Thursday, May 14, 2009

Why I've Been MIA

I know what you've been thinking.

You've all been on the edge of your seats wondering, "Where in the world is Prunella Jones?" while humming that Carmen Sandiego song, right?

Okay, probably not. (Curse you!)

Where have I been, though? Was I out taking the virginity of all three of the Jonas Brothers?

Nah, I already did that back in January.

me and the jonas bros

Actual photo of me with the Jonas Brothers, hours before I made them into men. Well, that is, I made two of them into men. The prettiest one turned out to be strictly dickly, unfortunately.

Was I out partying?

my pimped pic!
This hat is much more comfortable than it looks.

Usually that's a safe bet, but nope, not this week.

Well then, obviously I must have been hanging out in a creepy old hotel in Colorado with my twin sister, Mary Kate, wearing fabu ball gowns and practicing bulimia, right?


Actually, we are not bulimic! Bulimia is sooo yesterday. We are anorexic. Duh!

Surprisingly the answer is no. I haven't been feeling well enough to do anything much -well, besides play around with Blingee - I have been sick as shit. I think I may have even had (cue the scary music) THE SWINE FLU!

I'm not sure if I did or not since I didn't go to a doctor. But, damn, was I ever sick! Holy shit! I could barely get out of bed most of the week.

It started on Friday. I was feeling a Not bad, but not so good as usual. My energy was really low.

On Saturday I woke up with a sore throat, but I figured I could power through, so I swallowed a ton of Vitamin C, loaded my pockets with zinc lozenges, and went on to Earl's.

Attention Classy Earl's customers: I'd like to apologize for coughing in your faces like that. Hopefully all the alcohol you guys were guzzling killed any flu germs that may have drifted your way.

Also, to the Asian gentleman with the Buddy Holly glasses: I was just joking when I said that my spitting a zinc lozenge on your lap cost extra. I did it accidentally while trying to suppress a cough and tried to play that off to cover my embarrassment. Thanks for the extra twenty though!

By Sunday morning I realized that I could be dying, so I took to my bed and stayed there. It really sucked.

I looked up the symptoms of Swine Flu on the CDC website. Basically, it's just the same as the regular flu, headache, fever, sore throat, lethargy, lack of appetite and coughing (lots and lots of coughing.) I also had a bit of runny nose and some nausea. It could have just been regular flu, I guess. If so, it was really hideous one. I hardly ever get sick usually, and when I do I'm able to shake it off after a day or two, but this - holy crap! This was horrible!

At one point I actually called a friend and asked her to get in touch with Dr. Kevorkian for me. He's out of jail now, right?

Anyway, I'm glad to be feeling better. Still not 100% but much, much better than yesterday. Hallelujah and praise almighty Xenu!

Bad as it was though, I gotta say I had some really amazing ideas while feverish. Super genius stuff! Like, it occurred to me that once we get this cloning stuff down pat, we should totally clone Jesus. Wouldn't that be cool? If we did that, we would - in essence - be becoming gods ourselves by bringing the messiah back to the world on our terms instead of waiting for God to get around to it. Can you imagine? The fundies would go apeshit! Especially when Jesus told them all to quit being such hypocritical cocks. Oh man, I would love that so much! I'd spend the end of days laughing my ass off.

"But Pru," you are probably thinking, "we'd need some of Jesus' DNA in order to clone him. We don't have any."

Yeah, I know. That bugged me too. Then it hit me. We could use The Shroud of Turin. If it's the real deal we should have no problem getting DNA from it. And if we can't, then that would prove once and for all it's a fake. Good idea, huh?

While in my feverish state, I also decided that we should clone Rasputin. Mostly because I was a history major and have always been intrigued by his hypnotic eyes and rags to riches to freaky death story.

Okay, that last part is a lie. I really want to clone Rasputin because he was rumored to have a twelve inch dick which he used to fuck the ladies of the Russian court all night long. Supposedly he could go for hours and hours. Therefore it is crucially important that we clone this guy. I need him to be my sex slave.

Not that I wouldn't welcome Jesus as a sex slave too. Of course, I'd love that! What girl wouldn't? But I figured he'd be too busy helping the sick and poor and casting the money changers from the temple and stuff. He probably wouldn't have enough time to get busy with me. :(

Anyway, one of them really needs to rise again, don't you agree? And by them, I mean either Jesus or Raputin's giant schlong.

I know what I'd vote for. Which would you pick?

So to summarize, the swine flu (or whatever it was) really, really sucked ass. I'm very glad I survived it. And, we need to ferry some of that stimulus money to a cloning program STAT!

How was your week?


Eric said...

Jesus has already came twice, let Rasputin have a chance. hehe

lol at the lozenge situation, but good to hear you are getting over the sickness.

Dr Zibbs said...

Running out the door. Will comment later.

diane said...

Pru, you are, once again, my hero. And we are obviously flu-mates. You described what I've got to a tee.
I had some flu epiphanies too, but once the medication wore off I couldn't remember them. I think I might have "sleep blogged" a little, and left a few weird comments. I love what you said when you spit that lozenge into that guys lap. Once, when I was doing a woman's make-up, I farted, right there in front of her and God and everybody. So, I kind of just gave her a funny look like she was the one who did it, and kept doing her make-up. She was really confused, like she thought maybe she was the one who farted, and she left me a really big tip too! Oh man, good times. I think I need a nap.

Prunella Jones said...

Diane - yeah, this is a bad flu. It takes a while to shake off for sure.

I know what you mean about farting. That was a smart move. Keep 'em confused I say! whenever I accidentally fart on a guy, I tell him he just received a free Tennessee Tooter, which I usually charge big bucks for. That way they don't complain and sometimes even tip me extra!

words...words...words... said...

If this is what happens when you are feverish and hallucinatory, I need to catch the flu and then start writing!

Oh, and I will block any and all attempt to clone Rasputin. It's hard enough for us normal 10" dicks to get any without a guy who's selling it by the foot.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I've always wondered if when Jesus came back if he'd still be Jewish or if he'd be Christian?

Hope you're feeling better, now!

xl said...

I say go trendy and claim it was Swine Flu! Maybe better tips from the Japanese customers?

Prunella Jones said...

10 inches you say? hmmmm. Where do you live, Words?

WendyB said...

I am going to sacrifice my first-born to Xenu in gratitude for your recovery from pig flu and the image you've given me of Rasputin.

Lostinspace said...

Aw pru, you poor girl, my sympathies. But some should remain deceased, that Rasputin was one ugly demented dude.

Girl Interrupted said...

That's my choice??? Two weirdy beardies?

Ok, I'm gonna choose Jesus ... 12" would just scare me, plus Ra-Ra Rasputin was alot more weirdy and beardy than the other dude.

Sorry to hear you've not been well Pru, glad you're feeling better *hugs*

Phat Mama said...

I'm voting for Rasputin and his tool of terror. Terror in the very best.. on my knees, ass wagging, fist pumping, give it to me, Fucker!!.. way.

Cora said...

Rasputin or Jesus? Rasputin or Jesus?... I say Rasputin. Why the hell not?

Prunella Jones said...

Rasputin wasn't such a bad guy really. A bit of an opportunist for sure, but he wasn't the sole reason for the fall of the Russian monarchy. If you get a chance, the book "Nicholas and Alexandra by Robert Massie is a gripping read and does a great job of explaining of the Mad Monk.

And Phat Mama, I like the way you vote! Amen!!!

Dr Zibbs said...

I won't comment because it will make me gay.

~E said...

See, its posts like these that will drive you straight to hell.

and probably, me laughing at posts like these are what's gonna make me join you there.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Loved the lozenge image - sorry you were ill but glad it's your taste in guys - remember before when you fancied that ex-boyfriend of the Palin girl (what was his name Fido or something?)

Princess of the Universe said...

This post was disturbing on all kinds of levels... ;P

erin said...

My kids nose's are all runny and I'm seriously thinking about starting walking now and just going till my freaking feet fall off. I don't want to get sick! Maybe I'll come work at Classy Earls. Think anyone will find my thunder thighs and boobs that fed four children for two years each hot?

Didn't think so.

Cheasty said...

wow. you're gonna get a lot of hits from people who google "jesus sex slave."

glad you're feeling better!

Prunella Jones said...

Erin- believe me, you wouldn't want to work at Classy Earl's. I always feel like I'm starring in a bad Lifetime movie while there.

Take lots of zinc. If I had remembered to do that at the first sniffle it probably never would have gotten so bad.

Prunella Jones said...
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Prunella Jones said...
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Warped Mind of Ron said...

I think you have to pick Jesus. I mean if you pick Rasputin I bet he'll have a "freak" act of God kill him again. Then Jesus would be all "I didn't do it!" and you would get nothing.