Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Spirits Are Telling Me They Are Bored

I can see dead people.

Well okay, not really, but I'd like to. I'd like to see them, and speak to them, and have them answer me back. Who wouldn't? It would be so cool to be a medium. I have a million questions about the afterlife.

My mom and I used to watch that "Crossing Over" show where the psychic guy, John Edwards, would go over to an audience member and say something like, "I see a lady behind you with gray hair and a nice smile. She loves you very much."

And of course the person would gasp, "Grandma!" or "Mom" and start crying tears of joy. Then the psychic would deliver some sort of bland message from Grandma like, "She wants you to know she's not suffering anymore, she's happy," and the audience would break into wild applause as if something amazing had just happened instead of bullshit.

That show would piss me off to no end - tho it didn't prevent me from watching it, of course - because well, imagine being dead and finding yourself actually able to communicate with your loved ones. Would you really only want to just reassure them that you are fine and not suffering? How boring! Personally, I'd want to have a bit of fun with my relatives.

"Oh my goodness," John would say, "I see a willowy blond woman behind you and it looks like she's screaming....screaming in agony. And she's sounds like...Help me! I'm burning. BURNING!"

Rest assured, if one day a psychic ever says that to you, then it's most likely me fucking around from the spirit world after having been killed by a psychotic Twilight fan. Well, geez, I'll need to find some way to amuse myself while floating around on a cloud. What the heck else am I going to do all day, sing Kumbaya? Ugh!

Anyway, I only bring this up because I've been thinking about my dad lately. He died right around this time four years ago from heart failure. We had him cremated (as he requested) and then were kinda unsure what to do with him after that. I wanted to sprinkle him somewhere, but my mom balked, and my brother had no opinion, so dad's been sitting in an urn upstairs on top of my mom's television.

It's a pretty good resting place for him, I think. He really loved TV.

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Meet my dad. His urn doesn't really sparkle like this. It should though, IMO.

My dad and I never really got along in life, but now that he's dead I enjoy having conversations with him. Like every once in awhile, usually during a commercial break, I'll glance over at the urn and say, "Hey dad, do you know that we have a black president now? And his middle name is - get this - Hussain!"

Then I cackle a bit and picture dad's ashes whirling around in a frenzy inside of his jar.

"And guess what?" I'll continue. "Our black Muslim president is planning on making a death panel to kill off all the mouthy old people so we don't have to pay them social security."

This makes dad spin so fast the urn practically levitates.

"Since there will be no room for crips in our new communist state, Mom will probably be joining you as soon as she breaks a hip. Won't that be nice?"

At that point, I'll start to worry that the top to his container might explode and blow his ashes all over the room, so I quit taunting him. Besides, the House rerun I'm watching is usually back on by then anyway.

This morning, upon reading that Ted Kennedy died, I thought, - Oh good, now dad will have someone new to argue with. He'll love that."

Ted probably won't enjoy it, but maybe he'll luck out and there's alcohol in the great beyond. Do you think there is? This is one of the things I'd really like to hear about. Why doesn't John Edwards ask these types of questions?

Oh, that's right. He's a fraud. Duh!

You know, not too long ago a New Age-minded friend gave me a really pretty, rose quartz pendulum. I'd forgotten all about it. Ever heard of them? Basically, they are a tool that is supposed to help to help you contact the deceased. What you do is hold the pendulum above your open palm and ask it yes or no questions. If it swings back and forth that means yes. If it goes around in a circle, that means no.

Or maybe it's the opposite way? (Note to self, check on that.)

If there's nothing good on TV tonight, maybe I'll get out the pendulum and try to get in touch with my dad, or Ted Kennedy, or some other dead person. If I do make contact, is there anything you like to ask the spirits? Leave your questions in the comments and I promise I will do my best to answer them.


Prunella Jones said...

Spirits are supposed to know all so you can ask about anything you want, including the future. It has to be a yes or no question though.

xl said...

Two questions for Teddy:

Was there a second gunman on the grassy knoll?

Is Mary Jo Kopechne pissed?

@eloh said...

Since "being saved" involves confessing with the lips....and justice has been denied to Mary Jo and her baby....I think Satan has a new mouthy minion to deal with.

After all, it is would you like to spend eternity with ole Teddy.

P.S. I just put mom back in the room she died in. I sure hope I don't forget what's in the box when I get a cleaning fit.

diane said...

Do you think there will be some kind of an angry mob waiting for Ted on the other side? Maybe they're spiritual now, but I bet they're still angry.

Prunella Jones said...

XL- okay, got 'em.

@Eloh- well, if Ted is forced to spend eternity listening to my dad bloviate on and on about politics, then, believe me, he's probably not going to enjoy himself much.

It would be funny if you accidentally donated your mom to Goodwill during a cleaning fit. I swear I have seen a few urns while shopping there. I didn't check to see if they were full of ashes, but I should've, dangit. They'd probably knock a dollar or two off the price if Grandma was still in it.

Prunella Jones said...

Diane - maybe so. There will probably be quite a few sections of the afterlife he'll have to avoid.

Bill Stankus said...

I always thought, to save land and not waste it on cemeteries, dead people, either as stiffs or ashes could be used as fill material underneath new roads and freeways. That or fill in old used up coal mines.

erin said...

Do I have to wear the same thing everyday in heaven?

Do you have to poop in heaven? I hate pooping.

words...words...words... said...

In heaven, do we have the bodies we had on Earth? Because if I'm going to have to live with this thing forever, I'll start working out. But if I get a shiny new one when I die, then fuck it.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Are there strippers in heaven? Are the stripper easy? Are there any diseases you might catch from the strippers?

Prunella Jones said...

All right!

These questions are getting good.

And Bill, I think that's a pretty good idea, tho personally I'd preferer being turned into Soylent Green. In fact, I have my suspicions about tofu. Is is really made from soybeans...really?

John Smith said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John Smith said...

Wow, someone else took my question. That's freaky.

I bet ole ted is looking down on us right now and smiling now that he has his own personal bartender following him around for all eternity. I'll have a triple scotch and a backup scotch and a boiler, hat's a shot glass floating in a larger glass of scotch. Now scotch me, scotch boy!

Lostinspace said...

Why do folks put the urn on top of the TV? This seems to be a common spot for the deceased.

John Smith said...

urns make great antennae.

@eloh said...

Hey Bill, Prunell.....have you ever heard the "story" of the Autobahn....

WendyB said...

I want you to know I'm not suffering anymore. I'm happy. Well, I have a crick in my neck. It kind of hurts. But I'm not suffering too much. I'm not totally happy either, but I'm content. Don't worry about me.

jeremy said...

why have i been so gassy lately?

Cora said...

My mom and my grandpa had a sassy kind of relationship where they always made fun of each other. He promised that he'd send a sign from the beyond (ooOOooOOooOOooh) if he could once he kicked the bucket. No joke, about a week after he died funny things started happening to my mom. First a bird flew over and dropped a slice of bread on her head. Then a knot of wood hit her on the head from nowhere. And then the old clock started chiming and wouldn't stop. She's SURE it was Grandpa's doing. Who knows? Maybe it was. It's definitely the sort of stuff I think he'd find really amusing - dropping crap on my mom's head from the sky! *snicker*

Cheasty said...

I always wondered the same thing about those dead people. They're all so nice and reassuring, and the Edwards guy... well, all I can say is he looked better when he was running for president.

hehe. just kidding.