Winter Doldrums

doldrums- (noun) 1. a state of inactivity or stagnation, as in business or art.

2. a dull, listless, depresesed mood; low spirits.

synonyms - depression, gloom, melancholy, dejection


Ugh. Can someone please wake me when it's spring? I think I am suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Day after day of dreary gray skies and cold temperatures are starting to bring me down. My brain seems to have slowed down a lot. I'm even more scattered than usual (hard to believe but true). I can't focus. It takes me hours to write one sentence. My normal dithering is getting out of control. I'm having trouble getting going in the morning. Should I wash my hair? What shampoo should I use? Should I have coffee or tea? What should I wear? This or that? By the time I'm ready to start my day it's dinnertime already.

My sense of humor is suffering lately. Stuff that would normally amuse me just makes me shrug. I'll think, "that's funny," but I won't laugh. I don't cackle to myself with evil glee anymore when I write my posts. I'm not depressed so much as I just feel very Blah.

I know I should try to get outside more and I know exercising would help. Last night I ran up and down the stairs about twenty times and it improved my mood for a little bit, but what I would really like to do is hibernate. Anybody else out there feeling the same? What do you reccommend? Besides serious drugs that is. I'll be seeing my shrink next week. What I mean is do you have any tricks to shake yourselves out of the winter doldrums?

RIP Anna

I just turned on CNN and heard that Anna Nicole Smith died. Very sad. Not real shocking or anything but still sad.

Kate's Innermost Thoughts

Kate: I'm so in love with these new Prada shoes that I can't stop looking at them. They are soooo cute! I wonder when this stupid game will be over.




Kate: God I wish Tom would stop clutching at me! His hands are so clammy.




Tom: Come on, Kate. Put a little more passion into it can't you? You're supposed to be an actress!

Kate: (sigh) Whatever.



I've never thought much of Tom's acting but someone really needs to give homeboy some some tips on how to act like a normal, hetro, 40 something, married dude. Here is what I would advise.

1. Dudes don't feel the need to constantly paw, squeeze, fondle, clutch, grope, nuzzle, and squeeze their wives in public. A married dude knows he will be getting some, if not tonight then at some point.

2. Watching sports is an all consuming activity to most dudes. A lot of the time a dude will forget his wife is even in the room unless she brings him a beer at which point he will give her a loving pat on the bottom. Unless his team just scored, then he will be too busy cheering to notice anything.

3. A dude would never, ever wear a shiny, gold disco suit.

As my high school drama teacher used to say, the key to good acting is believability.

Of course maybe I'm just being cynical. Maybe, just maybe, Tom and Kate are having the love story of the century. Maybe their everyday lives are like a torrid romance novel. Now think about it, Kate is the lovely, naive ingenue and Tom is the older, worldly filthy rich man with a dark past. Can you picture it? Let's try that last picture again with some typical bodice ripper dialog.





Tom: I must have you, my little tempest. All of you, your heart, your soul, your slim suppleness belong to me. If another man so much as glanced at you I'd kill him with my bare hands! Kiss me now, you lovely wench!

Kate: Darling Tiger!


Makes sense, huh? No wonder they're always all over each other! Aw it's so sweet. What do you think about them, Britney?




Oh come on, Brit! I just shampooed that carpet!

Big Ones

This is an el Hombre approved post.




Dayum, Ivanka Trump has some huge ones. Those things are bigger than her head. Have they always been that big?




Paula has big ones but they look really, really wrong. What's with the cave in the middle of her chest? Her cleavage reminds me of Tori Spelling's.




Brooke Hogan's are quite large. One might call them hulking if one were so inclined. How old is Brooke anyway? Why does she look like a 40 year old, hard living stripper? Why don't celebrities believe in sending their offspring to college? So many questions today.




John Travolta has a lovely set. I'd say he's at least a B cup. What do you think?




Britney has a very big, very shiny forehead. I just noticed that she, Christian Slater, and el Hombre all have the same balding pattern.




And finally Mischa Barton's boyfriend Cisco has quite a big pair of icky old man balls. My apologies to those of you who were eating.


Sorry el Hombre, I guess this wasn't exactly what you had in mind.

Snow on the Beach?

Hey baby!




Oh that Richie! He is one hot lobster of love. Yummmmm I'd love some lobster with butter sauce right now. Or a rare New York strip steak with bleu cheese and strawberry shortcake and....Oh my God, I've already eaten my 500 calories for the day! What am I gonna do? How can I concentrate on tanning if I'm thinking about food?




Looks like it's time for some of Mama's secret sugar.





Sniff. Snort. Snuffle. Hoover.




Ahhhhhhh that's better. Now I can tan in peace. Note to self, get Richie some sunscreen. He's gonna be shedding skin flakes all over the bed tonight. Gross!

Don't Call Me Thigh-ra

Today on a very special Tyra we will discuss how horrible the media is for picking on fat celebrities, a topic all you real ladies out there can relate to. I mean this doesn't bother ME one bit. I love my fat. That's right, I Tyra Banks, love my fat rolls so much I want to have sex with them! I want to encourage all you young women out there to love yourselves, feed yourselves, and don't listen to the media that says everyone has to be skinny. I understand that not everyone has the high self esteem that I, Tyra Banks, was blessed with. Which is why I will be devoting an entire show to helping everyone understand that this picture of me was shot at a very bad angle AND photoshopped to make me look big. As you can clearly see I am not as big as that picture. I am wearing the exact same bathing suit, control top hose, and four inch heels. Yes, I might have gained thirty pounds since my modeling days but it all went to my boobs! So you can't believe these awful pictures! Really, I mean if I was that fat I'd kill myself.

Xenu Speaks

Excellent! Things are going very well.




Jennifer Lopez will soon be hooked up to the e-meter. Kha ching!




Jenna Elfman is pregnant with a new thetan for the church.





Young Suri's education is coming along nicely.





The woman is giving us much resistance, but it is only a matter of time until we get our hands on their money. Oh yes!





I am very pleased with you, young Cruise. You have finally been recognized as the "Jesus of Scientology." A glorious new age is upon us.





Thank you, my master. So will I be getting the reward we discussed?





Very well. You may have a crystal studded, disco cross simular to Madonna's to hang from.





Sweet!

American Idol Judges Are So Mean!

Simon: Okay, let's see our first contestant. Go ahead Kevin.





Kevin: Yo Popozao!
In Portugese it means "bring yo ass,"
on the floor, and move it real fast.
I want to see your kitty and a lil bit of titty -





Simon: Stop! That's enough. That was horrible, awful. Get out now!






Kevin: Yeah, you don't know nuthin. I'ma be big in 2007! Word. Check it. Peace out!






Paula: You looked hot though. Can I get a lil drink from that bottle before you go?

Simon: NEXT!






Paris: I know y'all be wishin
you was in my position
I'm makin mad money fool
making all the Greek billionaires drool.
Poor Nicole ain't got a clue
how to lose weight without starvin
it's easy, just go to the toilet and spew!

Duh, I mean duh, I mean really DUH!





Simon: Thank you, that's enough. Sweetheart, what are you thinking? That was atrocious.






Paris Oh come on. Please? I'll let you do me in the butt.




Randy: Oh Kay! I vote yes.

Paula: Sorry, but I gotta say no. You looked amazing though and mumble mumble (hic)

Simon: NEXT! Okay Prunella Jones. Tell us why you should be the next American Idol.






Pru: Well Simon, because I'm hot, sexy, spicy, smart, cute, I've got a great ass, and if you don't pick me I'm going to set your cars on fire. Tee hee.





Pru: uno, dose, tres, four

Prunalicious definition, make them boys go crazy
no one can dance as good as me except for Patrick Swayze
coming to me, call me cutie
I'm the P, to the R,U,N,E,L,the L,to the A
and don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?




Simon: Uhhhhhh okay that's enou --




Pru: I'm Prunalicious (so delicious)
I shake my ass and spread my legs because I'm so ambitious
some people try to say my rhymes are repetitious
but yo they just jealous of my fitness (so delicious)
t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty! Owwwwwwww






Simon: Stop! Enough! That was dreadful, abominable, and just plain wrong. I think I'm going to vomit. Randy, what do you say?

Randy: Sorry, dawg, but you're a dog. Not going to happen.




Pru: Wait, I can yodel! High on a hill was a lonely goatherd
lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo --




Simon: NO! Did you really believe you could be the American Idol? You must be deaf.




Paula: You're hair looked great, but....(giggle) okay nevermind, you really did suck.





Pru: No, no you don't understand how much I want this! It's not fair. I've lost 200 pounds for this, I stole $600 bucks from my grandma just to get here! I am gorgeous and I will be famous! All three of you suck! You guys are going to be sorry. I've got a knife in my purse and I'm going to cut you up! I'm going to boil your bunnies! You will regret this! Oh yes! Ha ha ha ha. I'm mad I tell you. Please? Pleeeeeeeeeease?!




Simon: NEXT.

Paula: hic.

The Land of the Lost 2007

Marshall, Will, and Holly
on a routine expedition
met the greatest earthquake ever known
High on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft (ahhhhhhhhhhh)
and plunged them down a thousand feet below
to the Laaaand of the Lost!




Episode 52: Sleestak Paradise




Will: Thank goodness we finally found another diminsional portal to fall through. I wonder where we are now?

Holly: Who cares I'm just happy to be away from those dumb sleestaks.






Holly: Wait, what the heck is that?





Will: Huh?





Holly: Will, I'm getting scared. Where are we?





Roooooarrrrr!





Cha-Ka Eeeeek Cha-Ka no like! Cha-Ka no like!





Will: C'mon guys. Let's go find another time doorway. This place sucks!