Life sucks as usual. I hate my job, but every other job that I've applied for seems worse. One of those damn protesters poured diet Mountain Dew on my new distressed metallic-Italian leather heels and now they are a sticky mess. And last night my cousin Balki showed up on my doorstep, looking for a place to live. I guess my other cousin Larry kicked him out of his Chicago apartment. It's not like I can say no, the guy barely speaks English. My dad's people all come from a tiny Greek island called Mypos where everyone herds sheep and marries their relatives. Thank God dad got away! My mom wants me to get Balki a job at The Boobie Barn. Great, like I don't have enough things to do.
Cousin Balki is already getting on my nerves. He's full of stories about the old country, and the time he was abducted by gypsies are something. I try to tune him out.
Anyway diary, like I said, I've been feeling a little blue and in need of some distraction. My friend Lindsay and I decided to head over to the fairgrounds on Saturday night to see what was going on. I was just devouring a deep fried pickle on a stick (yeah I know that's not on my raw diet. Shut up!) when I spotted him up on stage, strumming on a guitar. My new true love. The lead singer for Jordan Catalano and the Emo Boys.
He had the voice of an angel. Or at least, a better than average boy-bander. He looked right at me as he sang these words:
Oh Mary was the type of girl
so nice that she was rude
she liked to wear one red shoe
and maybe do a shot or two
it always got her in the mood
to eat junk food and get tattooed
it may be lewd but I viewed her nude
and later on we totally screwed
it was transcendent ---until she spewed
oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
oh no, no, no
So poetic! I deeply felt that we must be soulmates. I was so mesmerized that I accidentally jabbed Lindsay in the eye with the pickle stick. She barely noticed. Her face was all slack with lust. Drool was beginning to leak from the corners of her mouth. I knew I would have to fight her for this guy.
I figured I had a good chance. I mean, sure, she has blonde hair and big round boobs, but I have intelligence and wit and a slightly better than average ass.
Well, you can guess what happened. He went home with Lindsay. Men always go for the big boob types! I comforted myself by imagining how many STDs they had between the two of them. It was like trying to guess how many jelly beans are in a jar. I'm not very good with math.
But wait till I tell you this, diary. I had the last laugh. When I went to Starbucks last night for my Venti Decaf Pumpkin Latte, I saw him in line. He didn't look all that hawt.
He was wearing Crocs. That's right, Crocs. Shiny silver ones. It was like -- so lame. And he was totally wearing last seasons eye liner. I smiled real big at Lindsay. She scowled at me and gave the finger.
Looks like Linds has been hitting the hair dye again. I wonder what happened to the #26 Bimbo Blonde?
Lindsay doesn't have much of a sense of humor. I much prefer hanging out with Paula. While we were at Starbucks, Mr. Dreamy walked in.
"Hullo girls."
Even though I still think he has a goony voice, I'm starting to crush on Mr. Dreamy myself. He's just so shiny. Plus he smells really good. Like....designer spring water and white truffle shampoo. Paula remarked that he was so beautiful he made her want to cry. And then she did.
That crazy Paula! She's a lovable little nut, she is. She wasn't even that drunk!
Well I gotta go, diary. I need to speak to Captain Peanut about a job for my cousin. Paula said she would pay Balki to rub her feet and warm her cold, cold bed, but I'm sure she was kidding. I don't think even she is that desperate. He's really irritating. Even Tucksworth can't stand him. He keeps smacking Balki upside the head with a stainless steel ice bucket. I really need to get that monkey another bag of weed. He's so irritable lately.
28 comments:
I was wondering where that little hoor lindsay got to. She stood me up last night! I guess that's what you get for going after the promiscuous hippy types - just when you start to like them their vaginal ADD kicks in and they're off to the next well curved peen that walks throught he door.
BTW, I was making my daily driveby on your house to 'check up on you' and saw Tucksworth throwing apples at the neighbor's cat. A bag of weed might help calm him down, but I think you need to give that monkey an intervention for alcohol abuse!
Or at the least pry that bttle of rye whiskey out of his hand and give him a zima! That stuff makes for mean drunks.
Anything about OneHung in your diary? If not, there should be.
PS didn't paula used to go out with captain peanut or was that some other crazed crackhead?
There is no excuse for wearing Crocs.
Silver Crocs? *thud*
LOL! I had totally forgotten about Balki!
p.s. thanks for all your support.
I wonder how many Coffee Bean's I'll have to camp out at to meet McDreamy
Balki and Jared Leto in the same post? You're a sadist....
OMG! I thought I was the only one who thought Becks sounds like a retard on crack. How can someone that hot sound like a chick on helium? Very off putting!
Mister U- you saw Tucksworth drinking? Damn, he's supposed to be on the wagon! I'm going to have to haul his butt back to AA. It's so embarrassing, though. At the last meeting we went to, Tucks, got bored and started flinging poo. I can't say I blame him. After sitting through all those endless stories about people hitting rock bottom by waking up in a pool of their own vomit, I sorta felt like flinging poo as well.
Onehung- dear diary, today a pretty cool guy named Onehung left me a comment. I wonder if he owns a pair of crocs? I bet he doesn't.
Mister U- Paula hasn't sunk so low as to date Capt. Peanut. Not yet anyhow.
MJ- ain't that the truth!
SG- for some reason they are a very hot trend here in Tenn. I don't get it.
Brenda- try as I might I can't seem to forget Balki. He haunts my dreams nightly with his incrediable sexual charisma.
Diane- well, knowing where you live I'd say you have a much better chance of running into him than the rest of us. Better keep some of that yarn handy so you can lasso him in when you do find him.
Anandamide- I was going to put Pat (Schneider) Harrington in this post as well, but I restrained myself. See, I'm always thinking of you.
T-girl- I think it was God's idea of a joke. I've noticed that He has a very weird sense of humor.
That's a sassy new avatar, baby.
Poor Tucky...it's so hard to maintain that first buzz, isn't it?
I think Balki should work at the Weenie Barn instead of the Boobie Barn.
I know, one more story that winds up with some fat loser washing her dishes in the bathtub and I am totally quitting AA.
Thank god you didn't go home with emo boy. Imagine what you would have thought of yourself if you had slept with him, only to find out about his silver crocs. That could possible send you over the edge. Maybe that's what happened to Britney Spears-could be why she shaved her head.
Aahhh Lindsey... future college material trying to straighten her life out.
I'd love to grade her essays.
No, really, I'd like to grade her essays and let her know how pathetic at thinking and expressing herself that she truly is.
Have a great weekend.
never mind the crocs, there's no excuse for mr. dreamy to dress like a 12 year old on summer break. although i do agree with paula, he makes me cry too. especially after getting an invite from a friend for a VIP meet and greet for the LA Galaxy and ol' dreamy decides to sit the rest of the season out. i'd love to flip him the bird with lindsay's finger.
Sudie- too bad there isn't a Weenie Barn here in Nashville. Balki would fit right in, wouldn't he?
Mister U- I'm such a rotten person. Whenever I have gone to AA meetings, my competitive spirit kicks in. I spend the whole time thinking up outlandish stories of hitting rock bottom that would make make everyone want to puke. I don't listen or take it seriously at all. That may be why I am still a lush.
Catherinette- that's an interesting theory, I can totally see it happening. I'm starting to sympathize with poor Britney now. Those crocs make me shudder.
Yeah Him- I just read somewhere that Lindsay is thinking of attending college. I'm sure she will be accepted at Harvard right away. This is the kind of stuff that makes me want to stab myself in the head with a spork.
PK- do'h. I'm sorry you won't get to meet Mr. Dazzle. I guess he is too busy tending to his injury and spend up that 100 million he got from the team. What an amazingly smart investment that was!
Am I the only one that thinks Balki and that pud with the guitar have similar features? At first I thought perhaps you gave old Balki an emo makeover. Interesting fact: my MP3 player has nothing but the theme song to Perfect Strangers on it. I love that goddamned song!
I read somewhere that those shoes, Crocs, have a nasty--or rather hilarious--tendency to get caught in escalators. Crocs may look ridiculous, but I'm in favor of anything that turns people's feet into disconnected piles of oozing meat and protruding bone shards.
AA meetings are for suckers. I'd rather be a self-destructive alcoholic with a life expectancy of 26 than spend all my free time whining like a gothic teenage girl on downers in front of a bunch of other pussies who traded a cool substance addiction for a whining-at-meetings addiction. Besides, hitting rock bottom every few days helps me appreciate my normal, dirt-bottom life.
Are you and Undie married yet? Cuz I gotta tell ya, Betty is dreaming about him. You didn't hear that from me though.
You could always pimp your cousin and tell him that IS the American dream.Then YOU won't have to work. Fuck, blondes ARE dumb!:)
OMY, I totally forgot about that show, why did that make us laugh? Jesus.
MOrbid- I shouldn't be so dismissive of AA. It does seem to work for a lot of people. Addiction to any substance can be a beast, as I recently found out when I tried to ween myself off of the massive quantities of Adderall I was enjoying. It would probably be helpful to have others to talk to. My problem is that I'm not a joiner. Plus, I can't go five minutes without ridiculing something or someone. I blame my father for passing along his shitty genetics to me. His side of the family is loaded with bitter, bi-polar, schizophrenics who are so stupid they can't even manage to rob liquor stores or manufacture meth without getting caught. You'd think my mom would have been more wary of mating with someone with such obvious issues, but she was lusty for him because he resembled Elvis. I think I've inherited my mother's good judgement as well.
The theme song to Perfect Strangers is catchy, isn't it? It always makes me want to shake my booty and light something on fire at the same time. Now that's the mark of a great song.
Ubermouth- Mr. Underhill and I are not married. We just rag on each other like a married couple. Betty is perfectly welcome to dream about him. I mean, who hasn't dreamed of being thrown against a wall and taken by Undie? I know I did just the other night. Except that it was actually Christian Bale that I was dreaming about. God, he's hot!
I would be happy to pimp out Balki if I could actually find someone willing to pay for sex with him. Are you? Let me know.
Helen- I'm not sure. I've repressed all of my memories of the eighties.
Your cousin, Balki, is such a dirty whore. Didn’t you see him all up in Janice Dickinson’s grill when she was on tour promoting her drag queen club? I hope you don’t share a toilet with him. Crabs jump far, you know.
Bottleblonde- it's true, my cousin is a randy little pervert. He doesn't really quite understand the polite ways of our society yet. The poor guy is used to getting busy with farm animals. You can see why Janice got him so excited, since she does sort of resemble an angry goat. I'll talk to him.
And don't worry, I wouldn't dream of sharing a toilet with Balki. He does all his peeing, sleeping, and showering out in my backyard. In fact I only allow him inside once a day to do my vacuuming.
Hey, where did this post come from? I visited your page every day last week and never saw this. WTF?
Damn illegal aliens, stealing all the good jobs at the best strip clubs! You should have him deported. Either that or make him get some implants and get up on stage to earn his way. In the long run, he'd thank you for that. You know what they say "teach a man to fish and he'll become a stripper and get rich" or something. Shit, I can't remember all these damn old sayings. Google it or something. Why do I have to do all the hard work?
I heard that Lindsay and Paris got together and did some hot girl on girl action once and it was like a chemical weapons experiment what with all the diseases they had between them. One of Paris' gay boy friends said he got to watch and that when they bumped cooters together the viruses actually began to form a lifeform which crawled away and ate Paris' little doggie. I don't know if that was true or not because that homo does so much crack and all, but he seemed serious when he said it.
Memphis Steve- hmmm thatis strange. The ways of Blogger are a mystery.
If Lindsay and PAris did what you say, then their sex tape should end up on the internet eventually. Celebrities seem unable to restrain themselves from taping their sex acts. You'd think they'd at least remember to erase after viewing said tape once, but nope.
Pru, I galloped by earlier, and meant to stop again, but forgot )damn alcohol( oh hell, I forgot what I was going to say anyhow. Well, hell, I loves you girlie, and you're one of my threes. )and no that wasn't a veiled invite( ) and yes, I've been drinking( ) and yes it took me three times to write veiled() and yes I just realised I was hitting the 0 instead of 9 and the 9 instead of 0(
Why haven't you sicced an angry Tucksworth on Lindsey yet?
Helen- I loves you too, girlie(!)
LA- Tucksworth is in love with Lindsay. The only thing he waants to attack her with is his monkey love stick.
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