Which do you want to hear first, the good news or bad news?
The Good News: I'm alive and well and haven't had my ass kicked.
The Bad News: Actually there isn't any bad news. I just like to be dramatic.
So, here is what happened. On Friday I actually went over to Hot Topic and contemplated the Twilight merchandise, looking for some cheap trinkets that might appease the Bella's, when I got a call from a friend telling me not to come in to work. Apparently Bella was already there, bragging about how her boyfriend had showed her how to break my arm with some sort of karate move and that he had filled the place with a bunch of redneck friends who were taking bets on who would win in our jello fight.
Well, that did it. There was no way I was going to show up for that! Thank goodness she called before I wasted my money on any "Team Edward" crap. Screw it! The Boobie Barn sucks anyway, and I am way too good for the place.
Out of curiosity I asked her how many people were betting I'd win. None, she answered, that's why they'd had just switched to betting on how long it would take Bella to kick my ass. Two minutes was the popular prediction.
I was strangely flattered by that. In reality it would probably be more like 15 seconds.
Since it looks like The Boobie Barn is off limits for a while but I still need to make some chedda, I swallowed my pride and headed back over to Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits.
Regular readers might remember that I used to dance there all the time, until my monkey, Tucksworth, snatched Earl's toupee off of his head and threw it at the buffet table. It landed in a pot of Egg Drop Soup and was ruined which made Earl livid (even though it forced him into getting a much nicer hair weave that looked a thousand times better IMO.) Click here for the full story if you're interested.
Anyway, after that altercation Earl made my life so miserable that I quit, but since hearing the place was under new management, it seemed like a good time to go back.
The Good News: Classy Earl's really IS much classier than The Boobie Barn. No jello wrestling, not so many frat boys, and the bathrooms are a lot cleaner. Also, I haven't noticed any Twilight freaks yet.
The Bad News: Lots more competition!
Unfortunately the place is loaded with gorgeous girls, quite a few of whom are actually good dancers. (Not that it matters since the customers don't really care about dancing, it's just a pride thing with me.) Will I be able to make bank here? Hmmmm...don't know yet. It was pretty easy to be a big fish in small pond full of skank, but now it looks like I'm really going to have to work it.
The Good News: This post is over so now I can go read your blogs and see how your weekends went.
The Bad News: This post was kinda disappointing. I know you were hoping to click over and hear details of how I shoved Bella's face into the jello and beaned her in the head with a hardback copy of Twilight. Believe me I wish that had happened (God, it would have been satisfying!) but there was no way I was going to take a chance on getting a nail broken, much less my arm.
I'll leave you with a picture of the cool jewelry box I found at the thrift store on Sunday for a dollar. Check out this hawt fighting chick.
She looks like she's ready to throw down, huh? I only wish I could kung fu some Bella's while wearing such a stylish outfit.