The Spirits Are Telling Me They Are Bored

I can see dead people.

Well okay, not really, but I'd like to. I'd like to see them, and speak to them, and have them answer me back. Who wouldn't? It would be so cool to be a medium. I have a million questions about the afterlife.

My mom and I used to watch that "Crossing Over" show where the psychic guy, John Edwards, would go over to an audience member and say something like, "I see a lady behind you with gray hair and a nice smile. She loves you very much."

And of course the person would gasp, "Grandma!" or "Mom" and start crying tears of joy. Then the psychic would deliver some sort of bland message from Grandma like, "She wants you to know she's not suffering anymore, she's happy," and the audience would break into wild applause as if something amazing had just happened instead of bullshit.

That show would piss me off to no end - tho it didn't prevent me from watching it, of course - because well, imagine being dead and finding yourself actually able to communicate with your loved ones. Would you really only want to just reassure them that you are fine and not suffering? How boring! Personally, I'd want to have a bit of fun with my relatives.

"Oh my goodness," John would say, "I see a willowy blond woman behind you and it looks like she's screaming....screaming in agony. And she's saying...it sounds like...Help me! I'm burning. BURNING!"

Rest assured, if one day a psychic ever says that to you, then it's most likely me fucking around from the spirit world after having been killed by a psychotic Twilight fan. Well, geez, I'll need to find some way to amuse myself while floating around on a cloud. What the heck else am I going to do all day, sing Kumbaya? Ugh!

Anyway, I only bring this up because I've been thinking about my dad lately. He died right around this time four years ago from heart failure. We had him cremated (as he requested) and then were kinda unsure what to do with him after that. I wanted to sprinkle him somewhere, but my mom balked, and my brother had no opinion, so dad's been sitting in an urn upstairs on top of my mom's television.

It's a pretty good resting place for him, I think. He really loved TV.



Meet my dad. His urn doesn't really sparkle like this. It should though, IMO.


My dad and I never really got along in life, but now that he's dead I enjoy having conversations with him. Like every once in awhile, usually during a commercial break, I'll glance over at the urn and say, "Hey dad, do you know that we have a black president now? And his middle name is - get this - Hussain!"

Then I cackle a bit and picture dad's ashes whirling around in a frenzy inside of his jar.

"And guess what?" I'll continue. "Our black Muslim president is planning on making a death panel to kill off all the mouthy old people so we don't have to pay them social security."

This makes dad spin so fast the urn practically levitates.

"Since there will be no room for crips in our new communist state, Mom will probably be joining you as soon as she breaks a hip. Won't that be nice?"

At that point, I'll start to worry that the top to his container might explode and blow his ashes all over the room, so I quit taunting him. Besides, the House rerun I'm watching is usually back on by then anyway.

This morning, upon reading that Ted Kennedy died, I thought, - Oh good, now dad will have someone new to argue with. He'll love that."

Ted probably won't enjoy it, but maybe he'll luck out and there's alcohol in the great beyond. Do you think there is? This is one of the things I'd really like to hear about. Why doesn't John Edwards ask these types of questions?

Oh, that's right. He's a fraud. Duh!

You know, not too long ago a New Age-minded friend gave me a really pretty, rose quartz pendulum. I'd forgotten all about it. Ever heard of them? Basically, they are a tool that is supposed to help to help you contact the deceased. What you do is hold the pendulum above your open palm and ask it yes or no questions. If it swings back and forth that means yes. If it goes around in a circle, that means no.

Or maybe it's the opposite way? (Note to self, check on that.)

If there's nothing good on TV tonight, maybe I'll get out the pendulum and try to get in touch with my dad, or Ted Kennedy, or some other dead person. If I do make contact, is there anything you like to ask the spirits? Leave your questions in the comments and I promise I will do my best to answer them.