Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Hello, blogger friends. Welcome to the House of Horror. Also known as Casa de Prunella. I am your host, Ishmael. Call me Ish. Please enter at your own risk. Muyhahahahahaha.
Today we will be bringing you a story so scary, you'll wet your pants! Provided you're wearing them, that is. Muyhahahahaha...(cough, cough)....sorry about that, it's the blood. Anyway, prepare yourselves now for the incrediably strange tale of Jackie Waffles: THE CAT WHO ATE UNTIL HE DISAPPEARED!!!!
Let us begin...
Jackie Waffles was your average everyday American kitten. Kinda slow and rather fat, but all in all quite typical. Some might call him the Joe the Plumber of cats.
I wouldn't, but some might.
He enjoyed doing all the typical kitten things, like jumping at door frames.
And tearing the leaves off of plants.
And, of course, sleeping in his tiny bowl.
But his favorite thing in the world to do was eat. He loved to eat so much he would meow pitifully and loudly ten times a day until someone put some food down for him. He could never, ever get enough.
Even after eating ten bowls he would lay around, bloated and full and daydream of ways to break into the pantry where the food was kept. If he could just find some way to get in there, he could eat the entire 20 pound bag of Meow Mix all by himself and not have to share it with the other two cats. Oh, how happy he would be!
Then one day, amazingly enough, his dream came true! Someone left the pantry door open just enough to let Jackie in. He tore open the packaging and quickly gobbled up the entire bag of cat food.
Afterwards he staggered over to his favorite tiny bowl and fell into a blissful sleep, happy to have achieved his dream at last.
Well, you know the old saying Careful What You Wish For, don't you kids? It turns out that this was no ordinary bag of Meow Mix. This bag of cat food, that he had so greedily ripped open and devoured, had been made in China and was tainted with some very, very bad Chinese chemicals. Possibly nuclear waste.
But unlike the Japanese nuclear waste which turned a small lizard into Godzilla, this stuff had the opposite effect on the already massive Jackie Waffles....
It caused him to shrink.
Now he was too tiny to jump at the door frame.
Tearing up plants was too hard.
And eating was no fun. It took forever, now that the kibble was bigger than his itty bitty mouth.
This sucks, yo."
But the worst was yet to come. You see, Jackie had become so small no one could hear his wee little meows. Certainly not his practically deaf owner.
"Jackie Waffles! Where are you, you big doofus?"
And even more unfortunate for Jackie, his owner couldn't see too well either.
"Jackie?? Where is that stoopid cat? Jackie?"
An ironic end for such a greedy little cat, wouldn't you agree? Well.....sort of ironic anyway? Irony as defined by Alanis Morrisette? Like raaaaayaain on your wedding day....?