Friday, February 27, 2009

Paranormal Stuff

Ever read a Sylvia Browne book?

If you've never heard of her, she's some self proclaimed "psychic" who used to be a frequent guest on The Montel Williams Show. That's where I first saw her and I was immediately captivated. Not because of anything she said mind you, but because of her super long fake nails. They were really ugly and I was mesmerized by the way she kept scratching at herself with the tips of them as she answered questioned in her deep, craggy smokers voice. It amazed me that anyone would take her seriously, because, honestly, she seems completely full of shit. But, hey, she's entertaining.

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This image came up when I searched for "Sylvia Browne's fingernails. Looks like I'm not the only one who noticed those talons. Caw, caw!

Apparently she's written a shit ton of books and they sell like crazy. I found one at the library the other day and flipped through it. It was pretty goofy - all about how her spirit guide told her heaven is 75 degrees and you get to go to lectures (whoopee!) - but I had to marvel at her genius. Man, what a scam! She rakes in the bucks with this stuff. I'm jealous! I wanna be a psychic too! Where the hell is my spirit guide?

So I went home and googled "How to contact your spirit guide" and loads of articles popped up. After scanning a few I decided to try it. What the heck, it seems easy enough. Here's a link to the one I used.

First, you have to get comfortable. I sat down on the bed in lotus position and tried to clear my mind. That's the hard part. I always have trouble meditating. Whenever I try to clear my mind it fights back by making me remember old song lyrics or picture completely inappropriate people having sex together, like my old high school principal getting it on with Ronald McDonald. Eww, stop it!!!

Finally I got my brain to somewhat settle down, but then forgot what was next, so I had to look at the directions again.

Find a quiet place, free of distractions. Relax and get comfortable. Clear your mind. Focus on your guide.

Send the thought ... Hello!

You may hear a greeting, but this is not necessary.

Send your Yes or No question telepathically or verbally i.e. Is today Monday?

Relax and allow the answer to come naturally as a thought.

All righty then. "Hello!" I said out loud. I thought I heard a derisive snort in response, but figured it was my imagination.

Then I asked the question, "Oh great spirit guide, am I insane?"

Because, you know, I'd really like to know the answer to that one. Who cares what day it is.

Right away I heard a voice sneer out not just one, but three different replies.

"No, you're not insane, just stupid."

"Yes, now shut your insane mouth and take this Thorazine."

"Insane? In what respect, Charlie?"
(That one was said in a Sarah Palin voice.)

Oh, great, it looks like my spirit guide is Al Jaffee.

Or wait, is he dead? Maybe Al and I just share the same one. No wonder I loved MAD Magazine's Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions as a kid.

I glanced down at the directions again. It didn't say anything about what to do if your spirit guide was a sarcastic jerk. Maybe there were others. Sylvia Browne has two after all.

"Okay Al," I tried again. "Are you my only spirit guide?"

"No, the others are Bigfoot and ET."

"Yes, I drew the short straw, dammit."

"Yes, 'cause you smell."

How annoying! I really wanted to ask all the other questions on the list but Al seemed determined to never give me a straight answer. Look how cool they are:

* Explain reality.
* How big is the universe?
* How and when was it created?
* Is there life on other planets?
* Do entities watch us from UFO's or other places?
* Did I know you in an alien form?
* Are there angels?
* Who is God? (Close your eyes and think Show me!)
* Are there many/any dimensions? (Close your eyes and think Show me!)
* Can a soul exist in more than one dimension?
* Does the future co-exist with the past and present?
* Do we have free will?

I'm dying to know this stuff, aren't you? Finally, I decided to try one last time.

"Okay, Al. Quit with the smart ass bullshit and show me who God is." I closed my eyes and concentrated really hard.

This is what he showed me.

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At last an answer that made sense! I've always sort of suspected it anyway.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Review: An $8 Chocolate Bar

I should really stay out of Whole Foods Market. It's just too pricey for the likes of me. Every time I go there, I end up spending way more than intended because everything is so tempting. Really, it's like nirvana for anyone with extra crunchy, granola, hippie type tendencies (me). Like Pavlov's dog, I salivate at the sight of all natural, organic products and reach for my wallet without thinking, only to moan about how poor I am afterward. How weird is it that only the rich can afford to be hippies nowadays?

Anyway, while there the other day I noticed some chocolate bars that looked especially good. One intrigued me because it was made with sea salt and smoked almonds and some other stuff that sounded pretty dang deelicious. I thought the price said $2.99, which is still kinda a lot for a chocolate bar, but I figured it was fairly large so it'd be worth and threw it on the pile in the cart. After paying and loading the one (tiny) bag into my car, I pulled out the receipt to find out why the final price was even more rapetastic than I'd imagined. Well, it turned out the candy bar had cost $7.99. Eight bucks for some chocolate! I could just picture my ultra frugal father rolling in his grave at the very idea that his daughter would pay that much for candy.

"You march back in there and return it at once!" I envisioned ghost dad howling from his red cloud in Republican heaven, where he and all the other old grumps probably spend their days shaking their heads, while discussing how Obama is ruining the country with his pork barrel spending. (I'm sure he's deliriously happy.)

I did consider returning it for maybe half a minute but I'm far to lazy for that. Plus, by now I was rabidly curious as to what an $8 bar of chocolate tasted like.

"Screw you, pops," I said to dad's ghost. "I'm gonna smoke a big bowl of pot and eat this bar while watching The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC, and then I'm going to masturbate to a fantasy of me and Rachel having a hawt lesbian threeway with...Hillary Clinton!" Hopefully dad's corpse spun a few thousand times at that thought. I like to give him some exercise from time to time.

So, ....what does an $8 chocolate bar taste like? Sadly, it was just okay. I mean, it was tasty and all - the sea salt mixed with sweet milk chocolate was a nice savory combo - and overall it was way yummier than a Hershey bar, but I was expecting cosmic, orgasmic bliss, you know? And it just didn't deliver.

Unlike the liberal, lesbian threeway fantasy, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Prunella Jones, True Patriot

Well, I'm mighty proud to say I did my bit to stimulate the economy this weekend by buying some $20 shoes at Target.

Kinda cute for cheap shoes, eh? I decided that I love my country too much to pass them up.

Comfortable too, allowing me to stretch and bend and stay fit so as not to become a burden to the taxpayers.

Check this out: Red shoes, White skin, and Blue toenails. Damn, I am one patriotic bitch!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Pictures Of My Pussy

Pussy cat! Of course I meant Jackie Waffles.

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Look how big he's gotten. He's only nine months old and he weighs thirteen pounds. I can only imagine that in a couple of years he'll be dragging his belly on the floor as he crawls to his food bowl.

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Here he is hanging out in one of his favorite spots, the bathroom sink. I've never seen a cat that loves water so much. He likes to cup his paw under the running faucet and get a drink, and then he'll settle down in the wet sink and snooze.

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Wha'choo lookin at?

UPDATE: Lulu pointed out that Jackie needed dressing up.

dress up

I think this really expresses his personality quite well.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

KISS Me, I'm An Insomniac

Why, oh why do we need sleep? I wish we didn't have to. It's such a pain in the butt.

I may have mentioned my problems with sleep a time or two on this blog. Yeah, it's a misery. Basically, it takes me hours to zonk out, and then when I finally do snooze I'll awaken off and on throughout the night. Most of the time I can usually manage about four to six hours this way, which to me is pretty high functioning. But sometimes it seems that train to Slumberland just passes by me completely and I'm left staring after it with burning eyes as a sadistic conductor gives me the finger.

"Toot, toot. All aboard the Sleepy Train. All that is....except for you, Prunella Jones. Go get your ticket stamped or something, bitch, and better luck tommorrow....or not! Muyhahahahahaha."

The other night about 4 A.M., I was wandering around the house like a zombie when my eye fell on these stoopid little antique statues that my mom put up on the mantel before she left for Florida.

***FYI: My mom used to own an antique store and she has boxes and boxes of unsold stuff stowed in my garage.

Now I don't know why, but the damn things have been getting on my nerves. I hate them! They are such sad sacks, with their pained, yet somehow still smug expressions. Don't they look like the kind of people who use the same paper towel for a week, drying it between uses, in order to save money? And then bitch about it endlessly while also disapproving of anyone who doesn't? Ugh.

It was bringing me down, man. See for yourself. Would you want these sour pusses passing judgment on you while you are trying to chillax?

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Oy vey, if only we were still in the old country instead of sitting on the mantel of this tacky little house.

I guess I'm just not much of an antique lover. I prefer bright, shiny, new, plastic crap.

Anyway, I tried to watch some TV but those statues were eyeing me and making me nervous. I considered tossing them in the closet, or "accidentally" losing them in the trashcan --"Ooops, I swear mom, I don't know what happened!" -- but then I got a better idea. I decided to improve them.

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Viola! Now higher in Detroit Rock City flavor. Much better, right?

Well, it seemed like a good idea at 4 A.M.


My mom is so going to kick my ass.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I want to write something new but .......


.....lustful Swamp Things keep carrying me off, you know how it goes.

Monday, February 09, 2009

My Two Cents

So many things in the news pissing me off lately. Grrrr. Where to start?

The Stimulus Plan- Look, I am basically for this thing. Something obviously needs to be done and if we're going to borrow money, I'd much rather it be spent on our infrastructure than thrown down the sucking black hole of Iraq (end this shit now!). However, I'm still pissed as hell about the bank bailout. All that money given to the very people who caused this mess with no oversight whatsoever and they use it to give out bonuses and buy jets? Fuck them!

Why couldn't that money have been used to fund a national debt forgiveness program? They could've started with paying off every college loan in the country. BOOM right away you'd give people a little more money in their pockets to buy things with to stimulate the economy. Besides, it's ridiculous that young people just starting out in life are saddled with so much debt because of the obscenely high cost of college! (Oy, I could bitch about this all day, it makes me so furious. Yes, I do owe thousands in student loans.)

Then work on at least partial forgiveness for mortgages and credit card bills, which would ease the pressure on families and get them spending again. When you think about it, you have to wonder why we allow this bullshit to continue. I mean, thirty years to pay for a house with most of the money you pay each month going for interest? What is that if not usury? Why do the bible thumpers that run this country allow this to go on? Oh right, because money is their real god. Duh.

Anyway, if the bailout money were used this way then Americans would have some disposable income in their pockets. Then they would buy things instead of hanging on to their money. Companies would get more money and not have to lay off workers. The economy would start to stabilize, no?

Please tell me why this wouldn't work? The money all goes into the banks regardless. Why should they just get a massive check cut to them with no strings, while any sort of similar deal for the citizens is socialism? Give the money to the people so they can pay off their debts, and the banks still get it. It's a win-win situation all around. Why has this not even been considered?

Actually, if I had my way, I'd seize the personal assets of every CEO of every company involved in this whole fiasco including Wall Street and take back every bit of the bonuses they paid out over the last several years. That money alone could get a universal health care plan off to a healthy start. To fund the rest I'd seize the personal fortunes of the Bush family, Dick Cheney, and every slime bag who made millions off the cluster fuck festival that was the Iraq war.

Yeah, I am that pissed! Aren't you? I'd love to see heads rolling. Because, and this is the sad thing, I really don't think anything will change unless the people at the top are made to pay with their own personal money. That's the only way to get it through their thick heads that you don't fuck with people's livelihoods.

Michael Phelps Smoked Dope- It amazes me that with everything going on in with the economy people are outraged about this. WTF? The kid won eight gold medals, he obviously disproves the theory that potheads are unmotivated losers. The fact that marijuana is still illegal is the real crime here. Legalize it, make it as available as alcohol and cigarettes, and tax it the way they are taxed and BOOM you've got more money flowing into the economy. And you've just freed up the police to focus their resources on getting harmful drugs like meth off the streets, and put many drug cartels out of business.

Also, I find it crazy that snack companies are dropping Phelps as their spokesperson because of this. Are they high? Stoners with munchies make up a good percentage of the snack buying customer base.

Screw you Subway! Your sandwiches ain't all that great anyway. I'm more than happy to take my bidness to Blimpies.

The Octupuplets- Why are people so afraid to call this woman a loon? Because she totally is. Anyone with a pair of eyes can see that if you watch her interview with Ann Curry. I mean, she's obviously delusional. Getting her master's degree in counseling will give her the money to raise fourteen kids? Really? It pays that well, huh? And she can go back to school this year to do this with no one to help out but her poor fed up mother, who is already overwhelmed with the care of this bitch's six other kids. Really? All these children to pay for and she spends her money on lip injections? (I spy a nose job too.) Methinks someone has an Angelina Jolie fixation.

Not that there is anything wrong with plastic surgery, or even having fertility treatments for that matter. If you can afford that stuff, go for it. If you love kids and want to have fourteen of them, eight all at once, well, whatever (you're nuts) knock yourself out. Hey, if this chick could afford these babies (and their health problems), had plenty of help to care for them properly, and the endless amount of time necessary to devote to them and their six brothers and sisters, I might be less annoyed, but the fact of the matter is that she doesn't. She has serious mental issues, a probable pregnancy fixation, and while something needs to be done for these kids (adoption!) I hope she won't be given endorsement money and book and television deals for this bullshit.

I have never understood why people who have huge litters of children in one pregnancy are applauded. Eight babies at once! It's a miracle! Ummm, no it's not. It's very bad for the babies and completely selfish of the parents. If women were supposed to carry more than two babies at a time, we'd have more than two boobs. What's more, even if the parents do have insurance these kind of births cost millions and make the rest of us pay more while we get nickle and dimed for every little office visit.

I don't get the appeal of shows like Jon and Kate Plus Eight besides the freak show element. I watched the show once and thought Kate was a huge bitch, her husband a complete wimp, and the whole family very annoying. I get that they only wanted one more baby and ended up with six embryos, but they should have reduced. I'm sorry, but if you are going to use this technology, then you shouldn't be allowed to claim that God gave you a miracle so you must be allowed to keep them all. (I mean, if you are going to use that argument then you'd be forced to conclude that God must not have wanted you to have kids in the first place or you wouldn't be using fertility drugs.)

Anyway, I think to prevent these sorts of things from happening, insurance companies should make it a standard that in cases of IVF/fertility drug pregnancies they will only pay for two babies. If the parents want to keep all six, eight, twenty fetuses that take, fine, but they'll have to pay all the expenses for those children themselves. I actually can't believe the companies haven't done this sort of thing already, given how happy they are to cancel the policies of people who dare to get expensive diseases like cancer or diabetes.

And that's all I have to say about that. If you need me to solve any more of society's problems, I'll be in my room painting more zombie gnome figurines and yelling at the television set.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

The Hat That's Taking America By Storm

You know that hat Aretha Franklin wore to the presidential inauguration? It's really popular!


From the hawtest celebrities to the average Joe, everyone's sporting the "Aretha" lately.

kiss hat

All four members of KISS have declared it one rockin chapeau.


Jesus and Elvis are full of love for their "Aretha" headgear. And also for turkey apparently.


Even my crazy uncle Jesse has one. He named his "Sis" and feeds it peanuts.

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Don't have one yet? What are you waiting for? I've heard you get a free plate of hot wings with every purchase.

Can I Haz Some Too?

This video of a little kid all stoned after a trip to the dentist's office made me chuckle. Then I got jealous. How come this kid gets legal Ecstasy while my teetotaling dentist only ever gives me Novocaine? Shit, I need to find a new one pronto!

I particularly love the part where he asks, "Is this real life?" Been there! Dad is kind of annoying though. He totally should have quit nattering and put on some tunes. It helps with the mellow.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Some Things I've Been Meaning To Get To, Gotten To

I was tagged by Sweet Cheeks a couple of days ago to do this:

1. Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer.
2. Select the 4th picture in the folder.
3. Explain the picture.
4. Tag 4 people to do the same.

Okey doke. Here it is.

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Explanation: I vaguely remember making this a while back for some reason or another. It's a phrenology map illustrating the different areas of my brain. What I imagine it should look like anyway. Except, if I were really truthful I'd probably label about half of my brain as "unused."

Hmmmmm, you know now that I'm looking at this pic, it strikes me that this would make an excellent meme. I should make a blank phrenology head and tag people to fill it in. Sound good? Would any of you do it? If you won't - too bad! I like the idea. I've always wanted to start one of these things. Let me just put that on my "to do" list right now.

Item #137. Start annoying internet meme.

Done! Heh heh, you guys will really be in for it when I get around to this. (Item #136 is clean out the refrigerator, so it might not be till April or so.)

As for the "4th Pic", I tag anyone who has not already done it. You know who you are.

Now, on to the second piece of bidness.

I won a cool prize from Winnipeg Princess a few weeks ago and I've been meaning to show it off ever since, because it's really cute and something that was sorely needed. Check it out.

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Nice, eh? Now I don't have to beg for tampons when I'm out and about because I always forget them, or else lose them in the black abyss that is my purse.

It's really awful when I need one while at The Boobie Barn. Most of the other girls are so unhelpful. The last time I asked, everyone ignored me except for this one chick named Patrice who screamed, "Shut up, Stupid!" and tried to stab me with an eyeliner pencil. I didn't take it too personally though, since she usually does that to someone at least once a week. Yikes, I can only imagine what her phrenology map would look like.

So anyway, thanks again Princess! If you've never been to her blog you should definitely go pay her a visit. Not only does she give away good stuff, she's also fun and cute as a button.

There, two items crossed off my list. I feel so efficient now.