparently Bella was already there, bragging about how her boyfriend had showed her how to break my arm with some sort of karate move and that he had filled the place with a bunch of redneck friends who were taking bets on who would win in our jello fight.

Well, that did it. There was no way I was going to show up for that! Thank goodness she called before I wasted my money on any "Team Edward" crap. Screw it! The Boobie Barn sucks anyway, and I am way too good for the place.

Out of curiosity I asked her how many people were betting I'd win. None, she answered, that's why they'd had just switched to betting on how long it would take Bella to kick my ass. Two minutes was the popular prediction.

I was strangely flattered by that. In reality it would probably be more like 15 seconds.

Since it looks like The Boobie Barn is off limits for a while but I still need to make some chedda, I swallowed my pride and headed back over to Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits.

Regular readers might remember that I used to dance there all the time, until my monkey, Tucksworth, snatched Earl's toupee off of his head and threw it at the buffet table. It landed in a pot of Egg Drop Soup and was ruined which made Earl livid (even though it forced him into getting a much nicer hair weave that looked a thousand times better IMO.) Click here for the full story if you're interested.

Anyway, after that altercation Earl made my life so miserable that I quit, but since hearing the place was under new management, it seemed like a good time to go back.

The Good News: Classy Earl's really IS much classier than The Boobie Barn. No jello wrestling, not so many frat boys, and the bathrooms are a lot cleaner. Also, I haven't noticed any Twilight freaks yet.

The Bad News: Lots more competition!

Unfortunately the place is loaded with gorgeous girls, quite a few of whom are actually good dancers. (Not that it matters since the customers don't really care about dancing, it's just a pride thing with me.) Will I be able to make bank here? Hmmmm...don't know yet. It was pretty easy to be a big fish in small pond full of skank, but now it looks like I'm really going to have to work it.

The Good News: This post is over so now I can go read your blogs and see how your weekends went.

The Bad News: This post was kinda disappointing. I know you were hoping to click over and hear details of how I shoved Bella's face into the jello and beaned her in the head with a hardback copy of Twilight. Believe me I wish that had happened (God, it would have been satisfying!) but there was no way I was going to take a chance on getting a nail broken, much less my arm.

I'll leave you with a picture of the cool jewelry box I found at the thrift store on Sunday for a dollar. Check out this hawt fighting chick.

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She looks like she's ready to throw down, huh? I only wish I could kung fu some Bella's while wearing such a stylish outfit.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Mrs. Edward Cullen Is Going To Kick My Ass

Here is something I'd really like to know.


I truly don't get it. It's just a dumb book (and movie) about a dorky sparkling vampire and the extremely dull girl he busts a nut over. I couldn't even finish reading the damn thing because it was so boring.

But the people who love it, really, really love it to the point where they are nearly demented and you'd better not slag their precious book or they will hurt you.

I've recently found this out the hard way. Mrs. Edward Cullen has promised to kill me this weekend.

Of course, it's my own fault. I should just keep my mouth closed. Why is that so hard to do?

I guess I'm just sick of it all. Twilightmania swept through The Boobie Barn a few months back when the movie came out and shows no signs of ever going away.

It's so crazy. The first thing that happened was that overnight nearly every girl wanted to change her stripper name to Bella.

Chicks who used to go by Diamond or Shiva or Raven all want to call themselves Bella now, so you have to listen to the DJ boom out "Everyone make some noise for the beautiful Bella!" about a hundred times a night.

Alice, Rosalie, and Esme have all become popular too, which never fails to make me giggle. I swear if you went by the names alone you'd assume these broads were senior citizens at a bingo parlor in Boca Raton, instead of exotic dancers who get naked every night.

Pale skin has become all the rage. I used to be one of the only chicks in the place who didn't slather herself with fake orange tan (at least not a whole lot) but now everyone wants to be as pale as possible and sparkling with enough body glitter to make Mariah Carey gouge her eyes out with jealousy.

And do you know how many times I have been forced to hear that song "Go All The Way Into The Twilight" since all the Bella's want to dance to it and make it their theme song?

I swear, I've about had it with this mess.

So last weekend when a Bella - formerly known as Candy - asked me, "Who do you think is hotter, Pru, Edward or Jacob?" I did a very bad thing and answered her honestly. I said I thought they both sucked and that Twilight was one of the most retarded books ever written and that I couldn't even finish reading the book because every chapter was lowering my IQ by ten points.

Wow, was that ever the wrong thing to do. I've never been terribly popular at The Boobie Barn, but now every Bella there (not to mention all the Alice's, Esme's, and Rosalie's) wants to kill me.

Seriously. I've been threatened with death.

The other day while sitting at the dressing table troweling on some makeup, I caught a Bella (who used to call herself Venom and I believe her real name is Twyla, so you have to admit that Bella is an improvement) glowering at me in a way that made me a little nervous. I ignored her though, till she came over and sat on the table right in front of me. It was obvious that she was super angry.

"What?" I asked, knowing that she wouldn't go away until she'd had her say.

"You know what, Pru? You ain't all that!" she hissed. "You walk around here like your shit don't stink, but you're no better than the rest of us."

I almost laughed at that, but she was really pissed off and this particular Bella is no one I want to mess with. She has a body like a high school wrestler, very wide shoulders with long muscular arms and no neck. In fact, she resembles the singer Pink quite a bit, except with more tattoos and much meaner. If she wanted to, she'd have no trouble beating the living shit out of me and it looked like she really wanted to.

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Picture Pink here with sparkles and demented eyes and you've got Bella.

"You are mistaken about that," I said finally, striving for a light tone. "I'm perfectly aware that my shit stinks, I just don't care if it does."

Then I smiled at her as if to say, 'isn't all this silly? Let's be friends!'

"Want a piece of gum?" I offered.

She got right up in my face, so close I could count the nostril hairs around her nose ring.(7) "You and me this weekend in the jello pit. I am going to rip your hair out and kick your scrawny ass! Hope you enjoy the taste of that jello 'cause you are going to choke on it, bitch!"

Whoa. What do you say to something like that? It was all so dramatic and dumb, I had trouble taking it seriously.

"Oh, give me a break," I said. "Is this because I insulted Twilight? You want to kick my ass because I pointed out that a character in a book who is described as a sparkling, 100 year old virgin is not only not hot, he's completely ridiculous and sounds like a bipolar freak that most people would want a restraining order to keep away from? Really? This is what is making you so angry? Because I called Edward a pedophile doofus?"

"He's sexy and amazing!" she screamed. "He can be a little overprotective at times but that's only because he loves Bella so much!"

"Jesus!" I said. "It's a book! A badly written piece of crap book, not real life! And who cares anyway? Why don't we just agree to disagree and forget about it?"

She made a fist. "You're going down! I'm going to fucking kill you and that's a promise!"


Now that it's Friday I've got a sinking feeling in my stomach that I really may get my ass beat in tonight and it scares me. I can't fight anyone! Yes, I'm much taller then this chick, but I'm very fine boned and delicate with zero muscles and no arm strength whatsoever. She will kill me and I'm way too beautiful to die! Help!

What to do? What to do?

I've been thinking and thinking about this all morning. Do you think she'll buy it if I show up with a bunch of "Team Edward" merchandise and declare my new found love for Twilight or will that just piss her off more? Please advise.