Tuesday, May 05, 2009


I have a giant canker sore in my mouth that hurts like hell. It's been brewing up for the last few days on the top right hand corner inside my upper lip. I took some Vitamin C last night hoping to quell the ulcer before it got explosive, but it must have been too late. This morning I woke up feeling like a nuclear bomb had gone off inside my mouth. My upper lip is so swollen it resembles Lisa Rhinna's hemorrhoidal trout pout. Gah! What can I do to get rid of this thing?

I googled home remedies for canker sores and here are the ones I've tried so far:

1. Put salt on it. It may burn a little, but that means its working.

Cool, I thought. I've got salt right here in the cabinet. Let me just rub a little on......Yeow! Who the hell suggested this one, Dick Cheney? It burned like a motherfucking fire from the depths of almighty hell. I had to rinse it off immediately, but even so it still throbbed for an hour afterward. Not recommended.

2. I've had an old family remedy of baking soda mixed with a little water to make a paste. Just dab a bit on and although it might sting for a minute, it shrinks and gets rid of the sore within 2 days.

This one didn't sting too bad, but it doesn't seem to have helped. Plus the baking soda paste keeps dissolving and oozing down my throat. Yucky.

3. Just dab some honey on your sore and boomb, it'll reduce the pain almost immediately and will heal the canker in as short as a day.

Nope. It is tasty however.

4. Gargle with Peroxide!

I don't have any. My mom has some Lysterine which would probably be about the same thing. I'd rather not try it though, because I suspect that will burn even worse than the salt.

5. Avoid eating potato chips!

Well, duh!

6. Apply a wet black teabag to the ulcer. The tannins relieve the pain.

I only have green tea, but I tried this and it does work a little bit.

7. Just take a little earwax from your ear and apply it to the canker sore. It's said to be a sure cure. It may have some antiseptic value, and it may protect the sore.

Ewwww. No.

8. Avoid stress.

Well, it's a bit late for that now. Besides, it's kindd of hard not to be stressed when a crazed and hulking Twilight fan wants to break your arm.

9. Swish some Milk of Magnesia around in your mouth several times a day. It coats the ulcer and relieves the pain.

I don't have any. I may go to the store for it in awhile though.

10. L-lysine. 3 tablets a day until the canker is gone. Works great!

Hmmmm...I did a little research on this one and it appears that it might be helpful. I'll look for it when I go to the grocery store.

It's been ages since I've had a canker sore and I've forgotten how much they truly suck. This is why morphine needs to be sold over the counter, dammit! Friggin busybody "just-say-no" "drugs are bad, mmkay" asshole politicians and their archaic drug laws! If I'm over 21 and can pay for it, it should be no one's business what I put into my body!

Okay, end of rant. Sorry, pain makes me pissy.

Since I can't get any morphine, do you have any suggestions to heal this sucker up quick and take away this mouth misery? What works for you?


Bill Stankus said...

Hey! Torture is today's fad ... go with it, pain is your friend.

Now tell me your secrets.

Joyless Prole said...

I HATE canker sores. Especially on my penis.

WendyB said...

That earwax cure is quite delicious-sounding, isn't it!

Eric said...

If you press the tip of your tongue over it several times during the day it will start to heal faster, I think.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

If you take a knife and slowly cut stripes across you leg it will make you forget the pain in your mouth eventually.

Prunella Jones said...

Ron - is that a suggestion from The Emo Book of Home Remedies"?

diane said...

Rinse your mouth with salt-water whenever you think of it, bacteria dies in a salt environment. It will not begin to heal until you are sleeping. The reason for this is that your body does most of it's healing work when you "shut down". That's when your blood vessels expand, which is why we get hot in the middle of the night and throw off the covers.
Anyway, go to the store and buy a bottle of peroxide. Swish & gargle really well(don't swallow),but don't rinse out, right before bed. This should help. And as a side note, potato chips are actually good for this, as they contain a lot of salt.

Greta said...

I've never had a canker sore, knock on wood. But if youd've asked about excessively hairy stache or smiling pimples, I'm sure I could've helped somehow.

LegalMist said...

Avoid eating anything sweet or acidic. Campho-phenique will dull the pain temporarily. I've not found anything that gets rid of them, 'though they usually only last a day or two anyway.

LegalMist said...

And, woo-hoo, you got your "followers" widget up & running! Count me in, baby, count me in!

Diane said...

Ouch - I vote for the salt water and sleep recommendation.

All This Trouble... said...

As a highly trained medical professional, I would suggest:

1. Salt water rinse. Mix the salt with water, Pru. Mix it. Trust me.

2. Milk of Magnesia swishes are good during the day. It does act as a bandaid for your oral mucosa. see how I made 'mucosa' sound sexy?

3. Suffer through this one and next Dr's visit, ask for some valtrex or zovirax for "just in case". You've probably got herpes. But it's okay. We all do, especially Joyless Prole.

Girl Interrupted said...

Aww! Poor Pru! :(

Ok, sympathy over ... now dig deep and work that ear wax! You know it makes sense!

Ps: Hope it clears up soon x

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Aww Pru, I'm sorry. Cankers suck!

My douchbag ex husband used to get them all the time. He use to buy some stuff in a tube at CVS, but said that warm salt water in a cup works best.

If it doesn't go away in a few days, call your doctor.

words...words...words... said...

Salt water works, but Anbesol works too, and it doesn't leave your mouth tasting of salt water.

xl said...

PiƱa Coladas.

Prunella Jones said...

Thanks to all those who suggested salt water. It seems to be helping a bit.

Now I'm going to go swish a bit of whiskey around my mouth and then go pass out.

Joyless Prole said...

Oh,a nd EGCG extract will put your immune system into overdrive. I prefer to cure them with adderall, though. Just keep taking it til it dries up. Not sure the addy actually helps, but it sure keeps you from caring about the pain.

Cheasty said...


Phat Mama said...

No advice but lots of sympathy.

I was going to suggest the Jack Daniels swish & swallow but you beat me to it!