Monday, May 21, 2007

Introducing Botox Water

How many times have you looked at yourself in the mirror and thought, "Damn, I'd be hot if it wasn't for these annoying wrinkles and the fact that I weigh 300 pounds?" Well get ready America, now you can do something about it.

From the makers of Blarghballah water comes an exciting new product for summer 2007. Botox Water! Just a few sips a day will effectively paralyze your lips into a sexy pout, leaving you incapable of frowning or eating.

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Celebrity spokeswoman Jessica Alba: It burns and I can't feel my mouth, but who cares? It keeps me slim and wrinkle free! Thanks Botox Water!

Q: If your mouth is paralyzed will you still be able to talk?

A: Who needs to talk when you look this good?

Q: Isn't Botox made from a deadly poison?

A: What's your point?

Botox Water! It's like plastic surgery and having your jaw wired shut all rolled into one delicious thirst quenching drink. Pick some up today!

18 comments:

Diane said...

at last the answer to all my prayers

Scottsdale Girl said...

I am still trying to figure out what genius photog thought this look was "sexay". She looks like she should be riding the short bus and wearing a helmet. Ugh!

Prunella Jones said...

Diane- think I should patent the idea?

SG- she tends to look like a mouth breather to me anyway. Those eyes are so blank.

My friend Twitchy used to stare like that at nothing after he did too much bad acid. He also had trouble remembering to swallow whatever was in his mouth. It's why we called him "Bad Batch."

morbid misanthrope said...

I thought celebrities these days were using cobra venom and ancient Egyptian mummification rituals to look young and attractive. I suppose drinking water is a little easier than tempting the merciless hand of Anubis, though.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Nothing says sexy like looking like you just came from the dentist getting your cavities filled.

Frannie Farmer said...

Dude, send me a case now!

Prunella Jones said...

Morbid- the hottest trend for staying young is to snort a substance called melange. It also has the side effect of turning your eyes a lovely blue shade. It's kind of expensive though. Apparently it's only made by these giant sandworms that like to eat people, and you have to go all the way to the desert to get it. I have a theory that our troops have been sent to Iraq not to fight for truth and democracy like the White House says, but to mine melange for Dick Cheney. You know what they say about he who controls the spice...

Prunella Jones said...

Mish- all she is missing is a tee shirt that says, "Drill Me." I wonder if dentists get sexually excited by that look? I bet they do. My own dentist is kind of a perv. He says stuff like "open wide" while fondling my teeth and probing me with sharp instruments.

Fran- but you don't want to end up looking like a Barbie doll, do you? Then you'd be stuck with Ken and he's all tan and boring and lets face it, he's not packing much heat in those stylish pants.

Ffleur said...

Wasabi has the same, albeit temporary, affect as Botox. Plus, its a lovely green colour.

Ok, I'm running out of material here....

Prunella Jones said...

Ffleur- really? I didn't know that about wasabi. I did know that it can cure fungus infections. Or maybe that's kim chee, I get those two mixed up.

Once I was dumb enough to buy a cheap jar of kim chee from the supermarket. When I opened the lid the jar gave a loud BURP and an ungodly stink rushed out which promptly killed every cockroach and spider inhabiting the crappy apartment I was living in at the time. I like it when products do more than one thing.

You cannot possibly be runing out of material, Ffleur. You are Canadian and therefore you are funny. Every Canadian I've ever met has had a droll sense of humor. I'm convinced there's something in the water.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

I'm showing my age here....

I came from a time when, as little girls, we were encouraged to expand our minds and learn all we could and that we WERE "just as smart as the boys" if only we would believe in ourselves and work hard.

It's been hard realizing for the past 10 years or so that the only thing we women are good for is just our body after all. I feel robbed.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

See, even Jessica Alba says so!

"Because obviously, if you have a womanly figure, you're not allowed to have a brain or any idea of the world whatsoever. You just have to be hot and use your body to get ahead."

And if JESSICA says it, it must be true!

Prunella Jones said...

Bren- very true. Much as I enjoy laughing at it, Hollywood is pretty fucked up. Smart, hot, older chicks are in short supply in movies (besides Helen Mirren). They no longer make "dame" pictures about ballsy chicks like Barbara Stanwyck used to star in. How lame is it that getting naked or making themselves look ugly is the surest bet for an actress to show how "serious" she is? Lindsay will win an oscar yet, I just know it.

I missed out on the whole feminist ideal of empowerment. Mtv gave me the notion that Madonna was a feminist. "Hey she gets naked cause SHE wants to not cause Hugh Hefner wants her to. She's so revolutionary!" Excuse me while I hurl.

Jenster said...

Can you direct me to a website or something??

BTW - I watched YouTube videos of Hugh Laurie today and thought of you.

GetFlix said...

Send a case to Rosie.

Prunella Jones said...

Jen- here is my ode to Hugh Laurie (ahem)

Oh Hugh you are a great actor
such wit and wisdom you display
and if I were lucky enough to meet you
there's only one thing I'd want to say
and that would be
SPANK ME DADDY! SPANK ME HARD!


GF- okay, but I'm using your return address. Or else Donald Trump's.

ffleur said...

Most Canadians have a droll sense of humour. Unfortch, the policeman who gave me a speeding ticket a few months ago didn't. And I used my best material too. Doodlebugs! (panda swear word)

Kim Chee. Never tried it. Is it like Sauerkraut?

All I know about the numbing effects of wasabi is how it froze and robbed all feeling from my tongue and upper lip. And I need those!

Prunella Jones said...

Ffleur- That hoser! I hope you told him to take off, eh.

Yes, it is the Korean version of saurkraut, only there are other veggies in it besides cabbage. Really good if you like fermented stuff that will give you vile gas. I do.

You say it numbed your upper lip? I'm totally going to eat wasabi before my next waxing appointment!