Monday, May 04, 2009

Bye Bye Boobie Barn, Hello Classy Earl's

Which do you want to hear first, the good news or bad news?

The Good News: I'm alive and well and haven't had my ass kicked.

The Bad News: Actually there isn't any bad news. I just like to be dramatic.

So, here is what happened. On Friday I actually went over to Hot Topic and contemplated the Twilight merchandise, looking for some cheap trinkets that might appease the Bella's, when I got a call from a friend telling me not to come in to work. Apparently Bella was already there, bragging about how her boyfriend had showed her how to break my arm with some sort of karate move and that he had filled the place with a bunch of redneck friends who were taking bets on who would win in our jello fight.

Well, that did it. There was no way I was going to show up for that! Thank goodness she called before I wasted my money on any "Team Edward" crap. Screw it! The Boobie Barn sucks anyway, and I am way too good for the place.

Out of curiosity I asked her how many people were betting I'd win. None, she answered, that's why they'd had just switched to betting on how long it would take Bella to kick my ass. Two minutes was the popular prediction.

I was strangely flattered by that. In reality it would probably be more like 15 seconds.

Since it looks like The Boobie Barn is off limits for a while but I still need to make some chedda, I swallowed my pride and headed back over to Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits.

Regular readers might remember that I used to dance there all the time, until my monkey, Tucksworth, snatched Earl's toupee off of his head and threw it at the buffet table. It landed in a pot of Egg Drop Soup and was ruined which made Earl livid (even though it forced him into getting a much nicer hair weave that looked a thousand times better IMO.) Click here for the full story if you're interested.

Anyway, after that altercation Earl made my life so miserable that I quit, but since hearing the place was under new management, it seemed like a good time to go back.

The Good News: Classy Earl's really IS much classier than The Boobie Barn. No jello wrestling, not so many frat boys, and the bathrooms are a lot cleaner. Also, I haven't noticed any Twilight freaks yet.

The Bad News: Lots more competition!

Unfortunately the place is loaded with gorgeous girls, quite a few of whom are actually good dancers. (Not that it matters since the customers don't really care about dancing, it's just a pride thing with me.) Will I be able to make bank here? Hmmmm...don't know yet. It was pretty easy to be a big fish in small pond full of skank, but now it looks like I'm really going to have to work it.

The Good News: This post is over so now I can go read your blogs and see how your weekends went.

The Bad News: This post was kinda disappointing. I know you were hoping to click over and hear details of how I shoved Bella's face into the jello and beaned her in the head with a hardback copy of Twilight. Believe me I wish that had happened (God, it would have been satisfying!) but there was no way I was going to take a chance on getting a nail broken, much less my arm.

I'll leave you with a picture of the cool jewelry box I found at the thrift store on Sunday for a dollar. Check out this hawt fighting chick.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

She looks like she's ready to throw down, huh? I only wish I could kung fu some Bella's while wearing such a stylish outfit.


Bill Stankus said...

Good. If there had been a fight - next thing you know, sides are chosen, fight teams are readied, US troops are sent in, Dick Cheney comes out of retirement, torture is reestablished and you are pushed to the background.

Better to dance than get stitches I always say.

Dr Zibbs said...

Glad you didn't get your ass kicked.

And are these dancing establishments in Chatanooga?

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Glad you didn't go. I hear Cheney was gonna be there waterboarding the loser in Jello. I bet you didn't know he totally has the hots for Edward and was livid when he heard about your comments.

Eric said...

Classy Earl's? Well that sounds classy, I'd go to that one to say hi, classily of course.

diane said...

Woahhhh, time out! That jewelry box is a collectible, hand painted and signed by EVE, famous for her wide-eyed waifs in the 60's. OMG, I bet you got it for peanuts, too, didn't you? (fanning myself, is it hot in here?) Score! You are a thrifting goddess! xo

diane said...

Just looked at that post again, ONE DOLLAR??!!!! (feeling like I'm going to pass out now)

Prunella Jones said...

Is it really worth much? Cool!

I love it too much to sell it though. It's in great condition too.

Lostinspace said...

Smart move to change venues, 'course I was so looking forward to pictures. I second on that box, Diane's right!

Girl Interrupted said...

You did the right thing, Pru ... great to hear you've found yourself a classy, Bella-free establishment.

And you can still come over to my place for some fun jelly-wrestling.

Love the trinket box!

xl said...

I do so miss Tucksworth.

diane said...

You're killing me.

Cora said...

I'm soooo glad to hear you didn't go, Pru! That Bella is a PSYCHO!!

BTW, you're GORGEOUS - I have no idea why you're worried about the competition at Earl's!! You'll do more than fine, I'm sure.


Fancy Schmancy said...

Glad to hear you're okay. Maybe you should be preventative this time and change your name to Bella. Or Edwardina or something equally retarted.

Prunella Jones said...

Hmmmm...that's a good point. What was the name of the weird half vampire baby they had in the last book? I should change my name to that.

LegalMist said...

Sounds like you turned lemons into lemonade, with a job at a better establishment. I bet you will make even more money there.... Good luck!

diane said...

Put a little vodka in that lemonade and you're all set. Wait, I'm coming over.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

All's well that ends well, Pru!

Much better for you!

honkeie2 said...

it is so cool to get insight into the inner working of the gogo life. I want to hear more, your job is so much more interesting than mine!

Greta said...

I want your new jewelry box.

words...words...words... said...

I still cannot believe that someone would not only break a person's arm over a shitty movie for 12 year old girls, but that they would apparently rally the support of an entire strip club community. It boggles the mind.

However, you appear to be in a better place now, even if bearing the name Earl has proven historically to preclude one from being classy.

Phat Mama said...

1. You would have kicked her ass, I have faith.

2. I thought she was a butch lesbian by her description so imagine my shock that she has a fella.

3. You'll make bank.

4. Love the jewelry box.

fashion herald said...

oh, i need to catch up with some pru posts! This is meaty.

~E said...

I am so seriously lost! This was the first post of yours that I've read and I think Im gonna have to go and do some research to catch up.