Monday, September 17, 2007

These are the People in my Neighborhood

Even though I've lived in Tennessee for a while now, I don't know a whole lot of people. And I don't know too many of my neighbors. So when the neighborhood association closed down my street for a block party this past weekend, I decided this would be a great time to really get to know the families around me. Actually, I'm lying. I didn't want to go to at all. I hate the neighbors that I do know, but my mom forced me.

My mom is a very social person. I swear, in the short time she's been staying here she has already picked up a southern accent and taken to calling everybody hon.

"C'mon, hon," she said. "It will do you good to make some nice new friends." She is not wild about my part time exotic dancing and thinks the only thing standing between me and a respectable office job is lack of "contacts." As if! But sometimes I feel sorry that she got stuck with such a weird daughter, so I helped her make a baked bean casserole and allowed her to drag me to the stupid party.

The first person I met was a gay guy named Al. I was totally thrilled as I love gay men. I know a few here, but they are all very mellow types. You know, the kind of guys who have settled down with their lawyer husbands and adopted children. I miss the campy gay guys that like to throw back Mojitos and engage in bitchy gossip sessions with me, so it was cool to meet Al. We had just started discussing the merits of MAC false eyelashes when a skinny woman with a giant head, and big bug eyes sat down next to us and glared at me.

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Al and his "wife" Star. How could my gaydar have failed me so badly?

"Hello," she said, extending her hand in a regal manner. "My name is Star. I'm Alvin's wife." Then she planted a big, wet kiss on his mouth, which he returned. There were tongues flopping all over the place. It was pretty gross. I had to look away until it was over.

"Nice... to meet you," I stammered, confused. How could Al be married to a woman? I'd assumed he was gayer than Gay Pride float filled with rainbow colored poodles. But I guess I was wrong. I felt a little bit let down. Luckily my mom started talking to them about Martha Stewert sheet sets, or something equally as boring, so I moved on.

I met one kinda hot guy who had a whole bunch of kids. The kids were pretty cute but very demanding. At one point it looked like he was trying to carry all four of them at once. I never did see his wife. I wonder what she's like?

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The DILF who lives down the block. Yum.

I met the new couple who just bought the house across the street from me. They are pretty nice but a little....trippy. The wife was very, very quiet. She smiled a lot but didn't talk at all, except to say that everything was amazing. Her husband was super intense. He's the kind of guy who stares intently into your eyes while he talks and stands just a little too close. It made me sort of uncomfortable. I kept backing away. As soon as he found out I was a writer he started going on and on about some novel he is working on. Something about a spaceman named Xenu. I guess it is science fiction, I really wasn't listening. I was watching the DILFy guy run after his kids. What a nice butt he has.Schwing!

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The new couple, Tom and Kate. Can you believe how dressed up they for a neighborhood bar-b-que? I was wearing a T-shirt and jeans.

I was really kind of bored all day until I started talking to Paula. I can't believe I've never met her before. Boy, does she know how to party! We totally bonded over Strawberry Margaritas. She was pretty cool and didn't even mind when Tucksworth accidently knocked over her drink and it spilled all over her lap. Actually I'm not sure she noticed, she was pretty hammered. But fun!

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My new BFF Paula.

At one point she turned to me and said -- well truthfully she slurred, "You know, Pru, I am sooo tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am."

I couldn't believe my ears. That's the way I feel every single day of my life!! I'm sure we are going to be great friends.


GetFlix said...

As a friend to a friend, help Paula find some support for her puppies.

Mister Underhill said...

You amd me and paula have so much in common.

I can't believe you thought Starr was a woman. You're so funny sometimes, Pru!

In fact, ALL the men are gay. I thought Kate was the only one clueless enough to believe Tom Was straight. The children are all Kate's. I'm the father, of course.

I get around.

Tell your mom hi, too. I'll see her at church next week ;)

Helen said...

Pru, PRU! I only came back to blogworld to hear about your reaction to Britinia's latest escapades!!!! (well that's not totally true)

But I'm with you on the DILF, (well, not totally, since I'm in Ohio and not your commonwealth)

prettykitty said...

i knew it! it's paula that's supplying your adderall, isn't it? you must trade her with your stash of vikes.

Moi said...

I couldn't stop thinking about the DILF's nipples, as they were so prominent in that photo ... until I saw poor Paul's hooters. As her BFF, you should talk to her (or her assistant) about getting some duct tape for those puppies.


Pru- You should have gone snooping through their homes for valuables while they were loitering on the street, eating weenies.
I am disappointed in you. :(

Prunella Jones said...

GF- well you know, she did start out with a bra. But after her third Magarita she took it off and threw it at the DILF. It landed over by a tree somewhere and then Tucksworth grabbed it and tied it around his waist. I saw him gathering deviled eggs and stashing them in the bra cups. Guess I'd better wash it before I give it back to her.

Mister U- you'd better stay away from my mother! I know what kind of perverted stuff you are into. My mom never even let my father do that!

Helen- I wondered where you had been. Funny you should mention, Britinia. She apparently tried to put a hit out on her ex-husband. I must blog about it soon.

PK- we came to a satifactory arrangement.

Moi- aren't his nipples perky? They are just begging to be tweaked.

Don't worry about Paula. I will take her shopping with me the next time I head over to Victoria's Secret.

Ubermouth- I know! That would have been awesome, huh? Unfortunately my mom was there giving me a steely eyed glare everytime I considered doing that. The woman has been ruining my fun all my life.

OneHungMan said...

Paula needs to do something about those Christmas hams that are living on her chest before he chest caves in.

anandamide said...

Is it just me, or have Paula's surgeons molded a vagina on her chest?

M-M-M-Mishy said...

On the whole, your neighbourhood is much more attractive than mine. Actually, no. It's filled with weird looking people and one really hot dad. When can I move in?

Scottsdale Girl said...

Paula and Tory are poster children for WHY NOT TO GET IMPLANTS, ffs.

mmmmm Brad.....

Samantha_K said...

You know, I went to college in the DILF's hometown...I saw his EX driving down the road once. They showed it on the 10:00 news.

What an awesome party. Totally inviting you and your BFF to the next hot thing we get going around here. Strawberry margaritas for everyone!!

Prunella Jones said...

onehungman- what an amazingly apt description! Can I use that sometime?

Anandamide- it is very crater-like. I wonder what happened. Poor Paula can't seem to catch a break.

Mish- you can move in anytime. I could use someone to help me deal with Britinia and the jello wrestling champ.

SG- do you think the implants did that or were they just naturally concave?

Samantha K- I'll be there! Cheers to you. said...

Where was Ryan Seacrest? Grilling the hot dogs?

Diane said...

Did I mention that Cameron Diaz' sister was at the annual Mayberry-by-the-Sea chili cook-off? I didn't talk to her, but I did bond with everyone who had their dogs with them, and anyone else who didn't mind my slurring over my pinot grigio (yes! our town is KLASSY!)

morbid misanthrope said...

Wow. Your neighbors sound like a bunch of goddamned freaks. And I thought my neighbors were weird. Jimmy/Jenny Tran, for example: a wishy-washy transgender/homosexual, metrosexual/bulldyke, speed-freak/alcoholic, self-loathing/narcissist.

Jeez, people with personality disorders sure are weird.

Look who's talking, ya crazy fuck.

Shut up, mossback misanthrope.

LA said...

Pru is your mom staying with you or living with you?

Your neighborhood is a hell of a lot more interesting than mine, let me tell ya.

Ryan said...

Good God I wish Paula was my neighbor. I would have to go far to score some controlled substances!

Prunella Jones said...

Brenda- that's a good question. I think he was hanging out with non-gay Al.

Diane- yum! I like Pinot. Meeting Cameron Diaz's sister is almost as good as meeting Tori Spelling's personal assistant!

Morbid- wow, you have tranny hookers in your neighborhood too? Geez, they're all over the place here. I can't walk to the Kroger without one of them getting in my face, threatening to cut me.

Oh and one of the voices in my head wants me to give a message to Mossback. It's just one word, and that word is...."SATAN!"

LA- well, when my mom first came out here she said she was going to look around for a condo or small house. But she has been too busy sexing up all the men she is meeting to look at real estate. I guess she will be living with me for awhile until she eventually marries one of these chums. It's not too bad tho. She likes to do laundry and clean. Plus she is too busy with her social life to bug me.....much.

Ryan- yeah she's too out of it to notice when I dig through her purse to score a few Vicodins.

Liquid said...

Please invite me to the next street party! I'll bring my camera and my portable blender! :)
I am here via Memphis Steve's blog!

Just had to blogroll you as I have enjoyed my visit here! Have a great day today.......hope you get to play with DILFy! lol

Call me Kelley or Twizzle. You pick. said...

OF COURSE the DILF's wife was there. Look at the picture again. If you squint, you can kinda see a thin line running down the shot next to the DILF. That's her, she was just standing sideways. The DILF should have fed her a burger or something.