Saturday, August 08, 2009

Morons for Moronica! Hoo-ray!

My fellow Americans, I have a dream.

Yes I do, shall I tell you about it? It's for all those non-moneyed, conservative Americans out there too stupid to vote for their own interests.

Not sure who I'm talking about? Let me clarify.

I am talking about the teabaggers, the birthers, the Rush Limbaugh worshipers, the gun-loving, mouth-breathing, cousin-fucking, "Real Americans" who are storming Town Hall meetings across the land, threatening violence so that they can be allowed to have their healthcare rationed and denied by the CEOs of insurance companies, rather than have any sort of option from the horribly incompetent and evil gub'mint. 'Cos that's dirty, dirty socialism, doncha know?

The people who say "OMG they're going to make the insurance companies actually compete with a low cost alternative partially paid for by people with too much money. ZOMG HITLER!!! Where's my gun, Cletus?!!

The hearty, true patriot, Joe Sixpack/Fake Plumbers of the land, I have a dream for you.

I have a dream for all of those who love unregulated markets, Glen Beck, and Jeebus. For those with IQs slightly lower than Sarah Palin but just above dishwater. For those who worry that their children will turn to witchcraft because they read a Harry Potter book.

I have a dream, all right.

My dream is that the people I've described will rise up and form their very own country. Possibly in Texas.

Now Friends, if this describes you, I implore you to seriously consider this idea.

Think about it. Why would you want to stay here with the rest of us secular humanists types and fancy mustard lovin' libs, paying taxes to a President (who wasn't even born here!) who wants to kill old people and steal your money so he can abort retarded babies and harvest their stem cells for a bunch of damn elitist scientists? I've also heard that he plans to make sex changes mandatory for all those who refuse to be vaccinated with the ghey. Bill O'Reilly told me so, so you know it's true.

Secede, my friends! Secede and make your own country. This is the only way!

Secede and do it now, before that Kenyan takes your guns away! You know he wants to. Hurry up, secede! Take Texas! Turn it into a country just for you and those who think like you do. A country that you can be proud of. It could be called "Moronica" or "Real 'Merica" and Sarah Palin can be your queen.

Wouldn't she be a lovely queen? All the pansy libs would die from jealousy over her beauty and smartness. And anyone who made fun of her or questioned the things she said could be shot immediately.

Just think of it. Close your eyes and imagine. Dream. Can't you see it? A place of your very own where no one has to pay taxes ever! A place completely independent! A place with good Christian family values.

A place with no polysyllabic words.

In short, I'm talking about a Republican utopia.

In Moronica there will be no abortion EVER. Nope, not even if your wife is dying or your 12-year-old daughter gets raped. God has sayeth unto Fox News that a fetus is way more important then the uterus what holds it, therefore it must be so. You won't have to worry about that anyway 'cause these things won't happen as long as them womens keep their slut legs together anyhow.

No homo-fairy-fag gheys allowed in your country. (Men with a wide stance are okay, though 'cause that's not ghey.) Ditto for them welfare-lovin' dark people and funny talkin' furiners. Everyone in Real 'Merica will be good ol' bootstrappin' rugged individualists and mavericks what speak English just like Jesus.

Nobody, but nobody will get a free ride in your republican paradise, this I'll personally guarantee. Because there won't be any of that nightmarish Social Security crap for you. No, old people, the retarded, and disabled will strap on their boots and get to work everyday if they want to eat just the way the good lord intended, dadgubit.

Luckily health care won't be a problem because everyone knows that prayer cures cancer and abstinence cures everything else.

In Real 'Merica there will be a church on every corner and no schools to infect your children with librul ideas like evolution and putting g's on the end of words. No libraries neither. That's socialist. Anyway, readin's a waste of time and not very bootstrappy.

And think how handy it will be when The Rapture begins. All of you good Christians will be right there in one place, making it that much easier for the angels to lift you up to Heaven.

Nope, nothing in Real "Merica (or Moronica) except good ol' bootstrappin' rugged individualists and mavericks. Yep, yep. How wonderful it would be! What a dream!

Except....hold on. I just realized something.

Now that I think about it, Real 'Merica already exists as a nation. Duh! How have we not noticed this before? It's called Somalia.

No need to form a whole new country when that one meets all your requirements.

Check it out. Somalia is a teabagger's paradise. There is no police, no government officials meddling in business. No regulation of anything. No TAXES! No LAWS! No public health system. Nothing but pure boot-strappiness! HEE HAW!

Of course, there are quite a few darkies, but hey you guys got plenty of guns. Run 'em off, send 'em to Kenya and the country is yours. Obama will be happy to give them Somalians some sort of handout once they get up there to his homeland.

Just think of it! Real 'Merica right there in Africa.

Once the rest of the continent gets a load of your fine democracy you know they'll be wantin' it for themselves for sure, and soon enough the land will be covered in WalMarts and McDonalds. Can't you see it? Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it? John Wayne and Ronald Reagan would be so damn proud.

So what are you guys waiting for? Get to it! Off with you all of you to Somalia quickly! Have a good trip and don't forget to write. Oops! I forgot, there is no post office there either.

Oh well, no loss. I certainly won't miss you at all, that's for sure. Buh-bye!


Mr. Condescending said...

Goddam' Pruneller!

Can we a still have a booby barn? Huyck huyck.

This was a superb post pru, I hate those 'merican losers.

Prunella Jones said...

I think you may have to sneak over the border to find a Booby Barn, Mr. C. After all, nekidity is sinful. That's why we are all born with fig leaves covering our privates.

xl said...

Excepting Austin, the soft squishy pinko center, Texas is pretty much like that already. Do we have to give Austin them too?

Prunella Jones said...

No! I'm thinking Austin would have to be like Berlin in back in cold war Germany.

Some Guy said...

I just started reading you blog, but if this post is any indication of what I can expect I will definitely be back. Great stuff!

Cora said...

Heh heh heh. What you described is my ex-husbands dream, Pru. HIS ULTIMATE WET DREAM!!!! He has three other kids out there in the world all under the age of 5, and he swears he isn't going to let any of them go to school because they'll be "brainwashed by Liberals" - yep - his plan is to give up his uber impressive poker dealing job and make his wife work two jobs to support him and the brood, so he can stay home and teach the kids himself.

I swear I'm not making that up.

He thinks he can just stay home and teach them only the stuff he wants them to learn and that the state has no business questioning that! Ummm.... hello?!

Once again let me praise the blessings of divorce.

Oh! And his mother taught their dog to attack whenever she says "there are Liberals in the yard." Nice, huh?

Bill Stankus said...

Now that's she's not working can Paula be the Queenette of Moronica?

And Utah spelled backwards is still Utah.

Anonymous said...

Moronica will comfort us Europeans in our belief that all the Americans are completely bonkers and need to be put in a cage.

John Smith said...

That's how texas is already. That's why they are forced to leave and annoy the shit out of us or starve to death.

A mandatory free sex xhange for not getting innoculated? Intriguing. What a beautiful manloveboy drug paradise.

I want all of the things eveyrone says are so bad to be prominent feature of society. Hookers blowing senators in a jacuzi from of meth.

diane said...

Now don't you be gettin all upitty and smart on us missy! It sure aint no woman's place to be chewin on bout such things, ya hear? And fox news is put out by them smart government fellas, so they can't be wrong. I hear tell, Obama's out new savior. Aint that a kick in the *ss?

Hawanja said...

Yeah, isn't it disgusting how easily these people are manipulated?

Prunella Jones said...

Some Guy - oh good, come back often. I'm hilarious and sometimes I post pics of my rack which is stunning.

Cora - Holy Godzilla, girl! I had no idea it was that bad. Praise Jeebus for divorce lawyers indeed.

Bill - Paula will be busy selling her jewelry on QVC and getting high with me. Besides, any country with her as queen would have to be called Vicodinia and it would be a sweet place to live.

And Utah spelled backwards is Magic Underwear.

Dedene - can I come live with you?

John Smith - yeah, I've been to Texas. That's why I suggested it.

Diane - sorry, I wouldn't be this uppity if only I had a man around to correct my behavior.

Hawanja - IQ tests should be required before voting. Sort of like "you must be this tall to ride" you must be this smart to vote.

Lulu LaBonne said...

I love the idea of xl getting his own private Berlin - I'd visit and we'd go outside the walls to set fire to a few birther cars just to give 'em something to get more angry with.

Great post Pru, you've clearly been snacking on the Cocopops and Kalua again!

John Smith said...

'my own private berlin' has a nice ring to it.

honkeie2 said...

I was in TX last year, Dallas, and I saw quiet a few homo-fag-ass pirates running about...and a couple of them i think were jewish and black.....say it aint sooo!

jeremy said...

we would, but there are just a few too many mexicans there. maybe nebraska...

Diane said...

Well done, my friend!

Prunella Jones said...