Sure I can make scads of money right now just by shaking my naked ass and twirling around on a pole, but that won't last forever. In these uncertain economic times, a person needs job security. That's why I've decided it would be a good idea to branch out a bit a bit and learn a skill that will always be in demand.
I've decided to become a ventriloquist.
Now, I know it won't be easy and will require lots of time and effort but I think I can do this. My mom found an old book of ventriloquist tips for me at the thrift store, and I've been practicing throwing my voice for the past few weeks. It's not really all that hard, actually. The hardest part was finding an affordable dummy. They can be quite expensive, but luckily I came across a whole boxful of puppet parts at a garage sale and was able to cobble a few together and so far so good. I think I'm a natural.
Here, let me show you a bit of my act and you guys tell me what you think, okay?
PRU: Hi everyone, I'm The Amazing Prunella and this is my friend Mrs. Danvers. Say hello to the folks, Mrs. Danvers.
MRS. D: Sinners! The day of judgment is at hand. Ye shall be judged, oh yes! Hahahahaha!
PRU: Now, now Mrs. D, what makes you say that?
MRS. D: It was written...America shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God. And they shall fall by the sword, the filthy heathens, one by one: their infants shall be dashed into pieces, their women stoned with bricks, their men castrated, their tongues ripped out, and their eyeballs gouged squishily. And no one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut shall enter the assembly of the Lord. For my god is a jealous god and those that curse his name shall have their heads chopped off and thrown into the river of blood and heads. BLOOD AND HEADS!
PRU: Whoa. That's a little bit...well, nevermind. Wanna hear a joke? Knock knock -
MRS. D: It is you who are the joke, young Jezebel! The BIBLE has much to say of you and your carnal sisters. I quote:
"Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions."
PRU: Wait....stallions?
MRS. D: Lo, shall he punish the WHORES, sending an angel with a mighty sword. And he shall stabith thee in thy guts, and ripith out thy still beating whore heart, which shall be fed to demons and lizards. Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.
PRU: Um....
MRS. D: Blood must be spilled! Yes, BLOOD - thick enough to swim in - for only then shall the TRUE believers be lifted from the kingdom of dragons --
PRU: OKAY! Thanks Mrs. Danvers, but now let's hear from some other friends, shall we? Everyone, I'd like you to meet my pal, Pete in the Box. How's it going, Pete?
PETE: Are you alone?
PRU: Yes, well I mean, it's just me and a few people from the internet.
PETE: The internet? Are you crazy? Don't even go there, I'm warning you. I wrote a letter to President Bush and told him about the super computer being built in Belgium in order to warn him, but instead he took that knowledge and used it to build a giant hurricane machine. You don't really believe Hurricane Katrina was a natural disaster, do you? Cause I can assure you, it wasn't.
PRU: Whatever, okay Pete. Why don't you sing a song while I drink this glass of water?
PETE: Take a Vitamin C while you're at it and wash your hands. The government is getting ready to release the really deadly Swine flu virus this month. That stuff in the Spring was just a test. They are already building FEMA camps to lock up all the people who refuse to get vaccinated. Don't take the shot, though! It's contaminated with AIDS. And leprosy. This is all part of Obama's plan to get everyone sickly enough so he can implement his death panel of doom.
PRU: Sigh.
Okay then, moving on. Let's talk to Johnny! Hi Johnny.
JOHNNY: Hel-lo.
PRU: How are you feeling today, Johnny?
JOHNNY: Vedy good. S'okay.
PRU: S'okay?
JOHNNY: S'okay. S'alright.
MRS. DANVERS: (interrupting) FOOLS! Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it...Malachi 2:3.
JOHNNY: Oh, oh! S'notokay! S'notalright!
PRU: Please Mrs. Danver --
MRS. DANVERS: Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, wig for a WIG!
JOHNNY: AHHHHHHH!! NOOOOOOOO!
Ba-dah-dah! The End.
Well, that's it so far. Do you love it?
These dummies are a trip. It's almost like they have a mind of their own, or something. But I think with a few tweaks, we'll be ready to debut the act at my nephew's fourth birthday party this weekend. Kids love talking puppets so I'm sure we'll be a big hit.
17 comments:
I think in an effort to get the most out of your labors for now and for the future, you and Mrs. Danvers should do a tandem strip ventriloquist act. You could get some of those long balloons that balloon animal makers use and fill them with water to be Mrs. Danvers' tits.
Stop looking at me like that. No, I'm not drunk. I'm actually at work.
I tried out as a ventriloquist dummy once but I had no idea what they did with their hands. I am not so sure it was a tryout as such, though, because I was only five.
Your act is definitely better than any ventriloquist act I've seen so far. I'd love to see something like that on carson. Er, leno, or whoever does the late night show the crazy young folk watch these days.
I do love it. And I think I have a little crush on Mrs. Danvers.
Well, I suppose I could always take off my top if I start to bomb.
Mrs. Danvers is a big ol' flirt, isn't she? All that talk of stallion cum and donkey dick, I think the bitch is obsessed!
I think Mrs. Danvers is a bit of a downer. You know, she may scare off your potential audience=potential customers.
Pete's ok, just a bit paranoid, but people will love him because he makes them feel superior.
Johnny's a happy go lucky dude with a FABULOUS shade of pink lipstick, and seems like fun.
All in all I'd say you have the makings of a potential career.
Tell Danvers to dry up and not take it all so seriously. Sheesh..
I'm pretty sure my mother's church would love to book Mrs. Danvers for a tent revival!
Keep Mrs. Danvers off the blogs- we have enough trouble here. :)
Wow, I just got a call from FOX News. They love Mrs. Danvers and Pete and want them to guest on Fox and Friends. Not Johnny tho, poor guy. Maybe I can get him a gig on the Style Network.
I've heard of playing with a woody ... but I'm shocked, oh so shocked to hear you are doing so ... what hope is left?
I occasionally make MrB imitate Senor Wences for me. I am easily amused.
All those puppets make my skin crawl. They remind me of some bad episode of Twilight Zone!
Excellent!
I bet that you could combine the two professions easily though.
Don't men get bored of just sitting there staring at tits and ass all night long? Maybe they'd like some stimulating conversation from your dummies...
Probably not?
Erin - you would think so, but no, men seem to never get tired of looking at tits and ass. Sometimes when I talk to them it seems as if they are hypnotized by my boobs and can barely grunt out an answer. When I notice that happening I try to give them a hypnotic suggestion like, "you will now reach into your wallet and pull out a twenty to give to these boobs..."
Unfortunately that always seems to break the spell, dangit.
Pru, I think you're a genius. The best way to put serious information out there is through humor. I salute you!
so tell me more about these carnal sisters of yours...
If you get that act touring in Ohio call me and tell me where, there's no way I would miss it!!
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