Even though I've lived in Tennessee for a while now, I don't know a whole lot of people. And I don't know too many of my neighbors. So when the neighborhood association closed down my street for a block party this past weekend, I decided this would be a great time to really get to know the families around me. Actually, I'm lying. I didn't want to go to at all. I hate the neighbors that I do know, but my mom forced me.
My mom is a very social person. I swear, in the short time she's been staying here she has already picked up a southern accent and taken to calling everybody hon.
"C'mon, hon," she said. "It will do you good to make some nice new friends." She is not wild about my part time exotic dancing and thinks the only thing standing between me and a respectable office job is lack of "contacts." As if! But sometimes I feel sorry that she got stuck with such a weird daughter, so I helped her make a baked bean casserole and allowed her to drag me to the stupid party.
The first person I met was a gay guy named Al. I was totally thrilled as I love gay men. I know a few here, but they are all very mellow types. You know, the kind of guys who have settled down with their lawyer husbands and adopted children. I miss the campy gay guys that like to throw back Mojitos and engage in bitchy gossip sessions with me, so it was cool to meet Al. We had just started discussing the merits of MAC false eyelashes when a skinny woman with a giant head, and big bug eyes sat down next to us and glared at me.
Al and his "wife" Star. How could my gaydar have failed me so badly?
"Hello," she said, extending her hand in a regal manner. "My name is Star. I'm Alvin's wife." Then she planted a big, wet kiss on his mouth, which he returned. There were tongues flopping all over the place. It was pretty gross. I had to look away until it was over.
"Nice... to meet you," I stammered, confused. How could Al be married to a woman? I'd assumed he was gayer than Gay Pride float filled with rainbow colored poodles. But I guess I was wrong. I felt a little bit let down. Luckily my mom started talking to them about Martha Stewert sheet sets, or something equally as boring, so I moved on.
I met one kinda hot guy who had a whole bunch of kids. The kids were pretty cute but very demanding. At one point it looked like he was trying to carry all four of them at once. I never did see his wife. I wonder what she's like?
The DILF who lives down the block. Yum.
I met the new couple who just bought the house across the street from me. They are pretty nice but a little....trippy. The wife was very, very quiet. She smiled a lot but didn't talk at all, except to say that everything was amazing. Her husband was super intense. He's the kind of guy who stares intently into your eyes while he talks and stands just a little too close. It made me sort of uncomfortable. I kept backing away. As soon as he found out I was a writer he started going on and on about some novel he is working on. Something about a spaceman named Xenu. I guess it is science fiction, I really wasn't listening. I was watching the DILFy guy run after his kids. What a nice butt he has.Schwing!
The new couple, Tom and Kate. Can you believe how dressed up they for a neighborhood bar-b-que? I was wearing a T-shirt and jeans.
I was really kind of bored all day until I started talking to Paula. I can't believe I've never met her before. Boy, does she know how to party! We totally bonded over Strawberry Margaritas. She was pretty cool and didn't even mind when Tucksworth accidently knocked over her drink and it spilled all over her lap. Actually I'm not sure she noticed, she was pretty hammered. But fun!
My new BFF Paula.
At one point she turned to me and said -- well truthfully she slurred, "You know, Pru, I am sooo tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am."
I couldn't believe my ears. That's the way I feel every single day of my life!! I'm sure we are going to be great friends.