Lindsay's Excellent Adventure

Friday, May 25, 4:00 AM



Ah that party was so bitchin! (sniff sniff) Let's go pick up some brews and corn-nuts from this mini mart and then head back to my car. I'll drive.




CRASH!




OMG! What the heck? Strange things are afoot at the Circle K!




Dude, it's me. I mean it's you. I mean it's Lindsay, from the future. Listen whatever you do tonight, DO NOT DRIVE! I totally mean it.




Trippy. (sniff sniff) I must be really high.




No, this is, like, true. If you, like, drive tonight you are so totally going to crash your Mercedes into a tree. And then, like, the cops are going to find drugs in your car and you'll be, like, arrested. It will so suck!




Yeah. Okay. Whatever. (sniff sniff) Hey do you have any coke on ya?




Oh sure, totally. Come on, let's just go behind this time machine thingy so the paps don't see us.

Exclusive Interview with Britney's Hairdresser

Beautiful pop princess Britney Spears is as well known for her constantly changing hair looks as she is for her music. Unafraid to experiment, she has sported several different colors and lengths, often on the same day. So how did the "Toxic" singer achieve such luscious locks mere months after shaving her head? I sat down with Carleen Sue Washington the woman responsible for Brit's new sultry blonde bombshell look, to find out.




So Carleen, tell us a little about yourself. How long have you been a hairdresser?

Well I reckon I been doing hair for about twenty sum years now. I've always been good at fixin my ownself up, so after my second husband went to jail and I was left to raise up my son Winston Salem Junior all alone, I decided to make myself some money doing what I was best at. Course I don't have a license or nothin. They want you to go to school for that. Which is silly in my opinion. I'm already an eighth grade graduate! No, I do hair right here in my kitchen. My clients love it cause I don't mind frying them up some liver and onions for lunch while I'm perming their hair.

What's it like to work with Britney?

Why Britney is just the sweetest thing in the world! I don't know why people want to be so mean to her and say she's a drug addict. Who hasn't done a little meth here and there? Just cause she's a mama don't mean she cain't have no fun.

Right after she shaved her hair off she called me up a crying. She said, "Oh Lord, Carleen Sue, I done shaved my hair off and everyone's a laughin at me." And said to her, I said, "Britney honey, don't you worry about a thing. You just keep a wig on your head for a bit. Ain't nobody will even notice. And once you git about two inches of fuzz, I'll bleach your scalp and tie you up some extensions and you'll be gooder than ever!" And she was so dadgum relieved to hear that.


For the fans of this new look, how much will these Britney style extensions cost them? Are they very expensive?

Well yes, they are pretty expensive. They will run you about forty dollars. But that's only because they are 100% barbie doll hair. I always say you gotta pay for quality. Britney understands that.


Thank you for speaking with us, Carleen. Where is your home business located?

I'm right off the 91 Freeway at the Budget RV in Rubidoux. Trailer number six. Cain't miss it. My son is usually playin his banjo on the front steps.

Introducing Botox Water

How many times have you looked at yourself in the mirror and thought, "Damn, I'd be hot if it wasn't for these annoying wrinkles and the fact that I weigh 300 pounds?" Well get ready America, now you can do something about it.

From the makers of Blarghballah water comes an exciting new product for summer 2007. Botox Water! Just a few sips a day will effectively paralyze your lips into a sexy pout, leaving you incapable of frowning or eating.



Celebrity spokeswoman Jessica Alba: It burns and I can't feel my mouth, but who cares? It keeps me slim and wrinkle free! Thanks Botox Water!

Q: If your mouth is paralyzed will you still be able to talk?

A: Who needs to talk when you look this good?

Q: Isn't Botox made from a deadly poison?

A: What's your point?

Botox Water! It's like plastic surgery and having your jaw wired shut all rolled into one delicious thirst quenching drink. Pick some up today!

THE PRUNELLA JONES STORY starring Lindsay Lohan

(I promise this is the last one!)


When we left off our heroine, Pru, had just been cuaght in a comprimising position with young Dr. Chase....





Pru: OMG! Sorry, doctor. Uh Dr. Chase here was just helping me cool my loins. They got so hot I accidently set this magazine on fire! Weird, that's never happened before.





Nevermind about that now. I need to talk to you about your tests. You see we found something on your body scan. Miss Jones, I'm sorry to tell you that....well, we think you have a very large, very deadly, tumor in your --





Wait! Did you say you've never shot fire out of your crotch before???? Of course! I've been blind. It's not a tumor and it's not an infection. You're pregnant.....and the baby you're carrying is.... not human. If you don't deliver it soon it will kill you.


see February 15th post for details of the insemination




What? Is this some kind of joke? Get it out! Get it out, NOW!




Cameron, prep her for surgery. I'm going in.


Two Hours Later




OMG! It's hideous!!!!! Help, I think it's biting me!


Meanwhile, somewhere in space...



Lord Cruise, the moment we have waited for is at hand. The chosen one has been born. I have sent a spaceship to fetch him. Tell your earth woman to prepare to strap on her pillow again.




Oh yes! Sweet!




Oh no! Shit!




Introducing Ozzie Danzig Cruise, the future ruler of the galaxy. Muyhahahahaha.


The Next Day




Whoa I gotta quit partying so much. I just had the weirdest dream ever. I think...I mean, it was a dream, wasn't it?




Shhhh. Of course it was, honey. You've been very ill.




Jake? Jake, is that you? Have you forgiven me? Will we get back together?




Of course we will, babe. We'll definately be together again in 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, and 12 seconds.....


The End?

Celebrity Beauty Tip # 13

Smoking curbs your appetite so you can stay slim and sexy.

THE PRUNELLA JONES STORY starring Lindsay Lohan (continued)

HOuse: Well, well, what have we here?

Chase: This patient, one Prunella Jones, collapsed at a party. Friends say she was fine until she heard that her old boyfriend was seeing someone new. She then vomited, turned blue, ripped her clothes off and ran screaming down the street that she would "kick Reese Witherspoon's ass" before passing out.

Foreman: Ugh, she smells like a brewery. Pump her full of fluids and send her to AA.




Wait a minute. She turned blue, which would suggest a lack of oxygen but she was still able to scream and run. Interesting. I had a patient eight years ago who presented with these very same symptoms, right down to threatening to kick Reese Witherspoon's ass. And that patient was dead 24 hours later. This is an infection.




Oh brother! House, are you serious? She's just had some bad coke and too much to drink. She'll be fine.




Pru: What's going on? Blargh! Acck! Oop Eeep Ork Ah Ah! I am Elmer J. Fudd, millionaire. I own a mansion und a yacht. Blarghhhhh, it's scary! REDRUM! REDRUM!




Uh oh. The delusions have started. We have less than 24 hours to figure out what's killing her. Do a MRI, a CAT scan, an LP, and a TB tine. Oh and do that neat test where you stick a needle through her eyeball. I'll be in my office hiding from Cuddy and torturing Wilson.

Later that day




Okay House, we've done the tests. All of them came back normal. She's much better now except for the screaming. We're thinking it could be just a mild case of drama queenitus. Or else lupus. Or else she's faking.




Or it could be a deadly infection like I said. Go test her again. Has anyone seen my vicodin?


Meanwhile in Pru's hospital room...



Pru: Heh heh, thanks for the vicodin Dr. Gimp! These babies go great with a shot of vodka. Par-tay!




Well you're looking much better. Hello, my name is Dr. Chase and I need to run a few tests if you don't mind.




Ooooooh. Why hello there, doctor. I'm glad you're here. I have a new symptom I need you to check out.




What's wrong?




It's my loins. They're tingling like crazy and I can't get them to stop. Here take a look. I'll just move these magazines out of our way.




Ummmmm.....(gulp)




Chase! What the hell is going on in here?


Is a deadly infection eating Pru's brain? Will Dr. Chase cure her tingling loins? Do you think Reese Witherspoon will finally get her ass kicked? What do they call that test where they stick a needle through your eyeball, anyway? To answer these questions and more tune in for another episode of The Prunella Jones Story!

The Prunella Jones Story, Part ???

She was a smokin hot freelance writer turned Hollywood IT girl. He was a gorgeous and talented star troubled by gay rumors. Yes, it's time once again for another edition of The Prunella Jones Story starring Lindsay Lohan as Pru and Jake Gyllenhaal as himself.

In our last episode (sorry, I know it's been a long time) Prunella had gotten herself into some hot water. Unable to choose between her two loves, Jake Gyllenhaal and Johny Depp, she had lost them both. Now months later, everyone is still feeling the pain.....





JAKE: Prunella's new book is supposed to come out today, guys. Come on and help me find it.




JAKE: Ah ha here it is. "Love in a Time of Leprosy" by Prunella Jones. Good girl, I'm so proud of her. She said that she based the part of the leper priest who saves the village from murderous Vikings from outer space on me you know. (sigh) I miss her.




AUSTIN: Whatever. Why are you still thinking about that ho bag? Good riddance. And by the way, your butt looks really hot in those pants.

JAKE: Ummmm....thanks, man. But remember that conversation we had where I asked you to quit talking about my butt? It makes me...uncomfortable.




I wonder....should I call Pru? Nah, probably not. (sigh)


Meanwhile



PRU: Snort, sniff, My life is over. I've ruined everything! Sniff, snorkle. How could I have dumped JAke for Johnny? Snort, hoover. Why am I so stupid? Sniff, sniff.




FRIEND: Pru, you should slow down. You've been partying hard for months.

PRU: Why not? I've ruined my life. I have nothing left except for my good friend cocaine. Here, have a bump.

FRIEND: Snoooooort. Oh yeah!




Who needs love? All I need is a good party (hic) and my good friend....uh what's your name, dude? Would you get me another drink?




Screw you, Johnny! I never loved you! Same for you....Jake (sob)




I don't need any man! I'm hot, successful, and I've got enough drugs to keep me blitzed for the rest of my life.(hic) I'm over you, Jake Gyllenhaal!




FRIEND: So Pru, did you hear Jake's now dating Reese Witherspoon?

Pru: WHAT????? Uh Oh... I....I don't feel so good. The room is spinning. My stomach, I ..I think I'm going to be sick. I can't breathe!

FRIEND: Oh my God! Somebody call an ambulance! She's turning blue.




PARAMEDIC: Get that line in STAT! We're losing her!"


To be continued.....