Monday, January 03, 2011

Things I Learned in 2010

1. If your mom has a vintage manger scene of which she is inordinately fond, sets it up at Xmastime, and proudly crows to anyone who will listen about how collectible the figurines are and how she only paid $10 for it, DO NOT, I repeat, NOT juggle the Baby Jesus with a couple of oranges. Because you will almost certainly fail to catch the Baby Jesus, and his head WILL pop off, and your superglue repair job WILL be spotted eventually by your mom. And she will never let you forget it.

2. If your cat likes to leave gruesome presents on your front stoop of the lil critters he's caught and tortured for hours and hours until they finally died, remember to wait until dark before throwing the corpses on your bitch-faced neighbors lawn.

3. Lemons! If you enjoy guzzling red wine and ingesting large quantities of recreational pharmaceuticals like I do, then remember lemon juice is your friend. Squeezing and drinking a couple every night before you go to bed (I suggest throwing the juice down the hatch like a shot of tequilla) will scrub your liver fresh and clean for the next day's debauchery. But, be sure to brush your teeth afterwords.

4. Oh yeah, that reminds me. If an old filling breaks off of your tooth, DO NOT ignore it for months and months because you WILL end up having to pay over $1200 for a root canal and a tooth cap that will feel like a big ol Chiclet in your mouth for ages till you get used to it.

5. And this one is a biggie. Listen well and heed these words! If your new guy has a bipolar ex with a meth problem, and she sends a manic stream of threatening texts detailing all the reasons you suck and deserve to die, DO NOT laugh it off! And you should especially NOT finally break one day and fire back a snarky text that ends with "take your meds please, you wackjob." Because that will make her really mad and she WILL take out her demented anger on your car, and you WILL have to fill out police reports. And then you WILL get so paranoid looking over your shoulder, expecting a psychopathic bitch wearing adult diapers and carrying duct tape and pepper spray to show up at your door at any moment, that you have to spend a couple of days hiding out at your best friend's house, where her adorable children WILL discover the novelty talking vibrator - that you bought as a joke and then forgot about - in your backpack, and that WILL lead them to ask some very uncomfortable questions that will embarrass you greatly.

There you have it blogger friends, a little bit of the very hard won knowledge that I, Prunella Jones, acquired in 2010. Actually most of it is from the past few months because who can remember all the way back to last January?

My journals aren't much help in that department either. I flipped through them, but apparently I didn't write very much this past year. There's barely anything in them aside from doodles of Coneheads, evil trees, and people with shark teeth, grocery lists, to-do lists (without very many items checked off) occasional scrawls like, "what if we can't find Atlantis because it was actually located on Mars?" and a few measly paragraphs of a story I started writing about hologram twin hotties from the future and their pet severed hand that crawls.

This makes me sad so I'm going to try very hard to post something everyday here so I don't forget stuff, and my mom can't throw it out like she does with my notebooks or "messy looking papers."

That woman is a total clean freak. I just don't get that. To each his own and all that, but dayum, you won't catch me spending my golden years organizing the contents of my pantry in alphabetical order that's for sure. I plan to drink a lot and drive my enormous Cadillac into various mailboxes while on my way to the bingo parlor, like any proud senior should.

So, tell me, what did you learn in 2010?