When we left off our heroine, Pru, had just been cuaght in a comprimising position with young Dr. Chase....
Pru: OMG! Sorry, doctor. Uh Dr. Chase here was just helping me cool my loins. They got so hot I accidently set this magazine on fire! Weird, that's never happened before.
Nevermind about that now. I need to talk to you about your tests. You see we found something on your body scan. Miss Jones, I'm sorry to tell you that....well, we think you have a very large, very deadly, tumor in your --
Wait! Did you say you've never shot fire out of your crotch before???? Of course! I've been blind. It's not a tumor and it's not an infection. You're pregnant.....and the baby you're carrying is.... not human. If you don't deliver it soon it will kill you.
What? Is this some kind of joke? Get it out! Get it out, NOW!
Cameron, prep her for surgery. I'm going in.
Two Hours Later
OMG! It's hideous!!!!! Help, I think it's biting me!
Meanwhile, somewhere in space...
Lord Cruise, the moment we have waited for is at hand. The chosen one has been born. I have sent a spaceship to fetch him. Tell your earth woman to prepare to strap on her pillow again.
Oh yes! Sweet!
Oh no! Shit!
Introducing Ozzie Danzig Cruise, the future ruler of the galaxy. Muyhahahahaha.
The Next Day
Whoa I gotta quit partying so much. I just had the weirdest dream ever. I think...I mean, it was a dream, wasn't it?
Shhhh. Of course it was, honey. You've been very ill.
Jake? Jake, is that you? Have you forgiven me? Will we get back together?
Of course we will, babe. We'll definately be together again in 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, and 12 seconds.....
The End?
18 comments:
I love it!
So now, "baby" Suri has a half brother! Ozzie totally has Tom's crazy eyes, Pru.
We should all get together for a blogger baby shower. I'll bring the E-Meter and vitamins!
We could invite John Travolta's son, if they ever let him out of the dungeon
Yay a blogger baby shower! You guys are too kind. Thanks for reminding me about my demon/alien/scientology baby, Mish. It totally slipped my mind that I was pregnant. All those auditing sessions make a girl so tired.
Diane, could you knit a muzzle for baby Ozzie?
Okay I just screwed with the ending some more. Thought I'd give a Donnie Darko shout out to GF.
Pure genius, Pru.
Danzig is a great name for a baby. And little Ozzie Danzig Cruise is already as tall as Glenn Danzig ... and that would make him taller than Tom Cruise by at least a foot. I just hope he doesn't have Glenn's glass jaw.
The next spawn will go to Leah Remini or whatever her name is. Then Jenna Elfman gets the next one.
LA- the alien hormones coursing through my body during the pregnancy bore tiny holes into my brainial cavity. It's given me a kind of internal trepanation, increasing my brain-blood volume. Like the hero in "Flowers for Algernon" I have suddenly become a genius. I can now easily elucidate e=mc2, advanced trigonometry, and why "The King of Queens" has been on TV for nine seasons. Unfortunately like Charlie, I am doomed to decend into idiocy again as the tiny holes repair themselves. It's a bummer.
Morbid- now, now. Glenn Danizig may be short but he is a towering and gigantic god of romance. It's true. I've experienced it first hand.
I met the Mighty Midget of Metal backstage at one of his concerts. Though he was surrounded by hoochies I could feel his eyes on me. I approached and asked him to sign the cleavage bursting out of my black leather bustier. He complied and with a slow smile then crooned "oh mother, do you wanna find hell with me tonight?"
"No, no," I replied hauntily, "sing me something good, like a Misfits song."
His lips puckered with annoyance and he pulled me tightly towards him, crushing my knees with his iron grip. "Demon I am and the face I peel, I want your skull, oh baby," he musically hissed in my ear while dragging me back to his tour bus. What followed was the most magical ten minutes of my life.
Is it any wonder I became a romance writer after that experience? Though the hero's of my novels might be named, Chad, Blaine, Lord Arthur Prissington, or Jorund the Large Bulged, believe me they are really only one dark, sardonic hero: Glen Danzig.
Bren- I am done pushing out children for scientologists. They will have to get Michelle Dugger for the next one.
Yeah, Danzig seems to do well with the ladies, but he still has a glass jaw. The new Danzig kicks the Misfits Danzig's ass any day. I'll never like "Wicked Pussycat," though--the only thing worse than the song was the video. Oh ye gods, that was bad.
I look nothing like that!!
Pru - Don't forget... Charley got laid many times before his IQ reverted back to 70.
Morbid- I went to youtube to view this video of which you speak and naturally it had been "removed." So annoying! How could the video be bad? I'm assuming you mean bad as in terrible and not bad as in baaaad which means good. Was there no chicken sacrificing involved? Did Danzig not take of his shirt?
While at youtube I took a minute to view the Danzig knockout video and my old favorite "Mother." While watching it I came to the disturbing realization that Glen looks very much like a slightly less evil Rachel Ray. It was enough to put me off my coffee.
GF- yes you do. Deal with it. I'm here to support you.
LA- with women it works in the opposite way. Men don't like smart chicks, in fact no one likes smart chicks. Idiots who smile big and stick out their boobs are the ones rewarded in this life. My proof? Britney Spears is a millionaire.
Danzig never wears shirts. Never. I've met him a number of times, and he was never wearing a shirt. Once, though, it looked like he was, but he told me it was just a hologram--he was trying to be all incognito at a comic convention while he was buying Sailor Moon dolls.
youtube.com/watch?v=rvmcANKGN-c
(or just search "Danzig pussycat)
The video is bad as in borderline David Hasselhoff ridiculous. Stupid leather cat gloves bad. Women in pervy outfits acting like cats bad. I may be the only guy ever to complain about said video. Danzig's cool and all, but the only person I'll listen to singing about pussycats is Tom Jones.
He does look like a less-dangerous Rachael Ray. I don't know what to think about that, but I am very concerned.
Oh dear. Was that a porno or a music video? Or maybe a preview of the new movie "Catwoman 2: Electric Boogaloo?" Plus the music was blah. Not dope. Not money. I couldn't get jiggy with it. You know what I'm sayin?
I've always wanted to go to a comic book convention. I imagine it would be full of the hottest, trendiest scenemakers and beautiful people. I don't know if I'm hip enough to make it past the bouncers. I only have six lip piercings, is that enough?
Are you registered?
fot the baby I mean ...
F.O.R. the baby .. I mean.
No, I'll leave that to Tom and Katie. I wonder what you would need to buy for an alien baby? An E-meter for sure, vitamins, a book of Dianetics nursery rhymes?
Look, look
see, see,
standing by the gate.
It is not Scott,
it is not Dot,
it is Xenu the Great!
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