Monday, January 28, 2008

She Bangs

Ho hum. I haven't blogged much lately, mainly because there is nothing much going on here. Well, besides Tucksworth going on a speed binge and Britinia threatening to kick my butt good. I haven't seen Tucks in over a week, but I did receive a strange note in my mailbox yesterday. Here is what it said:


WE HAVE UR MONKEY AND WE ARE HOLDING HIM PRISIONER.
IF U EVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN THEN U KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO AND
WHEN U NEED TO DO IT.

P.S. ATTACHED IS A PICTURE TO LET U KNO WE MEAN BUSINESS!




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Here is the picture they sent. Those bastards! They are ready to fry his little monkey ass.


Isn't that weird? Someone is holding Tucksworth hostage! I have notified the police and they are working on it as I write this. Poor Tucks, I hope he is staying strong. That picture gave me chills. It reminds me of Lindsay Lohan in that craptastic torture movie I wasted ninety minutes watching I Know Who Killed My Fake Twin Sister. And the worst thing is I have no idea what they want me to do, much less when I should do it! Do you?




In other less worrisome news, I got my hair cut the other day and it looks terrible. I knew that would happen, that's why I only get a haircut once every three years or so. I got five inches cut off the back which went okay but for some reason I lost my mind and asked for bangs.


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I asked for long, sexy bangs like Kate's.



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These are the bangs I got.


Why do hairdressers always do this? You show them a picture of what you want, and state clearly that you don't want your bangs to be too short and they still make you look like a contestant in the Special Olympics! As usual I didn't protest, just tipped her well and went home seething. Well, I guess it will grow. I'm glad that's over with anyway. Now I don't have to bother with another haircut until 2011.

And lastly -- my mommy has left me! She took off to go slut around Florida until the weather in Tennessee warms up. As much as I have complained about having her around and how she gets on my nerves, I find myself missing her. Way more now as an adult than I ever did when I left home at eighteen. What's up with that? Also, it appears that the guy she drove down to Florida with is a total dipshit. I've only met him a few times and I was going to reserve judgement, but as they drove off I noticed his car was covered in Fred Thompson '08 stickers.

I guess I just need more help nowadays. After all, no sooner did she leave then my monkey overdosed on Adderall and got kidnapped by crazy vivisectionists, and I got a really hideous haircut. Come back soon, Mom! I worry about you off in Florida with a dipshit! Plus, well.... the shower is starting to get kinda mildewy. Hey, it's not going to clean itself, you know?

23 comments:

Mister Underhill said...

Your mom leaves and your monkey goes missing at the same time? Coincidence?! I think not. Perhaps the thing you need to do is...clean the shower?

PS Nice tard bangs

WendyB said...

I'm laughing out loud about your bangs even though I know it's not nice to mock the retarded.

BUMBLE!!! said...

Sorry about your bad hair kidnapped monkey day.

Hopefully, both of our tomorrows will be better.

xl said...

I now feel so ashamed that I was afraid of your flying monkey. But on the bright side, at least the monkey lost his bangs in the deal.

MJ said...

When they cut my bangs too short I look like a 5-year-old with progeria; a mysterious aging disease.

Mister Underhill said...

I just got the 'she bangs' pun. I think I must have tard bangs too.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

You need to examine that note closely for clues. You'll need a microscope, I think.

GetFlix said...

Where can I get my "Free Tucksworth" t-shirt?

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Poor Tucksworth. Just be glad it's a picture instead of a finger or something like that. hmmm... do you think perhaps your mother took him as a test to see how you do alone? Well I'm sure when she sees the haircut she will have her answer.

Krissyface said...

why do we ladies always feel the need to tip and run out the door to cry in private when some bitch with a scissors fucks up our hair?

I once cut my own bangs by accident and ended up looking like a bloated Betty Page. Bangs are just never a good idea, in general.

At least you have your monkey's disappearance to distract you.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Your hair will grow quickly. Hopefully the SWAT team can save poor Tucksworth

UBERMOUTH said...

LMFAO you are twisted. NO wonder I love you. Nice hat Tuck's is wearing by the way ,but why is he in a gyno chair and stirrups?

M-M-M-Mishy said...

I need to have "long hair=good, bangs=bad" tattooed on my ass because no matter what, I always think that this time will be different.

Bobby pins. Pin them back with hairspray. You'll only need a month until they are Kate Moss fabulous.

When Tucksworth is released, you should get him high and send him to fuck up that bitch with the scissors.

MsPuddin said...

I think we can work with those bangs. Just clip a little bow in it or something...

Diane said...

Or, a little Something About Mary treatment will spif those bangs right up!

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- mom is too busy slutting it up in Florida to worry about Tucks, but I will clean the shower at some point. Maybe.

Thanks for the compliment about my tard bangs, Alfalfa.

Wendy- it's not nice to mock anyone but that doesn't stop me. I'm fully aware that I'm going to Hell. I don't mind. Heaven sounds kinda dull with all that harp playing and Kumbaya singing.

Bumble- I'll drink to that!

XL- yeh, bangs are a good look on no one I guess.

MJ- LOL you are such a cheeky monkey.

Mister U- snicker.

Blowing Shit Up- where is Encyclopedia Brown when you need him?

GF- that is a capital idea!

Ron- ewww a finger would have been quite gross. It would have been even weirder if they'd sent me a monkey paw. I'd be tempted to make three wishes and we all know how that turns out.

Krissyface- I don't know what it is about the hairdressers that turns me into a mute five year old. I guess I don't want to piss them off in case they turn my hair into a bonsai tree.

Brenda- amen to it all.

Uber- he's been abducted by some real perverts I guess.

Mish- you always give the best advice. That tattoo sounds like a good idea.

Mspuddin- I'm trying to gel the bangs to the side but they spring free and make me look like a FAS victim. Ugh. It's always something.

Diane- my God you are right! I guess I'll ask Mister U to donate some of that special hair gel.

Helen said...

Mine are only now getting to a tolerable length. I bet Ann Coulter never cut her bangs.

Helen said...

I found Tuck, it seems he's changed his name to Taco John and is entertaining the yokels. I bet he faked his own ransom note just for the cash.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=VN-n-LceWTs

marky said...

Fred Thompson stickers. God this guy must be an idiot. And your mom, well, get genetic testing done now. It's down to $1000.

LA said...

I'm going to Florida in two weeks, Pru. If I see the crazy Fred Thompson car driving around, I'll be sure to let your mom know about the mildewy shower. She'll be back in no time. Mom's hate it when their daughters have dirty bathrooms.

prettykitty said...

you know what else is gonna get mildewy? your forehead under your bangs. you should have cut them in october. due to global warming, the seasons are all screwed up. now it's gonna be hot and humid under that head awning.

morbid misanthrope said...

Perhaps Tucksworth just started hanging around with some gothic kids who want to use him to recreate a scene from that Nine Inch Nails Video for their Myspace page. If I were you, I'd go out and beat up every gothic kid I could find. In fact, I'll help you. I'm going out to beat up every gothic kid I can find. And since I'm an overachiever, I'll beat up some emo kids, too. No need to thank me; I'm just happy to help.

Prunella Jones said...

Helen- thanks for finding him, babe. I had suspected the little runt was up to his tricks again.

Marky- oh my mom is very attracted to jerks and idiots. Like mother like daughter. No genetic testing necessary.

LA- please do so. I tried to clean the shower myself but there was scrubbing involved and I didn't want to ruin my nails. Have a great trip!

PK- well, maybe the heat will make them grow faster. Anyway, like they always say it's not the humidity it's the heat! Oh wait I think I mixed that up....nevermind.

Morbid- oh my dark love, oh my evil reaper! How I have pined for you here in the wretched confines of the cemetary that I call home. Without you to talk to my only companions have been my friend Lord Shadow Walker, and the hundred or so trained rats who feast on the remains of the freshly departed. To tell the truth, I'm getting a bit sick of Lord Shadow Walker. He keeps using my eyeliner to draw fresh tears on his face so I'm nearly out. Can you start by beating him first?