What is this.....what is this I spy?
A maiden fair and fresh as the dawn.
With Cupid's arrow have I thus been speared to a lovesick madness;
by this encounter of assailing eyes and pearl-like breasts.
Come to me, oh wicked, wicked wench.
Do you speak of me, my Lord? Pray go on.
Ah, your beauty is saint seducing gold.
Tut, I have lost myself. I am lost utterly.
My love is like a smoke raised with the fumes of sighs.
This fire, scorching with with the heat of a thousand suns,
shall not flicker, but burn only brighter
if you shed thy garments immediately.
Aye, my Lord! I am happy to do thy bidding! Off go these cursed garments!
Oh.....um....sorry, my lady. I do apologize, but you see I was speaking not to you but...
...to this vision of loveliness over here. That's right...you, my maiden. Come to me.
Be right there, Lord Sexypants. Smooches!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Tis too cruel! I cannot live! Where be mine dagger?
36 comments:
Right here, sweetheart. Right here.
Oh Pru...will you ever win?
Good thinking, using johnny depp to play my part. Makes it more approachable to use someone not quite as attractive as myself.
Of course, my pictures on my blog are of my hot frat brother bruno. If only I were good looking like him!
When will I learn that misrepresnenting myself on the internet to woo wimmins is futile? WHEN?
That's great, but have no fear, you can have OneHung instead.
GF- ah hah, yeah, I left myself wide open for those dagger remarks, didn't I?
Sudie- the course of true love never runs smoothly. One of these days Johnny will be mine, oh yes. Until then I will just continue to stalk him.
Mister- speaking of stalkers....what's up, Bruno?
Onhungman- thank you, good sir. I shall put my dagger down now. So when can we get married? Oh and I'll need my own car, nothing fancy, a Jaguar will do. Oh and a great big diamond. And some gold teeth for my grill.
PS - my god you're hot.
OK, now I'm beginning to see how this works. Ah, if I cut and paste the body from here, the breasts from there, the eyes and hair over here, and PRESTO! I have a complete photo of my sweet, sweet Tennessee Princess of the long golden hair!
Hey, I know you. I put a $10 in your G-string once and you kicked my beer over and farted in my face. Granted, the stage was a little slippery that night and most of the girls were slipping and sliding, but the fart was totally uncalled for. As if that weren't bad enough, you stepped on my lap wearing those damned heels when your set was over. I screamed like Michael Jackson, "I'm a lover, not a fighter," before passing out from the pain. When I woke up, my wallet was gone and I was sitting against the curb in the parking lot watching you peel out and drive away. Is that what I get for $10? That wasn't fun at all.
Mister U- actually, that's not me. Do you really think I would pose for internet pictures with such greasy unwashed hair and deep, dark circles under my eyes? No, no, that is just some slutty pole dancer I work with. She posed, and I paid her with a bucket of fried chicken.
Memphis Steve- sorry about that, but you were lucky. I normally charge $100 for The Tennessee Tooter, but I gave you a discount since you blog and all. Too bad you couldn't handle it, nancy boy.
I'll rent him out to you on alternate weekends.
Wow, pictures for a bucket of fried chicken? You have to introduce me to this girl.
I was seriously going to tell you eat a fecking cheeseburger while simultaneously in shock that you finally exposed (cough) yourself.
But you cleared all that up for me in comments.
Prunella DeVille, is that a picture of Lisa Rhinna you posted? Are you trying to bump up your hit rate?
MJ- sounds good. How much? Can I have every third Monday as well?
Mister U- well...at work she is known as Twiggy, or Gwyneth for her vague resemblance to Gwyneth Paltrow and snobby college girl attitude, but I AM NOT snobby. I mean...she is not snobby.
If you want her phone number, I think it's 867-5309. It seems like I saw it scrawled on a bathroom wall somewhere.
SG- sadly, it has been my experience that cheeseburgers and g-strings do not mix. Why do you think I adopted a vegan diet? Cause it tastes good?
Anandamide- was it that obvious? Dammit! I shall now hang my head in shame.
Jenny, is that you?
Hahahahahahaha!!!! LOVE it! And I'm so sorry Johnny chose me. Don't tell my husband! :)
An interesting fact about Lisa Rinna: When I was a magazine editor, we did an interview with her. It took the photoshop guy several hours to make her photos look good enough to print. Seriously, is she, like, 58? I think she hits the tanning booth a little too often. Her skin reminds me of the leather hat my grandfather used to wear when he was laying down train tracks in the desert.
If you can't get Depp, you can almost certainly land Skeet Ulrich--they're practically the same person, and I'm sure old Skeet is used to people calling him Johnny Depp by now.
Mister U- yes, Forest, it's me.
ablondeblogger- I won't tell...as long as you promise to let me have Johnny when you are done with him.
Morbid- thanks for the insider scoop on Lisa. I love that kind of stuff. I do think she is an attractive lady aside from the insane trout pout and leathery skin. People seem to adore her. A while back I was getting tons of hits a day for people googling Lisa Rinna's hairstyle. I still get them every once in awhile. It's bizarre.
Oh and thanks for the good news about Skeet. I'd forgotten about him - he was from the Scream movies, no? Very Johnny-like, especially if you squint.
What would I have gotten for $20, that's what I want to know? I can't get this PRADA print off my penis. Except it's written backwards, so it looks funny. It sure is hard to explain to people at the nudist camp, though. Funny, my doctor seemed to know right away where I got this. Do you do this often?
Your blog? Is hilarious!
And your commenters? Just as funny!
Pru, Honey, you can have everything but the gold teeth.
Memphis Steve- $20 bucks for a Prada branding is a great deal, much cheaper than a tattoo. You should wear it as a badge of honor at the nudist colony. It shows the world that you are a proud big spender at The Boobie Barn. We only stomp on the big tippers.
Sarah- thank you. And I agree with you about the commenters. Seriously, their comments are always much wittier than the actual posts.
Onehungman- no gold teeth for me? Awwww, I'm sorry, Onehung, but those are essential. I guess I can't marry you.
Johnny has never looked better! My crystal ball says he is yours, baby!
Diane- Johnny doesn't age. I truely believe he must have made some sort of deal with the devil.
All right Prunella, we's buds and all, but back away from the Man, right now.
Johonny is timeless ... really.
But be caregful Pru .. look what happens to the ladies he loves... Wino, Co-Kate Moss ... and don't forget Jennifer Grey. Maybe you would be better of with ... hmmm ...
Get thee to France right away. When he comes home, you can show him what a real woman is like ... not that alligator bag with boobs in your post.
Just out of curiosity, have you ever .. er ... danced at a club in Jacksonville, Florida? A really rough place where the bouncers are big steroid abusing gay guys who scream at the ... er ... dancers, to clean up the place after they've beaten up several of the Johns, I mean, customers who kept hanging around past 2 a.m.? Years ago at a bachelor celebration I somehow ended up with NIKE stamped on my genitalia, much like this PRADA print, and I thought perhaps I had run across, or rather, under you before. The thing is, we did shots all night and I just can't remember. But ever since then, whenever I go into a club like that, I hear the sound of my mother screaming. And then I pass out. It's all very Harry Potterish, really.
Brenda- don't worry. Johnny has made it quite clear that he doesn't...(sob)....want...(sob)..me.
Fran- you are right. I should be with Pete Doherty instead.
Moi- I'd love to go to France. I could sit at a cafe sipping latte, smoking long, brown cigarettes, and looking mysterious until he noticed me.
Memphis Steve- dude, I think you really need to quit drinking. Otherwise, the next time I see you at the club I am going to take your pants along with your wallet.
So it WAS you!!!!!
I love the classics!
That would be ME who loves the classics. Todd loves sports. And apparently me.
Just popping in to show off my legs.
I finally got my avatar!
Since first visiting this blog, I’ve wondered what they look like. Deep down I thought that maybe you would someday show them to your readers. My patience has paid off, as you have finally revealed . . . . . albeit somewhat obscured by your arm . . . . . your beautiful hardwood floors.
Memphis Steve- I admit nothing.
I <3 Jen!!- I <3 your user name. That's adorable.
Jenster what a lucky girl you are!
MJ- ah so the stripey tights won? I voted for the cigar, but only because I didn't want you sharing your sexy legs with the whole internet. You know how possesive I am of my woman! It's bad enough I have to share you with those other ho's.
Dan- well, I am very house proud.
LOL! I always share!
Wow, I'm sure this was a really funny post but I was so distracted by the first JD picture...Oh, wait..went back and read, LOL.
*loving your blog, glad I clicked over here!*
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