Monday, August 10, 2009

There Can Be Only One!

Let's get one thing straight. I, Prunella Jones, AM the star dancer and main attraction at Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits. Everybody knows this.

It took me the last few months to claw my way back to primo headlining status after being forced to leave The Boobie Barn (in order to avoid getting my ass kicked), and I don't take kindly to impudent little jailbait upstarts trying to knock me off my pole. I am not going anywhere!

Right now I am making top bank with my Sarah Palin impersonation. Have I told you guys about it? It's really sweet and so totally easy. All I have to do is pile my hair into a big bun (with a little help from Bump-It hair volumnizer, I just know she uses this product), slip into a slutty stewardess looking suit with some thigh-high stockings, and plop my purple schoolmarm glasses - seen in the pic below - on to my nose.

The better to see you naughty little mavericks with, oh yes!

Then when the DJ says, "Everybody make some noise for the sexy Saraaaaah!" I come out, winking and mugging, and slowly peal my clothes off to the song "Barracuda" by Heart while everyone goes wild.

After I get naked, I just have to toss out a few, "you betchas" and "doncha knows" and "quit staring at my Trig-feeders, you dirty libs!" and the cash money flies towards me. I can't keep up with all the lap dance requests. Even the die-hard Republican's love it.

This is as it should be, of course. I was put on this earth to be a superstar.

That's why the new dancer at work better watch herself.

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Puh-leaze. Who wants to see her shake it? Besides Pedo-Bear I mean.

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Just look at this boring little hillbilly. Who is she trying to kid? Get this, she calls herself, "MileyCyrus" - what kind of stripper name is that I ask you? And honey, the skanky, Lindsay Lohanesque, kinderwhore shorts wearing, grinding-on-an-ice cream-cart while lipsincing to "Sugarwalls" has been done to death. It's so 2002.

Besides, it attracts all the pedophiles and everyone knows they are terrible tippers. Not to mention being really, really creepy.

As opposed to the run-of-the-mill, only slightly creepy horndogs we usually attract, I mean.

Look little girl, I'm thinking it's about time for you to pack up your zit cream and leave the ass shaking to the pros, mmkay. Classy Earl's may be a big place but I'm afraid it's not big enough for the both of us. Remember what happened to Britney Sue Spears when she tried to horn in on my popularity?

Oh, that's right. You were probably still in diapers then.

Well, let me let you in on a little secret, sweet 'ems. You know that douchenozzle she married and reproduced with, KFed? Who do you think introduced her to him? Hmmmm?

That's right, it was me. I'm ruthless, honey. I'll do anything it takes to stay at the top of this business. If you continue trying to (finger quotes) "out-sexy" me on the stripper pole, then you may as well consider yourself served.

It will be so on!


Some Guy said...

She clearly has no idea who she's up against.

xl said...

I remember the Bella incident. I still think you could have taken her ass out. It might have taken a little equalizer, like an old golf club, but hey.

Anyway, I know you can roll this micro-skank!

Mr. Condescending said...

I miss hearin 'bout the booby barn!


Kill her!

jeremy said...

i'd never tip a sarah palin stripper for fear of winding up with a retarded for a baby.

John Smith said...

Where were all the kinderwhores when I was growing up?

Prunella Jones said...

Some Guy- damn straight! I've seen Showgirls. Her ass is going down some stairs.

XL- thanks for the vote of confidence, XL, but those Twilighters have crazy retard strength going for them. I'm not about to mess with that.

Mr. C- well, I don't miss dancing there that's for sure. And I hated all that jello wrestling.

Uber - that's always an option. Do you know someone?

Jeremy- how would that happen? Do you jizz on the dollar bills first?
Because that is no longer allowed at Earl's. We are classy!

Prunella Jones said...

John Smith- in the remedial classes, duh!

Bill Stankus said...

Hold on, don't do any thing outlandish (or overly political) I'm sending a priest!

Lulu LaBonne said...

Tell her the tips are better in the Jello pit - maybe she'll head that way

diane said...

Before I met Cute Hubby, one of my best friends was a stripper named Crazy Linda. She once got drunk on tequila and broke her leg by falling off of the bar when she was doing a somersault. Anyway, she was the best and highest paid stripper that I knew. And she wore costumes. My favorite had a bouquet of roses on her back side, long gloves, and a big hat like the one Audrey Hepburn wore in Breakfast at Tiffany's. She wore a fushia colored dress when she got married, which looked sensational with her black hair. What is my point, you may ask? It's this: Definitely milk the costume thing for all it's worth. Leave the mindless grinding to the toddlers. Nuff said. Hugs. xo d

honkeie2 said...

nothing wrong with some compitention to keep you on top of your game. If no one put up a fight then you pole abilities would suffer and your game would be out the window. Go out there and kick some gogo bitch tail!

erin said...

Think her dad came up with that pole routine? Think he watched her practice every day?

Cora said...

Did Disney approve THAT?! Really?! Mickey Mouse likes his underage starlets pole dancing on ice cream carts?! Ha ha ha - this utterly cracks me up!!

Cameron said...

Glenn Beck is a douche-ball.

Dr Zibbs said...

I demand pictures. And What's the REAL name of the place you work?

WendyB said...

I feel sorry for her for messing with you. She's doomed.

Prunella Jones said...

Bill - by overly political do you mean like throw feces and demand to see Dick Cheney's birth certificate? If so you're too late!

Lulu - you mean lie? Heh heh, excellent.

Diane - Crazy Linda sounds like my kind of gal. Costumes are the sexiest part of burlesque to me.

Honk - Sir, yes sir! Hoohah!

Erin - yes and definitely.

Cora - DUI, coke inspired meltdown and rehab visit coming within the next year, count on it.

Cameron - um...I think you meant this comment for the last post? No matter, you speak the truth, baby!

Zibbs - I just gave you two pics of Miley.

And okay, Earl's is just a pseudonym. It's really called Juggy McDryhumps.

WendyB - there can be only one!

words...words...words... said...

First, "Trig-feeders" made me spill coffee on myself. You will be receiving a bill.

Second, you should create a stripper version of a Twilight hottie, go back to the Boobie Barn for one night, and just destroy.

Third, this entry is awesome :)

Lostinspace said...

I'd like to know why, in the second pic, ice creanm girl is surrounded by mostly chicks? Does she hand out free popscicles as part of her act? That would be tough to follow.

Lostinspace said...

wait a minute, I just got punked didn't I? That really is Miley. Oh.

Prunella Jones said...

Words - excellent idea! I might just try that.

Lost - punked, LOL!