Ouch!

I have a giant canker sore in my mouth that hurts like hell. It's been brewing up for the last few days on the top right hand corner inside my upper lip. I took some Vitamin C last night hoping to quell the ulcer before it got explosive, but it must have been too late. This morning I woke up feeling like a nuclear bomb had gone off inside my mouth. My upper lip is so swollen it resembles Lisa Rhinna's hemorrhoidal trout pout. Gah! What can I do to get rid of this thing?

I googled home remedies for canker sores and here are the ones I've tried so far:

1. Put salt on it. It may burn a little, but that means its working.

Cool, I thought. I've got salt right here in the cabinet. Let me just rub a little on......Yeow! Who the hell suggested this one, Dick Cheney? It burned like a motherfucking fire from the depths of almighty hell. I had to rinse it off immediately, but even so it still throbbed for an hour afterward. Not recommended.


2. I've had an old family remedy of baking soda mixed with a little water to make a paste. Just dab a bit on and although it might sting for a minute, it shrinks and gets rid of the sore within 2 days.


This one didn't sting too bad, but it doesn't seem to have helped. Plus the baking soda paste keeps dissolving and oozing down my throat. Yucky.


3. Just dab some honey on your sore and boomb, it'll reduce the pain almost immediately and will heal the canker in as short as a day.

Nope. It is tasty however.


4. Gargle with Peroxide!

I don't have any. My mom has some Lysterine which would probably be about the same thing. I'd rather not try it though, because I suspect that will burn even worse than the salt.


5. Avoid eating potato chips!

Well, duh!


6. Apply a wet black teabag to the ulcer. The tannins relieve the pain.

I only have green tea, but I tried this and it does work a little bit.


7. Just take a little earwax from your ear and apply it to the canker sore. It's said to be a sure cure. It may have some antiseptic value, and it may protect the sore.

Ewwww. No.


8. Avoid stress.

Well, it's a bit late for that now. Besides, it's kindd of hard not to be stressed when a crazed and hulking Twilight fan wants to break your arm.


9. Swish some Milk of Magnesia around in your mouth several times a day. It coats the ulcer and relieves the pain.

I don't have any. I may go to the store for it in awhile though.


10. L-lysine. 3 tablets a day until the canker is gone. Works great!

Hmmmm...I did a little research on this one and it appears that it might be helpful. I'll look for it when I go to the grocery store.


It's been ages since I've had a canker sore and I've forgotten how much they truly suck. This is why morphine needs to be sold over the counter, dammit! Friggin busybody "just-say-no" "drugs are bad, mmkay" asshole politicians and their archaic drug laws! If I'm over 21 and can pay for it, it should be no one's business what I put into my body!

Okay, end of rant. Sorry, pain makes me pissy.

Since I can't get any morphine, do you have any suggestions to heal this sucker up quick and take away this mouth misery? What works for you?