Thursday, March 27, 2008

I Have Angered the Internet God

Gonna teach this sucka a lesson!

I don't know what I did, but my internet connection has been awful all week. Very, very slow and then it will go out completely for several hours. Whenever that happens I fall to the floor in screaming convulsions of anger, foaming at the mouth and cursing in tongues. Geez, when will this agony end? Should I sacrifice a goat or something? I set a glass of wine and a bowl of Cool Ranch Doritos in front of the modem last night, and promised to quit shoplifting lip balm and bowling balls if the internet would only please, please, come back to me. It's my precious! When I woke up this morning I noticed that the wine was untouched, but the Doritos bowl had been licked clean, and the connection has been a bit better. What does that tell us? That the great cyber god is a teetotaler who enjoys flavored tortilla chips, that's what!

Or else that my dog, Shirley, got into the chips. Whatevs.

*By the way, when I tried to picture what an angry web deity would look like, the closest I could come was a miffed Mr. T in a dress. Do you see it, or I'm a way off the mark? What do you think He would look like?

Sunday, March 23, 2008



Ever tried them? These little suckers are delicious. They are like little tiny oranges that you can pop in your mouth and eat, peel and all. It's a very tart/sweet taste. And I love the name kumquat. It sounds like some sort of pelvic exercise, doesn't it?

"After having a baby, Jan did fifty kumquats a day to tighten up."

Or it could be used as a term of endearment.

"Come to me, my little kumquat."

Or maybe I'll use it as an alternative to cursing.

"Oh kumquats! You kumquating beeyotch!"

Hmmmm. Okay, I don't really know where I'm going with this. Oh well, what else is new, huh?

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

8 Reasons Yesterday Rocked

I woke up early, but not at the crack of dawn like I usually do. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping and I was full of energy and good cheer. For a minute I was puzzled. What was different? Why had I been able to sleep in past sunrise? Then I realized that my neighbor's dog was not barking (1) for once! Maybe some investigators from the Humane Society had shown up and arrested my bitchface neighbor and I'll get to watch her being led away in handcuffs on an episode of Animal Cops. Or maybe someone had thrown the poor mutt some poisoned meat and put him out of his misery. Either way it was nice to finally have a night of uninterupted sleep!

I bounced out of bed and made my breakfast. Fresh squeezed orange juice and whole grain toast with vegan cream cheese and candy sprinkles (2). Yum yum.

Hot tea and Adderall were also important parts of this nutritious breakfast.

Mister Sprinkles makes everything taste better. All food should come out of a clown shaped container if you ask me.

After breakfast I took a quick shower but avoided shampooing my hair. I'm letting it get good and dirty before I dye it back to my favorite shade of hoochie blonde. A hairdresser gave me this tip. Apparently the grease and oil help keep the bleach from eating holes in your scalp. Plus filthy hair makes it is easier to keep my tard bangs swept to the side(3). It will be such a happy day when those things grow out.

Since I wasn't scheduled to work at The Boobie Barn(4) I decided to go shopping. Although I only had $19 in my pocket that was plenty as my favorite places to shop are Goodwills, Thrifts, and Dollar Stores. Check out this cool Chewbacca notepad(5) I scored. Perfect for a girl who loves wookies and making lists.

Chewbacca is my favorite. You know, it always bugged me that at the end of Star Wars, Han and Luke got medals but Chewie didn't. What was up with that?

On that note, this video (6) made me laugh.

And later while practicing my normal afternoon yoga routine, my chakras suddenly fell into place and I attained enlightenment(7) accepting the divine within myself and becoming one with the universe. That was pretty sweet.

Namaste! My mantra goes something like this - Krishna, Krishna, Gesundheit. Try it sometime.

I ended the day by attending a Lesbian Spanking Festival(8) with my good friends Lindsay Lohan and Paula Abdul. Unfortunately I don't have any pictures to post from there. I brought my camera with me but.....I got busy. Sorry.

All in all yesterday was pretty perfect. That gypsy curse my family has been living under for generations appears to be lifting. Finally! Good thing I met that psychic who lives behind the dumpster of the 711. She's the one who clued me in. A thousand dollars to get rid of it seemed a little excessive to me, but it looks like that money was well spent, huh?

**One of these things may be a lie. Can you guess which one? I'll post the answer in the comments.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Tucksworth and Tacos

Let's say you have a monkey. A batshit crazy one, but he's your pet and you love him. Then one day he disappears and you receive a letter informing you that he's been kidnapped. You'd probably assume it was true and try everything you could to get him back, right?

Well, not if the monkey in question was Tucksworth.

I was suspicious from the first when I got that ransom note. For one thing, it was written in fingerpaint on the back of my electric bill. Also, it was smeared with Cheetos dust and grape jelly, two of Tucksworth's favorite snacks. In fact he enjoys eating them together. The only other person I know who likes that kind of gross combination of foods is Britinia. I wondered briefly if she might have had something to do with his disappearance but she denied it, and I realized she was too dumb to plot anything as complicated as a kidnapping. Sheesh, she can't even manage to get a decent weave!

And then there was the picture that had been stapled to the note. Remember the one, of the monkey getting electrocuted? It didn't really look like Tucksworth, but I was so horrified I didn't question it. Upon further examination I realized it had been cut out of Stop Vivisection Now! pamphlet. I'd been duped. That rotten little ape hadn't been snatched at all! He just felt like running off. The whole kidnapping thing was a scheme to get me to send him more Adderall. I guess he really developed a taste for it after downing my prescription that day he freaked out. I was pissed off that he'd pull something like this, but not really surprised. Tucksworth loves drama almost as much as he loves Cuervo Gold and fine Columbian.

Alert reader Helen let me know what was going on after she spotted him in this Taco John commercial. Thanks Helen!

Look at him ride that dog!

I didn't think I'd be seeing Tucksworth again now that he's famous and all, but he crept home late last night full of remorse and begged me to forgive him. He looked really tired and his fur was all straggly. All the money he made from his acting job is gone. Lord knows what he spent it on. My mom didn't want him back. She hates his mess and thinks he's too much trouble. He IS too much trouble and a spoiled rotten brat besides, but it's hard to resist those sad, pleading, monkey eyes.

This morning I woke up to find the cats tails tied together and my mother furiously scrubbing cream cheese and peanut butter off of the TV screen. I guess I'd better have a talk with him at some point. I'm too exhausted to do it right now, though. The new managers of The Boobie Barn installed a mechanical bull and they are making every dancer learn how to ride it so we can participate in Buck Naked Bullriding Fridays. I'm not very good at that sort of stuff. I can't seem to stay on for more than three seconds. Plus it gives me motion sickness.

I scrawled this poem in the employee rest room last night.

The thing about Buck Naked Bullriding
is that it makes you bruise your shins and throw up your tacos.
Other than that it sucks.

Monday, March 10, 2008

3 Threes

Three Reasons My Neighbor Deserves a Dagger in Her Midsection

1. She leaves her dog outside 23 hours a day and he barks his head off.

2. She never answers her phone or responds to any complaints about her barking dog.

3. She wears super tight, ugly sweatsuits with the word Juicy written on the butt and has major bitch face.

Three Reasons The Boobie Barn Should Be Set on Fire

1. It's been taken over by a new management team even worse and more moronic than the last, hard as that may be to believe.

2. They have decided to install a mechanical bull so we can have something called Buck Naked Bullriding Nite. Hee haw!

3. Five words. Frat boys with water pistols.

Three Things I Hope I Can Do Today

1. Get rid of those stubborn mildew stains in the shower.

2. Take back my horribly overdue library books.

3. Refrain from stabbing my neighbor and setting The Boobie Barn on fire.

Friday, March 07, 2008

The Devil and Miss Jones


Do you ever feel like there is a devil on your shoulder urging you to do bad things? I have one of those. He looks like Richard Dawson from the 70's when he was on that show Match Game, except with devil horns. It's so damn hard to resist Richard. For one thing, he has that charming accent. It always makes whatever foul thing he's suggested sound perfectly reasonable, almost a shame not to do really. And he calls me "luv" in that cheeky way of his. He's just so good at wheedling.

For instance, this morning he recommended that I chop up and snort my daily Adderall pill.

"Go on then, luv," he said with a grin. "You've been good for quite a while now. You deserve to have a little fun."

"Quit it, Richard," I said, uncomfortably aware that the very thought made my heart pound with anticipation.

He knew he was getting to me and pressed his advantage. "Well just swallow a couple more then, three or four. One won't do anything much. You need it. You're very muddle minded lately."

Tell me, could you resist a suave motherfucker like this?

I'll admit I was super tempted. I opened the bottle and stared with longing at those gleaming orange and white pills. I poured out four and held them in my hand, considering.

But luckily I have an angel on my other shoulder who convinced me to only take one by shaking her head and giving me a stern look. She doesn't always win, but she did today. Thanks, babe.

My angel. She has her work cut out for her.

By the way, if your cable carries Game Show Network then I urge you to check out The Match Game. It's so amazing to see the stars smoking while they play the game, and the humor is so naughty. I swear the other day I saw Betty White give Charles Nelson Reilly the finger.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

The Ballad of Lil' Stripeyhead

I'm watching you.

Let me tell you a tale that begins right here
in a house in Tennessee
about a plucky, scruffy, tiny cat
by the name of Lil' Stripeyhead Lee
and this kitten she lived with no other thought
than to eat Friskies and scratch at her fleas.

Till the day that my mother decided to come
to my house in Tennessee
and bring with her a cat who is hideously fat
and bad tempered to the highest degree.
This cat's name is Mae and she's older than dirt
and therefore not terribly pleased
to make the aquaintance of another feline
especially one covered in fleas.

Stripey was thrilled, from the first, to meet Mae
and she sniffed her new friend with glee
"I love you, let's play!" she seemed to say
while sharing her Chicken of the Sea.
But day after day, refusing to play
the old cat would smack her and flee.
Yes, day after day, the old biddy named Mae
rejected these friendly pleas.
Hissing and pissing on Stripeyhead Lee.

But this little furball, for one so small
is determined to a remarkable degree.
And she will not rest till she succeeds in her quest
to make Mae her playmate it seems.
"Love me!" she cried, "I will not be denied!
Quit trying to run off and flee.
From my love you will never be free!"
Sniffed Mae, "Get away from me."

Now a day won't go by that I don't hear a cry
from the frustrated Stripeyhead Lee.
And the sun never beams without bringing me screams
from the pissed off Stripeyhead Lee.
And as much as she's tried, Mae just cannot hide
from this kitten, this kitten she must live beside,
in a house in Tennessee
with this stalker named Stripeyhead Lee.

Love me, bitch!"