Thursday, September 25, 2008

Prunella Phones....Home

"Halp! Halp me! I've been kidn--mmmmmmmpppphhh"

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Muyhahahaha, attention Earth People of Bloggerland. I am the great and terrible Xenu. Fear me! Very good. We have your Prunella Jones. She is currently being held on one of our space vehicles and given "correction" until she learns to stop making fun of my chosen one Tom Cruise. This may take some time as she is quite mouthy and uncooperative. She will be returned only after massive auditing, vitamins, and anal probing give her the highly acclaimed Katie Holmes attitude adjustment. That is all.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Excerpt from the upcoming book, Prunella Jones: The Unauthorized Biography

Bobbi Dooley, beauty pagent winner, former friend: Yeah, I'm not surprised Prunella got famous. She was always ruthless. I remember back when we were competing in the Miss Chainsaw USA pagent together. This one girl named Courney had an amazing act for the talent portion where she actually juggled chainsaws instead of just modeling them like the rest of us. She was amazingly good and expected to win. I know Pru was really jealous, even though she acted all sweet. Miss Congenialty, my ass! They never could prove who put the itching powder in Courtney's bathing suit, but I'm pretty convinced it was none other than Prunella Jones. Now that she's rich, she should totally buy that chick a bionic arm to replace the hook she uses now.

Sarah Jones, Mother: My daughter is a good girl! Don't believe all those rumors and things they say about her on the innertubes. She doesn't take drugs! I don't know why that boy - what's his name? Perez Hilton? - anyway, I don't know why he draws those white dots on her mouth in those pictures he puts up. Is he trying to imply that she takes pills? Because she doesn't!

Paula Abdul, singer: Ha ha, Prunella! I just love that crazy bitch! She's my best - hic - friend. Hic. Where am I?

Tom, mentally challenged busboy and recent summer sex partner: I love Pru. She COMPLETES ME! (jumping on the couch) SHE COMPLETES ME! AHHHHH XENU! PRAISE XENU!!

Kevin, former boss: Prunella was one of the worst employees I ever had the displeasure of working with. She was lazy and totally disrespectful. She was always writing stuff like "Kevin is a dildo" on the walls in permanite marker. I knew it was her, even though she'd always deny it. During employee meetings when I would try to get everyone enthused she'd stand behind me, miming like she was sucking cock so everyone would laugh at me. I found out later that she was the one who stuck me with the nickname "Superchickenhead." It's been years and I still can't rid of it! Even the busboys who can't speak English refer to me that way. Ooooo I hate that stuck up little bitch!

Balki Bartokomous, cousin from Mypos: My cousin is very good to me. She lets me live in a storage shed in her backyard as long as I scrub her toilets and vacuum the rugs everyday. Oh, I am so happy to be here in America... land of my dreams, home of the Whopper. Just thinking about it makes me do the dance of joy! Come, you must join me. Momma told me never to do the dance of joy alone, or I would go blind.

Captain Peanut, owner of The Boobie Barn, Nashville: Who? Never heard of her. Oh, you mean the skinny, blonde bitch who calls herself January Moon? She all right. Whiny, though. Real bad attitude problem too. She try and act like she too good to work in the jello wrestling pit. I was all, "Girl, you get your ass in that pit and 'rassle some muthafuckers. You'll make good money." But she wouldn't do it. Said she would sue me if her weave got ruined. I 'bout slapped that ho. What's she famous for? Being a ho?

Mason Anderson, head of security at Tyler Mall, Riverside: Oh yeah, I remember that one all right. Major shoplifter. We hated dealing with her. Back then she was known as "Seizure", because as soon as you asked her to empty her pockets, she'd fall to the floor and pretend to have an epileptic fit. Also, if you tried to cuff her she'd start screaming at the top of her lungs that you'd broken her arm. We were so happy when she finally moved away. What a nightmare!

Mister Underhill, blogger friend: Pru used to be pretty cool, but lately she's been acting pretty testy. I think she let the fame go to her head. Either that or she has her period again. She sure seems to get it an awful lot.

Lindsay Lohan, actress: Pru and I hooked up a while back before I got with Sam Ronson. She was wonderful, so passionate and so much fun. She was the one who introduced me to the joys of sapphic love, you know. I was mad for her! We talked about getting married and having babies - I even got the words "Mrs. Jones" tattooed on my inner thigh. Then the next thing I knew she dumped me, just like that! Said she wasn't a serious lesbian. She just wanted to try it out "Ann Heche" style. I'm still heartbroken about it....(sob). No more questions!

Sarah Jones: We always knew she'd be famous one day. She's so talented. I remember the day she graduated from preschool. When she accepted her diploma the principal asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. Well, she just smiled like an angel and piped up, "I wanna be a bra model!" It was so cute.

Paris Hilton, professional party girl: I know Prunella, but I don't get why she is famous. She's not that hawt.

Monday, September 08, 2008

The Prunella Jones Story circa 2038

In today's episode, we see that Prunella has finally fulfilled her destiny as a crazy cat lady....

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"Come here my babies. Chumley! Milkshake! Jackie Waffles the third! Frederica Von Gleepinstein! Come jump in the buggy and Mommy will wheel you over to the kitchen for some yummy, yummy vegan soy cream."

Meow, meow, purrr, meow

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"Come along my darlings, it's num num nummers time. Today I've blended up some wheatgrass powder and corn gluten for a special treat."

Mew, Meow, Hisssssssssssssss

"What is it, Miss Franny Firecrotch? Why did you scratch Mommy? Did you ---"

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Muyhahahahahahhaha! Land Gator did her a big favor. Chomp, Chomp. Munch.


Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Ode to Riverside

On the outskirts of a desert
about sixty miles or so from LA,
lies one of the most magical cities
you will find in this great US of A.
I have so many things to say
about this precious tract of sandy dirt.

This beauty’s name is Riverside
though no water can be found there.
It's frequently shrouded by a thick haze of smog
which softens the sunlight’s merciless glare.
I miss the gray and choking air
that I inhaled in Riverside.

Oh Riverside, my Riverside
where the land is crispy, dry, and brown.
I get a wispy feeling in my heart
when I think about my lovely town.

There I grew up a delicate flower
Shielded and cottoned by the smog.
My parents made me go to church
and listen to country music on KFROG.
Syrupy songs about Jesus and dogs,
inspired this poet with their musical power.

Sports are important in the schools
and there are a number of public pools.
The girls softball team
for which I played catcher
was coached by a man nicknamed "The Nutsack Scracher."
He was such a massive tool.
I wonder what happened to that old fool?

There are many teens called Juggalos
who wear silly makeup, hair, and clothes
and hang out by the railroad tracks
listening to a band called Insane Clown Posse
and drinking Cisco to relax.
Why they do this nobody knows
I never had the nerve to ax.

Ocasionally people get run over
when they get too drunk or high.
Forcing the train to screech to a stop
and backing up traffic for miles and miles.
Angry driver’s cuss and sigh
which is an annoyance to neighbor’s who live nearby.

My mother once owned a house which sat
On Mount Rubidoux’s rocky south-east side.
Perched there like a noble tooth
In a gaping mouth called Riverside.

Alas, the house exists no more.
It burned to the ground one fateful morn,
when squatters broke in and attempted to use
firecrackers to open a can of corn.
To these idiots I feel nothing but scorn.
This is what can openers exist for!

There is a Vietnam vet named Gimpy
who lives behind the Circle K.
He offers decent quality speed and pot
at low, low prices everyday.
Just tell him Prunella sent you
and you'll get good service without delay.

You will meet interesting folk there, including
truck drivers, glue sniffers, and Bible thumpers.
Meth heads that’ve lost their driver’s license
often crash their bicycles into the back of your bumper.
You can sometimes see bums having knife fights
out behind the VFW's dumpsters.

There is a brand new rehab hospital
and a place for the mentally ill.
So the drunks and crazy homeless
can meander around at will.
It’s also a good place to score some pills.
Yes, Riverside supplies plenty of pharmaceutical thrills.

And they frequently mug a stranger,
And they sometimes escape, and will hide,
but the folks are not all of them drunk and crazy
who hail from a town called Riverside.
Southern California's greatest pride.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Land Gator Vs. Super Fishlike Thingee

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Oh Super Fish-like Thingee!
We call for your help.
Oh great one,
Please answer our prayers.
Your servants prayers.
Like a wave you'd come
to save us from this evil.
To save us all from certain death.
Our guardian angel!
The great Super Fish-like Thingee!
Hero for the people, animals, and inanimate objects of this land.

Our prayers have been answered. A hero has emerged from the dusty shelves of a thrift store. With his vague resemblance to a fish and super powers of some sort, Super Fish-like Thingee comes forth as our greatest hope to defeat the horrible Land Gator. Here is his theme song:

He's for everyone of us!
He'll save everyone of us!
He'll save - with his not apparent but still very there super powers - every victim of this unreasonable villian.

Ooooooo yeah!

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Very good. Let the battle begin!

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Kkkkkkkrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... Clomp!


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Gaaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Whaaaaaargable......(gasp)(pant)

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No, no, no!

Oh, Super Fish-like Thingee
Please summon all your strength to
defeat this terrible, disrespectful demon.
Use your powers!
Your amazing powers.
We are not sure what they consist of, but
we know them to be amazing!

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Oh no! Things are looking bleak for Super Fish-like Thingee. Will he be able to tear himself away from the jaws of death and defeat Land Gator? Can anyone stop this horrible monster? What the heck are those twins wearing on their heads? How much longer am I going to keep running this silly joke into the ground? For these answers and more, come back to find out!!!!!