Friday, May 01, 2009

Mrs. Edward Cullen Is Going To Kick My Ass

Here is something I'd really like to know.


I truly don't get it. It's just a dumb book (and movie) about a dorky sparkling vampire and the extremely dull girl he busts a nut over. I couldn't even finish reading the damn thing because it was so boring.

But the people who love it, really, really love it to the point where they are nearly demented and you'd better not slag their precious book or they will hurt you.

I've recently found this out the hard way. Mrs. Edward Cullen has promised to kill me this weekend.

Of course, it's my own fault. I should just keep my mouth closed. Why is that so hard to do?

I guess I'm just sick of it all. Twilightmania swept through The Boobie Barn a few months back when the movie came out and shows no signs of ever going away.

It's so crazy. The first thing that happened was that overnight nearly every girl wanted to change her stripper name to Bella.

Chicks who used to go by Diamond or Shiva or Raven all want to call themselves Bella now, so you have to listen to the DJ boom out "Everyone make some noise for the beautiful Bella!" about a hundred times a night.

Alice, Rosalie, and Esme have all become popular too, which never fails to make me giggle. I swear if you went by the names alone you'd assume these broads were senior citizens at a bingo parlor in Boca Raton, instead of exotic dancers who get naked every night.

Pale skin has become all the rage. I used to be one of the only chicks in the place who didn't slather herself with fake orange tan (at least not a whole lot) but now everyone wants to be as pale as possible and sparkling with enough body glitter to make Mariah Carey gouge her eyes out with jealousy.

And do you know how many times I have been forced to hear that song "Go All The Way Into The Twilight" since all the Bella's want to dance to it and make it their theme song?

I swear, I've about had it with this mess.

So last weekend when a Bella - formerly known as Candy - asked me, "Who do you think is hotter, Pru, Edward or Jacob?" I did a very bad thing and answered her honestly. I said I thought they both sucked and that Twilight was one of the most retarded books ever written and that I couldn't even finish reading the book because every chapter was lowering my IQ by ten points.

Wow, was that ever the wrong thing to do. I've never been terribly popular at The Boobie Barn, but now every Bella there (not to mention all the Alice's, Esme's, and Rosalie's) wants to kill me.

Seriously. I've been threatened with death.

The other day while sitting at the dressing table troweling on some makeup, I caught a Bella (who used to call herself Venom and I believe her real name is Twyla, so you have to admit that Bella is an improvement) glowering at me in a way that made me a little nervous. I ignored her though, till she came over and sat on the table right in front of me. It was obvious that she was super angry.

"What?" I asked, knowing that she wouldn't go away until she'd had her say.

"You know what, Pru? You ain't all that!" she hissed. "You walk around here like your shit don't stink, but you're no better than the rest of us."

I almost laughed at that, but she was really pissed off and this particular Bella is no one I want to mess with. She has a body like a high school wrestler, very wide shoulders with long muscular arms and no neck. In fact, she resembles the singer Pink quite a bit, except with more tattoos and much meaner. If she wanted to, she'd have no trouble beating the living shit out of me and it looked like she really wanted to.

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Picture Pink here with sparkles and demented eyes and you've got Bella.

"You are mistaken about that," I said finally, striving for a light tone. "I'm perfectly aware that my shit stinks, I just don't care if it does."

Then I smiled at her as if to say, 'isn't all this silly? Let's be friends!'

"Want a piece of gum?" I offered.

She got right up in my face, so close I could count the nostril hairs around her nose ring.(7) "You and me this weekend in the jello pit. I am going to rip your hair out and kick your scrawny ass! Hope you enjoy the taste of that jello 'cause you are going to choke on it, bitch!"

Whoa. What do you say to something like that? It was all so dramatic and dumb, I had trouble taking it seriously.

"Oh, give me a break," I said. "Is this because I insulted Twilight? You want to kick my ass because I pointed out that a character in a book who is described as a sparkling, 100 year old virgin is not only not hot, he's completely ridiculous and sounds like a bipolar freak that most people would want a restraining order to keep away from? Really? This is what is making you so angry? Because I called Edward a pedophile doofus?"

"He's sexy and amazing!" she screamed. "He can be a little overprotective at times but that's only because he loves Bella so much!"

"Jesus!" I said. "It's a book! A badly written piece of crap book, not real life! And who cares anyway? Why don't we just agree to disagree and forget about it?"

She made a fist. "You're going down! I'm going to fucking kill you and that's a promise!"


Now that it's Friday I've got a sinking feeling in my stomach that I really may get my ass beat in tonight and it scares me. I can't fight anyone! Yes, I'm much taller then this chick, but I'm very fine boned and delicate with zero muscles and no arm strength whatsoever. She will kill me and I'm way too beautiful to die! Help!

What to do? What to do?

I've been thinking and thinking about this all morning. Do you think she'll buy it if I show up with a bunch of "Team Edward" merchandise and declare my new found love for Twilight or will that just piss her off more? Please advise.


erin said...

Wow, this is a totally appropriate post considering I spent a half hour arguing with my 11 year old sister about that stupid ass book. She insists that I will 'love it', I insist that she's retarded. She whimpers and threatens to tell our mom...I'm 28 years old, why is this conversation even HAPPENING?

words...words...words... said...

I recommend you change your stripper name to "Edward". Then she won't hurt you.

Either that or strap a shiv to your leg.

Cora said...

Sweet Jesus! How freaking scary!

I've never read Twilight and never plan to and I'm proud of that.

But to get killed because you don't love Edward is just NUTSO!!!! If it were me, I think I just might show up in a Team Edward t-shirt and claim I had seen the light. I can't think what else might calm the psycho down.

Good luck, Pru.

Bill Stankus said...

I've never seen the movie and didn't know there's a book. Course I've never watched Lost, 24, Heroes, Gone With The Wind, any Brad Pit movies or the Teletubbies either.

Regarding the jell-o dust up, I say, rub some pepper spray on yourself and use brass knuckles.

Vegas odd are even so I got my money on you.

Dr Zibbs said...

First of all, before you get all caught up in the fight, make a note to bring a camera. It'll be much easier for me to give advice AFTER seeing the fight.

As for Twilight, my wife is so into that it's embarrasing. She's read all the books, has the sound track, saw the movie 4 times in the theater. And she's usually never this into anything. So if you find out, let me know.

diane said...

Bake a batch of cupcakes, decorated with vampire stuff, slip a valium into each one, and serve to the Twilight freaks. If you get into trouble for this idea, I'll deny that I told you to do it.
Or just call out sick, with flu. They'll all love you for not wanting to contaminate their mortal souls and forgive you.

Prunella Jones said...

Diane - those are excellent suggestions! I think I'll try the cupcake thing. Bella on Valium would still kick my ass, of course, but maybe not quite so badly.

And if that doesn't work I'm going to slip a shiv into my thong as Words suggested.

Girl Interrupted said...

Those bitches! I'm on my way, Pru ... I might be small and weedy ... but I'm fast and wiry and have no scruples in playing dirty. I also have thighs of steel that can crack walnuts and men's spirits in seconds!

Prunella Jones said...

Thank you GI.

Bill's suggestion about the brass knuckles and pepper spray is pretty good too. I might try to hide those in my thong as well.

Maybe if I show up with a bulging thong she'll assume I'm a transsexual and get freaked. I wouldn't be the first tranny who's ever tried to pass there.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Forget the valium, go straight to roofies. That way when they wake up with no memory you can tell them you beat their ass.

Lostinspace said...

Just drop to the ground and scream like a little girl. Works for me! And take that jelly biter with you.

LegalMist said...

As an attorney, I can't advise any of the bodily injury or drug tactics, and in fact I would remind you they are likely illegal.

But that doesn't stop me from finding them funny as hell, and if forced to choose, I think "Warped Mind of Ron" has the right idea...

Anonymous said...

I read all 4 twilight books in 2 days trying to figure out what all the fuss was about. No, I didn't like the books so much I couldn't put them down. They were just so mindless it took only a couple hours a piece to read them.

I say when she tosses you into the pit slam your heel up her nose. While she is busy trying to stop the bleeding kick her in the hooch!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Oh girl, that Bella chick is just jealous of your insane beauty, body, boobies and obvious intelligence.

This was all she needed to unleash the anger that has been building up over you her obvious feelings of inadequacy.

Roofie the chick and knock her on her ass! I'm with Stankus, my money's on you.

Don't worry

Greta said...


God Pru, you fuckin crack me up.

When you said, Want some gum? I almost peed.

I wish I could see this jello fight. I would pay to see it actually. Why don't you get Bella, the other one, or Rosalie to take some pics?

Anonymous said...

I gave the book to one of my english students. It was easy enough for her (as an intermediate learner) to read. She enjoyed it.

Lulu LaBonne said...

I haven't heard of this Twilight business but I think you need one of those big wobbly finger hands they use at football matches - see if you can pick her nose with it. It's very difficult to look tough when your dignity is undermined

Eric said...

It does seem to be a wacky religion... It's like vampire stuff, right? Can she repelled by garlic?

Anonymous said...

When I saw twilight my heart swam with joy. Finally, I thought, wan, murderous, pale bipolar glitter wearing freaks like myself will be able to appear outside the windows of girls they like and be accepted for who they are. Then you called the police on me. Some day my people will gain the acceptance they deserve.

xl said...

I'm reading this too late in the day to offer any of my lame advice. If anything bad happens to you, I'll never buy Jello again!

diane said...

Yo, it's nine in the morning, you still breathing? Oh man, Pru, you o.k.?


Stop being a sissy. You just go in there and kick her fucking ass!*Then run like Hell*

Phat Mama said...

Dear Pru,

I am now going to quote from one of your earlier blog posts:

"It seeped out of me in a noxious wave of silent-but-ultra-deadly stink fumes, and by the time I had gotten my false eyelashes and thong on, the room smelled like hot shitty ass. The other girls were wrinkling their noses and looking around.."

Fill your cute little belly with the same dazzling array of foods, wait for it, and then let rip.

When this Twilight psycho is blinded by ass-napalm, dot her fucking eye.

(I would say kick her ass but we don't want you lifting your leg too high for fear you kill her with a tsunami of shit.)

Hope I helped! Kisses. :)

Prunella Jones said...

Never fear! I am alive and well. Mostly because I chickened out.


I'll write a post about it in a bit.

Cheasty said...

(7). priceless!!

diane said...

O.k., so I got a little impatient waiting for your next post. So....I decided to take the history tour of your blog, Highly recommended for avid Prunella fans. I especially loved the photo of Shirley in the Playboy Bunny ears, and really wish you would re-post that one for your other groupies, just hoping. xo