Saturday, July 21, 2007

Poor Tucksworth

Do you ever notice how as soon as you get rid of one problem, abother one pops up to take its place? Now that the weather has improved slightly here in Nashville, I'm having a problem with my pet monkey, Tucksworth. You may recall me mentioning Tucksworth once or twice. He's the trained helper monkey who throws the knives I catch in my teeth, as I hang upside down on a pole for my burlesque act down at "Earl's House of Class and Tits." He also sits on my shoulder while I give lap dances, to make sure the customers don't get too grabby. He's very good at his job and everybody loves him. Well, everyone that is except for my boss, Big Earl.

Big Earl has had it in for my monkey ever since Tucksworth snatched Earl's toupee off of his head and threw it at the buffet table. It landed in a pot of Egg Drop soup and was ruined. Big Earl was really pissed. He nearly fired me, but the girls had been bugging him to go get a lace front weave anyway, so everything worked out.


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Here is a pic of Big Earl with his new weave. Notice the picture of him painted in the background? Those are all over the club. He's very vain.


Anyway, even though Earl loves his new hair, he still dislikes Tucksworth. And Tucksworth hates him too. You see, Tucksworth is a bit of a diva. He got his start playing the "Sprockets" monkey on SNL, and feels like he should be treated like the star that he is. Earl is constantly calling him names like, "shithead" and "turd flinger." I've asked him not to many times, as it upsets Tucksworth and the last thing I need is angry monkey throwing knives at me, but he just sneers. He's such a jerk! I knew something bad was going to happen.

Things finally came to a head last week. I was sitting at the makeup table, drawing on my eyebrows when Earl walked in to the dressing room.

"Get your ass in gear, Prunella," he barked. "You and your ugly, disease ridden little varmint are on in ten minutes."

Well I guess Tucksworth couldn't take it anymore. He gnashed his teeth, unleashed the loudest monkey scream I'd ever heard from him, and flung poo at Earl's head.

"Okay, that's it!" Earl yelled, his face the color of a boiled lobster. He was so mad, the vein in his forehead was pulsating like a drum skin. He grabbed the monkey by the neck and tried to strangle him. He very nearly succeeded, until Tucksworth managed to bite Earl's hand hard enough to make him let go. Those sharp little simian teeth nearly severed a fingertip!


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Tucksworth has always been a bit of a boozehound. He especially loves martinis.

Earl said the only way I could keep my job was to get rid of Tucksworth. Since I owe thousands in credit card bills and student loans, I have sadly decided to leave him at home. He's gotten very depressed and has been drinking everyday. It probably hasn't helped matters that I've been going through a hippie phase larely and have been playing my Grateful Dead CDs over and over. I can't help it. I love "American Beauty."

Tucksworth hates jam bands. He prefers rap, and club music like The Black-Eyed Peas. (He does an amazing Fergie impression. Really he can look just like her!) But nothing, not even listening to "My Humps" can cheer him. All he wants to do is drink, and watch Animal Planet all day until he passes out. I'm really getting worried about him. I've tried hiding the booze, but it makes him go crazy. He runs wildly around the house, hooting, and throwing dishes, and spitting in my hair, until I hand over the Gin bottle. (Monkey spit is really hard on the weave.)

So what should I do? Send him to rehab? I don't think he would go. He thinks rehab is for quitters. Would any of you bloggers out there like to take this alcoholic monkey off my hands? When not depressed he has a good personality and as you can see from his photos, he's very cute. He gets along well with other pets and he's quite talented at throwing knives.

Anybody????

24 comments:

Helen said...

Aaaah,Pru, just when I thought Dramatic Chipmunk was the funniest animal star of your show, you trot out the bosco-spraying monkey. Damn, sister, this so beats all the other dog and pony shows!!!! You will so have to do a seminar on incorporating wildlife in the act next year at the stripper conference.

T-girl said...

Ok so am I the only one that Johnny boy is looking more and more plastic as the years are going by? I wonder if Tommyboy (love how both their names work into this so well) is having it also since he appears to be going backwards on the age scale lately himself... although his wife appears to be trying to join the 40 somethings! Also why is that poster in Spanish? Is THAT who is watching all his films these days? No wonder 3rd World relations are so poor. It amazes me that stars still join Scientology considering how it appears to murder acting careers faster then a fat man kills a buffy!

Prunella Jones said...

Helen- dramatic chipmunk wouldn't be a good animal helper. That bitch would upstage me!

This was actually a meme that Sudie tagged me with. You have to use the monkey picture in a post. Feel free to do it if you want.

T-girl- once upon a time Scientology was the best way to for gay male stars to perpetuate their hetrosexuality. I agree that it hasn't been working too well lately, tho.

Mister Underhill said...

Him and mr. muddles would get along famously.

Unfortunately I am unable to properly wash myself without my helper monkey or I would send him over for an extended play date.

Prunella Jones said...

Mister- send him on over! You can always wash yourself with a rag on a stick.

morbid misanthrope said...

As much as I've always wanted an alcoholic monkey that throws knives, I'm afraid I can't take Tucksworth. You see, my AA sponsor's cat, Mr. Mostly Mittens, is very territorial and would probably fight with Tucksworth constantly.

Ordinarily this wouldn't be a problem because I hate cats. In fact, after I killed my AA sponsor for telling me I couldn't drink anymore (I don't know what he was thinking), I killed Mr. Mostly Mittens with a wrench. Now that stupid, dead cat is possessed by the spirit of my AA sponsor and screams profanity and levitates furniture about 22 hours a day--like it's going to help him rest in peace or something.

Anyway ... what was I saying? Oh yeah, you should kill your boss with a wrench.

Prunella Jones said...

Morbid- your situation sounds terrible. I'm thinking you could really use Tucksworth's assistant. He's very good at chasing away ghosts. When I first moved into this house it was infested with poltergeists. They were constantly screaming, moaning, and smashing expensive dishware, trying to get me to move out. I tried exorcism, meditation, asking them to move towards the white light, etc. Nothing worked until I acquired Tucksworth. Now I am not kidding when I say that he got rid of them in less than 24 hours. Apparently his poo flinging got convinced them to head over to "the other side" as I haven't heard a rattle or a moan since. And as a bonus my snooty neighbors all put their houses on the market immediately, allowing me to sunbathe nude in the backyard in peace. I was getting annoyed with their whiney letters to the neighborhood association.

Thanks for the wrench idea but killing Big Earl would be bad for my karma. However if you want to do it I have no objections.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Obviously, scientology and Master Zenu are the only answer to this problem.

D.O.M. Dan said...

Pru, I'm sorry to hear about your problems. Let me tell you first of all that I can't think of a worse fate for a perfectly good pot of Egg Drop soup. What a waste!

Anyway, I'd like to help by taking the monkey off your back - seeing that I have several fruit trees that Tucksworth can hang from, but with a little one on the way, there's only room for one knife throwing heavy drinker in my house - and my wife has that job.

Prunella Jones said...

Brenda- I see what you mean. Tucksworth would definately benefit from some auditing. It would destroy his free will and make him much easier to control. And I bet he'd like it. I mean, look how happy Katie Holmes seems now. Yes, that is the perfect solution! I'll just need to borrow a few hundred thousand to join the church.


Dan- ah congratulations to you, my good man. I'm very happy for you and the lovely wife. A pregnant woman is a thing of beauty but you might want to be on your best behavior for the next few months. It is a little known but true fact that pregnancy hormones can increase a person's knife throwing skills to one hundred percent deadly accuracy!

Diane said...

"Tucksworth hates jam bands" - can you blame him?

My suggestion for a truce is to train the Tuck-man to utilize his nit picking skills to make Earl's weave look a bit more natural

Prunella Jones said...

Diane- wait a minute, are you telling me that you don't enjoy 25 minute songs that go nowhere? Whoa, that's blowing my mind.

Diane said...

pru - I'm a semi-punk rocker at heart - and punk rock is the antithesis of mindless, self-indulgent lead breaks

God, I hate solos . . . the Ramones had it right - two minute ditties - get in, sing it, get out . . .

Prunella Jones said...

Normally I'd agree with you. I love The Ramones too. But I'm going through another Deadhead phase. They seem to happen every couple of years. It should pass in a few weeks.

Prunella Jones said...

Until then I must twirl!

Diane said...

pru - when I was in college one of our buddies was a rich kid from Beverly Hills who would spend his summers following the Dead around, and one summer we had a bunch of Dead Heads crashing at our apartment for a weekend.

1. they were very polite
2. that was the most pot I've ever seen in one spot in my life

Prunella Jones said...

Diane- the guy who lived across the street from me in Riverside used to keep giant hefty bags full of weed in his closet. He wasn't a Deadhead tho. I believe his favorite band was Korn.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Aww... Poor Tucksworth, indeed! He's just misunderstood. Well, Pru, I see two possible solutions to your problem with your little guy:

1.) Set him up on a play date with Michael Jackson's chimp Bubbles. I'm sure they could trade stories on who is crazier: Jackson or Earl.

2.) Quit your job at Earl's House of Class and Tits and take your act on the road! Think about it: You and Tucksworth travelling the country like carnies! Selling out tents, arenas and festivals alike! People from far and wide will come to watch your knife-show. Or, take it one step further and sign up for the next season of America's Got Talent. I just hope Tucksworth will get along with David Hasselhoff. There's a good chance David will try to steal Tucksworth's martinis, which could lead to an ugly scene.

LA said...

Since Tucksworth already has his SAG card from his stint on SNL, maybe you should get him an agent so he can audition for a guest spot on Meerkat Manor? Then, he'd be the problem of some unlucky production assistant, just like any other diva actor.

Prunella Jones said...

Mish- 1. Isn't Bubbles dead? You never hear anything about him anymore. 2. I like the carnie idea but there is no way I'm going on another talent show. I'm still on probation for setting Simon's car on fire after he cut me from "American Idol."


LA- that would be so great! I get tired of constantly running out to get his venti, non-fat, caffeine free mochachinnos and having to squirt him with "Glow" every 20 minutes.

Sudiegirl said...

Oh DUDE! That rocks the house, my friend.

I'm just sorry Big Earl doesn't know the magic and wonder of your BEE-YOO-TEE-FUL monkey.

Prunella Jones said...

Thanks for the tag, Sudie. It was fun!

kookla@work said...

I was so confused. I didn't realize that Tucksworth was a monkey, because that picture of Earl must have at least 80 pounds of tucks worth stuffed in the front of those Mom jeans.

Prunella Jones said...

No worries, Kookla. I can see why you would be confused. I told Earl he should lose the mom jeans but he told me to shut my piehole and dance.