My fellow Americans, I have a dream.
Yes I do, shall I tell you about it? It's for all those non-moneyed, conservative Americans out there too stupid to vote for their own interests.
Not sure who I'm talking about? Let me clarify.
I am talking about the teabaggers, the birthers, the Rush Limbaugh worshipers, the gun-loving, mouth-breathing, cousin-fucking, "Real Americans" who are storming Town Hall meetings across the land, threatening violence so that they can be allowed to have their healthcare rationed and denied by the CEOs of insurance companies, rather than have any sort of option from the horribly incompetent and evil gub'mint. 'Cos that's dirty, dirty socialism, doncha know?
The people who say "OMG they're going to make the insurance companies actually compete with a low cost alternative partially paid for by people with too much money. ZOMG HITLER!!! Where's my gun, Cletus?!!
The hearty, true patriot, Joe Sixpack/Fake Plumbers of the land, I have a dream for you.
I have a dream for all of those who love unregulated markets, Glen Beck, and Jeebus. For those with IQs slightly lower than Sarah Palin but just above dishwater. For those who worry that their children will turn to witchcraft because they read a Harry Potter book.
I have a dream, all right.
My dream is that the people I've described will rise up and form their very own country. Possibly in Texas.
Now Friends, if this describes you, I implore you to seriously consider this idea.
Think about it. Why would you want to stay here with the rest of us secular humanists types and fancy mustard lovin' libs, paying taxes to a President (who wasn't even born here!) who wants to kill old people and steal your money so he can abort retarded babies and harvest their stem cells for a bunch of damn elitist scientists? I've also heard that he plans to make sex changes mandatory for all those who refuse to be vaccinated with the ghey. Bill O'Reilly told me so, so you know it's true.
Secede, my friends! Secede and make your own country. This is the only way!
Secede and do it now, before that Kenyan takes your guns away! You know he wants to. Hurry up, secede! Take Texas! Turn it into a country just for you and those who think like you do. A country that you can be proud of. It could be called "Moronica" or "Real 'Merica" and Sarah Palin can be your queen.
Wouldn't she be a lovely queen? All the pansy libs would die from jealousy over her beauty and smartness. And anyone who made fun of her or questioned the things she said could be shot immediately.
Just think of it. Close your eyes and imagine. Dream. Can't you see it? A place of your very own where no one has to pay taxes ever! A place completely independent! A place with good Christian family values.
A place with no polysyllabic words.
In short, I'm talking about a Republican utopia.
In Moronica there will be no abortion EVER. Nope, not even if your wife is dying or your 12-year-old daughter gets raped. God has sayeth unto Fox News that a fetus is way more important then the uterus what holds it, therefore it must be so. You won't have to worry about that anyway 'cause these things won't happen as long as them womens keep their slut legs together anyhow.
No homo-fairy-fag gheys allowed in your country. (Men with a wide stance are okay, though 'cause that's not ghey.) Ditto for them welfare-lovin' dark people and funny talkin' furiners. Everyone in Real 'Merica will be good ol' bootstrappin' rugged individualists and mavericks what speak English just like Jesus.
Nobody, but nobody will get a free ride in your republican paradise, this I'll personally guarantee. Because there won't be any of that nightmarish Social Security crap for you. No, old people, the retarded, and disabled will strap on their boots and get to work everyday if they want to eat just the way the good lord intended, dadgubit.
Luckily health care won't be a problem because everyone knows that prayer cures cancer and abstinence cures everything else.
In Real 'Merica there will be a church on every corner and no schools to infect your children with librul ideas like evolution and putting g's on the end of words. No libraries neither. That's socialist. Anyway, readin's a waste of time and not very bootstrappy.
And think how handy it will be when The Rapture begins. All of you good Christians will be right there in one place, making it that much easier for the angels to lift you up to Heaven.
Nope, nothing in Real "Merica (or Moronica) except good ol' bootstrappin' rugged individualists and mavericks. Yep, yep. How wonderful it would be! What a dream!
Except....hold on. I just realized something.
Now that I think about it, Real 'Merica already exists as a nation. Duh! How have we not noticed this before? It's called Somalia.
No need to form a whole new country when that one meets all your requirements.
Check it out. Somalia is a teabagger's paradise. There is no police, no government officials meddling in business. No regulation of anything. No TAXES! No LAWS! No public health system. Nothing but pure boot-strappiness! HEE HAW!
Of course, there are quite a few darkies, but hey you guys got plenty of guns. Run 'em off, send 'em to Kenya and the country is yours. Obama will be happy to give them Somalians some sort of handout once they get up there to his homeland.
Just think of it! Real 'Merica right there in Africa.
Once the rest of the continent gets a load of your fine democracy you know they'll be wantin' it for themselves for sure, and soon enough the land will be covered in WalMarts and McDonalds. Can't you see it? Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it? John Wayne and Ronald Reagan would be so damn proud.
So what are you guys waiting for? Get to it! Off with you all of you to Somalia quickly! Have a good trip and don't forget to write. Oops! I forgot, there is no post office there either.
Oh well, no loss. I certainly won't miss you at all, that's for sure. Buh-bye!