"Yeah, it's true, if your ass gets any bigger than this they start docking your pay. You'd better keep on taking the Adderall, Pru. Oh that reminds me, can I buy some off of you?"
"Okay, I wrote down the name of the hair coloring brand we're all required to use. That's Miss Clariol #26, in Bimbo Blonde."
"If you thought Big Earl was bad, wait till you meet the preeverted assistant manager at Hooters. It's sooo gross how he's always checking to make sure we don't have any visible panty lines. That's another thing they will dock your pay for, by the way."
"Oh my God, Pru! Check out that hot hunk of man meat walking over this way. I see him hanging around here all the time and I want him! Does my hair look okay?"
"Hello sexy ladies!"
"Yeah, yeah, quit your snickering, Pru. I know he has a voice like Minnie Mouse and he's a total metrosexual but I don't care! He's super foxy. Oh and tell your drunk friend Paula to back off. I saw her giving him the hairy eyeball at Starbucks the other day, and pretending she couldn't remember how to stir her coffee so he'd help her. This guy will be mine, you bet your sweet ass!"
"Hey, anybody got a light?"
30 comments:
Hey, VPL checks are just part of my job! Though I admit 'checking the oil' might not be the only way to test.
thank jesus becks caught on to stalkers like lindsay and paula at starbucks and now he's switched to the coffee bean and tea leaf near my house! now, let me get this straight, you're sure it's clairol #26 and not 28? because there is a difference between the bimbo and ash blonde.
that "minny mouse" bit was great.
i think you have to find a way to get beck's wife (aka "posh spice") into these tales. have you seen her? she's a plastic freak !!!
Pru, you should definitely listen to Lindsay. Crack whores are known for giving sound advice. Just the other day I told this guy that he should go ahead and have the operation. A pair of tits would look so much better on him than that penis dangling between his legs, I reasoned. See? Sound advice from a crack whore!
Scoring with Becks is an admirable goal for any young lady (or old broad)
Mister U- true, you should consider changing that policy. Oh and FYI, making the girls bend over everyday while you take pictures is not a very popular either.
PK- well, she did write down #26. I believe #28 is Pale Prostitute Platinum, though I may be mistaken.
Anandamide- I have a feeling Posh will be showing up at some point soon. She keeps a close eye on her man.
Bottleblonde- sounds reasonable to me. And Lindsay is a girl with a great head on her shoulders. She seems to make nothing but good decisions.
Diane- he does look good. If only I'd never heard him speak I could keep my illusions intact, but alas.
BB, you were totally right about the tits. I'm a new man. Or rather, a new man-woman.
Wow - I'm really glad I don't go to Hooters that much (as in NEVER).
ear plugs and booze, baby!
Hey, I didn't even realize Lindsay was hitting on me there. I just thought you girls were the most inept coffee stirrers I had ever met. I felt really bad about accidently lighting her bangs on fire along with her cigarette though. I hope she's not mad at me. When are you going to have sex with me? Lindsay passed out just when things were getting good and it was like poking a warm blow-up doll after that. I mean, it was OK, but I'd rather she have been concious at the time. Not that I'm complaining or anything.
Your friend Lindsey is a total S to the LUT. Oh and when I am done with that hot hunk of man, he will be talking like Mickey Mouse on HELIUM. That is how good I am. You girls better watch your back fat, oh I mean back. Sorry.
Oh man! It's been ages since I've caught up with Lindz. We used to hang back when she had a steady flow of Oxycontin, but now that she is clean I have no real need to keep up the friendship. Well, I mean, she says she's clean, but who knows... that crazy bitch is just mean enough to bogart her supply.
PS why do I want to nut Lindsay so badly?
Mister U- congratulations on the new additions. Now don't forget to always wear a bra. They say silicone doesn't sag but from what I've observed that's a total lie.
Sudie- you are not missing anything.
Diane- so that's how Posh gets through her nights? I thought she relied on anorexia and botox to the brain.
Memphis Steve- I'm sorry, but Lindsay is my best friend. I really wouldn't dream of having anything to do with you until she pisses me off. You understand.
Ryan- I don't doubt it, baby. You are so fierce you make Tyra Banks want to rip out her extensions in a jealous rage.
How was the race BTW?
Mish- well, she may not be doing Oxy anymore but Lins is hardly clean. She just bought a dozen of those psychadelic toads and keeps them stashed in a small pond behind her place. Licking their backs is kinda gross, but it's a pleasant high and much tastier than eating shrooms.
Mister U- if I had to guess I'd say it's because you are gay.
Sadly, the skin around silicon does sag.
PS are yours real? I heard asking that turns girls on.
What a clever question that is! It's something you never usually hear while giving a lap dance.
Are mine real? Well, I'm five foot nine and quite slender, and I'm sporting triple F's so I think the answer is obvious. Of course they're real!
I meant your nails! What kind of guy do you think I am?
PS my pastor says I am not gay any more so don't you start.
Some men should definitely be seen and not heard. (Why does it feel so good to harass and belittle the opposite sex?)
Becks won't need to say a word for what I have planned for him. He can just nod his head yes.
He looks gay to me, except he is not happening enough to be gay.
Yes, that's fine. I totally understand. I've never seen such a close knit pair of girls. She takes your tampons and replaces them with rolled up toilet paper in a tube and you don't mind. She takes your money and replaces it with more toilet paper and you don't mind. She calls you a total skank behind your back and you don't mind. She brags about banging every guy you ever dated before you two have your
first 'special moment' and you don't mind. Truly you are a terrific friend. Either that or a doormat. When are you going to slap the bitch down and make her show a little respect?
You say you're 5'9"? That's awesome. My fiancee was 5'9" and then I married a girl who was 5'9" and if you were a little taller, say 5'10", I'd totally attack you, 'cause 5'10" and blonde is HOT. But 5'9" and blonde ain't bad.
I can't figure out how tall Lindsay is 'cause she's never sober long enough to stand up. Not that this really matters except for when we do it in the shower. I'm all the time having to tie her to the old-lady handles and stuff to keep her from falling into the floor. Good thing she's into asphyxiation, eh? She's like soap on a rope, that girl.
I feel kind of left out. I have no idea who any of these people are. I should watch more TV I guess.
Mister U- oooooh I thought you meant my feet. I guess I'm a little sensitive because they are so wide. Other kids used to make fun of me for wearing dinner plates for shoes. Bastards!
Dude, I don't care what your pastor says. Even if you don't suck it, holding one in your mouth still makes you gay.
Helen- well why not? Equal opportunity and all.
LA- what could you possibly have planned for him that he would need to consent to? Mowing your lawn, perhaps?
Mister U- you gay guys have such high standards for fashion! I think he looks fine.
Memphis Steve- so that's what's been up with my tampons! I wondered why they didn't fit! I thought maybe my raw veganism and yoga were helping to restore my virginity. Damn! That sneaky little skank. Okay, I guess I will have to sleep with her boyfriend to get back at her. Not you -- one of the other 12 dudes she's dating.
Captain- that's okay. If I had Jesus and Elvis as friends I wouldn't need to watch tv either. Can I come hang out with you guys sometime?
mmmmmm ... Becks.
A well placed handkerchief will silence Minnie Mouse.
Your company never ceases to amaze OneHung.
MMmmm....Becks is sure easy on the eyes.
and about the voice, you know, I used to have a thing for Oscar De La Hoya, but he musta took too many shots below the belt b/c he had the mouse-ish thing going on too.
So to counteract that problem, I just gag them with something while we're screwing.
Becks is a great lay, btw.
Moi- you kinky little vixen!
One Hung- I do live in a strange neighborhood.
Samantha- oooo you must tell us every filthy detail! I bet Becks is a toe sucker. Am I right?
Wow. You and your friends are so classy and urbane. I never have interesting conversations like that with any of my friends.
Just the other night after work, I was sitting in the creek bed with a few of the local insane hobos. I give them clean syringes in exchange for their minionship (and crazy hobo secrets), and we were having the most boring conversation.
Toothless Charlie was saying you can get high drinking the blood of someone who just shot up as long as you eat their liver after you drain their blood, while Sanchez was saying the only way to get a decent contact high through junkie blood was by smoking it out of a glass tube laced with bleach.
It was about the time that Charlie started hacking up bloody spiders of some kind and Sanchez went into a drug-induced Mayan religious trance that I realized, even though I've lived in cities my entire life, my reclusive tendencies have left me more bumpkin than cosmopolitan, and my life is rather dull.
I guess that's not really a bad thing. We can't all have exciting and interesting lives with glamorous jobs and attractive friends. Anyway, one of the neighborhood covens actually managed to conjure something really evil tonight, so I'm going to try to demonproof my windows.
Morbid- well, I don't normally have such high caliber conversations with all my friends, most of them are kind of dingy, but Lindsay is special. We've totally bonded over our shared ability to laugh at the pathos of human existance. We also enjoy debating the definition of consciousness and the merits of Thomas Pynchon's prose. Plus she loans me money.
Your hobo pals sound like fun. I agree with Toothless Charlie BTW. It seems entirely plausible that eating a dead junkies liver could give you a good contact high. Truthfully, I find that homeless and insane people make the best friends. Your story reminded me of a woman I used to ride the bus with during my many long years as a dirt poor college student. Her name was Betty and she told me she was Carlos Santana's ex wife. Even though I knew it wasn't true, I was jealous of her imagination. Her tales of their life of glamour and excess in the seventies were so riveting, that I didn't even mind the fact that she smelled like pee and was constantly hitting me up for dollar bills and cigarettes. Now whenever I hear the song Black Magic Woman I think of Betty mouldering away at an LA bus stop. Screw you, Carlos!
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