Hi guys, I'm back. It took some doing, but I finally managed to escape from the clutches of those crazed spacemen. I can't tell you how awful and scary it was. They made me watch Vanilla Sky over and over again, with my eyes propped open with toothpicks while Vitamin Water was dripped onto my forehead for hours. This torture was so horrible that I actually died from it.
That's right, I was technically dead for about ten minutes.
It was so weird, one minute I was handcuffed to an e-meter screaming in agony and then suddenly -boom- I found myself drifting through the clouds, weightless and floating, feeling at peace. I realized I was dead, and I didn't mind at all. It was lovely. There was no pain, no worries, and no Tom Cruise being intense - just sweet, sweet floating. Then I felt myself touch solid ground and opened my eyes.
What I saw was a land so beautiful, there is no vocabulary to describe it. It was like something out of one of those scenic calendars. You know the ones I'm talking about? They usually have inspiring quotes under a picture of a splashing waterfall with rainbows shimmering in the sunlight. Yeah, it was like that, except there were also dinosaurs.
I wandered around for a while, admiring the views and feeling a bit like Holly in that old kid's show The LAnd of the Lost. I think I even saw Chaka and some sleestacks hanging out in a beer garden, which made me smile. Death was so much cooler than I'd ever even remotely thought possible.
Just when I thought I couldn't be anymore impressed, along came Jesus riding a Brontasaurus.
Jesus is really cute in person, and super cool as well. He took me for a ride on his brontasaurus.
I recognized him immediately because he looked just like he did in my Children's Bible, all blonde and hunky with blue, blue eyes, like a young and hippish Mel Gibson.
"Hey there, Jesus," I said, smiling extra big to make the dimple in my left cheek come out.
"My child," he stopped the dinosaur. "What are you doing here? It is not your time. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you must go back."
"Noooooo!" I cried, feeling like I'd been slapped. "Please, don't make me! I love it here."
His gentle eyes were full of sympathy. "I understand, but that is the way it works."
"Okay," I said with a heavy sigh. "But Jesus, may I ask a quick question before I go? Why are there dinosaurs here in heaven?"
"Well, you see it's because dinosaurs were an original part of the Garden of Eden which my father created four thousand years ago."
"Wow," I said, utterly dumbstruck. "So....wait... I guess that means Sarah Palin's crazy bible beliefs are correct then. Man and dinosaur did exist at the same time! Maybe I've misjudged her? Maybe....maybe....I should vote for the McCain/Palin ticket after all?"
Jesus burst out laughing. "Oh my heavenly father, are you kidding me? Not in a million years! Sarah Palin is as dumb as a box of hammers! And McCain is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. Oh no, whatever you do, don't vote for them."
He kept laughing, wiping the tears of mirth from his eyes......and the next thing I knew I was falling, falling, down through time and space and landed kerplunk in my bed.
Whoa, that was trippy.
I would asume the whole thing was a dream, but just like in the movie Flatliners I managed to bring something back with me from the afterlife. It's a sleestack and it's sitting in my bathroom right now, playing with my land gator head.
I think I'll name him Karl.