Friday, August 14, 2009

OMG!

OMG!

I may have just accidentally swallowed a bug that landed in my tea.

I think it was just a gnat, but what if it wasn't?

What if it was something far worse?

What if it was some kind of flying, parasitic, mosquito-like thingee?

What if its laying it's filthy, squirming eggs in my esophagus right now?!

It probably is!

Parasitic, flying mosquito worm eggs that will hatch within days and make their way up my throat, and through my nasal passages into my cerebellum and burrow deep into my frontal brainial cavity!

And then the worms will settle in, feasting on what few smarticles I have left, growing fatter and fatter on my diminishing thoughts, until they are poking out of my ears like linguine and I am left a drooling idiot.

Then I'll spend my days twiddling my thumbs and nodding my head along to Jonas Brothers songs until I am hauled before Obama's newly reformed government health care's dreaded "Death Panel."

Fox News said that the Death Panel will be staffed by Dr. Hannibal Lecter, Dr. Kevorlian, and Dick Cheney. What if that's true?

They'll kill me for sure!

After harvesting my salvageable organs, of course, to sell to the highest bidder.

And then they'll grind up whatever is left of me and add it to cow feed for the extra protein.

And then...OMG!

When the cows are slaughtered and ground into meat patties and sold to grocery stores around the country, some of you will eat them.

Hamburgers containing me and my brainial cavity worm eggs.

Which will hatch in your intestines and start to multiply...

Even if you are a vegetarian you'll still get them because the wormy cow shit will be used as fertilizer to grow your soybeans and veggies, and also seep into the ground water.

OMG, I've just killed us all!!! Humanity is doomed! DOOMED! We will all be dead by 2012 because of me!

I'm so sorry.


Does anyone have a Valium? I need to go lie down for a while.

18 comments:

Warped Mind of Ron said...

As long as we die before 2012 and have to see to much of Palin trying to form coherent sentences as she runs for President. Heck... If she starts adds early I'll track you down for the eggs myself.

Cora said...

See? One more reason to hate bugs!

Bill Stankus said...

It could be worse. "They" could put you in a cage and send around to faith healers and religious snake handlers as practice material for their acts... Repug versions of healthcare.

Darth Cheney might even show you his laboratory - where he did secret experiments on George Bush and Gitmo volunteers.

Dr Zibbs said...

One of my biggest fears is that I'll get worms.

xl said...

Ha! I'm not afraid of wormy meat patties because my system so full of Agent Orange!

Some Guy said...

Are you sure you didn't steal this post verbatim from something you heard a caller say on the Limbaugh show today?

erin said...

It's all the fault of that 'Monster's Inside Me' show on Animal Planet. Damn that fucking show and all it's producers and writers straight to hell!

UBERMOUTH said...

You'll need two valiums since we won't be dying until 2012-we'll have time to sue you!

If you want to enjoy your last years, I suggest you settle.

Mr. Condescending said...

Pru I think it was a dung beetle, ew!

All This Trouble... said...

Thanks a lot.

WendyB said...

I'm wondering how many smarticles I have.

Mr. Condescending said...

Oh I just checked, it was just a little fruit fly, now you will turn into a giant grape and if you sit in the sun to ferment we can drink you for dinner.

John Smith said...

Don't worry, the worms will have their best and most witty citizens manning the controls of your body once your brain is gone. You'll become rich and famous, though you will suddenly be oddly republican, which is what will clue me in to your condition and force me to use 4 dum dum bullets to the head.

diane said...

I can't get past "salvageable organs". Do boobs count? Because I bet your boobs will sell for a lot.

I think I might be having some kind of an epileptic fit from looking at Warped Mind of Ron's little blinking sign for too long.

Dedene said...

Bugs are just another source of protein. Don't worry, you won't get sick, humanity is safe!

Girl Interrupted said...

We could call it Pru Flu!!

words...words...words... said...

Wow. When all his bugquaintances hear what this little bug has accomplished simply by lying in wait in your drink, he is so getting laid.

Prunella Jones said...

No worries everyone, I killed the parasites by drinking copious amounts of wine and taking lots of various fun pharmaceuticals. All better.