Friday, May 04, 2007

A Field Guide to the Second Level of Blargh

The reason for Blargh seems beyond conjecture
It's full of man-eating trees and bad architecture.
The poisonous fungus is bad for your health
and the locals will punch you and steal all your wealth.
The tourist sights have nothing like Stonehenge
The literature is all about ass-kicking revenge
I wish I had never visited this nation
I'm about to be killed by this drunk population. HELP!

W.H. Audene, Letters from the Second Level of Blargh

Ha ha! The Second Level of Blargh has come a long way since that nancy-boy English poet penned these lines in 1936. From an isolated society filled with many things that will kill you, it has emerged as one of the leading tourist hot spots of the world. Come get to know this ancient and facinating land.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket The Second Level of Blargh is a nature lovers paradise. Pollution levels have recently dropped by .013%.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Blargh is home to many thriving businesses. We are second only to Moreno Valley, CA in the number of strip malls per square mile.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Blargh is particulary famous for it's flesh munching fungus. This mushroom is renowed for it's amazing hallucinatory qualities when licked. However you've got to be quick. It's just as likely to rip your tongue off! Ha ha.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket You are bound to spot a Twitney fairy during your stay in Blargh. These enchanting creatures love to pose for photos, but be careful, they bite!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket While in Blargh be sure to try some fried chicken heads, a traditional Blarghian favorite. "The Black Death" a cold 40 ouncer with a shot of nail polish remover is the national drink.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket BLargh is the facial mutalation capital of the world. Why not get a tattoo and a nose ring or ten during your stay?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket There are many fine hotels that cater to luxury loving tourists.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket The people of Blargh are a friendly, fun-loving bunch, but they don't speak much English. Here are a few phrases that will come in handy for communicating with Blarghonians.

jak'thalla ye'k......I swear I have given you all of my money!

nlb'phoooH pA.........Stop beating me!

baH qhonDog qis Sok'chim....Please remove your dagger from my midsection!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Blargh attracts many celebritites. Kevin Federlines brother Cletus visited recently.

Cletus Federline: The Second Level of Blargh rocks! I got really, really high from drinking the water. That is, after I stopped vomiting.

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Katie Couric was recently seen enjoying the nightlife in Blargh.

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The Second Level of Blargh is the travel world's most exciting destination. See you soon!

Congratulations to the winners of the recent Rap-off contest, Maddie and Mishy! You ladies have each won an all expense paid vacation to the second level of Blargh. Come on down to the Blarghbalah center for your tickets. Runner up Fleur has won a years supply of Rice-a-roni and an African orphan! Thanks for playing!


Scottsdale Girl said...

AWESOME! I want to come to Blargh! First I have to make an appt for a spray tan though.

honkeie2 said...

I so want to cum and lick someones dirty mushroom

LA said...

Nice shout-out to Moreno Valley, future home to Cletus Federline.

Prunella Jones said...

SG- you may want to skip the spray tan. Blarghalian men take neon orange skin as a signal that women want to mate with them.

Honk- I think you'll fir right in.

LA- I can never resist bashing on the Inland Empire. But being as I'm from Riverside, I'm allowed, nay, expected to. said...

I'm into that spooky old, I mean

Diane said...

Moreno Valley makes Riverside proper look like paradise . . .

I'm re-thinking my trip to Maui . . .

Prunella Jones said...

Bren- This is the number one hotel in Blargh. No one has died there since 2006!

Diane- why would anyone want to go to boring old Maui?

Riverside IS a paradise for the homeless and insane.

LA said...

Nay, obligated to.

Prunella Jones said...

Yes, obligated is the better word!

morbid misanthrope said...

Perhaps I am the only commenter here to get this feeling, but there seems to be something wrong with the Second Level of Blargh--something Lovecraftian wrong. Perhaps it's the fact that some of those locals look as though they may have evolved a bit since they arrived from the deepest depths of the ocean, yet have retained tentacles and blood-hungry proboscis. Actually, I think Katie Couric just creeps me out. Besides, the Second Level of Blargh couldn’t be any worse than West Hollywood or Bakersfield.

Prunella Jones said...

Yes, Morbid, you've guessed it. Blarghbalah is little more than Cthulhu worship repackaged for the Hollywood set. It was something I planned to reveal only after the cult member had spent $100,000 in classes and gifts to the church. Thanks a lot you literate bastard!

Prunella Jones said...

Oh wait a minute, what am I worried about? No one in Hollywood reads my blog. Or reads period. Sweet!

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Oh shit, I still haven't renewed my passport! Will that hinder any travel plans?

I really want to collect my prize.

T-girl said...

She said Moreno Valley! LMAO I want to go to blargh and meet me a hot man! Ph-i-n-e them boys there are!

Ffleur said...

Auden wrote about Blargh? Well blow me down. I thought you made it all up.

LA said...

p.s. I love that this post is filed under "travel destinations."

Prunella Jones said...

Mish- renew that passport! AAnd don't forget your vaccinations. You need about 23, I believe. Possibly 30.

T- Careful T, Once you go Blargh you never go back.

Ffleur- I never make things up! I speak the truth 100%. The way I see the truth. Which is maybe a little diffrent from the definition of truth per say. Or something like that.

LA- Yes I'm trying to be more organized

prettykitty said...

proof that i've been away too long? i was expecting cousin edith the poetess and instead i get a travelocity of a place comparable to moreno valley. the internet is constantly evolving, unlike the residents of blargh.

T-girl said...

Yeah that is what Britster told me, says it is the best 30 seconds you ever had!

Prunella Jones said...

PK- you have been missed. Hope your all settled in now. How did the move go?

T- 30 seconds? How do they make it last so long? Hubba habba!