Mrs. Edward Cullen Is Going To Kick My Ass

Here is something I'd really like to know.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT TWILIGHT THAT MAKES ITS FANS SO INSANE?

I truly don't get it. It's just a dumb book (and movie) about a dorky sparkling vampire and the extremely dull girl he busts a nut over. I couldn't even finish reading the damn thing because it was so boring.

But the people who love it, really, really love it to the point where they are nearly demented and you'd better not slag their precious book or they will hurt you.

I've recently found this out the hard way. Mrs. Edward Cullen has promised to kill me this weekend.

Of course, it's my own fault. I should just keep my mouth closed. Why is that so hard to do?

I guess I'm just sick of it all. Twilightmania swept through The Boobie Barn a few months back when the movie came out and shows no signs of ever going away.

It's so crazy. The first thing that happened was that overnight nearly every girl wanted to change her stripper name to Bella.

Chicks who used to go by Diamond or Shiva or Raven all want to call themselves Bella now, so you have to listen to the DJ boom out "Everyone make some noise for the beautiful Bella!" about a hundred times a night.

Alice, Rosalie, and Esme have all become popular too, which never fails to make me giggle. I swear if you went by the names alone you'd assume these broads were senior citizens at a bingo parlor in Boca Raton, instead of exotic dancers who get naked every night.

Pale skin has become all the rage. I used to be one of the only chicks in the place who didn't slather herself with fake orange tan (at least not a whole lot) but now everyone wants to be as pale as possible and sparkling with enough body glitter to make Mariah Carey gouge her eyes out with jealousy.

And do you know how many times I have been forced to hear that song "Go All The Way Into The Twilight" since all the Bella's want to dance to it and make it their theme song?

I swear, I've about had it with this mess.

So last weekend when a Bella - formerly known as Candy - asked me, "Who do you think is hotter, Pru, Edward or Jacob?" I did a very bad thing and answered her honestly. I said I thought they both sucked and that Twilight was one of the most retarded books ever written and that I couldn't even finish reading the book because every chapter was lowering my IQ by ten points.

Wow, was that ever the wrong thing to do. I've never been terribly popular at The Boobie Barn, but now every Bella there (not to mention all the Alice's, Esme's, and Rosalie's) wants to kill me.

Seriously. I've been threatened with death.

The other day while sitting at the dressing table troweling on some makeup, I caught a Bella (who used to call herself Venom and I believe her real name is Twyla, so you have to admit that Bella is an improvement) glowering at me in a way that made me a little nervous. I ignored her though, till she came over and sat on the table right in front of me. It was obvious that she was super angry.

"What?" I asked, knowing that she wouldn't go away until she'd had her say.

"You know what, Pru? You ain't all that!" she hissed. "You walk around here like your shit don't stink, but you're no better than the rest of us."

I almost laughed at that, but she was really pissed off and this particular Bella is no one I want to mess with. She has a body like a high school wrestler, very wide shoulders with long muscular arms and no neck. In fact, she resembles the singer Pink quite a bit, except with more tattoos and much meaner. If she wanted to, she'd have no trouble beating the living shit out of me and it looked like she really wanted to.



Picture Pink here with sparkles and demented eyes and you've got Bella.



"You are mistaken about that," I said finally, striving for a light tone. "I'm perfectly aware that my shit stinks, I just don't care if it does."

Then I smiled at her as if to say, 'isn't all this silly? Let's be friends!'

"Want a piece of gum?" I offered.

She got right up in my face, so close I could count the nostril hairs around her nose ring.(7) "You and me this weekend in the jello pit. I am going to rip your hair out and kick your scrawny ass! Hope you enjoy the taste of that jello 'cause you are going to choke on it, bitch!"

Whoa. What do you say to something like that? It was all so dramatic and dumb, I had trouble taking it seriously.

"Oh, give me a break," I said. "Is this because I insulted Twilight? You want to kick my ass because I pointed out that a character in a book who is described as a sparkling, 100 year old virgin is not only not hot, he's completely ridiculous and sounds like a bipolar freak that most people would want a restraining order to keep away from? Really? This is what is making you so angry? Because I called Edward a pedophile doofus?"

"He's sexy and amazing!" she screamed. "He can be a little overprotective at times but that's only because he loves Bella so much!"

"Jesus!" I said. "It's a book! A badly written piece of crap book, not real life! And who cares anyway? Why don't we just agree to disagree and forget about it?"

She made a fist. "You're going down! I'm going to fucking kill you and that's a promise!"

Well.

Now that it's Friday I've got a sinking feeling in my stomach that I really may get my ass beat in tonight and it scares me. I can't fight anyone! Yes, I'm much taller then this chick, but I'm very fine boned and delicate with zero muscles and no arm strength whatsoever. She will kill me and I'm way too beautiful to die! Help!

What to do? What to do?

I've been thinking and thinking about this all morning. Do you think she'll buy it if I show up with a bunch of "Team Edward" merchandise and declare my new found love for Twilight or will that just piss her off more? Please advise.