Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Past, Present, And Future Avatars

My mom was complaining to me on the phone the other day about her wrinkles. She said she was considering getting some Botox, or maybe even a face lift.

"Why would you want to do that?" I asked her. "Don't you realize how lucky you are? Being an old lady is the ultimate disguise! You can get away with all kinds of stuff now. No one ever suspects the sweet old granny!"

She thought I was joking but nothing could be further from the truth. I really love old ladies and am really looking forward to becoming one myself. It seems like it will be very liberating, don't you think?

I mean, sheesh, there will be no messy periods to suffer through, no more worries about staying pretty and keeping my body firm and thin, and if you think I cuss a lot now, just wait until I no longer feel the need to conform to even the bare minimum of socially acceptable behavior. It will rock!

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Who's gonna to mess with me? You? Sheeeeiiit.

When I'm old I will eat want I want, drink as much as I want, get loud and mouthy while stating my opinions (no one ever tells Grandma to shut up!), and keep busy by heckling and pestering the politicians I find loathsome. I'd enjoy that much more than playing bingo.

If weed is still illegal in thirty years, I will perform civil disobedience by growing pot plants in my backyard to share with other seniors. IMO marijuana keeps you spry. I mean, look at Willie Nelson. The man is in his 70's and still plays a zillion concerts a year even though he smokes more weed than Cheech and Chong put together.

If it is legal, maybe I'll open up a hemp bar like they have in Amsterdam. Hell, I wish I could do that right now! How dare the government deny me my right to practice capitalism! Jeez, you'd think the Republicans would be all for that, but no, they prefer the boners they get from trying to legislate morality. Maybe I'll just take my cane to Washington and beat down a few senators. Might as well spend my last years having fun before it's time to meet Jesus.

Hopefully I'll be a cute old lady with big saucer eyes and rosy pink cheeks, the better to fool them all. That way when I end up working as a WalMart greeter no one will ever believe that I am ripping off everything in the store that's not nailed down and selling it for discount out of the back of my truck. And when I hand customers a cart and say, "Welcome to WalMart, Lardass!" with a sweet smile, they'll figure they must be imagining things. Surely that darling little granny didn't just insult them, did she?

If called on it, I'll just act confused, maybe even cry if necessary. Heh heh.

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Good Lord how I love Betty White. Isn't she the coolest chick ever? She was always my favorite of The Golden Girls. Look at her - all pretty and neatly coiffed and unafraid of splattering your brains all over her lovely camel coat.

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Fuck those Red Hat clubs! I'm getting me a gun!

I really need to take shooting lessons because there is nothing cooler than an old babe who can handle a firearm like a pro. Just look at these pictures and tell me these broads aren't badass.

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Where's my senior discount, bitch?

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When I say get off my lawn, I ain't playing.

You know, I've always wanted to get a gun and shoot out a television screen for no reason just like Elvis was rumored to do every so often. Blowing away an entire wall of TV's would be even better, wouldn't it? Every time I pass by a Sears I imagine how sweet it would be to pull a giant handgun out of my purse and take down every TV set in the electronic section.

Of course, I'd never dare do anything like that now, but in thirty years? Hell yeah! That's when I can blame it all on senility.

No wonder they call them the golden years.

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No my name ain't baby, it's Prunella. Miss Jones if you're nasty.


WendyB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
WendyB said...

Betty White will take a bitch down. But what you neglect to point out is that all these pictures where taken of the ladies while they were robbing doctors' offices of Botox.

Mr. Condescending said...

Hah Me and you both posted about old ladies. They are always a nonstop source of entertainment! You've got great taste prunella!

xl said...

No retirement worries either. Fundie cults here in Texas are always on the lookout for members who pack heat!

John Smith said...

Pot is so tame. You should force the neighborhood kids to toss your salad for smack. That's my retirement plan, anyway.

Dr Zibbs said...

Why don't you get her a razor instead?

You know, for that fur burger issue.

All This Trouble... said...

Dear God in HEAVEN! Dr. zibbs just couldn't let the muff lie, could he?

I'm with ya, Pru. I can't wait to be an old bitch.

Bill Stankus said...

You gonna have silver or blue hair?

Some of those guns are heavy - so either practice now with weight lifting or get a machine gun mounted on a Humvee. Little old ladies driving big ol'cars is also really scary.

diane said...

You have described my mother to a T. That is exactly how she was before she passed on. Btw, a television set explodes like a miniature h-bomb when you put a lamp through it.
Me, I want to age like Mae West. You know, all sexy and stuff like that.

Prunella Jones said...

Ha, I think I will have pink hair. Or maybe just a bunch of crazy colored wigs like Mrs. Slocum wears in Are You Being Served. Then I could hide a razor blade inside my wig just in case I need to cut a bitch.

words...words...words... said...

This is almost enough to make me change my mind about old people!

Eric said...

I don't see you ever just quietly fading away Pru... Way to go!

Fancy Schmancy said...

As I'm closer to the senior citizen age than you are, I promise to take one for the team and try it out and let you know. NRA registration, here I come! Woot!

Lulu LaBonne said...

I've always loved fierce grannies, mine introduced me to the karma sutra, ouija boards and the best hangover cures before she died.

She didn't need a gun - one look could melt a grown man at ten paces.

Kristine said...

I was just writing about looking forward to assisted living the other day! It's gonna be ahhhhsome.

What's up with those lame red hats anyway?

Girl Interrupted said...

I firmly believe it is every woman's right to grow old disgracefully

I know I intend to.

Cora said...

Yep, me too. I look forward to being an old lady. They can say and do whatever the hell they want! Bring it on!

And yeeeaaahhh, Betty White ROCKS!! I adore her!!

fashion herald said...

Hallelujah, I'm on board for this one. Can we start a hoveround gang?